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Melrose Place
[MP Courtyard] Eve arrives home and finds Peter lounging in the shadows of the courtyard. She tells him she's been scared sick ever since he failed to came home the night before. Peter replies, "So, you killed someone. Hmm? Don't you know you're not supposed to lie to the man you're *supposedly* in love with?" Thinking quickly, Eve answers, "It was an accident." Whether she's referring to her lying, or the brutal killing, we'll never know, but the accident defense is still a good one to fall back on. Peter dives into a diatribe about being lied to, forgetting that it's okay to lie when it involves sex. Peter's yelling stirs Amanda from her shell, and she comes down to tell them to be quiet. Only Peter then drags her in, too, telling her he knows all about Eve's conviction and asking why she never mentioned anything, adding, "I guess it slipped your mind while you were playing matchmaker with me and Lizzy Borden." Eve mutters to Amanda, "Kyle told him.", then voices her fear that she was afraid her past might break up her relationship with Peter. He tells her she's right, that he doesn't even know her anymore. Peter laughs at the fact that of all people, Lexi was the one telling the truth this time, then he storms out. Eve cries out for him to stay, but Amanda holds her back, saying most nonchalantly, "Let him go." Eve turns to Amanda and tells her to stop giving advice, that no one wants to hear it anymore. Amanda tells Eve that it was a mutual decision not to tell Peter about the murder, but Eve disagrees and claims that Amanda strong-armed her into silence, saying "I had no choice but to go along like some idiot puppy dog!" No doubt the writers will be slapped with an animal harassment lawsuit from the SPCA for that last comment. But I guess Eve could've felt worse; she could've compared herself to Kyle! Eve tells Amanda that she never gives anyone else a choice and how she's not going to stand around and let Amanda ruin her life a second time. Eve slams the door to her apt, leaving Amanda there muttering, "Well, Amanda's got to do what Amanda's got to do."
[Upstairs] Amanda goes to the club's office, Kyle's recent home away from home away from home, where she finds Kyle wasting away on the sofa. She slams a bottle of his scotch against the wall, waking the idiot puppy dog from his sleep. "You bastard!" she screams. "Thanks to you, Peter walked out on Eve." Kyle gets up and rubs his temples, as if a magical genie will appear in the form of an intelligent reply. Instead, he says, "No, thanks to you. You stepped on your own land mine." Then he makes an exploding sound. Amanda, being the consummate civilian, asks if he's implying he wants a divorce. Kyle, still polishing his lobes, says he's too hungover to have this conversation now, but Amanda demands he answer her (reinforcing Eve's comments about Amanda always getting her way). But just as Kyle is about to reveal the whole unhappy truth, who should walk in but Dr. Rikki G pretending to be Ethan Hawke. "Whoa-oh," he says. Which is Big Apple Club-ese to mean, "Should I call the cops, or is this your idea of domestic bliss?" Kyle cuts his conversation short, asking Rikki G what he can do him for. Amanda's jaw drops, amazed that Kyle would tend to Rikki G's needs before hers. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" Kyle replies. Amanda turns and storms out in a huff and a cashmere
[Wilshire Memorial] The hospital staff has convened in the lounge where they are tortured by having to sit through one of those sexual harassment seminars. It seems that this country's latest Administration has brought with it, besides total chaos in the Telecommunications sector, the need for corporations to subject their employees to this latest drivel. "Remember," the woman conducting the seminar emphasizes, "You can thank the Administration, just don't do like them." She also warns that the hospital will not aid in the defense of a sexual lawsuit, and cites a recent example where 8 doctors playing doctor at a nearby hospital were relieved of duty. At the conclusion of her talk, Peter chimes in with, "Lady, this is crap!" "Please, bite me" says a nurse. But before any of the eager doctors can rush over to her side, the speaker says, "Dr. Burns, as chief-of-staff, you are responsible for reporting any and all misconduct." Peter pops a Bones-er: "I'm a doctor, dammit, not a spy!" With that, the meeting is dismissed. Michael runs after Peter, catching him in the hall, where he tries to confess to embezzling and losing the $100,000. Only Peter doesn't have time to listen to Michael, informing Michael that he has to go on a trip and that he wants Michael to play substitute chief-of-staff in his absence. They turn a corner and run into a new, never-seen-nor-touched-before nurse named Audrey Williams. Peter tries to keep her from falling by grabbing her arm, despite everything he just learned from the seminar moments earlier. Michael bends down to pick up some of the files they knocked out of her arms, and she does the same, causing their eyes to dot and their tee's to cross. Michael comments to Peter
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Megan informs Lexi that she's tired of dating these guys and not getting tipped by them. Megan states she feels this is the most stupid storyline on Melrose in a long time. But Lexi explains that she can't afford to date the Wong guy. Or Takahashi, for that matter. One more bad date and she'll just die. When Megan explains that what she might like Lexi may hate, Lexi says, "OK, how about a little hint. More Ryan McBride, less Peter and Coop. Find Mr. Wight and I'll take all the chances." Then Lexi adds, "Honey, I've already had two strikes, one more and I'm out for good and onto the WB network like my colleague Alyssa."
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael stops by the nurses station, where Nurse Amy proceeds to brown nose with him, which luckily, goes well with her complexion and hair color. Michael is all smiles, and as Audrey walks off, Michael can't help but watch her slink. Nurse Amy, also at the station, witnesses Michael's attention toward Audrey and says to him, "Doctor, turn your head... and help it back into your pants." Michael assures Nurse Amy that he is a happily married man, causing her eyes to almost roll out of their sockets. And just as he finishes saying this, Jane shows up. They walk away, but Jane can't help but wonder what Nurse Amy was referring to, by popping her eyes out of joint like that. Michael explains that Nurse Amy simply believes all the nonsense she hears, especially when it has the word "sex" in it. Jane then comments about the sexual harassment seminar that Amanda had all her employees attend, although it was probably more in the vein of how to be the harasser rather than the harrassee.
[Oakhurst Library] Peter sits at a microfiche machine, browsing over the articles surrounding the Eve murder incident. The librarian sees what Peter's looking at, causing her to orgasm. "The murdering cheerleaders! Cleary a case of rich girl poor girl! It'd make a great flick." Peter says he already knows that part, but wants to know more. So the librarian tells him practically everything but her bra size, saying how her older brother was in the same grade as the girls and the dead jock, that the victim was a real stud, a football star, from the richest family in town, and how the family owned everything, including the biggest house in town. But, when Peter asks for the address to that house, she closes up tighter than a rocky mountain oyster and says, "I can't tell you *that* kind of information" and tells Peter he has to leave within 2 minutes.
[Megan's Apt] Ryan, entering the courtyard from the side gate, wearing the most black grease on his face since Jake Hanson was on the show, watches as Megan arrive home with a guy who looks like he'd have a difficult time saying, "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." She takes off the leather jacket he apparently let her wear, and he kisses her goodnight and leaves. Ryan walks over, and asks since when does a client give her a ride back on a motorcycle and kiss her on the cheek? Megan answers, "Did you have a bad day, or something?" No Megan, Ryan wears grease on his face like this everyday. Megan quickly changes the subject by bringing up sex saying, "You wanna cum inside?" So, I figure this means a commercial break, but to my surprise, the scene continues. As Megan presses her body against his she asks, "Is that a pager, or are you just happy to see me?" When she realizes that it actually is a pager, Megan asks Ryan if she's done something to upset him. Ryan replies, "You tell me." Megan looks at him, then goes to the bathroom (by that, I mean, she walks to the bathroom) to start the shower for some steamy sex. While she's busy doing that, Ryan goes into her kitchen to pour the wine, when he notices a letter from the telephone company stating that her 800# service has been established, and her anonymity will be preserved per her request. So Ryan, wondering why she would need an 800#, grabs her phone and dials the number where he hears the following message: "Looking for the woman of your dreams? Look no more. Leave your number, I'll do the rest."
[Damarr Mansion] Peter rings the bell of the Damarr residence, where a big party is in full swing. Mrs. Damarr answers, and when she sees beautiful Peter, she starts to swoon, inviting the young stranger inside. Peter introduces himself as "Dr. Peter Burns," at which point, Mrs. Damarr jumps to the conclusion that Peter is the new doctor at the local hospital. She grabs him and insists he join the party, telling him she'll introduce him to all the important people. Amongst the guests, she points out her husband, off in the distance flirting with a server; and the sheriff, who, she mentions, can be easily bribed. Then Mrs. Damarr excuses herself to confer with some of the help. While she does so, Peter notices a big oil painting on the wall above the fireplace mantle, so he heads over to take a closer look. Mrs. Damarr rejoins him, explaining how difficult it is to get good help these days, especially since Mr. Damarr pays them with sex. (which only confirms my suspicions that the butler looked a little too effeminate.) The painting was apparently done by a boardwalk artist in Miami, maybe even the same artisan that painted that horrid portrait of Amanda that hung over the Parezi's fireplace. It's the kind of painting one has done when a loved one dies. Mrs. Damarr explains that her son was murdered by some trailer trash who wanted Kent's money. Kyle can't help but question her logic, asking why the girl would murder when all she had to do was marry, if money was at the root of the matter. Mrs. Damarr explains that the family would never have let someone like that whore marry Kent, but that they let the relationship go on because the young slut had a "hot body." (Who writes these lines, anyway?) Mrs. Damarr continues. "Like all men, Kent eventually found someone else to tickle his fancy." (I guess "fancy" is what rich people call it...). Then, Mr. Damarr appears, and asks to be introduced. His wife, Gloria says, "This is Peter Burns, the new doctor at the hospital." Mr. Damarr (Richard, but you can call him Dick) replies, "I don't think so. I was just introduced to Dr. Gynecologist a moment ago at the bar." So Peter explains that he was just passing through, and that he is actually, Dr. Slut, husband of Eve Cleary. Mrs. Damarr yells, "Get out of my house." Dick then says, "Get him out of here, sheriff." Sheriff Spencer, replies, "With Pleasure." Peter corrects him, saying he's by himself, and then says he'll see himself out. But in the next moment, as the sheriff literally throws Peter down the front steps, Peter realizes he's caught up in an upscale version of "Porky's," where the hospitality is the same, only the clothes are nicer. The sheriff tells Peter to get his ass out of town, adding, "and you tell that lying bitch of a wife of yours, if she ever shows her face in this town, she'll be sorry."
[Wilshire Memorial] Jane and Michael are strolling down the hall, Jane on her way to see Dr. Moore as a follow-up to her cancer storyline. They kiss and part, but as Jane is waiting for the elevator, she sees Nurse Audrey hand Michael some forms requiring his signature. Then Jane watches, as Michael fumbles around, and Audrey actually reaches in and whips out his... pen. Michael laughs. Jane doesn't.
[Harvest Motel] Peter gets a knock at the door. It's some guy who was also at the party last night. Magically, he knew exactly where Peter was staying. He explains that the reason he's here is because he knew Eve. Peter lets the guy in, who then pulls out his banjo and starts singing (It's funny how many stories can be told to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song): This is the story 'bout a gal named Eve Caught her high school sweetheart pawing at Amanda's sleeve She pushed him off the bleachers and he landed on his tush Which wasn't what he meant when he said, "I want some bush."
Kent Damarr, Kent No more
Well the next thing ya' know, ol' Eve's a murderer Amanda gets off clean but couldn't do the same fer her. Said Eve, "Southern Cali' is the place I ought to be," So, fifteen short years later She moves to Beverly... .....Center, that is.
Hard Rock Cafe, Upstairs Bar.
Afterward, Peter finally understood what had happened. How Kent Damarr planned on raping Amanda, and how when Eve found out, she ran over to protect her best friend's pom-poms. Since the Damarrs ran the town, no one spoke up against Kent, and Eve went to jail. The high school friend then asks a favor from Peter saying, "Tell Eve I'm sorry. She got a bum rap." But before Peter could explain to the guy that Eve is more into alternative rock, the high school friend disappears.
[MP Courtyard] Megan, dressed to bring home the bacon (?), stops by Ryan's to tell him she has to cancel their date, which means Ryan isn't going to get any yet again. Ryan is a little cold to her, his suspicions building up as much pressure as is his wad. And speaking of wads, Kyle's buddy Rikki G arrives, and tosses Ryan a brown wad, which he says is for "Kyle's eyes only."
[Harry S. Truman High School] Peter goes to the football field and wanders around. From nowhere, Eve shows up. Peter asks what she's doing here on the football field, and Eve answers, "Looking for you." Peter admits he was doing the same thing. But their tete-a-tete is interrupted when a siren rips through the night air and they see a menage-a-trois of police cars race onto the playing field. This is actually the most traffic I've seen thus far Oakhurst. The raucous prevents Peter from telling Eve what he believes happened that night up on the bleachers. Sheriff Spencer, Dick Damarrs, as well as a bevy of other Barney Fifes, all jump out of the cars and make their way toward Eve. Only Peter stops them, telling Dick that everyone in town knows Kent tried to rape Amanda, and that he shouldn't be punishing the one who paid for Kent's crimes. And regarding the sheriff, Peter tells him to back off if he wants to keep his badge. Then Peter looks at Eve and notices her pair of turkey thermometers are indicating a frost warning tonight, so Peter quickly leads her away and back to Melrose, where everyone is warm and fuzzy. Eve is just happy that Peter believes in her.
[Ryan's Apt] When Kyle gets home, Ryan confronts his older brother about the drugs. Ryan says he's there for the good and the bad, then they proceed to do some fake wrestling as Ryan manages to subdue his killing machine of a brother. Kyle tells Ryan that he doesn't need anything, meaning pills or people, and proceeds to flush the former down the toilet. Ryan, obsessed with the word "hook" and its derivatives this episode, proceeds to use it in a sentence when he makes the shocking realization that Kyle is using drugs: "God! You're hooked on the things, aren't you."
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael, substitute chief-of-staff, has the nurses convene by the nurses station for an announcement. Michael tells the group that he has decided to fill the newly vacant position of head floor nurse. Nurse Audrey, apparently well-versed as a "head" nurse at other hospitals, is beaming with confidence, assuming she'll be the one Michael fills. But to her dismay, Nurse Amy gets the promotion. All the nurses except for Audrey are happy for Amy, and to celebrate, they stand around doing nothing. Audrey storms off, but not before slapping Michael across the face. Peter, having just returned, enters just in time to witness Audrey's disappointment. "Why did Audrey slap you?" he asks Michael. Michael explains about the promotion, and Peter shakes his head saying, "I've only been gone 48 hours..." Michael replies, "And the hospital is still standing. No one died... Let me rephrase that. We didn't kill anyone." Peter tells all the nurses to resume doing nothing and he heads off to console Audrey. When he finds her, Peter says, "Audrey, I know not getting that promotion must sting, but like sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives." Audrey wipes the tears from her eyes and says, "Then Dr. Mancini shouldn't have made me that promise." When Peter asks what promise, Audrey answers, "The world. He promised me the world."
[Sterling/Conway Enterprises] Ryan stops by to talk to Lexi about Megan. He tells Lexi that he and Megan are having sexual problems, i.e., that they are having no sex at all. He goes on to explain that Megan is always out every night, and that they hardly talk anymore (as if they ever did). "I feel these are problems I shouldn't ignore." As you can see, he's the more perceptive of the Cro-McBride man. The Ryan uses "hook" in a sentence again, saying "I think Megan's hooking again," causing a big "Puhlease" to squirt out from Lexi's lips.
[MP Courtyard] As Peter arrives home, Michael tries to pass by unnoticed. But Peter sees him and asks Michael to tell him the truth. Michael, thinking Peter is referring to the $100,000, almost spills his guts until Peter mentions Audrey's name, asking Michael if he had made the new nurse any promises. Peter is afraid the hospital is going to get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit, especially since Audrey had inferred that there were more than words exchanged. Peter warns Michael that if Michael gets put on the watch list, that Peter won't be able to protect him. Michael leaves and Peter tries to enter his apt again, only he's interrupted again, this time by Amanda. Amanda wants to know why everyone's dumping on her all of a sudden, so Peter suggests that maybe it's because she deserves it. Amanda's mouth drops a la Billy, while Peter scolds Amanda, telling the prissy apt owner that the only reason she's done anything for Eve all these years is out of guilt. He asks her how she feels about that, then finally makes it into his pad.
[Kyle and Amanda's Dream House Location] Kyle, who isn't drunk or wigged-out on drugs for the first time this episode and can finally get behind the wheel. Where does he go? Why to his unfinished house of course. He enters through part of the framework, when from nowhere, Amanda appears. Just like the scene at the Harry S. Truman High School between Peter and Eve earlier in this episode, it's almost like deja vu, only the people are different and the words aren't the same. Amanda apologizes for everything, saying she loves Kyle and wants him to come home. They hug.
[Peter and Eve's Apt] It's early in the morning and Peter is sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, while Eve sleeps. She wakes up and goes to hug her husband. Peter seems to have been deep in thought. "Why couldn't you tell me the truth?" he asks Eve. So Eve explains, just like Clinton didn't want to lose the love of the American people, she didn't want to lose Peter. With that, Eve's popularity rating with Peter immediately jumps another 8 points, to an all-time high.
[Megan's Apt] Ryan stops by Megan's, pacing back and forth as if his toilet is on the fritz. "Hey, look," he says, "I don't know how else to say this, so I'm going to be blunt." (i.e., he's running out of ways to use "hook" in a sentence.) "Are you hookin' again?" Megan laughs, offended that Ryan would think such a thing about her. Ryan tells her how frustrated he is, having fallen in love with her and then she turns around and stops dating him. Megan tries to segue by saying, "You love me?" But you have to wake up pretty early in the afternoon to segue one over on Ryan, so Megan explains that what she's doing is looking for Mr. Wight for Lexi, etc., etc. I dare not put you to sleep with the details. Suffice it to say, the mush between these two gets pretty thick, with Megan capping it off by telling Ryan she thinks he's perfect, except for his droopy eyes, which I realized are starting to look a lot like Sylvester Stallone's. Don't believe me? Rewind that VCR and check 'em out for yourself...
[Wilshire Memorial] The staff is having their monthly bored meeting. The topic turns to the hospital funds, and Michael is put on the spot when Peter asks him how much money there is. Michael stutters a bit, explaining that he's new at being treasurer, and that the records were a mess. All Peter wants is a ballpark figure, so Michael makes up $300,000. But before anyone can question this amount, the door bursts open and Nurse Audrey enters. She accuses Michael of luring her to sleep with him in return for the head nurse job. Of course, the line we knew would show up sooner or later, i.e., "I did not have sexual relations with this woman" comes spurting out. Still, Peter has no choice but to suspend Michael pending a full investigation.
[Upstairs] Eve sings with Sharp Objects and seems to be fine with the band now. Lexi tells Peter that he owes her an apology and Peter agrees with her. They call a truce, she smiles, and he buys her a drink. (She orders a Sex on the Beach, triggering the bartender to immediately ask for I.D., since no one over 21 ever drinks one of those.) .Everyone is happy. Peace on Earth, and all that jazz. It's as if Dr. Rikki G has been distributing chill pills to everyone, and they've been poppin' 'em like vitamin-C's.
[Amanda's Apt] Kyle and Amanda finish moving back all his crap into her apt. They debate whether to order a pizza or skip dinner, then fumble about the apt as if on a first date. As with the rest of the couples during this past hour, all ends in bliss in this cavity-inducing episode.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified January 26, 1999 |
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