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Melrose Place
[Audrey's Hotel Room] Michael has to push Audrey back in order to unlock their lips. "Whoa, where's this coming from?" he asks. Audrey says that the scam was fun, but she's curious what the real thing would feel like. It turns out that Michael has devised yet another get-rich scheme, this time using the PC-ness of the '90s to his advantage. Yes, he and Audrey are in bed together all right. The plan is, for Audrey to admit concocting all the sexual harassment charges against Michael. Then Michael can do what is customary in California by turning around and suing the hospital. Audrey will get $150k (although she says $300k is a much rounder number), which she gasps, is just what she needs so she can pay to take acting classes, although she's darn better than that dweeb last week who was supposedly "acting" when he met Lexi as bachelor #3! Thank God the writers are living up to their reputation, reaching new heights of absurdity with each and every episode. At this rate, what will the climatic episode finale be like? Could it be true that Jake will return, newly divorced, and sweep Kelly Taylor, who's still yearning for a real man, away from her zip code? Audrey starts nibbling at Michael's ear, telling him she's starving for a juicy footlong hot dog, which is fine for Michael, who tells her to order whatever she wants from room service.
[Upstairs] Amanda and Ryan are in Kyle's office in their search for Kyle. Kyle's motto in the marines has always been, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going," so tough-boy got going and ran away. Amanda finds a Ziploc full of pills laying on the desk, and she asks in her nasal voice, "Pills? Are these Kyle's? Obviously, she's hoping there's an antihistamine in the baggie that will get her through this episode. Ryan answers, "I can't answer that question," his lame response reminding us once again that he is indeed a full-blooded McBride. Then Amanda spots the blueprints to their dream house spread out on the couch, a clue so big even Clouseau couldn't miss it. "I KNOW WHERE HE WENT!" she says.
[Amanda & Kyle's Dream House] Kyle has a gas canister in hand, as he douses fuel about the framework of their future dream house, nursery and all. Amanda arrives, just as Kyle hurls the canister through a plate glass window. The builders forgot to lay a concrete foundation (pointed out by an astute viewer), yet they remembered to put the glass windows in already? Oh well, chalk it up to another bass-ackwards Melrosian goof. Amanda chases Kyle into the middle of the "home," begging him to stop, but he tells her it's too late. "I hate to break it to you, but the dream... is dead." And despite the signs posted up and down the beach saying "NO OPEN FIRES," Kyle then lights a rag and throws it into the nursery, igniting the entire wooden frame. Then, surrounded by flames, Kyle decides this is the time to discuss his sterility. She asks, "Why are you doing this?" To which he replies, "Cuz I can't give you a baby. I'm... sterile." This seems to be an adequate reason for burning their house to the ground and she says, "Oh, then it's okay." Kyle runs to his car and drives away, while Amanda can only stand by her car wishing she had brought some Graham crackers, marshmallows, and Hershey's kisses.
During the intro. credits, we find that clueless Kyle McBride actually directed this episode! I guess now that the show's been canceled, Spelling could care less how crappy the episodes turn out...
[Amanda & Kyle's Dream House] The next morning, a fire crew is putting out the last of the cinders, which look like match sticks sticking out of the ground. Ryan arrives, saying what he always says, "I can't find him anywhere." Amanda asks why Kyle kept his problem a secret from her longer than the normal time it takes to have a baby on this show. A lack of storylines comes to my mind, but Ryan explains, "He didn't want to disappoint you Amanda."
[Lexi's Apt] Lexi is in bed, rubbing her crotch (well, as close as one can given a rating of "TV14 DSLV" (whatever the hell that means), and moaning "Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, I know everything about you except how to make you to fall in love with me." She's even got a Faxed photo of the CPA on the pillow next to her, a fair representation of such a flat personality. For some reason, Megan then calls, to tell Lexi she might be late to work this morning. Megan explains that the tough went berserk last night, burning down his dream house, then got going, and now Ryan "has everyone stationed all over town, hoping Kyle will show up. I'm covering my living room." Lexi lets out a big "Oh brother!" followed by "I wonder how Kyle found out about Peter and Amanda at the hotel." Megan doesn't understand, adding "No. This has nothing to do with Peter. Kyle's sterile as Peter's scalpel! Ryan told me everything." Well, now we know what Megan's johns have know all along... that Megan's got a really big mouth. Lucky for Lexi that Megan is clueless about most things said to her. Lexi then says she wants to volunteer for Kyle patrol, so Megan tells her to speak with Ryan, who's stationed at the club.
[Wilshire Memorial] Nurse Amy tells Michael the hospital probably isn't the best place to be loitering, adding, "I hate to say 'I warned you so,' but I told you so." Michael is waiting for the board meeting to end, since today was the day Audrey was supposed to confess to them. When Peter gets out, however, it's clear that nothing was said and that Michael is not wanted. Michael pretends to leave, but hunts down Audrey instead, who's standing around half-dressed, or half-undressed, as I like to look at it, in the staff dressing room. She tells Michael that she's done some thinking, and that she's "getting the short end of the stick." She wants more, meaning Michael. He agrees to renegotiate, then has to leave via the window when another nurse tries to enter the room.
[Hollywood Police Station] Amanda tells Ryan over the phone that the cops can't do anything for 48 hours. No reason, that's just the way L.A. cops are. Ryan tells her the president of Passion Island Resorts has invited a dozen top agencies to his island to pitch campaigns. Amanda says she can't think about it and asks Ryan to whip something up.
[Upstairs] Lexi shows up at the club and overhears Ryan's conversation with Amanda regarding the Passion Island Resorts account. Lexi says they've been invited as well. Ryan says that he can't think about the campaign right now because his brother's missing, and he's not referring to brain cells this time. But Lexi understands, and she says she wants to help. But enough about Kyle, Lexi then turns the conversation to talking about how she's found Mr. Right, describing the guy as being intelligent, sexy, and sensitive (she's supposed to be describing Ryan, but had I not known this already, I would've been totally clueless.) Ryan, who must've forgotten he's supposed to be stationed at the club, leaves. Lexi immediately calls her office and tells Julie to drop everything because they're going after the Passion Island account.
[Jane's Apt] Michael arrives at the complex, only to find Jane dancing around with a margarita as her partner, listening to a Herb Alpert wannabe. Michael thinks she's getting ready for a vacation, but she tells him it's business, then shuts her windows on him.
[Peter's Apt] Amanda returns home and asks Peter about Kyle's sterility. Peter admits he knew about Kyle's problem from day one, but patient-doctor confidentiality prevented him from telling her. This earns him yet another free squeezing of Amanda's body as they hug.
[Basketball Court] Kyle is sitting on the ground drinking a 44 oz bottle of malt liquor. Ryan shows up and says, "I knew this is where you'd be," saying as a kid, Kyle would always run away to the gym. Now if Ryan knew Kyle would be here, why did it take until nightfall for Ryan to go there? Ryan tells Kyle he hates himself, not everyone else. Then they do some brotherly thing while playing a game of basketball, where Kyle shows he can shoot blanks in more than one "sport."
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle finds solace sleeping next to the morning paper on the front steps of the apt. Amanda finds him there and is so happy. She says everything was her fault, but Kyle insists the blame was his. "I wanted to be the perfect man, but when I found I wasn't, I lost it." he explains, although if you ask me, I don't think his sterility is his only "shortcoming." (Get it? That hurt my brain to come up with that one.) Anyway, he promises never to leave Amanda, even for a minute and they hug.
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Ryan stops by to tell Megan he's going to Cabo for the Passion Island account. Their coochy-coo meeting is then briefly interrupted when Lexi's go-fer heads in pretending to need a file. While they're not looking, Julie presses the intercom button on Megan's phone. Not as slick as Amanda's set-up with the bugs planted in the walls, but the effect is the same, as Lexi hears Ryan tell Megan to convince Lexi to let her go as the Sterling-Conway rep. Ryan leaves, and Megan approaches Lexi, who quickly denies Megan's request, saying that with Ryan there, a conflict of interest will exist, where "Ideas will get swapped as easily as bodily fluids." Lexi says she doesn't know who she'll send... Ahem!
[Upstairs] Rikki G is reading a concert review of their band in the San Francisco Zone, a popular mag of L.A., since everyone knows Angelinos would much rather be San Franciscans, any day. The review is positive, bringing a smile to Eve's face. Then Amanda enters, interrupting their back patting, and fires Sharp Objects, along with the dull object, Rikki G, since he was the worst influence of all on Kyle. Eve runs after Amanda and gives her the "Hey!"-speech. "This is my career you're messing with." Of course, this is the same response she had when her last band was fired and replaced with Sharp Objects, so this may simply be her M.O.
[Courtyard] Michael catches Jane as she leaves for Mexico with Ryan, and he tells her she'll be sorry and will soon be owing him an apology. They leave and Megan sniffs Michael, noticing he's got a peculiar scent. "Yeah, that special scent. You only use it when you want to get Audrey, I mean, lucky." cologne he only wears when he wants to get lucky.
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle is supporting those greedy bastards known as NBA basketball players, when suddenly the TV picture turns to snow. First, Kyle runs up and punches the set, but this doesn't do much good, so he grabs the remote and starts pressing buttons. "Shhh," he says to the set, as if "They're heeeere!" After fumbling around for awhile, he suddenly realizes he's not the perfect man -- he can't even use a remote control properly. So he runs over to the freezer where he finds some comfort in a bottle. He's sucking down the juice when he stumbles, smashing the bottle and cutting his hand.
[Audrey's Hotel] Michael arrives. Audrey asks him who the real Michael Mancini is, so Michael says, "I'm like a volcano. I just go along dormant, then kabloo-ey, I erupt." When Audrey asks why, Michael gives her three reasons: "The need for power, for money. The need for attention." Audrey tells Michael she's been holding out for him, then turns him around and feeds him her tongue. The two head for a horizontal plane together, arm in arm, where Audrey will soon discover that stimulation is reason #4 which causes Mr. Volcano to erupt."
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Amanda arrives home and sees the snow on the TV and blood on the kitchen counter. She runs into the bedroom, where she finds Kyle McBride playing Nicholas Cage playing Ben Sanderson, ready to leave Las Vegas. Quickly, Amanda plays Sera, strapping on some leather and lace. Then she pulls the alcoholic close to her, trying to calm him down, although pressing him against her breast may not be the most prudent technique.
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter explains to Amanda that he's going to check Kyle into the Erwich Institution in Pasadena, a rehab center for alcoholics who cut their hands on the bottles they're drinking from. Peter gets another free Amanda squeeze, and Kyle sees this.
[Cabo] The president of Passion Island Resorts, looking like a tipsy Mr. Roarke, is leading the groveling pack of ad execs around the fantasy island. He tells them the beach games start first thing in the morning. Lexi talks Ryan into a walk on the beach.
[Audrey's Hotel Room] Michael drops by with a bouquet of flowers. In return, Audrey has a list of demands: She wants $300,000 AND for him to continue as Mt. Vesuvius in her. She understands the original plan was to return to his wife, but Audrey asks Michael why he would return to someone who didn't believe in him. Then she adds, "We're both greedy, horny, and not particularly honest. In a perverse way, we're made for each other." I don't know if it was this last line, or the fact she dropped her clothes, that convinces Michael, but in any case, seconds later the two of them plop onto her bed and the eruption begins. As they toss about, Audrey reaches for a remote control from a nearby drawer, turning on a hidden video camera, taping them in the act, as her insurance policy.
[Cabo] As Lexi and Ryan scope out the area for tomorrow's beach activities while talking about Lexi's Mr. Right, Lexi suddenly shoves her tongue down Ryan's throat. After a moment, he separates them. "I'm sowwy. I'm so sowwy" Lexi says. "I wet mysewf get out of contwow. I hate when that happens." Ryan admits the only thing he's surprised about is that she apologized.
[Amanda's Car] On the way to the rehab center, Kyle dozes off and has a nightmare about being behind in a straight jacket, behind bars, where he's helpless as he watches Peter and Amanda embrace each other and kiss. He wakes up screaming and looks over at Amanda, who is driving. They arrive at the center, Kyle says his adieus, and then he heads off to visit with Robert Downey Jr., Christian Slater, and Charlie Sheen.
[Wilshire Memorial] Audrey catches Peter as he's leaving his office to do rounds. She tells Peter, "I kinda lied. No, that's an exaggeration. I really lied." These are the types of lines you'd expect out of Megan, not a redhead. So, Audrey confesses to lying about the affair and Michael sexually harassing her, and offers to resign. But she wants to know if it's too late for Dr. Mancini's career. Peter tells her not to worry her little nurse brain, that he'll take care of Michael.
[Cabo] As part of the Passion Island Ad Wars, everyone must participate in the 3-legged race. Jane is paired up with Lexi, while Ryan is tied to the president himself. Jane and Lexi tumble to the ground and Jane sprains her ankle, while Ryan's team wins. Ryan helps Jane back to her bungalow, and the president says to Lexi, "Jane just made a few brownie points. Had she beaten me, whoosh! She would've been on the next plane outta here." Lexi looks at him like, "What's the point?" Which is my face exactly. And you people wonder why the ratings are down...
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] Michael is sitting in his office, drooling over yachts, when he hears the front door to the office open. Quickly, he pretends to be on the phone with another hospital, getting rejected yet again. Peter tells Michael about Audrey's confession to faking the whole thing, and as a result, Michael can have his old job back, complete with a handful of apologies from Peter and the board. Of course, this is the point when Michael plays his "Sue" card, saying he may never be able to go back to that hospital, now that his name has been tarnished. Michael then says he better talk to his lawyer before going forward.
[Michael's Apt] Jane hobbles over, saying she had to return from the campaign since she sprained her ankle. After all, everyone knows just how much the ankle plays in winning an account. Jane tells Michael that Peter told her what happened with the Audrey incident. Jane, who's as fickle as the day is smoggy, is now acting as though she trusted Michael all along. He invites her in and the two start smooching.
[Upstairs Office] Amanda is up in arms with the club's paperwork, and feels like things are falling apart. To add to her problems, Eve storms in and quits. Eve tells Amanda to stop trying to control everyone else's lives. Eve leaves and asks Rikki G if he's landed any new gigs yet. He says he's working on it, then asks where Amanda's at. Eve points to the office, and Rikki beelines over. Rikki asks to be paid, but when Amanda says she'll mail it to him, he gets tough. He demands a check for two grand, written out to "Cash." Amanda thinks the price is a bit steep, but Rikki G. explains his band carried Kyle for a month, which suddenly makes his price seem too cheap. Rikki G wants airfare home too, which means, tough luck for Eve since she can't leave the state. Maybe this is on Eve's mind, too, because she has this nervous look on her face as she waits for Peter to come by to pick her up. Moments later, the doctor arrives. But when he sees Eve, he wonders what's wrong. Meanwhile, back in the office, Amanda finally cuts Rikki his check. Then Rikki says to her, "You like bad boys, don't you? I'll bet this check that you miss it. You know, the drugs, the partying, the rough sex." With that, Amanda slaps him. "Cool. Foreplay" he says, then proceeds to jump her bones, pinning her on the desk, spread eagle. Just when he's about to whip out his sharp object, Amanda reaches over for a conveniently placed glass ashtray and whacks Rikki G. alongside the head. She tries to get up but Rikki G. recovers and grabs her again. Suddenly, Peter arrives and he gives Rikki G. a couple good rabbit punches, as well as a few Austin Powers karate chops. Rikki G. falls to the floor. And with that rescue, Peter scores a hat trick as he gets free feel #3 from Amanda, as she hugs him for saving her life. Eve looks on with that dumbfounded look that usually only graces Kyle's mug.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified February 15, 1999 |
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