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Melrose Place
[AWA] Jane is shooting the Schlitz with Amanda, talking about having her divorce annulled, about marriage, baby making, etc. Amanda tells Jane that she thinks Kyle is stressed because he hasn't gotten her impregnated yet. Jane says, "I know of a fertility expert at Wilshire Memorial that I met after having my miscarriage. You know, Amanda, having octuplets is all the rage these days." Amanda thinks about it briefly, then passes. Then they're interrupted when Lexi storms in. It seems she's upset about the latest article in some rag called "The L.A. Guide" which featured an article on their charity foundation. Lexi is upset because Amanda's name is mentioned 9 times, and Eve even got her photo on page one, but there's absolutely no mention of Lexi. So Lexi says she's going to take her money out and form her own "damn foundation." With that, she exits in the exact same fashion as she had entered. Amanda then admits to Jane that AWA handles the paper's advertising and that she made sure the reporter didn't mention Lexi at all. They giggle.
[Upstairs] Eve is busy singing on stage while Ryan discusses the club's finances with Kyle, who seems more interested in his empty tumbler. Ryan tells Kyle that the club just isn't making ends meet, and that Kyle can't continue to hire these big name groups like Hanson, or the world renown Eve Cleary, and have them play for 30 seconds an episode. Ryan suggests that Kyle go to New York where he can find the "hottest" bands willing to play for peanuts. Kyle considers Ryan's advice but is still skeptical, wondering how many peanuts he'll have to buy. Peter catches Kyle popping pills with his scotch and gives him a "Tsh! Tsh!" and a shake of his finger. Eve finishes her set and hops off the stage into Peter's arms, asking how she was. Peter says, "Great, as always," but Kyle answers, "Okay, for what it was." Then he adds he only wishes she could bring in a larger crowd. Peter wonders what's going on between her and Kyle, so Eve asks, jokingly, "Like what? An affair?" Peter says, "More like a conspiracy." Eve hates when Peter uses big words and says, "Just say what you mean." So Peter breaks it down for her, saying, "Hairy guy. Sell Xmas tree. Kyle beat to pulp." Eve recounts how the guy tried to pick her up and that Kyle got upset and pummeled the dude.
[Upstairs Office] Eve confronts Kyle about his attitude, saying Peter is becoming suspicious. Kyle slobbers and stammers something. I guess in order to show what a great actor you are, you have to have your turn at being the out-of-control alcoholic. (Hey, see what it did for Alison? I rest my case.) When Eve tells Kyle his excessive drinking frightens her, Kyle remarks how she killed the last guy who drank too much. Then the phone rings and the answering machine picks up. It's Amanda, who starts talking about baby-making again. Kyle orders Eve out, then grabs the answering machine and smashes it against the wall.
[Megan's Apt] Ryan is in the bathroom looking for his toothbrush, despite it being Megan's place. She comments his ditziness must be due to all the sex they had last night going to his "head." How graphic can they get these days? Ryan talks about Kyle, saying "He's hitting the scotch pretty hard, he's pulling out, I've seen him do this before." Obviously, he's explaining why Kyle hasn't gotten Amanda pregnant yet. Ryan says every time he says something to Kyle, it only gets worse, so Megan asks if she should say something. Ryan shakes his head no, then gives us a profound McBridism, "Either he'll work it out, or he won't."
[L.A. County Courthouse] Jane and Michael finally reach nirvana, after having annulled the annulment. They rejoice over no divorce, no settlement, no community service, and even discuss living in sin. But their sin is nothing compared to the one laid upon them when their lawyers slap them with the bill.
[Upstairs] Eve is rehearsing in the club, trying out her new technique of playing the keyboard without moving her fingers when Lexi shows up. Lexi inform Eve that she hired a PI to investigate her past. Eve tells Lexi to go ahead and dig up all the dirt she wants, because it still won't get Peter back. On cue, Peter enters and tells Lexi to get a clue, that he loves Eve and nothing will ever change that. Then Peter tells Lexi to get on with her life and leave them in peace, even if that means moving back to the WB Network and that annoying green frog.
[AWA] Michael arrives to pick up Jane for dinner, only to his surprise, Ryan is waiting there with Jane. He has set up a budget for Michael and Jane to follow, but this only infuriates Michael, who would rather eat coupons than let Jane use them.
[Amanda and Kyle's Apt] Amanda arrives home, only to find some old geezer from an adjacent apt building pounding on her door. Heavy metal is blaring from the apt. Amanda apologizes for the noise and enters, finding Kyle busy concentrating throwing playing cards into a hat. Amanda tells him she got lucky and managed to get an appointment with a fertility expert. Kyle tells her he wants to make a baby now, then tackles her. She finally realizes he's drunk, so she peels herself off of him and says she's going to bed. But the marine launches a second strike, grabbing Amanda in the kitchen and tries to nail her with his Patriot missile. Amanda, however, successfully defends her position, throwing the scotched-McBride to the floor saying, "This is ugly."
[Sterling-Conway Enterprises] Lexi summons Megan to her office to tell her her New Year's Resolution. Lexi states, "I hereby swear, never to spend another holiday alone." Lexi tells Megan that since Megan's been such a great headhunter for the firm, she has decided to have Megan find her the perfect man. Megan wonders how she can do that and still manage her numerous accounts, but Lexi informs her that all her accounts have been redistributed to other, never-seen employees so that Megan can concentrate on this endeavor full time. And the pressure is really on, too, since Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is just around the corner. Lexi promises Megan that if she's successful, she'll have her own sign over the door, adding, "How does Sterling-Conway-Lewis sound?" Probably sounds terrible to Conway... Megan accepts the job.
[AWA] Amanda asks Ryan if he has seen Kyle lately, because he was gone when she woke up this morning and missed the egg doctor appointment, too. Ryan shrugs his shoulders, offering the stuck-in-traffic excuse as a possibility. Then Ryan asks, "Hey, has Kyle been acting kinda weird lately?" Which is difficult to tell, considering it's hard to get past his *bad* acting. Amanda tells Ryan that he'll have to go to the Faceworks presentation in NY without her because the egg doctor may have another opening on Thursday.
[NYC] The scene starts out with a couple stock shots of the Big Apple, including a shot of a busy intersection, complete with an old lady hobbling in the crosswalk in search of a calcium mine. Kyle's sitting at some bar. If you took a photo of Damon Wayans and looked at the film negative, this is exactly what the bartender looks like that approaches. Kyle introduces himself, saying he's scouting for new band talent. Damon's negative tells Kyle to talk to Rikki G., the manager of Sharp Objects. Then Kyle uses his cell phone to call Peter, asking if he'd phone in a prescription to his hotel. Peter suggests Kyle come home instead. Kyle gets pissed, then asks another favor from Peter... to remind him to switch doctors when he gets home.
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] After Peter's conversation with Kyle is over, Peter spots Michael and calls him into the office. Peter asks Michael about a $645 charge to the Palm restaurant, put on the company credit card. Michael explains that the wine was good, then asks Peter for a loan to cover his divorce expenses. Peter tells Michael to grow up.
[Upstairs] Amanda shows up, looking for Kyle. Eve tells her Kyle's in NY looking at rock bands. Amanda is so upset her sinuses clog. Eve comments that Kyle has been a little strange lately, but Amanda corrects her, saying he's been moody and out of control. Eve thinks maybe it's the fact they forced him to maintain their lie, but Amanda doesn't buy it.
[NYC] Kyle meets with Rikki G and tries to act cool, but coming across more like Johnny Bravo when he says, "Your group is awesome." Kyle explains that he wants to recharge his club in L.A., and how he feels Sharp Objects just might be the ticket. Rikki G tells Kyle to step into his office, then leads Kyle out to the alley, where a guy wearing a hard hat is busy welding. Folks in the Midwest, let me tell you, when they say this city never sleeps, they really mean it! When Rikki G finds out Kyle is staying at the St. George, he suggests Kyle invite them over later for some real rock 'n' roll business, high and sexed up. He offers Kyle some pills, but Kyle refrains.
[Wilshire Memorial] Nurse Amy is strolling down the hall showing another nurse photos of her at the Eiffel Tower, and how she wished she had used the Kodak APS camera instead. Michael overhears them talking about her French vacation, and can't help asking how she can afford to fly to France. Nurse Amy tells Michael it's because she saves money. I guess everyone forgot about the time she invested in Michael's new medical office in Da Hood. Suddenly, a raucous breaks out down the hall, some guy yelling that he wants a real doctor, not an intern. The intern runs over, but has to settle for Michael since he can't find anyone else donning puke green. Michael sees the guy laying on a gurney, .who probably had a heart attack from screaming at everyone so much. Michael takes the paddles and zaps the guy's chest, bringing him back to life. Michael notices the guy's fancy watch, and wishes he had one. The guy, Perry Hutchins, comments that a rich Beverly Hills doctor like Michael should be able to afford one, causing Michael to laugh. Hutchins says, "I've trade my wealth for good health," to which Michael responds, "If I could do that, I would."
[St. George Hotel, NYC] Kyle's hotel room is wall-to-wall with hot babes with L'Oreal hair, and guys with even longer and shinier hair. The music's blasting, the bodies slithering on one another. Kyle breaks free and heads into the bedroom, where he calls Amanda on his Motorola StarTac. She demands to know what he's up to. He says he's checking out a band. She asks when he's coming home, so he barks "I don't know. I don't like being on a leash." Suddenly, the bedroom doors burst open and Rikki G stumbles in with a blonde and brunette sycophant. Amanda asks who those voices are, but Kyle tells her he has to go and hangs up. Rikki G plops on the bed and the two women start their sycophanting. Kyle watches and starts drooling. Rikki G asks if he wants some, but before Kyle can say "Woof," Rikki G whips something out of his pants! He hands Kyle a ZipLock baggie with some pills in it. Kyle's face becomes somewhat depressed, now understanding what Rikki G meant by "want some." Meanwhile, Rikki G keeps the real treats to himself, and while Kyle hears a bunch of licking and sucking, he decides the baggie isn't that bad an alternative. Kyle looks as though he's beginning to wonder whether he's still a man, as reaches for his Adam's apple and jiggles it a few times. Then he pops one of Rikki G's treats into his mouth.
[Megan's Apt] Megan and Ryan are taking a shower together when Megan asks, "Where could I go to find a real hunk?" Ryan, setting the world record for "Uh's" in a sentence, finally manages to suggest the executive health club in his office park at work. He tells her all the macho types go there, such as lawyers, stockbrokers, and doctors. Ryan adds, "We do a pickup game of basketball every Thursday." Megan, who's head isn't too waterlogged yet, finally exclaims, "Wait! Today's Thursday. Can I come?" Ryan, who's head has been sitting under the shower head a bit too long asks, "Why, do you want to play?" (Has he been following any of this conversation so far?) Megan says she just wants to watch. "I like to watch you sweat" she says. Maybe one day, she'll even get to see him make a basket!
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael checks in on Perry Hutchins, telling him he'll be ready to go soon. Perry comments how unfair life is, how a dunce like him can make millions while someone who can save a life, can't save a penny. Perry adds, "I may be a dunce, but at least I'm smart enough know who my real friends are." If you had closed captioning turned on, suddenly the screen is dominated with the words "Omen! Warning! Look Out, Sucker! (Michael, that means YOU!)"
[Dept. or Corrections] Eve visits her parole officer. She even had to cancel lunch with her husband. And if you thought it was that time of the month only for Kyle, you were wrong. Apparently it's that time for Eve, too, as she proceeds to bite off her parole officer's head when he asks her if she's told her husband about her past yet.
[MP Apt Complex] Michael gets a knock at the door, and he finds a pimple-faced kid standing there. He hands Michael a key, saying it's from a heartfelt friend. Michael and Jane run out into the street, where they feast their eyes on a beautiful new red Ferrari F355 Spider. Jane asks, "What's it about?" Michael start explaining how he "saved" this guy, Hutchins' life and now the guy is paying him back as a means of thanking him. While Michael rambles on, Jane finds the sticker price still on the side window. (Oh, this is what she meant when she asked, "What's it about?" Translation: "About how much is it worth?" For those who really want to know, it's $127,000 - $137,000.) When Jane sees the value of the car, she agrees with Michael that they should keep it. That way, they can sell it and get out of debt. Instead, Michael wants to keep it and consider it a priceless gift. Hey, and how much more could insurance be anyway, than what he was paying for his previous convertible, that beautiful piece of American craftsmanship, aka the Ford Mustang? Sitting in the center console is a Nokia cell phone, preprogrammed to dial Hutchins. Michael does so, and Hutchins invites Michael over to his "cottage" in Bel Air at noon, tomorrow.
[NYC Club] Kyle is just about to sign Sharp Objects, when he realizes the only checkbook he has with him is the one to his and Amanda's dream house. But one suck by the brunette leads Kyle to stammer, "Dream Huh?"
[MP Courtyard] Peter is sucking on a beer in the courtyard when Amanda returns home. She's in a bad mood, griping about having to manage the restaurant and AWA while Kyle is gallivanting around NYC. Peter suggests she go out and bring him home. Amanda realizes that Peter knows more than he's saying. Peter repeats his suggestion. This causes Amanda to finally listen. No joke!
[Ryan's Apt] Megan and Ryan finish up sex for the umpteenth time this episode. I'm sorry, but being together strictly in the horizontal position at all times does not a relationship make... except in Melroseland. Ryan comments that if this is the result of watching sweaty guys miss basket after basket, then she should come along more often. Megan suggests they hop out of bed and go to the kitchen for some reason. So they do, and Ryan stumbles upon her laptop, which she just so happened to leave running. It has a spreadsheet of studly statistics, causing Ryan to laugh. Megan grabs the laptop away from him, telling him it's some market research she's working on. Amanda knocks on his front door, telling him to get dressed because she's flying to NY tonight and she's coming with him. Ryan starts his normal stuttering. Fortunately, Amanda can speak, and she tells Ryan his brother is in trouble, and it's really worrying her.
[St. George Hotel] As Amanda and Ryan head towards room 1711, two sycophants pass them in the hall, having just exited from what turns out to be Kyle's suite. Amanda starts pounding on the door, and when Kyle answers in his thick terry robe, Amanda starts pounding him and leaves in tears. Ryan is jazzed (I quote: "I love this town!") but still has to act like a concerned McBride, so he grabs Kyle and asks, "Who were those women, and do they give good sycophant?" Kyle claims that there were a lot of people in the room last night and that he passed out. Then he adds, "I'm screwed, aren't I?"
[Hutchins Bel Air Cottage] Michael pays Perry a visit, who asks how Michael's enjoying the car. Michael says it's great, but that they may need to sell it because they're a little short on cash. Perry shakes his head, commenting that he knows of a stock that's about to go public, and that a $100,000 investment would return a million. A sure-thing. Only Michael doesn't have a 100 grand. Michael wonders what's wrong with this picture, other than the fact that this Perry character looks a lot like that sleaze ball Rory who tried to get Amanda's money down in the Dominican Republic a couple dozen episodes ago.
[NYC, Faceworks Offices] Ryan arrives just as Amanda's meeting is over. Ryan tells her that Kyle is ready to explain and is waiting for her at a nearby restaurant. But Amanda doesn't want to go, afraid that Kyle will try to pull off a Bill Clinton on her, saying that he didn't have sexual relations with those women, and then telling her it all depends on what her definition of is, is. She's had enough of this double-talk from the Prez and doesn't want to hear it again from her husband, too. She starts crying, knowing the pain Hillary must be going through. Amanda says she's heading back to L.A., and Ryan can join her if he wants. Ryan says he'll call Kyle and tell him he's on his own, causing Amanda to quip, "He already knows. It's the rest of us who keep forgetting."
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter is finishing up on the computer, an iMac, when Michael strolls in. Peter has no qualms about the machine lacking a floppy drive. For some reason, Peter decides to leave, asking Michael to shut down the computer for him. Michael never understood why, on a PC, whenever he asked how to shut down the computer, the person would always tell him to press the Start button. But Michael should have no problem on the iMac, since to shut down you simply choose the Shut Down menu selection. Still, Michael does have a problem turning off the computer, only it's because all the various hospital funds are there in front of his nose, including Amanda's Charity Fund. You got it, an easy $100 grand flaunting itself in front of Michael...
[Ryan's Apt Megan stops by in a red number, as flashy as Michael's new Ferrari. She's a bit surprised to find Ryan at home, but now that he's there, she wants to ask him some questions that she has down on her hunk questionnaire. She hands Ryan a 2-page form, asking him to fill it out immediately. "You get a kiss for every answer," she says, "and if you fill out the entire questionnaire, you'll find out why they call me such a great headhunter!"
[Amanda and Kyle's Apt] Kyle finally returns from NYC, accompanied by that wailing guitar. When he unlocks the door, he finds the door still chained. He asks her to unlock it, or else he'll knock it down. She says, "You go for it, marine. It's not going to make me love you again." When Kyle realizes Amanda is serious, he even resorts to his scratchy Clinton impersonation, saying, "Nothing happened in New York." Only Amanda is ready for that line and responds, "No, whatever happened, happened before you left L.A. And it's a much bigger problem than I can help you with." With that, she closes the door on the jarhead, and the wailing guitar picks up in one of it's longest rifts of 1999. ;-)
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified January 12, 1999. |
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