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Melrose Place
[Public Park] When Ryan told Megan they were going to have a "four-way," she never knew Ryan was referring to a basketball game! Terry charges Megan, giving Megan a black eye. Terry starts heckling the former prostitute, typical behavior from a New Yorker. Ryan asks her what's the matter, as Megan stumbles off the court, finding it difficult to find her way home with only one functioning eye. Megan sighs and tells him to never mind.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] Peter is packing his stuff. He finds a few Polaroid photos (talk about blatant advertising -- "See what develops...") of him and Amanda, which I guess Eve never stumbled upon, otherwise, she would've become a psycho bitch long before this episode. Peter looks at the photos, and by the look on his face, he's thinking to himself, "If only I had married Irene Shulman..." Eve arrives home and Peter tells her the marriage is over, now that she tried to get him out of the way so she could sleep with Tony. Eve explains that he's got it all wrong: that Amanda arranged to have Peter stranded on the island and how Amanda tried to "pimp" Eve to Tony in exchange for landing the cruise line account. Eve tries to redeem herself by throwing Peter on the couch and devouring him, the whole time Peter looking like he's about to fall asleep.
[AWA] Megan -- whose eye looks so bad you'd of thought she was in the ring with Mike Tyson, except that she has no bite marks -- informs Ryan that the film for the cruise line commercial just arrived by "phantom messenger" and that Amanda is waiting for them in the screening room. The film starts, and it is terrible, with flashes of white dominating the entire reel. "It looks X-rated!" Ryan exclaims. The projectionist corrects him, saying it looks more like the film was damaged from an airport x-ray machine. Amanda turns to Megan and says, "It's your fault this happened." If ever there was a time to use the phrase, "Don't shoot the messenger," this was it. Amanda fears the worst: "I'll only be able to keep the agency going for 2 episodes, max!" Ryan, feeling Amanda is out of line, comes to Megan's defense, having zero effect.
[Upstairs Parking Lot] Peter races into the parking lot, catching Amanda. He confronts her about her dirty deed during the cruise, and he wasn't referring to the sex. But just as Leno tends to explain his punch lines, so too, does Peter explain his remark, saying, "Eve told me you tricked me into having sex with you, as well as trying to get her in bed with Tony in order to land the account. You only care about yourself. No wonder Kyle left you." Amanda tries to slap him, which she only does to those she cares about, but Peter blocks her term of endearment and adds, "I'm sorry I ever loved you."
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Amanda meets Tony for a luncheon date. Immediately, Tony says, "I don't want to talk about Eve." So Amanda starts talking about the commercial, which is the same as talking about Eve. Amanda explains that Eve was such a terrible actor that she had the film destroyed. Amanda says she's still hot on the concept, but before she can finish her sentence, Tony interrupts and says, "Let me guess. You want me to finance the reshoot. Well, the answer is no." Amanda chuckles and says, "You can't expect me to shell out another million." Tony replies, saying he's through with her agency, and want her to move out of his townhouse, and that she doesn't have another million, adding "You just blew your whole wad." Then Lexi stops by and she and Tony head off together. Guess it's Tony's turn to blow his wad.
[MP Courtyard] Mr. Prison Guard-turned-Xmas-tree-salesman shows up is lurking in the bushes, wearing some sort of security guard outfit. When Eve walks by, he pops out. Eve sees him and says, "Selling Xmas trees in May?" Then she informs him that Peter knows all about her past so there's no use in blackmailing her. But the Tree Boy explains that he's got a job with the L.A. Patrol. You know, the type of security firm that watches over homes like O.J. Simpson's. He tells Eve not to be worried if she sees a flashlight shining in her bedroom window because it'll just be him keeping an eye on her.
[AWA] Ryan stops by to tell Megan they missed him at dinner. Megan says she felt it would be better if they had a family moment at dinner instead. Even with only one functional eye, Megan can still manage to use her Apple PowerBook -- that's how easy this computer is to use -- to type her resignation letter. "You're quitting?" Ryan asks with disbelief. Megan, knowing there's only two episodes left answers, "Yeah, why not?" Ryan says he'll talk to Amanda. Megan looks at him and says, "I wish you would have stood up for me with Terry, at least you could've set a pick!" Ryan defends Terry, saying she's Miss Super Jock Strap. Megan continues, saying Terry likes him. Ryan disagrees, saying "Other than when Sydney went after Jane's husband, Michael; or Taylor went after her sister's husband, Peter, when has a younger sister ever gone after her brother-in-law?" Ryan adds that Sarah hates him. Megan says she's not only quitting her job, but she's moving out of the building. Ryan jumps to a McBridian conclusion, saying Megan's using Terry as an excuse to run away from their relationship.
[Wilshire Memorial] Amanda shows up to admit to Peter that she did set Eve up, as well as arrange for Peter to miss the launch, but that the time they shared was not set up. "The sex was for real. I sex you, and I never stopped sexing you. Admit it, we've never felt up anyone like we felt up each other." With that, Peter grabs her by the hand and pulls her into the TLC room, the small one adjacent to the IC room. There, he admits he's never stopping sexing for her either. They kiss. Next week they get married and the following week they have triplets.
[Ryan's Apt] While Ryan is finishing up in the shower. Meanwhile, Terry goes into his bedroom and hangs the Terry robe she was wearing back in Ryan's closet, revealing the new red lacy underwear she ordered from Victoria's Secret. Ryan jumps out of the shower and runs into his room, dripping wet, where he runs into Terry. She readjusts her breasts, then excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
[Lexi's Apt] Speaking of shower scenes, Lexi is in her shower singing when Michael tries to jump in and play hide the soap bar. But Lexi kicks Michael out, saying she's rehearsing her sales pitch to Tony. Michael is relieved she's going to sing to Tony, not sleep with him, but Lexi assures Michael sleeping is part of the pitch, causing Michael to run back to his pad for a cold shower.
[AWA] Amanda calls Ryan into the office to find out how much money is in the company's cash account. Ryan says about $30 grand, which should cover payroll for a couple weeks, but that he's talked with everyone and they've agreed to hustle to get new business. How nice of them, but it's a little too late for that, as Amanda breaks the news that she's closing the agency and for Ryan to divvy the cash up amongst the remaining employees. She's apparently caught the "I Call It Quits" bug from Kyle after living with the loser for so long. And poor Megan, had she not quit, she would've gotten a piece of this cash pie, as well as have been eligible for unemployment!
[Jane's Beach House] Josie and Rob, er, I mean, Jane and Kyle, are on the veranda hugging and kissing. Jane says, "Ah, I could get used to this. Sleeping in all morning. Spending all afternoon with you." Wait, maybe I did mean Josie and Rob, since this is exactly what the married couple will be doing in a couple of weeks once they're jobless. Ryan shows up to tell Kyle that Amanda is quitting the biz and that she could really use a friend right now. Kyle says, "Tough doo doo."
[Kyle's the Restaurant] The dumbnamic duo, Ryan and Kyle McBride, are having a family dinner with Terry and little Sarah, and what better place for a family dinner than at a bar. It's never too soon to get Sarah used to the smell of alcohol. Terry tells Kyle that what keeps her in California is that she likes being with Ryan so much. Then Sarah whines that she has to go poddy, so when Terry steps away to show Sarah what goes on when women excuse themselves to powder their noses, Ryan asks Kyle, "I may be a dufus, but is Terry hitting on me?" Kyle says he's observed that Terry is hot hot hot, and looks like she wants to jump Ryan's bones. They high five. Kyle then spots Peter at the bar, waiting to have dinner with Eve, so Kyle stops over and says, "So, Amanda called it quits this morning." Peter is shocked at hearing the news for the first time. "How quickly do things continue to happen on this show?!" his facial expression demands to know. Kyle suggests that since Peter is her friend, her rich friend, emphasis on rich, that he might bail her out. Peter says he'll do everything he can, even if this means having no holds barred sex with Amanda for the rest of the episode. Then Eve arrives, but Peter tells her he's just been paged and heads to the pay phones, where he calls Amanda, who's still at her desk at AWA. Peter tells Amanda he's got to talk to her, but she says her lease expires at midnight and she plans to use every last second of it. So Peter hangs up, tells Eve he's got to go to the hospital and for her to go home. Then he adds, "And don't wait up for me," since he'll obviously be zapped after his anticipated desk sex in Amanda's office. He runs off pretending to go to the hospital, but heading the opposite direction to AWA instead.
[AWA] Peter shows up and somehow manages to thwart the intense security in the office park. He finds Amanda in her office, drunk, reinforcing to the viewers when you need a friend, old Johnny Walker's at your side. Peter offers her the money to save her agency but she declines. Then she starts whining about not having anything -- no company, no apartment building, no home. I guess she's starting to see how the rest of the world lives. Peter asks Amanda if she loves him. She says she does, so he says he's leaving Eve. Then he adds, "It's going to be messy. Every time I leave a woman, she tries to kill me." Not to mention, he lives in a mutual property state.
[Ryan's Apt] Ryan's blanket has fallen to the floor while sleeping on the couch. Terry, strutting around in yet another item from Victoria's Secret, walks over and picks up the blanket and proceeds to cover Ryan up, but not before giving his body the once-over. Ryan, feeling her lascivious stare, wakes up, and asks Terry what she's doing. She answers, "Your synthetic blanket fell off and I was thinking, why settle for nylon when you can have 100% "Terry" cloth," obviously offering herself as a covering instead. So Ryan decides this is the time to tell her she makes him limp. She segues to Megan is the one with the problem, that Megan doesn't seem to want to get to know her or Terry.
[Diner] Peter takes Eve to breakfast, where he breaks the news that he no longer loves her and wants a divorce. He says it has nothing to do with Amanda and doesn't want to hurt Eve any more than he has already. Eve, furious over the news, takes a glass of water and splashes Peter in the face. Luckily for the guy in the booth behind Peter, Eve is a better shot at throwing glasses of water than she is at throwing vases of flowers at people (the incident with Amanda in the cabin on the ship last week, as well as later on in this episode), hitting Peter smack dab in the kisser.
[Jane's Beach House] Jane overhears Kyle on the phone with Ryan, discussing Amanda's unfortunate turn of events. Kyle explains to Jane he's just worried about her. Jane immediately turns green and quips, "Uh-huh. I should've known. Every man in Amanda's life holds on to her forever." Jane is pissed, even though technically, Kyle IS still married to Amanda. Jane feels that a whole week's gone by and she can't understand why Kyle still has feelings for Amanda, saying she's already forgotten her feelings towards Michael. She starts honking again and leaves the room.
[Upstairs] Some guy is singing in the club, but unfortunately, his name is overshadowed by the fact Michael Feinstein is performing later in the show, so he gets no billing whatsoever. And in the weirdest combination of bar buddies yet, Eve and Michael find themselves sitting together drinking. Michael rambles about how he's never loved anyone the way he loves Lexi (C'mon, give us a break!), and how it tears his heart to know she's sleeping around with some other guy. Eve gives Michael some advice, "Forget her. Make her pay. It's the only satisfaction you're gonna get!" So, while Michael announces this time it's true love, with Lexi of all people, Eve suddenly turns into this season's Kimberly. Michael decides he's going to stop Lexi from sleeping around, and leaves. Eve stays, and shows us why drinking is so damn good.
[Ryan's Apt] Ryan leaves Megan a note, telling her to climb the ladder to the roof and meet him. Ryan tells her not to peek as she's climbing the ladder, and amazingly, she doesn't fall to her death but makes it to the rooftop. He helps her up and escorts her to a table and sits her down. He has Megan open her eye, the one not swollen shut. Megan apparently did not read the note carefully, since it's obviously a black tie affair, Ryan decked out in a tux. She looks over, and sees Michael Feinstein playing a grand piano. Now don't ask how the same rooftop that couldn't support Michael, Megan, and a lounge chair, could suddenly support Ryan, Megan, a dinner table, a waiter, a grand piano, as well as Michael Feinstein, when you should be asking, "How the heck did they get that piano up there in the first place?" Ryan proposes to Megan, complete with diamond ring. Megan goes into a diatribe about what a wonderful man Ryan is. After she's done, Ryan asks, "Is that a yes?" They laugh. Life is wonderful again on Melrose Place.
[Tony's Mansion] Lexi is having dinner with Tony. She admits she's a little nervous making a sales pitch without her staff, storyboards, etc., although I don't believe I've ever seen her actually make a pitch before. Anyway, she delivers alright, which is basically to turn on the stereo, then perform a strip tease (providing some more material for MelroseTV.com's "Navel Academy.") Not only can Lexi dance, but she shows she can sing, too, as she does her best to win the account. At the rate things are happening on this show, by next week either Jane will not only announce she's pregnant with Kyle's child but will have the baby along with Amanda, or Lexi will begin a new career and will jump start it as the special guest star at Upstairs! Moments later, Lexi and Tony are rolling around on the sofa, exchanging saliva, when Michael peers in through the window in his attempt to stop her, but turns and leaves when he sees the two executives doing executive sorts of things together. As Michael's leaving, however, he spots Mrs. Marlin pulling up in the driveway, so he runs back to the window to warn Lexi. She shoos him away, so Michael runs back to his car and starts honking (just like Jane did last episode, only she was signaling how horny she was.) Tony hears his wife entering the front door, so Lexi grabs her clothes and skirts out the back. Michael, waiting for her with open arms, as well as top (convertibles do come in handy now and then), rescues the ad exec and the two zoom off.
[Hotel, Room 27] Kyle pays Amanda a visit. Peter answers the door wearing a hotel robe, surprising Kyle. Then Amanda strolls up, wearing a hotel robe as well, causing Kyle to sing his merry tune once again to Amanda, "Wherever you are, Burns is never far behind." Kyle tells Amanda he heard about her demise and wanted to make sure she was alright, but now feels like a fool.
[Upstairs] Oh well, so much for Lexi being the next guest artist. Instead, Feinstein is playing in his mellow style, making me question what sort of musical direction this club is taking now that Eve is the owner, having gone from jazz to alternative to Hanson to this. Jane is there to apologize, saying "I'm looking beautiful hoping to pick up a cute guy." Kyle apologizes as well, saying he needs to make a clean break from Amanda, causing Jane to say, "You went to see her, didn't you." Kyle admits he did and how he caught her rooming with Burns, adding "They were even wearing matching robes." Of course, had he knocked on any other door on that floor, he would have seen everybody had the same robe. Doh! Eve, sole proprietor, is standing in the shadows and overhears Mr. Bigmouth. Upon hearing of Peter's infidelity, she squeezes the glass in her hand so tightly it shatters, cutting her hand, and turning her vodka collins into a bloody Mary.
[Lexi's Apt] Lexi tells Michael she's given up on trying to land Tony's account, saying she'll never ever put her through the humility she went through last night, and how she can admit defeat. Lexi says to Michael, "If I can't have everything good in life, then at least I can have you." They're just about to toast, or get toasted, when there's a knock at the door. It's Tony, who shows up to apologize for putting Lexi through last night's ordeal. Suddenly, Lexi throws Michael out, explaining "When it comes to getting something Amanda wants, I'm like a pit bull in heat." Lexi tells Tony she feels a connection between them, asking if he feels it as well. He answers that they'd both feel it better in bed. Lexi offers to give him the grand tour, but he says he needs a minute and he'll meet her in the bedroom, and if she gets impatient, to start without him. Lexi heads back, allowing Tony a moment to pop several "sex enhancing" pills, which are supposed to be Viagra, but look more like Smartees candy, washing them down with a swig of red wine. When Tony heads into the bedroom, he finds Lexi laying on the bed completely naked... oh, except for a couple pieces of paper which turn out to be the Duchess Cruise Lines contract. Tony signs them.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Since it wouldn't look good for the owner to be drunk in her own establishment, Eve goes downstairs from Upstairs and gets plastered at the bar in Kyle's the Restaurant. She tells Kyle, "I'm not drinking. I'm celebrating. The end of my marriage. Peter dumped me. Over breakfast. Over easy." Kyle offers to drive her home, but just then Xmas Tree Boy arrives, still dressed in his fake cop pseudo-security patrol uniform and says to Kyle, "Wal, eff'n it ain't th' town bully." Kyle rushes over to pound some beef out of the guy for showing his face there, but Eve stops Kyle, saying, "Xmas Tree Boy is my date." Xmas Tree Boy adds, "Don't mess wif me, alright? On account o', ah will press charges th' next time yo' let yer fists does th' walkin'." Eve caresses his tin badge and adds, "He's practically a cop. L.A. Patrol." Then she and the Arkansan head back to her apartment, where he has plans to ooze some sap from beneath her bark.
[Lexi's Apt] Back in the bedroom, Lexi complains to Tony she's doing all the work here. When Tony fails to answer, she feels for his pulse, but finds he has none. Immediately, Michael gets a phone call from her, asking him to come over and help. Michael rushes over with his little black bag. Hopefully, the one containing medical equipment and not the one with sexual paraphernalia. Michael asks where Tony is, then guesses the bedroom. He runs in, checks Tony's pulse, and then, judging by the stiffness of Tony's erection, declares the man dead, thus the title of this episode.
[Eve's Apt] Peter comes home (don't ask me why), and hears giggling and redneck grunting emanating from the bedroom. He enters and finds Eve and Xmas Tree Boy breaking bedsprings. Eve stops long enough to say to Peter, "I'm not afraid of him anymore. It's the best sex I ever had. Ten times the man you are." Peter tells her not to do this to herself. She tells Peter to take his junk and get out. So Peter does. Xmas Tree Boy moans, saying Eve has just fulfilled his every fantasy. Then Eve turns to Mr. L.A. Patrol and asks if he'd make one of her fantasies come true. He says he'll do anything for her, so she says, "I want you to make my husband -- no, my ex-husband, and his blonde slut pay for hurting me. I want you to make them bleed." Xmas Tree Boy hesitates, saying he's already worked his way up the ladder of success, from prison security guard to Xmas tree lot salesman to pseudo security patrolman, and hopefully a full-time position at MacDonalds is in his distant future, and that her request sounds like it might cause a setback in his dream. So Eve kicks him out of bed, screaming for him to leave. He abides, saying to her, "Lady, yer a real looker, but yer off yer rocker." Eve throws a bottle of wine at him, missing him and hitting the wall instead. She screams, "Get out before I make you bleed. I don't need you! I don't need anybody! I'm a cheerleader." Then Eve belts out a cheer, "2... 4... 6... 8... who can I annihilate?"
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified May 11, 1999 |
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