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Melrose Place
[San Pedro Harbor] First of many stock "Love Boat" shots of what's supposed to be the Duchess cruise ship. The band is playing in the ship's lounge..."Love, exciting and new. Come Aboard. We're expecting you." And let me assure you, there will be a lot of "coming" aboard this episode tonight! Tony and Amanda are toasting their soon-to-be partnership. Tony boasts, "To the world's most magnificent cruise line... mine." Amanda adds "And to the only ad agency that can do it justice... mine." Tony lashes out, "Always selling, aren't you, Amanda?" apparently, ignoring the fact his toast was more blatant than hers. Tony then orders Amanda to find Eve, which you'd think would be practically impossible given the size of this ship. However, Amanda turns her head and says, "Oh, there she is." Eve, standing at the top of the steps, waves down to them. Then, Peter unexpectedly strolls up behind her and puts his arms around her, throwing Tony into a tizzy. "Is this your idea of a joke? If you want my account, you better keep him away" he demands, meaning off the ship. Tony explains, "When I'm in the sack with Eve, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for her jealous husband." (Although, I thought that's why Tony has those ceiling mirrors over his bed, so he wouldn't have to look over his shoulders.) Amanda gasps, as if surprised.
[Ryan's Apt] Ryan is on the phone with Terry, telling her the reason Sarah is still there is because she decided to stay. Terry argues that Sarah's just a kid and can't make this sort of decision. Ryan argues, "Terry, 8 yrs ago I was a kid. Now look at me." Obviously, now we know why he became a CPA rather than a lawyer. Megan stands by her man... in the next room.
[Construction Site] Kyle is moping on the steps of the trailer on the construction site, when Jane pulls up in her VW Beetle with a "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker on the back. Jane says, "I thought I'd find you here. Honk! Honk!" Kyle looks at her and says, "Hey." Jane makes small talk, pointing to the handful of toothpicks barely standing together representing his dream house and saying, "Ooh, this is nice" she says, then adds, "Listen. I thought you might want to talk. Honk! Honk!" Kyle tells her his marriage is over. "Honk! Honk!" Jane replies, her body becoming more antsy by the second. "Amanda thought there was something going on between us" Kyle explains, then asks, "Is there?" Jane replies, "You -- Honk! -- tell me. Honk!" Kyle answers, "I can't." She sighs, lets out one last half-honk, then leaves. All I can say is, I hope for their sake their conversations in real life are a little deeper than this.
[Playground] (The credits show that we have Jule Selbo and Antoinette Stella to blame for writing this ridiculous episode.) Megan and Sarah are swinging in slow motion. Then they play that children's string game (what's it called?), and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see that Sarah is worse at it than me when I was a kid! Sarah tells Megan that she gave her father the OK to remarry. Then Sarah sees Ryan arrive and she runs to greet him, but stops suddenly. That's because behind Ryan marches a butch L.A. cop and a woman named Nancy, who's got "Children's Services" stamped on her forehead. "Where are you going to take her?" Megan demands to know. Nancy answers, "We're taking her to a special place where all juveniles from Melrose Place are kept. Then she'll be deported to NY."
[Lexi's Apt] Sounds of ecstasy permeate the courtyard as Michael and Lexi take their "etcetera etcetera" from the laundry room to the bedroom. (Now I understand why the Yul Brenner had so many children in "The King and I") Gasping for breath, they take a break from their 24 hr, non-stop Melrose moment. They go to the refrig for some sexual rejuvenation, and figure mustard will spice up their life, I guess. And speaking of banging, Lexi's gofer, Julie (not McCoy) bangs on the front door. She informs Lexi that Amanda has dropped half her staff as well as half her clientele, and rumor has it she's trying to land the Tony Marlin Duchess Cruise Line account. Upon hearing this news, Lexi orgasms, making it the second time this scene. She sees her opportunity to squash Amanda, by stealing away Marlin's account from her. Julie leaves and Michael starts rubbing bodies with Lexi again, trying to give her a hat trick.
[Duchess Cruise Lines] Eve and some dweeb are shooting the commercial, but the only thing tighter than Eve's acting is the outfit she's wearing. Tony tells Amanda that Eve will never loosen up enough to get the kissing scene right as long as Peter is on the set watching, so Amanda drags Peter away, saying "Eve never watches you in surgery." Peter is a bit frustrated, describing himself as being on a "dry spell," meaning no sex with Eve, makeup and hair people fussing about, and some weirdo (Tony) sending flowers to his wife. Tony blames Eve's co-star for the terrible kissing scene. Tony, a kiss-and-tell kind of guy, pushes the actor-boy aside, then takes Eve and treats her like she's the newest color m&m, as she proceeds to melt in his mouth.
[Ryan's Apt] Ryan is concerned that something is amiss with Sarah, since 15 minutes of the show have gone by without a word. Like a miracle, there's suddenly a knock at the door. Ryan's lawyer shows up at Ryan's doorstep, telling Ryan that Sarah has filed a report claiming Terry beats her, whips her, makes her write bad checks -- and that's why she's afraid to go back. Ryan, however, refuses to believe the accusations, even though Megan thinks there could be some credibility to the story. Ryan decides the only thing to do is to increase the population of the apt complex by having Terry fly out and join them, and to maybe even clear up matters. Apparently, Aaron Spelling is making one last-ditch effort to deal with real-life issues of our times. First, alcohol abuse, which led me to believe it's the cure-all for my personal life; cults, abortion, now child abuse, all presented with that patented Melrose slant. But once this show's gone, hungry viewers will have to turn to that ever-so-realistic show "90210" if they want to see episodes dealing with these and other important social issues.
[Duchess Cruise Lines] Scene starts with another "Love Boat" stock shot of the cruise ship. Before we know it, we may start to see shots of "MacGruder & Loud" or "T.J. Hooker" every time there's a L.A. cop scene involving Ryan, Sarah, and Terry! The scene quickly turns to Peter and Amanda, rambling on about how they've played every game on the ship. (About the only ones left are mind games.) For the ultra-dense viewers out there, who actually look up to the likes of Kyle and Megan, Peter comments that Amanda has sunk her entire ad agency into this commercial. Then he adds that since he is on his honeymoon he had better find his wife. His wife, it turns out, is drunk and in the ship's swimming pool, albeit, in her tight outfit from the shoot. Eve has a flute of champagne and is noticeably tipsy, yet is still swimming about in the pool. Like the song says, "Let it flow, it floats back to you," and Tony is letting it flow alright. Then Peter shows up and orders Eve out. Tony steps in so Peter shoves him into the pool. He takes Eve back to their room where he scolds her for her "...open smile on a friendly shore" attitude with Tony. The two argue about Tony's intentions. When Peter says it looked like Eve was half way there to doing it with Tony in the pool, Eve slaps him, signifying the honeymoon's over. As Peter storms out, Amanda slinks in. Eve describes her feelings about Tony to Amanda, saying he's the most amazing man to have forced his tongue down her throat since Peter the doctor; and before him, Bruno the security guard; and before him, Steve, the warden; and before him, the judge who sentenced her...
[Lexi's Apt] Spelling is not only saving money this episode by all that "Love Boat" filler, but also on wardrobe for Michael, who's still at Lexi's and who has worn little more than a bedspread thus far. He wakes to find Lexi decked out in a bustier and garters, dressed this way in order to steal the Duchess Cruise Line account away from Amanda.
[Duchess Cruise Lines] Peter and Amanda share a table at breakfast, where Amanda tells him to lighten up. A fattened up Merrill Stubing interrupts them, informing them the launch is heading for a day excursion to the island of Sincero, sandwiched between the islands of Infidelitiero and Prosmicuitero. Peter decides to go on the day trip and leaves the table in order to sign up. Tony approaches Amanda, telling her he wants her to go with Peter and distract him so that Peter misses the launch back to the ship. Eve shows up, wearing a thin cotton outfit showing her pair of frost detectors which are currently indicating warm weather ahead, and asks if anyone has seen Peter. Tony directs her to Deck 5 saying. "Be sure to tell Peter the launch back is at 7:00. I wouldn't want him to miss it." Eve runs off. Amanda asks what time it really returns, to which Tony answers, "5:00, but Peter will be too preoccupied to find out, right?" Eve finds Peter and apologizes, promising to make it up to him later that night in their cabin. She reminds him about the 7:00 launch return.
[Ryan's Apt] Terry shows up. Megan answers the door, surprising Terry. Megan explains she's Ryan's sex toy. Ryan returns home just then, and Terry breaks down crying, swearing she's never beaten Sarah, except at that string game. As Ryan comforts her, rubbing her arm with his manly hand, Terry closes her eyes, licks her lips, and lets out a few groans, causing Megan, who's standing idly by, to bite at the small head of her bottled water.
[Albie's Flower Pavilion] Kyle visits Jane at her new job, as manager of some two-bit flower stand. I guess they must've hired Jane because she drives a VW Beetle, evoking a feeling of Flower Power and all, rather than her job resume, which reads, "Failed Housewife 1992-1993; Failed Fashion Design Business 1995-1996; Failed Boutique 1996-1997; Failed Art Designer for Amanda Woodward Advertising 1999 - present. Kyle starts up the chit-chat with, "I heard about your new job" he says. My question is, heard from who? Everyone else on the show is too busy to know what Jane is up to, nor would they even care. Kyle asks about the other night. Jane, wondering which night he may be referring to, answers, "I dunno." Suddenly, Kyle escorts Jane to behind the delivery truck, and admits his love for Jane. He says, "If I wait, I could lose you. I'm not going to blow this." Jane looks down below Kyle's belt and knows, if she blows it, it would be nice. The two start tongue wrestling right there in the parking lot. Now, despite this being the most far-fetched storyline ever, at least maybe Kyle will finally sound believable when he delivers his lines to Jane about how he feels for her, since he won't really be relying on his acting abilities, but will simply be talking to his real-life wife.
[Isle of Sincero] It's 5:00, and Peter is chewing Amanda's ear off about the entire island being a dump. The two of them playfully bicker. Peter wonders aloud what they're going to do to occupy the next 2 hrs, so Amanda tells the bartender to stop the piña coladas and start on the tequila, refreshing out memories on the merits of alcohol abuse.
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Having left a voice message on Marlin's answering machine, Lexi occupies her time while waiting for Marlin by performing a strip tease in her office. Seconds later, Marlin shows up, only it's Mrs. Marlin, not Mr. She tells Lexi she's tired of her husband's affairs, saying he's become a walking vibrator ever since he stole Aaron Spelling's Viagra prescription. Mrs. Marlin then whips out a gun and points it at Lexi, causing Lexi to gasp. Mrs. Marlin pulls the trigger... only it's simply a gun lighter. Mrs. Marlin asks if Lexi has a fag, but Lexi says she doesn't smoke and tries to live a healthy life (except for the carefree wild sex she has with men she barely knows!)
[Duchess Cruise Lines] More "Love Boat" aerial shots, followed by Tony knocking on Eve's door. Tony regretfully informs Eve that Peter missed the launch, and they won't be able to pick him up for 2 days. Eve wonders whether it was an accident or if Peter is still mad at her. Tony implies Peter may not be too trustworthy, considering he stranded himself with Amanda. Then, speaking of trustworthy, Tony caresses Eve's back and kisses the nape of her neck. Again she melts, but he decides to leave her dangling until after the next commercial break.
[Isle of Sincero] Amanda blames the fact they ordered another tequila for missing the launch back to the ship, but Peter knows it was the fact Eve gave him the wrong time, and he wonders if he's being set up. The two landlocked fools manage to find a hotel, or hotelo, as they say on Sincero, with 2 rooms. Peter escorts Amanda to hers, then heads to his. But before Peter enters his room, he turns and heads back towards Amanda's, stopping in his tracks when he hears her chain the lock. Behind closed doors, even though they're silent on the outside, you can easily see they're both "honking" on the inside. The next morning, the manager of the hotelo, named (not surprisingly) Casa Sincero, informs Peter that due to labor strikes, Peter won't be able to get a flight off the island for a week. Amanda returns with "good" news, telling Peter she got ahold of the ship and their planning on circling the island and will pick them up tomorrow night. Since they have so much time to kill, the Caribbean Mr. Roarke makes Peter and Amanda's fantasy come true by inviting them to his daughter's wedding.
[MP Courtyard] Megan, just getting home and stopping by the mailboxes, has a feeling her cell phone's about to ring, so she starts to open up her big mutha purse. Her phone rings, and it's Becky from work telling Megan to make sure to pick up the film for the commercial at Mexicali Airlines tomorrow at 10:00. Lexi is having a hard time hearing Becky though, so she's shouting. Of course, Lexi overhears the pickup info, bringing a smile to her face. Meanwhile, inside Ryan's Apt, Ryan and Terry are preparing to welcome Sarah home. Terry even made a sign saying "Welcome Home, Sarah." She explains to Ryan how working at an elementary school, one becomes very good at the artsy-fartsy stuff, although calling this banner "good" would only be accurate had it been painted by an 8-yr old, not someone Terry's age! Terry tells Ryan how her life had been going nowhere before he came into it and threw her for a loop. Her eyes turn all glassy and she whets her lips. Unfortunately for her, she's talking to a McBride, where subtlety goes unappreciated. Megan arrives and Ryan tells her the good news about Sarah, and furthermore, how Terry has taken a leave of absence from St. Agnes in order to spend the summer with him and Sarah. Megan chokes out the question, "Summer?" Luckily, Megan will only be burdened through the end of May. Moments later, Sarah is dropped off by Children's Services, which has free child delivery for the communities of West Hollywood, Century City, and Beverly Hills. Sarah does her best Terminator impression, bursting through the door and announcing, "I'm back." (FYI, it sounded nothing like Schwarzenegger.) Ryan tells Sarah, "No more lies" and instructs her to apologize to her aunt Terry. Sarah says she was only trying to get Terry to see that her daddy wasn't such a bad guy. Terry looks lovingly at Ryan and coos, "He's not bad at all." The three huddle and hug as if a real family, leaving Megan in the wings again.
[Jane's Beach House] Jane arrives home, only to find a trail of red rose petals leading from her doorstep to the bedroom. Rather than be a little worried that someone was able to break in to her place, she follows the trail of flowers to her bedroom, which she finds completely enveloped with flowers. Kyle comes up from behind and says, "I hope you like flowers," which is like asking someone who works the deep fryer at MacDonalds if they still like french fries. Of course not. Jane does a little thinking of her own and says, "So you're the one who bought the shop out. Romantic, but crazy." Hey, when there's only 3 episodes left, it's okay to get a little loose with your money. Kyle says he's crazy in love with her, and adds, "You're so easy to be with." which was almost accurate, had he left of the part, "to be with." Then Kyle does what he would do with any easy girl, and the two of them ruin her white carpet by rubbing the red petals into it using nothing but her back. Remember kids, life only moves this fast in L.A....
[Casa Sincero] Amanda and Peter attend the wedding. Caribbean Mr. Roarke comments that Peter's a dud for not doing Amanda. Peter, always the dude, never the dud, grabs Amanda and the 2 dance. As they hold each other, Amanda's eyes roll into the back of her head as she feels Peter coming to attention. She caresses his back as they continue their vertical dancing.
[Duchess Cruise Lines] Tony takes Eve out to the deck in yet another typical "Love Boat" shot. Eve starts to tell him how wonderful he is. He reacts by fondling her. She asks what he's doing, so he explains, saying "Amanda and I have a deal. She gets my account. I get you." Eve reaches down and takes ahold of Tony's semi-erect tiger by the mane. On the "Love Boat," most of the time this would then lead to the cabin scene and a rockin' boat, but in this case, Eve tells Tony she learned this grip in prison, and just wait until she presses it into a license plate. Somehow, this wasn't the way Tony envisioned it would be when he finally got her to hold his Italian sausage. Eve says she'll only let go after he tells her who arranged for Peter to miss the launch, him or Amanda. Like a G.I. Joe with Kung-fu Grip, Eve holds Tony until he breaks down and squeaks out that it was all Amanda's idea.
[Casa Sincero] Peter walks Amanda back to her bungalow. Peter follows her in, and they soon find themselves kissing. They go from vertical dancing to horizontal, sharing a Melrose moment. The next morning, Amanda wakes to find Peter already dressed. He tells her she's getting divorced; she is free, whereas he is not. Amanda recalls all the times Kyle accused her of not being over Peter, and now she realizes the dumb lug might have been right. Peter, unable to face Eve, says he's rented a private plane and will be heading directly back to L.A.
[Mexicali Airlines] Megan shows up to pick up the film from the Duchess commercial shoot, but she's told the film was picked up immediately upon the plane landing. Even a por favor wouldn't help Megan in this situation so she leaves.
[Wilshire Memorial] Lexi, the one who actually picked up the canisters of film, wheels them into the X-Ray room of Wilshire Memorial. Lexi tells Michael to zap enough radiation through the metal canisters to ruin the negatives. even though movie film is usually positive stock. Michael asks why he should be doing Lexi this favor, so she unbuttons her blouse, revealing a red lace bra, causing Michael to bombard the room with radiation. Lexi jumps his bones and the two of them fall the floor.
[Jane's Beach House] Jane is having a BBQ on the beach, with Ryan's new family as guests. Ryan notices how cozy Jane and Kyle have become, and asks if something's going on that he should know about. Being a McBride, Ryan failed to notice Jane and Kyle were actually cozy last week, as the two groped each other on the beach while he apologized to Megan for trying to push her away. (Rewind your videotape if you missed it!) Before Megan arrives, Terry pulls Jane aside and asks how long Megan and Ryan have been dating. Jane answers, "On and off for about a year and a half." Terry's eyes widen when she hears there have been bad times. Jane asks, "Are you concerned she'll make a good mother for Sarah?" Terry answers, "No, I just wondered if Ryan was really happy." Then Megan arrives and tells Ryan about the film fiasco. "Wow, a film fiasco? Where's it playing?" Ryan asks. But before Megan can say anything else, touchy-feely artsy-fartsy Terry interrupts in order to pull Ryan away to be with her and Sarah.
[LAX] I find it hard to understand why they felt it necessary to place captions at the bottom of this scene to tell us it's Los Angeles International Airport, yet they failed to tell us when we were watching a scene on Sincero Island! Tony lands and enters his limo, only to find Lexi half naked in his back seat. She spreads her legs and lets her lips do the talking, offering her agency as a backup position. Tony says, "You got my attention." Lexi hands him a business card and leaves, leaving the "stiff."
[Duchess Cruise Lines] Amanda knocks on the door to Eve's stateroom, where Eve is packing. Eve asks where Peter is, so Amanda makes up a story about a hospital emergency forcing Peter to return early. Then Amanda asks about Tony's whereabouts. Eve answers that Tony's gone too, because she wouldn't give him what Amanda promised. Amanda pretends not to know what Eve's talking about, so Eve explains she knows the entire sordid plan, her body for Tony's account. Amanda says, "Eve, you have to understand my position..." But before she can say any more, Eve screams, "It's always about your position. Did you ever stop to think what it might do to me and Peter? Don't you care?" Then she grabs Amanda by the throat and escorts her to the hall, adding, "You just care about yourself. And if that means using me, and hurting Peter in the process, then that's just too damn bad. Now get outta here before I rip your throat out." Amanda replies, "Except for the part about only caring about myself, and using you, and hurting Peter, and not thinking about what it might do to others, you got it ALL wrong." Eve pushes Amanda into the corridor and slams the door in her face. Then we are privileged to hear that wailing guitar as it cries over the fact that there are oh-so-few episodes left.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified May 4, 1999 |
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