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Melrose Place
Note to the murders at Fox, aka "network programmers": Did you notice the millions of people mourning in Jordan today, as news of the cancellation of Melrose Place spreads around the globe? [Michael/Jane's Apt] Michael is still sleeping, so Jane gives him a shake, figuring he has surgery this morning. Jane reminds him that he promised to do double-shifts at the hospital until their debts are paid, no matter how many lives it costs. Michael then explains that he's been suspended because a nurse claimed sexual harassment. Jane immediately guesses it must be the one who was yanking on his ball point pen in the hall and laughing at his stupid jokes. Michael swears he didn't do anything wrong (with a delivery even Slick Willie would have admired!), but Jane starts pummeling him in the head anyway, grabbing a nearby bed pillow. After inflicting as much damage as she could with a down-filled headrest, Jane runs out.
[MP Courtyard] Ryan runs into Jane as they both are heading to work. Ryan looks as Jane with a sideways stare, as if wondering if her heaving breasts were due to a recent pillow fight. "Good morning, Jane" he manages to squeak out. But before he can find out more, he's stopped short by a man standing in the porch area by the rusty mailboxes. It's Ryan's old man, who has arrived on the scene with suitcase in hand, here to help bolster MP's sagging Nielsen ratings. You know, he's the actor who played Roy Ralston in Dallas back in 1983. Oh, what a role! "Damn!" he says, "I wanted to surprise you Ryan." Obviously, he's a little out of practice from his days as a stealthy Green Beret. Ryan tells daddy he's late for work, but directs him towards unit 4, Amanda's place. His father says good-bye the only way a jarhead knows how, with a wink and a quick pointing of his index finger, his fist closed up in the shape of a gun.
[Amanda/Kyle's Apt] Amanda's in the kitchen when Kyle meanders in. There's a nervousness in the air. "Can I make you breakfast?" she ask. "I thought I was the cook around here," Kyle replies. Amanda stutters, "Oh, of course. Well, okay, you can make it." "No, I'm not hungry" he answers back. Luckily for both them and us viewers, they're interrupted by a knocking at the front door. When Amanda opens it, the elder McBride walks past her and into the apt, saying, "Well, you're not too hard to look at," his overstating the obvious proving he's a genuine McBride. Still, Amanda doesn't get it and asks, "Who the hell are you?" Kyle yells, "Pop!" and the two marines hug. Mack McBride is his name, which is worse than when a person has two first names. Mack mentions he saw Ryan running to work to "jump through hoops for his boss," causing Amanda to admit she's the one he's jumping through hoops for. Mack is impressed, but when Amanda explains she knows her way around the boardroom, Mack asks, "What about the bedroom? You got a bun in the oven yet?" Kyle immediately gives Mack a loving punch in the arm saying, "Pop, I'm the cook around here!" Mac, wanting to freshen up, turns to Kyle and asks, "Now, show me your head." (Which, BTW, is the same thing Amanda says to Kyle every time they try making a baby.) Kyle is so excited to have his #1 fan visit the show.
[Peter/Eve's Apt] Amanda goes to see Eve, asking for the rent check. Eve tells Amanda that since Peter had stood in line at the post office for nearly an hour, just to buy a bunch of those 'The "H" Rate Make-Up Stamps' that he was damn gonna get his money's worth... so he mailed the rent check. Amanda says this isn't a problem, then asks if she can come in, where she apologizes as best she can for encouraging Eve to hide her past from Peter.
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Megan breaks the bad news to Lexi that she told Ryan about the dating game. Lexi is upset, figuring Ryan probably blabbed it around Amanda's office like a little school girl. Megan defends her actions, saying she had to explain the 800 number, the constant parade of men leaving her place dragging their tongues, and so on. Which leads Megan to her next topic, i.e., bachelor #3, a Mr. Gary Johnson. Megan hands Lexi a glossy 8x10 of the guy, whose headshot looks like it was torn from a Cosmo mag. Of course, every guy has photos like these of himself sitting in his sock drawer, for occasions just like this. He's into import/export, drugs, pharmaceuticals. Megan says, "You're going to have to date this one yourself, because Ryan told me I can't go out with strange men anymore." Megan suggests that Lexi and her Drugstore Cowboy double-date with her and Ryan. Lexi accepts the offer. Then Megan, after having just made her speech about not dating strange men, says in her next breath, "You know what? I just remembered. I have dinner with Ryan's father tonight." Huh?
[Wilshire Memorial] Jane pays Nurse Audrey a visit, who just happens to be standing in her Mrs. Robinson pose, giving us a good view of her legs and making me want to belt out a verse of "Short Shorts." Jane confronts Ms. Williams about the accusations she's brought against Michael. The nurse is adamant being coerced into sexual favors, saying all she hoped for was to get a better position. Jane tries to prove Audrey a liar by citing the fact that in all Michael's affairs, not once did he have to exchange a favor for sex. When Jane suggests it's Audrey who is lying, Audrey proves her point by saying, "Michael actually likes to start with a foot massage. But he'll actually lick my toes if we're in the bath." Jane suddenly realizes why she's been finding more toe jam with the used dental floss in their bathroom trash can lately, causing her to cringe. "Stop! That's enough!" Jane cries, before running out the door (this method of exiting a room has become her new signature move.)
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Kyle and Amanda and Mack are already sitting at the table, when Ryan and Megan arrive. Ryan introduces Mack to Megan, and Mack comments, "She doesn't look like a librarian," Ryan, employing the Shakespearean method of an aside, explains to us that what Mack meant by that remark was that real men don't read books. Then again, maybe Ryan just likes to talk to himself. In any case, Ryan isn't the fondest of his daddy, and the two of them immediately engage in a war of words. Ryan stands up and tries to run out, but when Amanda suggests they start over, Ryan sits back down. Then they start over, flinging insults dressed as compliments back and forth. Megan, unable to take this anymore, tells Mack his statements are "a little patronizing." Mack replies, "That's one of those librarian words," followed by a chuckle. This causes Megan to tell Mack how much of a real man Ryan is, and how he shouldn't spend all his energy tearing Ryan down like he's been doing Ryan and Megan walk out. Amanda tells Mack that Megan was right about one thing, that Mack makes Ryan feel like a failure, just because he's not like his pop. Mack then gives Amanda some child-rearing advice, saying "When raising boys, you gotta toughen them up." Amanda tries to keep the conversation going, by quoting lines from old "Kung Fu" episodes, saying things like "In biz-a-ness, when pray 2 competitohs against each uddah, sometime, tey bot turn on you."
[Parking Lot] Ryan runs out to the parking lot like a little girl with Megan close behind. To show Megan that he's a real man, he unlocks the door to his car by punching in the driver's side window. You can almost hear him say, "Real men don't need a key." Ryan starts crying to Megan about how no one in the family was ever proud that he was the first one in their family to go to college. Megan comforts Ryan, telling him he's not alone.
[MP Courtyard] Michael arrives home and finds that the deadbolt lock has been changed. He yells for Jane to open the door, which she does. But only to toss Michael's belongings out onto the patio. Jane's stronger than she looks, and she proves this by shot putting a 28" pullman right into Mikey's chest. It's behavior like this that causes innocent men to seek concubines.
[AWA] Ryan shows up the next day with his hand still wrapped in the feminine napkin that Megan grabbed from her purse to help stop the bleeding, after Ryan had displayed his manliness to her the night before, causing Amanda to gasp, "What happened to your hand?" Ryan tells Amanda that he has to get away for a few days, so he's moved the Faceworks meeting in NY back. Amanda reminds Ryan that it's Kyle's birthday tomorrow night, and that Mack wants to throw a surprise party for him, causing Ryan's eyebrows to raise in a way we haven't seen since Billy moved from the building. With the McBride family, the motto's always been "Me! Me! Me!" and in this case it's no different. All Ryan can do is talk about how he's not loved, causing him to overlook the fact that Kyle has been going through a real hard time, drinking a lot, like last night for example. Ryan admits he didn't notice. When Amanda insists that Ryan come to the party, Ryan tries to put her in her place, saying "Listen Amanda, you're not dealing with the Brady Bunch here, OK? I mean, Kyle gets everything. It's always, "Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!" What about Jan?" Ryan continues by giving Amanda a warning. "My father is mean and vindictive when he's drinking, and Kyle's headed down that same road." Amanda begs Ryan to come to the party and Ryan finally agrees.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael is informed by the board of directors that the hospital has decided not to indemnify him in this sexual lawsuit. "It's not like you're the prez or anything," the hospital bigwig quips. Michael is aghast, reminding them that he's already been suspended from his hospital duties. The board member reminds Michael of the sexual harassment seminar and tells Michael to either resign or be fired. Michael pleads with the man, saying "Sir, I have given 7 years of my life to this hospital, and now you're dumping me, without even hearing my side of the story!" (Hmm, this sounds eerily familiar to the plea from the producers of MP to Fox, after getting canceled for next season... with probably the same effect!) Michael storms out as if mimicking Jane, and Peter runs after him. Michael says that at least he's still Treasurer of the Children's Foundation, but that's what Peter wants to talk to him about, saying that Michael must give up that position too. Michael thinks fast, saying he's recently been kicked out of his apt and doesn't know where the books are. Peter yells, "Have those books on my desk by morning, along with your resignation!" Of course, nurse Amy and the rest of the busy bodies in the hall witness this, so Michael turns and starts into a speech about the little man fighting against big brother. Michael starts by asking Amy if she wants somebody breathing down her back to which she replies, "No, not me." Then Michael turns to what appears to be a first year resident and says, "And you, do want somebody telling you how to think?" Unfortunately for Michael, by the blank look on the pimple-ridden face of this dweeb, the answer is probably an emphatic "YES!" In a moment of American patriotism, Michael states that part of our unalienable rights as red-blooded American males is to be able to undress a woman with our eyes without the wrath
[State Bar] It's Valentine's Day (another case of accelerated time in the world of MP) and Lexi is finally on her date with Gary Johnson, doubling with Megan and Ryan. The 2 couples head to the dance floor, where Megan proceeds to take Gary's hand and place it on her Johnson. Gary is flabbergasted, and he steps away from Lexi, telling her to get a different buffoon for her tomfoolery. Ryan, after watching Lexi's date run off red-faced, gives the viewers some McBride insight, whose comments are apparently written to help comatose patients who tune in every week, by saying, "I think she blew it." Megan runs out after Gary to find out what went wrong, so Lexi grabs Ryan and the 2 of them slow dance. Ryan tries to boost Lexi's confidence, telling her that she'll find the right stud soon enough. I can't help but feel like I'm watching a 90's version rehash of Miami Vice, with a female version (Beat Outlaws) of "In the Air Tonight" playing in the background. Megan returns, and exclaims, "Oh my God! What were you thinking?" Whether she's referring to Lexi's ass-grabbing incident, or the fact that Lexi has been rubbing her hot bod against Ryan for the past 2 minutes is anybody's guess.
[Upstairs, Dressing Room] Eve informs Peter that she's going to accompany the band Sharp Objects on their next road trip to S.F., which leaves right after Kyle's birthday party. She tells Peter not to worry about her parole officer, but I would think it's a parole violation to be traveling with a group of junkies who support their habits by playing in bars, led by a guy named Doctor Rikki G.
[Upstairs] Kyle and Mack are sitting at the bar engaging in the only father-son activity they know, when Peter walks by. Introductions are made, and Mack is surprised that Kyle and Peter are still friends, considering that Peter was once married to Amanda. Kyle explains that now Peter is his best friend, doctor, and the husband of Kyle's lead singer. Mack shakes his head and says, "You people are too damn close!" "Oh yeah," Peter replies, "If you think we're bad, you should see how intertwined the dweebs a couple of zip codes from us are!" Mack leaves after pounding down his drink. Peter confronts Kyle about giving Eve the OK to go on the road trip with the less than sharp band members. Peter tells Kyle he's not exactly the right type to be deciding what Eve can handle, considering he can't even decide whether to be an alcoholic or a pill-popping junkie. Kyle tells Peter that office hours are over, then chugs down another brewsky. Which is perfectly harmless, beer being the #1 drink at frats for years. And who ever heard of someone dying at one of those sorts of parties, right?
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Lexi stops by Megan's office to talk shop. Which begs the question, what does Sterling/Conway do again? Oh yeah, they're now in the advertising business. Duh. In that case, let me correct myself, because Lexi didn't drop by to discuss advertising, she wants to talk about men. Megan quits her job as Jim Lange (despite her talent at blowing kisses), telling Lexi to be the own host of her Dating Game.
[Amanda and Kyle's Dream House Location] Kyle shows his pop the part of the house frame where the garage is going to go. "Oh, a garage," says Mack, as if such an amenity is rare for a house in L.A., a place where cars are treated better than spouses. Kyle confides in his old man, telling Big Mack that he's a Fish Fillet without tartar sauce. "What? You mean, you're sterile?" Mack asks, in disbelief. When Kyle tells Mack that he and Amanda will just have to adopt, Mack grits his teeth and says, "C'mon Kyle, that's not your own kid. That's just someone else's mistake." Then, in a weird moment, Mack falls out of character and recommends that Kyle tell Amanda the truth about the situation. Of course, the way he does it is by saying to Kyle, "You're scared. You're afraid that if Amanda finds out you're half a man, she'll dump you. You have to tell her, or you're not a man at all." Kyle knows his pop is right, that he should tell her the truth, despite knowing all the good that can come from harboring a secret.
[Peter/Eve's Apt] Peter tells Eve he'll go to Kyle's party. Peter reminds Eve of the Foundation dinner tomorrow night, but Eve tells him she's got to go to S.F. with the band, despite how important the dinner is to Peter. Eve detects a guilt trip in the works, but Peter claims he just didn't want the honeymoon to be over so quickly. When Eve realizes her husband's simply horny, she pulls him close and gives him a minute of her time.
[MP Courtyard] Amanda is sitting by the pool, waiting for Kyle to come home, which he does a few seconds later. Of course, he's been drinking again, but through the slurs he tries to tell Amanda about his "problem." Only he gets interrupted when his father leans his body over the iron-wrought railing and tells the two of them to hurry on up to the apt.
[Amanda/Kyle's Apt] SURPRISE! Everyone yells as Kyle enters the apt, bringing a smile to the birthday boy's face. Mack whips out a photo of the 2 McBride boys when Kyle turned 8 yrs old. Everyone laughs when Kyle points out Ryan wearing a cowboy hat. Ryan quips, "Yeah, that was Kyle's. He let me wear it until dad made me give it back." With that, Ryan puts on his pout, and the Eve Plumb of the complex runs off to the kitchen. Michael and Jane are there, but aren't talking. Peter and Amanda aren't talking either, until finally Amanda heads over to him to thank him for coming and then admits that they said some pretty bad things to each other, and that she "probably" deserved every shot he took. "Eve went to prison for *both* of you" Peter replies. So Amanda, taking the defensive, apologizes, saying, "I was 17, I did the best that I could. I'm sorry if I screwed up." Peter looks at her and says, "That was about the lamest "I'm sorry" that I heard since the time when I apologized to Lexi for ever doubting her." The two of them become friends again, complete with touchy-feely hugging and grabbing and laughing. In the background, Mack sees this and comments to Kyle, "I don't know what kind of bull they've been feeding you, but something's going on between those two." Then he adds, "You'll have a kid all right, but don't expect it to look like a McBride." When Amanda comes over to give her beau a squeeze, Big Mack, who's had a little too much secret sauce, says, "God made my boy, then broke the mold." Amanda, slightly confused, asks Kyle what that meant. Kyle answers, "He's had a little too much to drink." Amanda understands completely. After all, Mack is a McBride. She steps away as Mack says to Kyle, "You went into the Marines and came back half a man." Kyle tells pop to stop riding him, then walks out. So Mack heads over to number three son, Ryan, which is weird since Mack only had two kids, and suggests to Ryan that get married to Megan soon, and pump out a couple of grandkids for him. Amanda overhears this and tells Mack not to worry, that she and Kyle will take care of that wish for him. But Mack continues, asking Ryan if he packs a punch, or if he'll always be pop's little girl? Amanda asks Mack what his problem is, but Ryan answers for him saying, "Don't worry, Amanda. His problem is leaving." With that, #3 heads out the door and down the stairs, where he runs into #1 pacing back and forth. Marsha says to Jan, "I can't take any more of dad's bull tonight. I'm man as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." Jan replies, "You can't take it anymore, I'm the one he's always dishing it out to." Seconds later, the two siblings are arguing with each other again. "It's me!" "No, it's me!" "No, me!" "Uh-uh! I'm the one..." By the sound of it, you'd think the two McBrides were arguing over who gets the most attention from pop, but no, this time they're arguing over who gets the most sh!t. But, since it's Kyle's special day, Ryan offers his body as a birthday gift, letting the older brother pound him like a punching bag. The two of them fall into the pool. They separate and Ryan wishes Kyle a happy birthday, with the action so intense that it was deemed worthy of the wailing guitar riff accompaniment.
[Peter/Eve's Apt] On behalf of Eve, Amanda stops by in the morning to check in on Peter, to make sure he's comfortable with Eve traveling with the band. Peter lets out a big "Phhh!" meaning things are great. He's more interested in what happened last night, saying "I turned around, I looked, and all the McBrides were heading for the door." Amanda explains that she thinks it's tradition. Then the phone rings. It's Eve, who's just checking in on Peter to make sure he's comfortable with her traveling with the band. Is it me, or are the writers economizing on the script again? Anyway, Eve tells them she loves them. Peter tells her he loves her back, while Amanda, instead of wishing Eve luck by saying "Break a leg," says "Knock 'em dead" instead. Is this an omen, or what? Will Eve be one of the unfortunates who gets killed off in the big season/show ending finale? Oh, the suspense.
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Lexi, having decided to find Mr. Right on her own, has Dilbert, no, make that Wally, sitting at her desk in front of her computer. "Now you're sure you transferred all the data from Megan's hard drive to mine?" Lexi asks. Wally answers, "Not only the data, but the application which processes the data." Of course, what good the data would've been without the software to analyze it is beyond the scope of this audience. Wally continues, "All you have to do, is press Enter." Lexi hits the key, letting her G3 PowerBook do the work. Milliseconds later, the results are displayed. "Hmm. Ryan McBride" says Wally. "Gee, Megan told me to delete this guy. He's popped up (read, strong erection) a couple of times." Megan starts to salivate.
[AWA] Michael pretends to be a delivery boy with Valentine balloons in order to see Jane, asking her to stand by him in court. She needed a goo laugh.
[Children's Foundation Dinner] The banquet has wound down, and Peter breathes a sigh of relief. He mentions to Amanda that can't believe how bad the food and speakers were, and how the only ones who had a good time were those who got wasted, like Mr. Kester, who is being helped out of the hall by nurse Amy and nurse Dena. Amy asks if Peter could help out by going to the front desk and getting the key's to room 719, where Mr. Kester is staying. So while nurse Amy manages to keep Kester off his keister, Peter and Amanda head to the front desk where they retrieve the keys per Amy's request. At the same time, Lexi, who has just wrapped up a deal with a couple of Japanese businessmen to advertise freeze-dried sushi, despite the fact the only Japanese she knows is from what she's seen in her VCR owner's manual, enters the same lobby, where she immediately spots Peter and Amanda in their touchy-feely cop-a-feel sort of way together, as they get the key and head up the elevator.
[Upstairs] Ryan stops by to apologize to Kyle for last night. The two brothers make up, and get all touchy-feely like Peter and Amanda earlier. Then their father walks in, wielding a six-pack and a deck of cards. Ryan tries to leave, but Kyle asks him to stay. Mack wants to play poker, so they play a hand. Then Kyle makes the unfortunate comment that he's calling Ryan's raise, saying he thinks Ryan's full of nothing. This sparks a comment from Pops McBride, who says to Kyle, "You should know." Then Mack turns to Ryan and says, "Promise to keep my name alive, because it's all up to you now." Kyle begs his father to stop the harassing, but Mack keeps chugging along, saying "You don't even have the guts to tell your wife you're shooting blanks." With that, Kyle lunges toward his pop and punches him in the face. Ryan hops up to restrain Kyle, and asks if it's true. Mack answers for him saying, "You're brother's a gelding." When Ryan hears this, all he can do is shake his head, thinking all this time that his brother was a heterosexual. Finally, Ryan suggests, "You ought to think about moving back to Boston." Oh wait, he was saying that part to Mack, not Ryan. Now I get it. Mack is from the Northeast, which explains everything (probably from East Boston).
[Hotel] Michael knocks on the door to room 312. When it opens, it's nurse Audrey, who informs him he's late. Michael apologizes, explaining he had another fight with the wife. He lunges for her and they practice their CPR.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified February 8, 1999 |
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