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Melrose Place
[Apt Complex] Lexi arrives, just as the *new* Pool Boy moves past her. Apparently, the old Pool Boy Billy look-alike abandoned the show early, seeking a new contract on "7th Heaven" or maybe "Dawson's Creek" before the influx of displace MP extras hits the street in search of work. Lexi looks around to make sure the coast is clear, then knocks on Michael's door. When he answers, she muffles his big mouth and pushes her way in. Lexi explains she's there sort of like a NATO force to help Michael. (And I thought she wanted to "win.") They hear a raucous outside, and watch, as Megan and Ryan run into each other in the courtyard. The camera cuts to outside, where we can hear every word of their discussion, while poor Michael and Lexi are stuck watching from inside sans audio. Megan wants to tell Ryan the good news, that her brain can actually think, and that she's been thinking about his trip to NY, and how he loved her when he left, but hurt her when he returned. She asks him if something happened back east, causing his mind to go haywire. Ryan tells her it's simply over. So Megan, thinking for the second time this episode, says, "I was thinking, Amanda offered me a job at the agency but I turned her down. But if you can turn your feelings off this easily, so can I. I'm going to accept the position." She walks off in a huff. Back inside Michael's apt, Lexi, who must be damn good a reading lips, recaps the conversation for those of us who find ourselves more dense than Kyle -- that something happened to Ryan in NY, causing him to act this way. She lets out a big "Hmm," then sends Michael out to be buddy-buddy with Ryan, who has left to make a spectacle of himself on the basketball court.
[Basketball Court] Kyle, waiting for Ryan, is warming up on the court and actually sinks 2 baskets in a row, the most I've seen him make... ever! Maybe he's found the secret to playing b-ball is wearing one's baseball cap backwards on his head like a brother about to rap. Ryan shows up and immediately says, "Amanda offered Megan a job at the agency. Is she crazy?" I like how these McBrides ask questions that offer much in the way of ambiguity. I, for one, thought Ryan was referring to Megan as crazy, but Kyle, thinking Ryan's referring to his wife, Amanda, answers defensively, "No, I think YOU'RE crazy." Then Kyle says something about secrets and bad voodoo. "At least I thought you could understand," Ryan says, before trying to contort his face to look as though he's in emotional agony. (I think I prefer the Billy twisted-lip look instead.) Kyle says that McBrides like to wallow in their misery until they've wrecked their whole lives. Kyle gives him some brotherly advice: "Don't do it." Then Kyle leaves, strutting off the court, his body language screaming, "I'm bad, I'm bad." Michael sees this and wants to "High-Five" the fool, but Kyle simply struts on by, shaking his head. Michael challenges Ryan to a game of one-on-one, asking what the house rules are. "One rule -- no talking" Ryan answers, which is going to make it rather difficult for Michael to get any info out of him. Besides, this sounds like a new rule, since talking's all I've ever seen him and Kyle do on the court!
[Peter & Eve's Apt] As the saying goes, when it's Easter, do it like rabbits. So, while we wait for the slew of opening credits of all the "producers" of this show to be flashed on the bottom of our screen, we are privy to Peter Rabbit getting a little cottontail, thumping and humping his little bunny, Eve. Afterwards, an out-of-breath Eve says they seem to have a rejuvenated sex life now that they're filthy rich, using sex to keep them from having to decide what to do or not do with the inheritance money. They agree to put it away in a bank account and live their lives status quo. Peter's recovery period is remarkably short for man of his age, as soon as the two shake on their promise to not touch the money, Peter rolls on top of her, the music plays, and they start in on a repeat performance. Very impressive, Peter.
[AWA] Amanda's first assignment is for Megan to come up with three lists of Lexi's clients: happy, not-so happy, and unsatisfied. Megan sighs. She never had to do this much work at her old job. Amanda explains she already has "soft" at the company, citing Jane, most of the art staff, and Ryan most of the time, so the only openings in the company are for cutthroats. Megan says up for the job and will supply the lists by lunchtime. (I guess Amanda forgot to mention that there is no lunchtime at her agency.) Then Megan asks what assignment Ryan was on in NY. Amanda tells Megan he took personal days. Then Ryan enters, and Amanda grabs them both and sends them into the conference room to work out a civil working agreement. Next, some guy with curly gray hair and a voice like Kathleen Turner on a bad day shows up, introducing himself as Sam Lieberman. He tells Amanda he's been by the building twice, and he wants to buy it. Amanda, so used to sleazy guys hitting on her, automatically replies with "Are you coming on to me?" although what she meant to ask was if he's making her an offer. When he promises to leave everything intact, including its tenants, Amanda agrees to sell him the apt. Megan and Ryan sit down in the conference room where Ryan says they'll talk business, nothing more. So Megan immediately wants to talk about his NY trip, saying it was personal, as if everything Ryan just said went over her head. He explains for a second time that only work matters are to be discussed at work and leaves. Megan's jaw drops. She can't believe how different the rules are from her previous job. Outside, Sammy-boy approaches a big black limo, and says to it's occupant, "It's done. The apt is yours."
[Upstairs] Kyle is impatiently waiting for a delivery truck which seems to be late. He wants to get back to his hammer and tool belt, which he left at the construction site. So Eve offers to wait for him, saying she has nothing better to do anyway since Peter is busy with labor struggles at the hospital. Then Kyle gets the bright idea to offer Eve a position as club manager. Eve replies that she really doesn't need the money. When Kyle realizes she may want to lose money instead, he offers Eve a partnership in the club. "How do I do that?" she asks. Kyle explains she simply buys in, 30%, 40%, whatever she wants. Eve thinks about it for literally 1 second and says, "I'm in. But I want to be partners, 50/50." "Okay," Kyle says, "50/50, just like perfect eyesight."
[Ryan's Apt] Michael shows up with a 6-pack, telling Ryan he felt sorry for him being such a lonely guy. Ryan confesses that he's been hoping Michael would start dating Megan again, but Michael says he's trying to stay away from the second-time-around syndrome. When Ryan goes into the kitchen to get some munchies, Michael sneaks a drug into Ryan's beer. Ryan returns, takes a swig of alcohol, and immediately conks out on the couch. Michael signals to Lexi, who's been waiting at the window of his apt, and she runs up. Then the two cohorts search Ryan's place for clues about NY. Michael finds a box of clues on the table, including airline tix, a car rental map of Poughkeepsie, and a pass for St. Agnes School. Michael gasps, "My God, he's Catholic!!" In the sound byte of the week, when Lexi tells Michael to keep his voice down, Michael replies, "Don't worry, he's drugged. Elephant's flatulence wouldn't wake him up." Unexpectedly, there's a knock at the door, Megan calling for Ryan. Lexi hides as Michael answers the door, pretending to be drunk. Megan hands him a box of Ryan's privates and leaves. Michael quickly makes chase and asks Megan out again. Megan explains that just because you hate someone it doesn't mean you don't love them. She breaks the news to Michael that she was never in love with him as much as she is with Ryan. Michael runs back upstairs to Ryan's apt to tell Lexi that Megan is still in love with the doofus, while Lexi discovers, that the doofus is still wildly in love with Megan. Lexi decides they must find out what happened in NY, and tells Michael to pack his bags for Poughkeepsie. I'm just wondering, is it the weekend, or do people simply not notice these guys are missing from work?
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Amanda is taking a bubble bath in the candlelight, when Kyle brings her a flute of champagne, to celebrate 2 things, her sale of the apt,. and his sale of a piece of the club. Amanda asks who bought in, and Kyle explains that Eve had money to burn, so Amanda's got 50%, he's got 50%, and now Eve's got 50%. Amanda is blue, despite the hot bath water, because of all the memories she'll be leaving when they move out. Kyle gets upset that she still seems to have more feelings for the building than she does for him, and he storms out of the bathroom, throwing another one of his temper tantrums. Amanda jumps out of the tub after him, asking him to comfort her and tell her everything's going to be alright. He does.
[Poughkeepsie] Thank God they put a caption at the bottom of the scene, otherwise I'd be totally confused. Lexi finds out the St. Agnes Boarding School run by nuns and is very exclusive (what else would we expect to find in a town named "Poughkeepsie?") and private -- no visitors other than family and clergy. Then Lexi remembers she looks hot in black...
[Wilshire Memorial] In the parking lot of the hospital, there's a nurses strike being run by nurse Amy of all people. "No money, no care" they chant, even though I'm finding it hard to recall when they ever cared. Inside, Eve breaks the news to Peter that she bought 50% of the club. Peter half-smiles and repeats, "You bought half the club with the money we weren't going to touch?" But just as Peter's about to send her to the moon, Dr. Shulman enters, waving a nurses petition that Peter, Michael, and the rest of the doctors have endorsed. She threatens to take the matter to the board, and then brings up Eve's name again, referring to her as Peter's "jailbird wife." As a public service for the hearing impaired, Eve proceeds to talk to Shulman using sign language. Eve "signs" to Shulman, "Up yours, you mutha-frickin' bitch!" by punching Shulman in the kisser. Shulman tells Peter she's going to add assault to her list of charges and leaves. Eve laughs, unaware of the plethora of lawyers who roam the hallways of Wilshire Memorial with business card in hand.
[AWA] Amanda has Megan give her report about Lexi's clients, Ryan sitting across from her. After her report, Amanda assigns Ryan the task to steal one of Lexi's clients, Jakoby Toys, away from Sterling/Conway, but Ryan disapproves, saying it's bottom-feeding and unethical. This leads Megan into commenting that sleeping with Lexi was also bottom-feeding and unethical. Boy, we haven't had personal affairs this juicy brought into the office since the days of Biwwy and Alithon. Amanda reminds both of them she will not tolerate personal affairs in the workplace. Then she reassigns the Jakoby Toy Account to Megan. Amanda walks over to Jane's drawing table, where she catches Jane daydreaming. "Earth to Jane" Amanda calls out. Jane admits she's been daydreaming a lot lately, and then excuses her behavior, blaming it on not having a man in her life. Jeesh, Jane blames men for her problems even when she doesn't have a man! Then Jane tells Amanda about a company called Madison Galleries -- some guy who buys old churches and turns them into galleries, but who does no advertising. Amanda tells Jane to go for it.
[St. Agnes Boarding School] Michael and Lexi arrive as father and sister, pretending they're from the Catholic School Association, explaining they're here for a routine tour. A sister says "I believe sister Abby is on her way to Mass." At first, Michael and Lexi are concerned Abby may have already left for Boston, but then they realize, wrong Mass. The two question a gardener, who just happens to know Sarah. He points them towards a woman leading a group of little girls. Lexi, the only nun I've ever seen wearing 3" heels, was right when she said she looked hot in black. They approach the woman, asking if she's Sarah McBride. The woman shakes her head no, introducing herself as Sarah's aunt, Terry O'Brien. She then points to Sarah, the little girl who's been spending the past several minutes trying to tie her shoelaces. Yup, must be a McBride all right. They ask Sarah how she got here, so she explains that after her mother died, aunt Terry took her in. Then her aunt started working at the school, at which time Sarah enrolled. That was 4 yrs ago. She explains that her father lives in CA but visits when he can. This shocking news causes even Lexi a blasphemous moment.
[A Church] Jane goes to one of the churches being raped by Madison Galleries. When Jane gets a glimpse of the artist, Jim Rogers, her jaw drops. "Uhhh," she says. "Nice line. Where'd you get it?" he replies. It's love at first drool. Jane can barely speak, instead resorting to undulating motions to get her point across to Jim, or "Jim," as he likes to be called. Then Jim comes back with even a better line, saying his art is inspired by loneliness. "Are you lonely, Jane?" "Sometimes," she utters. "Me too." Then, using her body as his canvas and sex as his paintbrush, he proceeds to whip up a quickie piece of art. I know what you're thinking, that he's a heterosexual, so his art must suck. But by the paint in Jane's hair, she could care less.
[St. Agnes Boarding School] Lexi takes a chance and steals her way back into Sarah's room, again as sister Alexandra. Once at Sarah's bedside, she disrobes and confesses to Sarah that she is actually a friend of Ryan's, and that she loves him very much. But before Lexi can divulge who she is, Sarah jumps to a McBridian conclusion and blurts out, "You're Megan!?!?" Then Sarah starts dribbling at the mouth, better either McBride brother ever did with a basketball. Lexi tells Sarah that Ryan won't marry her or anyone else for that matter, since he made that promise to Sarah. Sarah explains that Ryan never made a promise, that he just uses that as an excuse. So Lexi asks Sarah to think about saying something to her father, so that Ryan can get on with his life. Lexi adds, "When your dad and I get together, I promise you'll get to see him more... like all the time."
[AWA] While Amanda is reviewing some slides, Megan starts thinking out loud, talking about Ryan and NY and how something out there made him do a 180. Amanda, although glad that Megan's brain has actually been thinking on three separate occasions this episode, reminds her that she is not to bring up personal business at work. Then Amanda points to Jim Rogers, waiting in the conference room, and tells Megan all about how Jane landed him without so much as a date or falling in love. Since Megan hasn't come anywhere close to stealing the Jakoby Toy account from Lexi, Amanda suggests that Megan use that noggin of hers for a little creativity of her own. Megan looks at Amanda with those big brown eyes of hers, then cocks her head, just like my dog. Meanwhile, Jane meets with Jim Rogers, who tells her his lawyer is looking over the paperwork as they speak. Then he tells Jane he loves her and asks if she'll marry him. She scrunches her face, saying "Gee, I've only known you for 24 hours." She goes into a diatribe about how they don't know each other, takes a breath, then says, "OK, I'll consider it." Huh? Then Jim invites himself over to her beach house for dinner that evening.
[Wilshire Memorial] Dr. Shulman is busy trying to convince Mr. Denoff and the hospital board to side with her, when Peter steps in and announces that he bought Wilshire Memorial. He explains he inherited mucho dinero but didn't know what to do with it. He then says he is yielding to the demands of the nurses and doctors, and is planning on letting them "buy in" to their hospital, saying "This will be an employee-run enterprise." "This meeting is over," Mr. Denoff announces, "and so is your reign of terror, Dr. Shulman." After the meeting, Shulman goes to Peter's office, figuring she no longer has a place at the hospital now that Peter owns it. But Peter explains to her, "Just so you know, $200,000 buys you a piece of this place, and a place on the board." Only $200k? Wow, I guess every employee at the hospital can afford of an offer like that! Irene Shulman says she'll take advantage, then smiles and starts brown nosing, "Money usually corrupts people, Peter. But it's made you a better man."
[Jane's Beach House] Artist-boy shows up for dinner and informs Jane he plans to move in. Jane tells him in French (what a tease) just how she feels. "Non! Non!" Jim, despite the language barrier, apologizes for getting carried away with his feelings for her and leaves.
[Conway/Sterling] Megan, "being creative," breaks into her old office to steal her Jakoby Toys research info. She's dressed in black just like you're supposed to when you're a cat thief, only she forgot one important item -- GLOVES! She tries to open the file cabinet but it's locked, causing her to curse. Then she hears some giggling next door, and she catches Julie getting it on with some dweeb. They beg Megan not to tell, saying "Lexi hates this sort of thing in the workplace," as if most employers condone such behavior. Megan agrees, under one condition...
[MP Courtyard] Everyone gathers in the courtyard to meet the new landlord, who has promised to reduce their rents by half. They're all excited, until Lexi shows up. "This is a private meeting, for tenants only" Amanda informs her. Lexi replies, "I understand you're here to meet the new landlord. That's me." Amanda gasps, and when Lexi tells her she's got 30 days to vacate, Amanda tells her it'll only take 30 minutes. Everybody else runs back to their little cubbyholes, despite Lexi's promise that they'll have fun now that she's there. Within 45 minutes, Eve's bought a club, Peter's bought a hospital, and Lexi's bought an apartment complex. Boy, am I going to miss realism on TV after this show's gone.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Megan has lunch with the Jakoby Toys guys, and signs them to AWA. Lexi shows up, furious that Megan stole the account away, and tries to kill Megan. Michael grabs Lexi and wrestles her out. Michael explains that he's playing savior and that Megan looked very appreciative. Lexi leaves, but is scared how much Megan is beginning to act like Amanda. Megan agrees to let Michael celebrate with her on landing her new account, as long as he promises no more forays on the roof.
[Basketball Court] Kyle, now wearing his hat backwards AND wearing a Lakers sweatshirt, hoping it might help, shows up to beat the pants off his little bro. Only Ryan isn't up for playing, instead showing Kyle a letter from Sarah giving her approval to marry Megan. Kyle quips, "Now all you gotta do is tell Megan the truth," even though the truth is one of the hardest things to tell among friends on this show.
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle and Amanda are moving in with Jane, who's providing rent-free accommodations. As the movers take the final box, Amanda turns for one last look. Lexi arrives, planning on moving in; Amanda tells her she'll always be a distant second.
[Jane's Beach House] How fortunate Jane's spare bedroom was added on just before Jane bought the place. Amanda showers, but loses hot water after 2 minutes. Amanda complains, then comments about having to use her cell phone to communicate with the office until Jane can have a second line installed. Then her cell phone rings, and surprise, it's the office. Amanda finds out AWA lost the artist's contract. She hangs up, then chews out Jane for breaking up with Jim Rogers prior to the contract being signed. Kyle arrives and sides with Jane, but Amanda says he knows just as little as Jane does about the business. Jane realizes advertising is about selling, and how she feels she can't measure up. Kyle tells her he feels the same way all the time, but tries to live for himself. He and Jane relate.
[Megan's Apt] Ryan bangs on Megan's door. Megan answers it, barely wrapped herself in her satin robe. Ryan says he wants to talk, so Megan asks if it's about work. (Apparently, she's still confused about when and where they're supposed to talk about work vs. personal matters.) Megan asks if he can come back tomorrow since he said he didn't love her. Ryan storms into her bedroom, sniffs around, then yanks the closet door open, where Michael is standing, wearing only the bed sheet. As Michael squirms, Ryan rolls his eyes. Lexi, acting as a landlord who cares, is quick to arrive on the scene to add her "Ahem." We end with that out-of-control guitar riff, which is one thing I'll surely NOT miss from this show.
[To Be Continued...]
Last Modified April 13, 1999 |
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