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Melrose Place
[A Backyard] On this Martin Luther King Jr. Monday, the scene fades in and I am first reminded that the episode is presented in Dolby Surround sound, so I quickly turn on my sound system in order to hear the sounds of many birds chirping in the backyard of what appears to be Aaron Spelling's mansion. Michael is floating in the pool touting, while Jane basks in the 90210 sunshine while being given a manicure. Michael comments that he thinks it's time for a bigger house, so that he can have a bigger garage for all his Ferraris. At this point, despite the scene being in color rather than black-and-white, we know this must be yet another dream sequence. However, the special effects crew, which has pretty much been sitting around the backlot eating donuts this season, gives us a great effect, having a busty blonde bimbo enter saying her lines as good as Billy ever did (but who's paying attention to what she's saying anyway?), who then morphs into Nurse Amy, followed by the background changing from that of a backyard, to that of a hospital room. Michael wakes up, finding himself working an ER shift at the hospital. It seems that he had been eating Thai food for dinner, and that the MSG must've given him the nightmare. Nurse Amy reminds Michael that he owes her 10 bucks for the Yuk Duck Cum she got him as takeout. Michael tries to weasel his way out of paying, but the nurse comments that $10 must be peanuts for a guy driving a Ferrari. After their discussion about money has concluded, Nurse Amy remembers that the other reason she stopped by was because Michael was needed in ER. Michael follows her into the hall, where Jane catches him. She's brought him dinner, Thai food. Michael informs her that he already ate, and even if he hadn't, it was probably a good move to stay away from eating the Thai food she brought, considering it came from a restaurant called "Lily's." I mean, how many Realree's do you know in Thailand, anyway? Jane comments that Michael looks terrible and says, "Try to get some sleep." "Yeah, I did, and I had a dream" Michael replies. Then he enters the elevator, and as the door closes, he starts to describe it in more detail, yelling "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
[Upstairs] Kyle returns from NY. As he cuts through Kyle's the restaurant, he has one of the bartenders toss him a bottle of scotch to help him wash down some pills as he heads upstairs to Upstairs. Kyle passes through the club to the office, past where Eve is standing and singing and Peter is sitting and watching all goo-goo-eyed. Peter gets up and enters Kyle's office, asking him how NY was. Kyle tells him that Amanda and Ryan followed him to NY and caught him with Drink and Drugs. "What?" Peter exclaims. "Amanda caught you with two women?" Peter can't believe Kyle resorted to the streets for his pills. "Merry Poppin'," Kyle snorts, then takes a swig of scotch to help the medicine go down. Peter grabs the bottle but too late. Kyle says he's doing all this to protect Amanda. Peter ask, "Protect from what?" Kyle explains he won't ruin Amanda's dream. Peter threatens to tell her if he won't, so Kyle kicks Peter out of the office. But not before Eve rushes in, asking what all the commotion is about. Kyle grabs Eve and kisses her, saying since Amanda thinks he's cheating on her, he might as well prove her right. Peter breaks them up, and adds, "You gotta lot of nerve McBride!" (You go, Pete!) Eve and Peter go. Kyle mumbles, "At least I got some left." Then, to show his manliness, he slugs a nearby bookcase, and flings a handful of books to their death.
[Streets of Bel Air] Michael is cruising the streets of Bel Air, feeling like Dylan McKay after a romp with Kelly. For some reason, maybe it's the smell of the Corinthian leather, he's playing a tape of an old Chrysler commercial, with Ricardo Montalban singing "Volaré! Whoa Whoa..." At a red light, Michael pulls up alongside another convertible, complete with two luscious occupants licking their chops at the sight of Michael and his little red car (and believe me, this is just the average looking person in L.A.! All it takes to bring them out is a $135000 Ferrari.) Unfortunately, Michael is on his way to see Perry Hutchins, so when the signal turns green the only thing he lets them eat is his dust.
[Perry's Bel Air Cottage] Michael drives to Perry's simply to tell him that he couldn't scrape up the cash for the investment opportunity. But Perry tells Michael about another investment deal, even better than the last one, and suggests that Michael do everything in his power to get the $100,000.
[MP Courtyard] Eve catches Amanda in the courtyard as she's leaving for work. Eve asks Amanda if she's okay, after what happened in NY. Amanda says she's fine, that she married the best man in the world and he cheated on her. Amanda adds how Kyle is always drunk too. "You know when a person abuses alcohol, it's usually for a reason." Eve states, having become a sudden authority on the reasons for alcoholism. Amanda replies, "A reason unknown to me." I guess in the past, Amanda was too busy to notice why Alison resorted to her vodka, or when Jake started his own recycling program with all the beer cans and bottles strewn about his apt, or recently, when her ex, Peter, destroyed all the brains cells but the ones he required to still perform precise surgical incisions, or why Billy would... well, Billy was Billy, what can I say?
[Sterling/Conway/soon-to-be Lewis Enterprises] Lexi confronts Megan about the ad she placed in the Personals section of a local newspaper. Which has me totally confused than Megan on a good day, since 1) why was Lexi reading the Women Seeking Men section, when, if anything, she should've been reading the Men Seeking Women group?; 2) how did Lexi recognize the ad as being an ad for her?; why does Megan think it's such a great idea to use an 800 # for prospects to call (supposedly to retain anonymity) when all the recording from the 800# says is "Please mail all letters to Lexi Sterling, c/o Sterling/Conway Enterprises"? (I know this is digressing, but does the ? go before or after the quote mark on that last question?) Lexi orders Megan to cancel the ad, causing Megan to frown, considering she hasn't worked this hard since she got her job at Sterling-Conway. But when they discover the plethora of mail sitting on Megan's desk, full of juicy letters and even juicier photographs (puhleaze, the first one's from some guy in the Valley, who's posing like one of those guys in the monthly "Bachelor of the Month" column.) When Lexi sees the photos of these available wanton hardbodies, she agrees to let Megan continue. "But," Lexi adds, "you breathe a word of this to anyone and you're fired."
[Upstairs] Eve finds Kyle sleeping in his office. Once, the hottest most desirable place for no-holds-barred sex, the office has now become passé for everyone other than the Slick Willie, and remarkably, the bedroom has returned as the Melrosian favorite for doing the nasty. Eve tells Kyle that she owes him, for giving her a job as well as keeping her past a secret, and that she wants to help him in his time of need. Kyle swears that he didn't have sexual relations with those 2 women in NYC. Eve believes him, then tells him to clean up, sober up, and she'll arrange to have Amanda meet him after hours at the club tomorrow night.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael calls The White Shadow to ask for a loan, obviously figuring he must've done some side-betting on the high school basketball games and made some cool cash all those years. But Jane's daddy slam dunks the receiver on Michael when Michael says he needs 100 grand. Peter, standing behind Michael and hearing what Michael is up to, tells Michael the first rule of marriage is "Do not call the father-in-law asking for a loan" rather than "Thou shalt not commit adultery," which may explain why the divorce rate is so high in this country. Michael starts his incessant whining about not having enough money, causing Nurse Amy to chime in, "Be thankful for what you have. Just look at all the children Dr. Burns is trying to help with the Children's Foundation... We've already raised over a million dollars." Sounds like Peter's become the Bill Gates of Wilshire Memorial. Nurse Amy then becomes a walking talking cliché, spewing out phrases like, "Charity begins at home," "Don't live beyond your means," and the classic, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him crap." Peter is fed up with Michael's complaining (but not as we viewers are of all these ridiculous storylines) so he tells Michael rob, cheat, or steal, anything to stop the complaining. Peter and Nurse Amy leave, when Michael suddenly begins to "think different," and he immediately strolls over to the hospital's iMac computer. He then devises the scheme to "borrow" the hospital's funds for a week, transferring $100,000 from the Children's Fund into his personal account. "Thank God for built-in Ethernet" Michael thinks to himself.
[AWA] Eve drops by Amanda's office to try to get her to meet with Kyle after the club closes. Then Eve has Amanda sing a Barney tune: "I love him, he loves me, let's get down a start a family..." Just then, Ryan walks past, and hearing the joyous festivities, pops in hoping he could join the chorus. Only Amanda is sick of hearing all about Kyle, and she kicks both of them out of her office.
[Wilshire Memorial] Perry drops by to get the money from Michael, promising Michael that he'll have the funds wired to his friend in NY by end of business today. Then Perry gives Michael one of those Italian cheek pinches, making Michael feel confident that Perry is on the up-and-up.
[Sterling/Conway/Soon-to-be Lewis Enterprises] Ryan stops by the competition's headquarters, but only to see if his horizontal play toy would like to go to lunch. When he arrives at the Megan's open office door, he overhears her setting up a reservation for a hotel suite, which she says she'll only need for a couple of hours a day, and that she'd like to set up an account and have the bills sent to her P.O. Box. This is enough to cause Ryan's eyebrows to move. When Megan swings around in her chair and notices Ryan standing there, she tells the hotel she'll have to call them back. Megan tells Ryan Lexi has her really busy, and Ryan asks whether she's going on a trip, considering he heard her making by-the-hour hotel reservations. Megan tells Ryan that Lexi would kill her if she told him any details, but has to forego lunch for work. On his way out, Ryan runs into Lexi, and he voices his displeasure at how much time Megan is devoting to her "big project." When Lexi hears the assignment she gave Megan described like that, she tries to misdirect Ryan by telling him he must be mistaken; that Megan is simply working on her normal set of client accounts.
[Amanda's Apt] Amanda arrives home and listens to a message left by Kyle, in which he apologizes and tells Amanda how much he misses her. He adds that Eve mentioned that Amanda might stop by the club later tonight, and how he hopes she does. He sounds so sweet and sincere that it brings crow's-feet to Amanda's eyes.
[MP Laundry Room] Jane and Michael do laundry while complaining about it, when Michael tells her that he's invested in a sure thing. Jane let's out another "Oh God," partly because of Michael's news and partly because she realized they ran out of detergent. As she leaves, Ryan enters and immediately starts whining to Michael. Ryan sarcastically describes his exciting evenings of late, doing laundry, watching TV, and going to sleep early... alone. Then Ryan asks Michael if it ever bothered him that Megan was a ho'. Michael answers, "Oh, you mean a professional woman? Nah." Next, Ryan asks if Michael thinks Megan would ever go back into that business. Michael replies, "Keep your wallet in your pants, Ryan. You're her boyfriend. Besides, she's a changed woman and would never do that again."
[Upstairs] Amanda stops by the club and finds Kyle tickling the ivory (and I'm not referring to the new waitress!) Amanda comments that she never knew Kyle could play the piano. Amanda wants to talk, but their conversation soon turns bitter, especially when Amanda comments on him being drunk again. Finally, Kyle blurts out that he just can't take all this "baby crap" anymore. Usually, this is something the man says *after* the baby's born, and he's standing over the infant, having just gone through the 100th box of Pampers and countless baby wipes! Kyle tells Amanda he doesn't like wearing a leash anymore. She says that's just fine, but that she wants him out of her doghouse and out of her life. Amanda leaves as Kyle pounds the piano, in place of the normal wailing guitar.
[Amanda's Apt] Amanda calls Ryan over to pick up Kyle's things. Luckily for Ryan, most of the things are still in his apt. Amanda tells him all about last night. Ryan winces.
[Perry's Bel Air Cottage] Michael stops by to see Perry, but what he finds instead are a bunch of people wearing waist belts (note the realism), moving all the furniture and plants out. One guy comments that the house was used for a movie a couple weeks ago, and now they're simply breaking the sets down. So Michael tries to call Perry, but gets a recorded message stating that the cellular number is no longer in service. Michael rips his sunglasses from his face, beginning to feel the "sting" setting in.
[Sterling/Conway/soon-to-be Lewis Enterprises] Megan tells Lexi that through the magic of computers, she'll be able to narrow the list of big boys down to 5 hopefuls. Lexi then informs Megan that she must date them first, sort of the way kings and queens would have a servant taste test their food to ensure it wasn't poisoned. Megan agrees to have one drink per candidate, even though Lexi's suggestion is to have them drink a lot, then to follow them into the men's room for a little peek. Lexi leaves Megan, who then processes the data on her PowerBook. And due to the power of the G3 chip, within milliseconds she is presented with the results, which cause her to gasp. It turns out that the compute has chosen Ryan as most compatible for Lexi! Okay, so the Mac isn't perfect. Of course, why Megan would input Ryan's test questionnaire into the computer can only be chalked up to another one of those Melrose mysteries. And I'm surprised the questionnaire didn't have a lot of blanks, considering Ryan, if I remember correctly, even needed Megan's assistance with the first question asking whether he was gay.
[Upstairs] The NY group Sharp Objects arrive, albeit a day early. And from looking at the band members, they're a walking oxymoron if there ever was one. Eve and her band are rehearsing at the time, looking like the Partridge family when standing next to these New Yorkers. Kyle asks if they can start tonight, and Rikki G. says it's not a problem... oh, except for the fact they still don't have a lead singer. So Rikki G. suggests having Eve sing, which is good enough for Kyle, so he dismisses Eve's band and orders her to work with Sharp Objects tonight.
[Hollywood Police Station] Michael goes through the mug files and finds Perry's photo amongst the other usual suspects, all of which look like head shots similar to photos sent in reply to Megan's personal ad. Only the names are plain, like Roy Burrows rather than sexy names like Jean Luc (Candidate #3 in Megan's list). The detective explains that this guy has been wanted for years, and that his M.O. is to hit on rich doctors, hooking them into investment scams, and he gets close to the doctor by feigning a heart ailment through the use of excessive decongestants. "We've been after him for years." Obviously, they've been trying real hard, considering Hutchins goes from hospital to hospital, pulling the same scam verbatim, yet they fail to even mention this to any of the medical centers in the area. When the cop walks Michael out to his car, they see it's being towed away. "Repossessed," says another officer. The detective laughs, "I see he's still using the red Ferrari trick, huh?" "To Serve, and Protect" is their motto, so the detective offers Michael a ride back to his apt.
[Upstairs] Eve tries singing with the band Sharp Objects, but by the look on her face, she's obviously perturbed by them. It may be due to the fact that every male band member has hair which is much longer and shinier than hers. During a break, the band's manager fondles Eve, telling her she's hot. Eve is fed up and says she can't do this anymore. So Kyle threatens her, telling her if she wants to keep her job she had better get back on stage. Eve tells him he's a meanie, then storms out. Ryan, seeing the whole the whole thing, then goes over and asks "What did you say to her?" (I didn't say he heard the whole thing.) Kyle mumbles something about women's secrets and loyalty. Then Kyle and Ryan go to the office, where Kyle tries to POW Ryan in the face. But Ryan, an MBA, evades the MFC, informing him he's MIA at Amanda's, but that it's no BFD to stay at his place. Then the MBA tosses the MFC a set of keys and asks what's his ETA. The MBA leaves to get some KFC, since Megan's not around to give him any TLC.
[Jane and Michael's Apt] Michael arrives home and tries to tell Jane about the scam. Only Jane proves that she and Michael are a perfect match. She shows she can be as dumb and irrational has he is, showing him that she just went out and bought 2 Rolex watches. "No more cheap watches!"
[Office of National Drug Control Policy Commercial] It's the commercial of the girl in the kitchen, trying to show what happens when you use drugs by smashing everything in the room. Anyway, it comes on, and I realize this seems like what I've been watching for the past 45 minutes tonight, only she's much more entertaining than Kyle...
[Ryan's Apt] Amanda knocks on Ryan's door the next morning, don't ask me why, but is surprised when Kyle greets her. She asks Kyle what he's doing there, apparently forgetting that she kicked him out the night before. Again, their conversation turns bitter and she walks off after getting in the last word.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael volunteers to be treasurer of the Children's Foundation. Peter is impressed. Michael suggests that he go to Peter's office and download all the accounting files from Peter's iMac, but Peter informs Michael that the hospital auditor is coming by to finish the quarterly closing. Michael gasps, saying since he is the new treasurer, to please hold off until the files are on his computer. Peter is impressed.
[Restaurant/Club] Ryan is at the bar, holding a meeting with a client. How you might ask, considering there's a rap band on stage, their cacophony blaring through the loudspeakers. The client is impressed with Ryan, and is sold on using the agency. Just then, Ryan looks over and spots Megan being seated with some male stranger. Ryan can't help but stare at her as the client says, "So I'll pop by the office tomorrow, isit? Kick 'round some ideas." When the client notices Ryan's fixation, he asks, "Ryan, did yer 'ear me accent, then, eh, guv?" Ryan apologizes, then asks if it's okay if he says hello to an old friend. The client answers, "I got ter make a piss put the mockers on any road. I'll spot yer outside." Meanwhile, candidate #5 is telling Megan about himself. All the usual hogwash about how he plays any kind of competitive sport, but sometimes he likes to just take the afternoon to go check out a cool new art show or museum exhibit. Before he can get any further though, Megan lets him know that she's simply the warm-up date, and explains how the woman she works for has had a lot of disappointment lately. This guy doesn't like rap music though, and asks if they can go somewhere else. Megan laughs, saying as long as it's not back to his place. They agree to go to The Ivy, and Megan says she'll be right back, that she has to get some change for the valet. The candidate tells her it's on him, and he whips out his wallet hand hands her a couple dollar bills. Ryan, seeing this from his vantage point at the bar, jumps to the conclusion that Megan has resorted back to her old ways. He looks down at the counter top in shame, unable to believe her rates are so cheap! Megan and the candidate leave together.
[AWA] Eve stops by to tell Amanda that she's taking a couple of days off. Amanda is crying, saying that her marriage is over. Amanda admits it's her fault, that she first destroys the man, then she destroys the marriage. As proof, she cites Peter as an example, not to mention how she left Billy reeling many seasons ago. She whimpers, "What will I do without Kyle?" It could be worse. She could be poor, too.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Peter is at the bar picking up his takeout order when Kyle comes up behind him, asking him where Eve is. Kyle says she called in sick but he knows it's something else is going on. Peter says if Eve said she was sick, then she's sick. Kyle gets upset, saying he gave her the chance to play with his band and she blew it, so Peter suggests that maybe she just doesn't want to be around him. Kyle quips, "Don't believe everything the songbird tells you, or should I say, jailbird?" Of course, Peter demands to know what Kyle is rambling about, threatening to tell Amanda about Kyle's impotence. So Kyle spills the beans, telling Peter all about the murder, Eve's 15 years in prison, and how Amanda would've been her cell mate had it not been for her high-priced lawyers. Peter asks Kyle when he heard all this. Kyle tells Peter it was on the his wedding to Eve. Kyle laughs, "They begged me to promise to keep it a secret. But promises are made to be broken, just like marriages. Right Pete?" Peter just stands there, finally realizing why everyone was so late to the wedding.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified January 19, 1999 |
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