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Melrose Place
[Megan's Apt] Ryan, having found Michael hiding naked in Megan's closet, jokes that it's safe to bet foreplay didn't occur on the roof this time since there aren't any holes in the ceiling. Considering the fact that Michael lives on the first floor, Ryan's conclusion, although correct, was due to false assumptions. Dork! Megan chases Ryan and Lexi from her bedroom. Ryan continues to make snide remarks causing Michael to suddenly start wrestling with him. Megan ends it in the first round by taking a lamp she obviously bought at Home Depot and smashing it on Ryan's head. Usually, seeing a light bulb over one's head signifies an idea has popped into that person's head, but considering it's Ryan we're referring to, all his head can come up with is some blood. Lexi carts him off to her place while Michael comforts Megan, distraught over her broken lamp.
[Lexi's Apt] Lexi takes a bottle of vodka and heads for Ryan, who says he's bleeding, and the last thing he needs is a drink. Lexi says it's for his wound, and dampens a cloth with vodka and presses it against Ryan's laceration, causing the big baby to start crying, Ryan says he'd like to be alone, but Lexi refuses to leave since he could "...become unconscious, go into a coma, or even die." Ryan replies, "Losing consciousness sounds pretty damn good right now," making me wonder, if that's the case, then why did he refuse the drink earlier? Ryan can't believe he meant so little to Megan that she would sleep with Michael. Lexi tries to explain Megan's type using a basketball metaphor, describing Megan as a rebounder. Of course, Ryan the worst basketball player in West Hollywood, has no clue what Lexi's talking about, asking her if she means defensive or offensive boards. Ryan adds, "Maybe it's better I found out now rather than after I told her what I was going to tell her." Lexi says, "You can tell me if you want to get if off your chest." So Ryan he tells her what he was going to tell the other her before he found out -- aren't those Melrose writers great? -- he tells Lexi about Sarah. Lexi acts surprised, then says, she can either give him two aspirin and leave, or stay and let him, using another basketball analogy, dribble and then shoot! Ryan, finally understanding she's not really talking about basketball, rolls over and starts tonguing her. He calls this play the Lick and Roll.
[Jane's Beach House] Amanda wakes up to an empty bed. In a single breath, she asks Jane if she's seen Kyle, as well as complain about how cold their bedroom is. Jane tells Amanda she had breakfast with Kyle and then he went to the construction site. Then Jane gives Amanda a piece of her mind, as if she has any to spare. Jane tells Amanda she's sick and tired of Amanda's bitching. Amanda turns around and uses the pity story about being a poor former landlord who now feels unsettled. Jane falls for the story, and apologizes to Amanda.
[Lexi's Apt] Megan stops by, looking for Ryan, but he left already so Peter could check him for permanent brain damage. (You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this one.) Anyway, Lexi asks Megan, "What happened to us? We used to be friends. Good friends." Apparently, frequent sex causes temporary memory loss. Megan reminds Lexi that Lexi slept with her fiance. But Lexi corrects Megan, that Ryan did was the one who took the initiative.
[Construction Site] Speaking of sex, Amanda goes to the construction site to see Kyle for some sunny delight, and I'm not talking about orange juice. Since she just got her tetanus booster, Amanda decides this is the perfect opportunity to take off her shoes and walk barefoot. Kyle takes Amanda over to the trailer, and while the carpenters hammer 2-by-4's, Kyle does a little "pounding" of his own.
[Wilshire Memorial] Eve stops by to give Peter a gift. Each week, Eve tries wearing clothes tighter than the previous episode, and tonight is no different. If you thought her white pants in Episode 221 were painted on, you should see this week's dress! Amanda may have thought Jane's condo was cold, but by the looks of Eve's pair of built-in temperature gauges poking through her cotton top, it must be freezing at the hospital. Eve and Peter discuss their Hawaii vacation, but their dreams are shattered when Michael interrupts with the word, "Shulman." Peter runs to the Conference Room, where Shulman is going at it with the rest of the doctors, especially Visconti, who apparently wants the mental ward named after him. The "priestess of neurology" and "Dr. Psycho" continue their bickering, then suddenly stop, as if to say, "I lust you."
[The Bistro Garden] Ryan and Megan arrive for a business lunch, but arrive before Amanda and the client, Tony Marlin, who owns a cruise line. Unfortunately, the only business Dumb & Dumber ever discuss these days is their personal business, but after embarrassing Amanda for few minutes, the two run out. Tony says, "Gee, Amanda, you have such beeeauuutiful employees. I'd like to pork one of them, and it isn't Ryan." Amanda apologizes, but slick Tony answers coolly, "Finally... we're alone." I never knew the marlin was a bottom-feeder...
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael complains to Peter about Shulman's continued penny-pinching tactics, and suggests that Peter use someone to keep an eye on the woman. Michael has the perfect man, Visconti, realizing beneath all that hate they're drooling with lust.
[AWA] Kyle comes to remind Amanda that it's time to go home, but Amanda explains she was waiting for rush hour to end, which is pretty scary considering it's already 11 pm! Amanda comments that McBrides just don't seem to understand how important "hooking, reeling, and landing" Marlin, her new client, is to her. Kyle gets upset and leaves, which is becoming as stale as Billy's patented dumbfounded look used to be.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] The shower's running as Peter enters the bathroom and asks, "Mind if I join you?" Only, it's Amanda, not Eve, who's all wet. Amanda didn't feel like driving all the way back to Malibu (the lousy commute, combined with mudslides and shore erosion, makes me pity those unfortunate enough to own land along that coastal section). Amanda asks Eve if she brings her prospective client to Upstairs, if Eve will pull all the stops. Whatever that means doesn't matter to Eve, who says yes.
[MP Courtyard] Lexi, Megan, and Ryan continue acting out their absurd love triangle, the three of them running into each other in the courtyard and slinging mud.
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter informs Shulman and Visconti that they are to head up a committee on the future of the trauma center, and they can start today over lunch. After they leave, Peter conveys his reservations about Visconti to Michael, but Michael assures Peter that Visconti will make the perfect spy. In fact, Michael spent all morning prepping Visconti so he'd know all the moves, and I could almost hear Carly Simon belting out "Nobody Does It Better."
[Upstairs] Musical Guest: Tal Bachman. If your disappointed because you can't really hear the band play, simply wait for the commercials coming up, because there's one advertising their new CD, "Tal Bachman" where you get to hear even more of their music! Hmm, it's a sad statement when I start promoting the commercials more than the show. In the club, there's a bunch of rowdy guys whoopin' it up, causing the waitress to comment to Kyle how she hates college boys. I guess it's a waitress' intuition that allows her to spot boys who are in college versus those who aren't. Kyle tells Eve to cut them off after their next round. Then Kyle heads to the club's office. Megan shows up, wanting to talk about Ryan, and that's when Kyle lets it slip that Ryan has a daughter named Sarah. Megan exclaims, "Oh, wow!" But Kyle speaks her language, and knows this means, "If Ryan has a daughter, then he must have a wife, too. Who is she?" But Kyle says if she wants to know any more, she's got to ask Ryan, or leave and come back and he'll probably accidentally reveal more secrets. Kyle goes back out to the dance floor, where he finds Amanda dancing in Tony's arms. Kyle rips them apart, then figures this is the reason Amanda failed to come home the night before. For the second time this episode, Kyle gets angry and storms out. Tony returns holding Eve's hand and says, "Gee, Amanda, you have such beeeauuutiful friends. I want to pork one of them, and I'm definitely not referring to Peter." Then Tony offers to take the two ladies out on the town, explaining to Amanda, "No offense to your husband, but I prefer a more sophisticated establishment." Eve is not offended either, but probably because she forgot she's part owner, too. In fact, Eve's such an airhead, she simply drops everything and leaves with Tony and Amanda in his limo. As they leave, the camera zooms in on the gang of college boys, who are now banging beer bottles on the table and chanting "Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!" The way these boys are behaving, they must be from "University of Second Choice" (USC).
[Ryan's Apt] Megan demands to know why Ryan never told tell her about Sarah. Ryan says that's why he came over last night, when he found Megan in the closet with Michael. Megan reminds Ryan that they were friends and lovers for 6 months, and even got engaged, and he waited all the way until now to tell her. So Ryan turns the tables, telling Megan what his daughter needs is a mother that can be respected. Megan replies, "Oh right, Lexi is perfect mutha' material" and leaves.
[Jane's Beach House] Kyle arrives "home" and finds Jane crouched on the floor, pitying herself as she reads her latest set of divorce papers. She asks if Kyle will help her polish off the wine, but Kyle declines. Instead, he hands her a Kleenex, a gesture which almost always leads to a passionate kiss. They would have, too, only they're interrupted by the phone. The call is for Kyle. He exclaims, "Oh, wow!" Luckily, Jane speaks his language, and understands what he means is that "A bunch of college kids got out of hand and trashed the club." He apologizes to Jane, then leaves. Jane said she was a loser, and after making that pass, 73% of Melrosians agree.
[Upstairs] The next morning, Kyle is sifting through the rubble once known as Upstairs. The insurance company will cover the repair, but by the looks of the damage, the show will probably be off the air before it could get fixed. For some reason, Peter is there, so the two men start blaming each other for what is obviously their wives' fault. Then the limo pulls up with Amanda and Eve giggling inside. When Eve learns about the fiasco at the club, she says, "Oh, wow!" Only, in this case, it means, "Oh, wow!" Peter takes his wife away. Amanda, meanwhile, shows no remorse for putting Kyle through hell for gallivanting about L.A. trying to land this Tony Marlin creep. Kyle congratulates her, saying she may be getting a client, but is losing a husband.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael informs Peter that Shulman has backed down on all the issues she had been contesting, as a result of Visconti's efforts. Peter and Michael decide to congratulate Visconti, but when they enter Dr. Visconti's office, they find Shulman and Visconti going horizontal on his desk. I sight of Visconti completely naked, except for his black socks and garters, has ruined my desire for desk sex forever!
[Upstairs] The guys are still hauling the debris from the club when Jane shows up. She wants to talk to Kyle about last night. Kyle says he was mad at Amanda at the time. Jane says she was mad at Michael, as well as plastered. They agree it will never happen again, but then immediately look at each other all goo-goo eyed, as if they're going to kiss again. Then Jane makes a surprising announcement: She is going to be working at the office late tonight. Whoopee. She says she's taking a long lunch, and offers to help, so Kyle shoves a broom in her face. He walks off and she looks at him again, completely awestruck.
[AWA] Peter stops by to complain to Amanda about her attitude and how she's ruining his marriage. He wants to know why she's become so destructive lately. She says she's just so damn sick of it all. Maybe Amanda should consider going to Las Vegas with Andy Dick.
[Ryan's Apt] Any time you see Ryan these days, don't be surprised if you mistake Lexi for his shadow, although it's easier to tell the two apart at night, like in this scene. Ryan enters his apartment with Lexi right behind. Ryan finds he has 2 messages on his answering machine, both from Sarah, causing Ryan to contemplate moving back to NY. Lexi talks him into moving Sarah to CA instead. Ryan thinks it's the perfect plan, forgetting that there is one obstacle -- the fact that his sister-in-law has custody of Sarah, not him. Lexi leaves to give him some privacy, and Ryan calls NY. Only, auntie Terry answers and refuses to put Sarah on the phone, asking nimrod if he realizes how late it is there. Ryan admits it's late, but figures that Daylight Savings gives him an extra hour. Terry warns Ryan that if he ever calls late again or makes a surprise visit, she'll make sure he never sees his daughter again. Of course, in typical Melrose fashion, Sarah just happened to come out into the hallway at that moment, and hears everything, causing her pre-bra to heave to and fro.
[Michael's Apt] Lexi runs over to Michael's to tell him she can't believe she talked Ryan into bringing his little brat to the apartment complex, although she should be comforted by the fact that children never last long on this show. Michael gives Lexi some advice, namely, she needs to speak to Sarah before Ryan or Megan get the chance, to explain things from her perspective. Otherwise, Sarah might reject her, resulting in Ryan and the real Megan getting back together. Then Michael is quick to usher Lexi out, since he is expecting Megan for dinner. Unfortunately, the two women cross paths at the front door. Once inside, Megan detects Michael is wearing the cologne he normally uses when he wants to get lucky. She about faces and heads to her bedroom... alone.
[MP Courtyard] Lexi intercepts Ryan as he's heading out to catch a flight to NY. Ryan's forehead still has a nasty gash that looks like it could use an entire tube of Neosporin. But don't worry, I'm sure by next week El Boo-Boo will be all healed with no evidence of a scar whatsoever. Lexi insists on accompanying Ryan to NY to help bring Sarah back to Melrose. Ryan accepts her offer.
[AWA] Amanda presents a storyboard campaign to Tony Marlin, explaining television spots are probably the best form of advertising for his cruise line. Tony says he's impressed, but still isn't ready, so Amanda asks, "Tell me what else I can do in order to get you to sign?" Tony smiles, and Amanda suddenly realizes there's something fishy about Marlin. She tells Tony she's as happily married as one gets on this show, but Tony tells her he's interested in another fish -- Eve. Amanda informs him that Eve, too, is happily married, but this doesn't seem to phase Tony the Tiger. He tells Amanda he's not good at visualization, so he wants her to shoot a real commercial using her own funds before he'll put up his millions. Before he leaves, he adds, "Remember, the success of the commercial depends entirely on the casting." I don't know what Spelling has against Italian men, but once again, he's characterized them as scum.
[St. Agnes Boarding School] Ryan and Lexi arrive to get Sarah. Lexi tries to convince Ryan he should call Sarah first but Ryan insists this way is better. Lexi is afraid Sarah will blow her cover. Then Ryan's cell phone rings. It's Amanda, who wants to know how much is in the company's cash account because she would like a million dollars to shoot a commercial. This gives Lexi the opportunity to run ahead and confess to Sarah that she isn't really Megan. Lexi sneaks past the sleeping sister and makes her way into Sarah's room. Lexi starts talking to this enormous lump under the bedspread. Lexi begs for Sarah not to mention they met before, but when there is no response, she yanks the covers back, only to find a bunch of stuffed animals under the blankets. Moments later, Ryan runs in and asks Lexi, "Where's Sarah?" The mystery here is not *where* Sarah went, but *how* she went, i.e., how Sarah makes it all the way from the outskirts of Poughkeepsie, NY, to the Melrose Place Apartment Complex, CA.
[Mexican Restaurant, Malibu] Jane is passing through some Mexican restaurant whose decor is reminiscent of El Torito, when a voice calls out, "Jane?" She turns and sees Kyle eating dinner by himself. Jane laughs, commenting how small Malibu is and how they'll probably bump into each other a lot once they're neighbors, when the real reason is, everyone always goes to only use 2 or 3 restaurants so of course, everyone is constantly running into each other. Kyle invites her to dine with him, and reluctantly, she accepts. Reluctant, because of that almost-kiss.
[Upstairs] Eve is singing on stage. Amanda and sleaze ball Tony are in the audience, and Amanda has to keep wiping the drool from Tony's face. Peter calls the club asking for Eve, but Amanda takes the call since Eve is still on stage. Peter wants to surprise Eve by coming on down, but Amanda tells him Eve is too busy so to stay home and hangs up on him. After the music ends, Eve heads over to their table, where Tony exclaims, "Amanda, you have friends with such beeeauuutiful voices. I want to pork one of them, and I'm not talking about Tal Bachman." Then Tony tells Eve she should be headlining in Vegas. Eve smiles. Tony asks if Eve will make this a night to remember, by dancing with him. Amanda tells Eve to give the man what he wants.
[Megan's Apt] Megan and Michael are cozied up on the sofa enjoying a pizza and some really good trash talk about Ryan. Megan apologizes to Michael for running out on him last night. Then there's a knock at the door. Michael offers to answer it while Megan gets him another beer. When Michael opens the door, he sees Sarah and says, "We don't need any Girl Scout cookies" and tries to slam it shut. Only, Sarah blocks it and says, "Father Michael?" By this time, Megan returns to the door and sees the little girl who continues, "I'm looking for Megan." Megan answers, "I'm Megan" to which the littlest but not the dumbest McBride replies, "You're not the Megan that came to see me in New York." Michael interjects, "Believe me, she's Megan." Then Sarah says, "I'm Sarah McBride, and I'm looking for my father. Do you know where he is?" The scene ends with as Megan gives us one of her best dumb-blonde looks of the season.
[To Be Continued...] Updated April 19, 1999 |
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