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Melrose Place
[Michael & Jane's Apt] Let's see, if Melrose Monday falls on an odd number, that means Jane hates Michael and never wants to see him again, but if the date is an even number, then that means Jane is in her "I'm-sorry-for-doubting-you-Michael-and-let-bygones-be-bygones" phase. Since today is the 22nd, Jane cozies up to the slimy doctor-husband of hers, wanting to spend the entire day in bed with him. But Michael tells her he has a breakfast appointment with his lawyer. Now, instead of asking if this lawyer is a balding male, or a female with legs up-to-here and a hemline higher than they wear in Boston these days, Jane asks the question: "Why do you need to see your lawyer? I thought all the sexual harassment charges against you have been dropped?" Obviously, Jane isn't from around these parts, otherwise she would've already been busy planning her own lawsuit against Passion Island Resorts, for having lopsided sand on their beach, causing her to sprain her ankle. So she doesn't understand when Michael tells her he's countersuing the hospital for dragging his good name through the mud.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] Eve wakes up, talking all goo-goo to Peter, but finds she's not talking to Peter, but to an incredible simulation hanging on the refrig in the form of a note: "Sorry about breakfast. I had to drive Amanda to Pasadena to see Kyle. I'll see you at dinner." While Eve is flabbergasted (which may be due to all the pork 'n' beans she ate for dinner last night), I'm scratching my head wondering why Amanda simply couldn't drive herself. Could it be, Peter will drive so Amanda can doze off in the passenger seat on the way up and have a nightmare similar to the one Kyle had when he was being driven up by Amanda last week? And for those unfamiliar with the area, granted, the Pasadena Freeway is a little windy, so you can't speed as you would normally on the freeway, but still, it's not an all day trip from West Hollywood to Pasadena and back.
[Erwich Institute] Amanda catches Kyle, who's late for his next "session." He says he has to go, but Amanda keeps him around a little longer, insisting he tell her what they do in those sessions. Kyle says they talk, so naturally, the Me-Goddess says, "I bet everyone talks about me, me, ME, don't they." This attitude is nothing less than we have come to expect from someone who still insists on being introduced as "Special Guest Star," even after 7 seasons. When Kyle's lips suddenly zip up and he loses the key, Amanda becomes furious, realizing that Kyle blames her for all his faults... his lack of a brain, his quick temper, his inability to play basketball, even his sterility. She about-faces and heads back to the car, ordering Peter to drive her home. Peter tells her her problem is that she's out of control when she's not in control, as if it's the profound statement of the year.
[Passion Island Resorts, Cabo] The scene starts out with Ryan and Lexi both lying face down, completely naked, getting full body massages. Needless to say, the female viewers get a taste of what Audrey means when she says she "got the short end of the stick," because for the next few minutes, we are privy to a bunch of close up shots of hot, baby-oiled skin... Lexi's skin! Those hoping to catch a glimpse of Ryan had better freeze-frame the shot early on 'cuz that's all you're gonna get! Then the two are shriveling up like prunes in the Jacuzzi, throwing out ad campaign ideas. Lexi suggests, "Adventures in Paradise" but Ryan swears it's the name of a book AND a TV show (what planet is this guy from?), so she then says, "How about Skin Surfers?" Ryan giggles. Then Ryan that the two of them sitting around together working is a BAD IDEA, since they represent enemy agencies. Lexi continues, however, when suddenly they both orgasm simultaneously, shouting out the idea "Singles Camp!" which Ryan says he thinks is a GREAT IDEA, proving beyond a doubt that Ryan has no clue which ideas are good and which are bad. Lexi suggests they work together on the idea and flip a coin in the end to see which agency gets to present it. Bad idea. So, of course, Ryan agrees to it.
[Upstairs] Eve is packing her beauty creams, when Amanda enters, asking whether she's changed her mind and will stay at the club. Eve, apparently the recipient of Amanda's nasal cold from last week, says she only wishes she had left sooner, so she could be working at a hip club by now. Then Eve makes a comment about Amanda running off with Peter, and Amanda realizes Eve is jealous. So Eve asks what the deal is between Amanda and Peter. Amanda answers, "It's called friendship." Eve makes another snide remark, causing Amanda to slap Eve across the face. This doesn't even cause the hardened criminal to flinch. "You gotta do better than that!" Eve touts. Apparently, this is the version of friendship as taught in our fine correctional facilities these days.
[Passion Island Resorts] Megan calls Ryan to find out how things are going. Ryan tells her it's pretty good... either they'll get the advertising contract, or they won't. Duh. During their conversation, every now and then, Megan would slips in an "I love you" to which Ryan would reply, "I love me, too." or if she said "I miss you," he would say, "Yeah, I miss himself too." Typical of a McBride. "Well, back to the salt mines," Ryan quips, then hangs up. Lexi strolls over and says, "This is the best damn campaign I've ever come up with," which really isn't something she should admit. Ryan asks Lexi how they should decide who gets the campaign? Lexi replies, "When in Mexico, do like the Mexicans." So they decide to get totally wasted on tequila. Ryan calls room service for the liquor. While on hold, he says to Lexi, "100% plant of the genus Agave, native to hot, dry regions of the New World and having basal rosettes of tough, sword-shaped, often spiny-margined leaves -- straight shots?" "Whatever" Megan retorts, "You already lost."
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] Audrey pays Michael an unexpected visit, telling him she feels as horny as Lauren Bacall in "To Have or Have Not." Then Audrey wants to show Michael how she interpreted the line "You just put your lips together and... blow," but before she can blow Michael he Michael ushers her out of the office, telling Audrey that Jane is on her way over and if anyone caught them together in his office, their wrongful termination scam would be ruined. Audrey asks Michael if he and Jane are back together and Michael concedes that he is, but only because Jane has a medical condition.
[Apt Complex] Amanda calls the Erwich Institute, and while on hold, eyes Peter as he's arriving home. Peter calls out Eve's name, but finds that Eve, too, can play at the notes-on-the-refrig game. Only Eve can't even play this game right, as she leaves her note on the coffee table. "Sorry about dinner. Hope you had a good time with Amanda. Maybe I'll see you at breakfast." Meanwhile, Amanda is told that there is no answer in Kyle's room.
[Erwich Institute] Kyle, obviously in a rehab session, is busy playing pool with some guy who will most likely play John Goodman some day in the future when they make a movie about John Goodman after he dies from a heart attack from being so overweight. Although the guy has got to work on his voice. Anyway, he tells Kyle this is his 5th time in the place (I guess the Erwich Institute's reputation as a rehab center is as stellar as Wilshire Memorial's reputation is as a hospital!) The guy continues, saying his wife likes the peace and quiet while he's here in detox, and so do her "I told you so" friends. Then he adds that his wife's also gets some free nooky from one of her ex-lovers while he's here. Kyle explodes with rage, shoving his cue stick into the guy's chest and telling him to shut up. "Hey man, it's not like I'm talking about your life" he says, causing Kyle to slam his cue stick onto the pool table. And people wonder why the tips are always broken off house cues!
[Passion Island Resorts] Lexi and Ryan are trashed. "Back to the salt mines" Ryan quips, as he salts the fleshy area between his thumb and index finger. They stumble about. "All this talking about water makes me thirsty" says Lexi. They both grab for the same bottle of juice. Then this look comes over them, as they stare into each other's glassy eyes. In a moment, either they're going to kiss, or they're going to blow chunks. Lexi says she better go and she runs from the balcony back inside. Ryan agrees, saying that's a good idea. Of course, it was also a good idea to engage in this drinking game. Ryan discovers that when Lexi said she had better go, she was referring to the closet. She invites him in, and I mean in all the way! The hint of sex between them is so hot that a commercial break is inserted at this point.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] It's morning, and Peter's busy on the phone calling everywhere from hospitals to missing persons, when Eve strolls in. He demands to know where she was at 3 a.m., so she tells him she was playing a gig with her old band. Well, not her old, old band, but just her old band. Peter tells her she missed her meeting with her parole officer yesterday, causing Eve to recoil, realizing she goofed. Peter asks sarcastically if he's supposed to lie for her in this sort of situation, then tells her not to do this to him again. "Oh Peter, get over yourself!" Eve blurts, giving him one nasty look. I guess it's safe to say the honeymoon's over with these two and we can probably start to see divorce papers generated in another couple of weeks, where the marriage life cycle appears to coincide with the phases of the moon. Even Peter can't believe this storyline, so he asks Eve, "Why are you doing this? Why?" Eve, of course, is speechless, probably because one of the writers forgot to finish the scene.
[Passion Island Resorts] Ryan and Lexi find themselves lying in closet together. They are awakened when the maid service enters, and upon discovering the two naked bodies stuck together like a couple of pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, goes running from the room, screaming in Mexican. Hmm, I always figured in Mexico, they'd have foreigners working the menial jobs such as this one, but I guess not. Ryan and Lexi race out into the hall in a desperate attempt to submit their campaign strategy before the deadline, only by the time they get to the breakfast buffet, they find a winner has already been chosen. Ryan and Lexi agree not to tell anyone back home about their blundering.
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] Peter confronts Michael about the lawsuit he filed. Peter can't believe that Michael isn't satisfied in simply getting his job back. Michael tells Peter if he wants to help, settle out of court for $2 million by end-of-day tomorrow. Peter may not be getting any from home, but at least he's getting screwed at work.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Dr. Viagra, I mean Visconti, spots Lexi sitting alone at a corner So he heads over to give her some advice, telling her to stop going after the kooks (or was that Coops) and Peters, and go for the shy, inspiring type instead. Visconti then adds, "As a Zen master once said, to catch butterfly, you must wait with open hand." (Personally, I think it was Kwai Chang Caine who said that.) Lexi thinks he's trying to hit on her again until she sees some young woman come up and tell Visconti, "I'm ready, Louis," and the two of them stroll off to their table, or more likely, to the back seat of his car.
[Megan's Apt] Ryan visits Megan with flowers and candy. This is always a sign that the guy is guilty of one thing or another, but Megan is her oblivious self. She wants to talk all about Passion Island, but Ryan simply shakes his head, saying he'd rather not. So Megan decides to try out her new icebreaker, and tells Ryan the news that Kyle is in rehab. Ryan gasps, "What? Re-rehab? What happened?" Duh, why this comes as a shock to Ryan, considering he knew his brother was on drugs and booze, shows just why he and Megan are meant to be together. I think they made a movie about this couple, played by Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey
[Peter & Eve's Apt] Amanda stops by to see Eve, but Peter informs her that Eve is out for the eve. Amanda "A-ha's" Peter, realizing Eve must be having a fight with him as well as her. Peter invites her in and they literally cry on each other's shoulder. Ryan, walking by Peter's window, can't resist peeking in. When he does, he spots Amanda inside with Peter, comforting each other, so he opens the door to Peter's place and invites himself in. Then he unloads a mouthful of McBridisms, including "Getting cozy with your ex-husband I see" and "Where's your wife tonight, doctor?" Then he leaves. Peter goes out to look for Eve, figuring how many clubs could there be other than Upstairs?
[AWA] Kyle calls Amanda at work, figuring she never leaves this early. I mean, it's probably only around midnight. As we all know, Amanda is already back home, although why there's a receptionist still there is another question. And needless to say, she's a worse receptionist than even Alison Parker during her first season on the show. This temp says to Kyle, "If this is Dr. Burns, I have message for you." Kyle, quick on his toes, says, "Yeah, I'm Dr. Burns." So the receptionist delivers the message: "Ms. Woodward says to just stay at your apt and she'll meet you there."
[Rave Club] Eve and her old band are playing at some underground rave club, where the melody is such that even Rena Sofer can probably sing this one rather than have to lip sync like she normally does. Suddenly, a bunch of cops burst on the scene. One particularly bright officer yells, "This place is closed. Nobody move." Of course, EVERYBODY moves, including Eve. But when she tries sneaking out the back, she's nailed by one of the cops. "You're under arrest for unlawful assembly" he says as he cuffs her. Gosh, unlawful assembly is right up there with jock murdering, and I wouldn't be surprised if it carried a 15 yr sentence minimum!
[Police Dept.] Peter meets Greg, Eve's parole officer at the police dept., telling him that he pulled some strings and got Eve charges dropped for performing at an unlicensed rave club. Greg tells Peter his motto is, "You get one chance," adding that if Eve does this again it's right back in the women's correctional facility in Stockton. Peter agrees. Eve gets released, and she apologizes. When Peter comments that he hopes she's gotten this "rebel thing" out of her system, something clicks inside her tiny little brain, and she starts bad mouthing him and Amanda. Peter pours his heart out to her, and she takes a swig then spits it back in his face. Yes, it's Eve's turn to play bitch-of-the-week.
[Erwich Institute] Ryan visits Kyle. Of course, the first thing out of his mouth is, "It's not my fault, Kyle. I was out of the country. No one told me you were here." Kyle says he misses everybody back home, like Ryan, Eve, and Amanda. Then Kyle asks his little bro to promise to take care of Amanda while he's in rehab. Ryan promises.
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter hands over a check for $2 million to Michael, with Jane by his side. Michael takes the money, then demands Peter verbally apologize to him. After much agony, Peter finally does apologize. Peter asks Michael if he wouldn't mind going out the back, so as to avoid the hoard of reporters congregating down the hall. Michael knows what the "going out the back" means, having had to use that exit last week when was trapped talking to Audrey, so Michael decides to use the front exit, even if this means speaking to the reporters. The most interesting moment in this scene, however, is the $2 million check. It's made out to Michael Mancini, 1316 Cliffside Ln, Malibu, CA 90265. Hello? Didn't the writers remember Michael no longer lives at the beach house? Also, for those interested in Wilshire Memorial's address, it's 22255 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90019. Ph: (213) 555-9872 and Fax: (213) 555-9788.
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Ryan drops by to see Megan, but runs into Lexi first. Lexi offers her breast & shoulder for Ryan to cry on, so he starts talking about Peter and Amanda getting extremely "friendly" while Kyle's in rehab. Lexi admits that she saw Amanda and Peter get a room together in a hotel a couple of episodes back, causing Ryan to nearly bust a blood vessel. When Megan shows up, Ryan says, "My blood started flowing and the next thing I knew, something came up." (Music to Megan's ears!) But then Ryan disappoints her by saying he's gotta go.
[Audrey's Hotel Room] Michael gives Audrey her cut of the money, namely $300 grand. Now she can take her acting lessons, and get a part on a daytime soap as a nurse or something. Michael tells her he doesn't do actresses, and leaves. Audrey expresses some sort of face, which should improve after a couple of lessons.
[Sterling-Conway Enterprises] Megan, the most trusting one on the show, asks Lexi if anything went on between her and Ryan. Lexi denies all charges. Then Megan thanks Lexi for being her friend and she hugs Lexi, just like Ryan did down in Cabo.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] Peter arrives home, calling out Eve's name, but Ryan comes up behind him so quickly he almost runs into Peter. Eve, it turns out, is sleeping in the bedroom, and is awakened by Ryan's ranting. Ryan accuses Peter of putting Kyle in rehab in order to get him out of the way, so that Peter can have his way with Amanda. Peter tells Ryan he is way out of line here, but Ryan disagrees. Sure, he just finished cheating on Megan a couple days earlier down in Cabo, but he was down in Mexico, "doing like the Mexicans" as he put it. Now he's back in the good ol' U.S. of A., where infidelity is a crime. Eve listens intently as Ryan rants about Peter and Amanda having an affair. Despite Peter's best efforts, Ryan leaves still thinking that something is going on between Peter and Amanda. Somehow, it seems that practically the entire cast has become idiots, believing this ridiculous story. Megan (well, she's always been a little short on brain cells), Ryan, Lexi, and even Eve. Yes, Eve. After Ryan runs out, the phone rings. It's Amanda, who's called to tell Peter she took a home pregnancy test (for some reason), and it turned out pinkish-whitish-blue, which means she's definitely pregnant, either that or it's predicting rain. When Peter hears this, he says, "You're pregnant?!" The he adds, "I--I wouldn't tell anybody this, actually." Why? Don't ask me. The two agree to meet at the hospital. Eve of course, now believes Peter must be the perpetrator.
[Erwich Institute] A nurse tells Kyle that his wife is here to see him. Kyle says to let her in. Now despite the fact that the first time Kyle's wife visited, it was a blonde woman, the fact that the person visiting Kyle this time is a shorter brunette seems to go unnoticed. After all, it's not unusual to get divorced and remarried within a week, while spending the entire time in a detox center. Remember, this is La La Land. Eve tells Kyle that Peter and Amanda are having an affair, and that Peter purposely got Kyle addicted to drugs so that he would fly to NYC and hook up with Sharp Objects, and then come back to L.A., and then have Kyle's dad come out and cut Kyle down and then cause Kyle to go berserk and burn down his and Amanda's dream house, and then have him go mental and cut his hand on a broken vodka bottle while watching snow on the TV, and then make him forget how to use a TV remote control so all he can do his hit the top of the set, and then the coup de grace, to get Kyle into the Erwich Institute, a rehab center with such high security that Kyle will never be able to escape, at which time Peter and comfort Amanda and they could maybe make a baby, since no one would suspect it's not Kyle's, even though Kyle is a sterile as a Band-Aid. Kyle thinks about this for a moment, then realizes how much sense this asinine sentence makes, it's so "cleary" now. So Kyle orders Eve to hand over her car keys and heads back to L.A., leaving her all alone in Pasadena, a woman in search of a drug problem.
[Wilshire Memorial] Lexi pays Dr. Visconti a visit, wanting him to explain that "butterfly thing" he was referring to the other night, and if it had anything to do with that episode on "L.A. Law" where they talked about the butterfly technique. Visconti explains to Lexi to try to tone down, not to come on so strong, and even to walk out on the man before he can walk out on her (loosely translated.) She thanks him, then struts out his door, bringing a smile to his face and a ball of sweat to his forehead. Kyle arrives soon thereafter, storming into the hospital, demanding to know where Peter is. Nurse Amy, an expert at handling raving lunatics, pretends that she doesn't understand English. Michael is loitering in the hall and follows Kyle as he heads off to Peter's office. The door to Peter's office is locked, but it bursts open when Kyle give it a marine kick (at least his time in the military didn't all go to waste), then turns the entire office upside down. Michael watches as Kyle leaves for the club. Michael then calls Amanda at her office to tell her of Kyle escape, saying he looks like he wants to kill Peter. Amanda says this is ridiculous (what part of this episode isn't?), but Michael says all the same, he hopes for Pete's sake that Peter isn't at the club. Amanda hangs up, ponders momentarily, then heads to the club herself.
[Audrey's Apt] Audrey, having finished watching her lovemaking session with Michael that she has on videotape, turns on the news where she sees a taped interview of Michael telling the press that he hopes that nurse who lied about him will get the help she needs to someday get her head screwed on straight again. Needless to say, this comment fails to go over well with Audrey, so she opens a nearby dresser drawer and pulls out a special mailer, designed to hold one VHS sized tape. She puts the tape in the envelope and addresses it to Dr. Peter Burns. "We'll see who gets screwed." For her sake, I hope she made copies.
[Upstairs] Peter, enjoying what may be his last scotch, is a sitting duck for Kyle, who storms in and grabs Peter by the throat. Somehow, Peter is able to utter the words, "I'm not having an affair with Amanda." It doesn't matter who he's having the conversation with, it's just what he says these days. The bartender tries to pry Kyle away but gets tossed. Amanda arrives, and figures she can break them apart. Only Kyle flings her off and she crashes through a nearby window, falling to the restaurant floor below. Well, at least the writers came up with a novel way to end yet another pregnancy on this show.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified February 22, 1999 |
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