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Melrose Place
[MP Courtyard] Santy Claus shows up at MP and waddles into the courtyard as though he had just been riding reindeer bareback. It turns out to be Dr. Visconti, who's there to pick up Michael, Peter, Ryan, and Kyle, also donning full Santa regalia. They 5 men plan on going to various schools around West Hollywood to bring tears of joy to all the boys and girls in the Hood. "For some, this is their only Christmas this time of year" explains Visconti, although, come to think of it, I usually only have one Christmas this time of year too. As the 5 clueless St. Nicks stroll out to Visconti's car, they practice belting out their jolly laugh by thinking of Megan -- "Ho! Ho! Ho!" they cry.
[National Bank of the West] The three girls continue their bickering, which has been going on since this foundation was formed last episode. This time, the burr up Lexi's dark region has to do with Eve having check signing privileges. Amanda tells Lexi that unless Eve is treated equally, that she'll pull her share of the money out. Besides, Amanda says, it was Eve's idea to hire Hanson to play at the club. Eve winces, realizing that, as the newcomer to the show, the writers tend to blame her for all the stupid plot ideas like this Hanson thing. Suddenly, there are gunshots as 5 men, dressed as Santas, bursts in. One, with a Tim Roth accent announces, "Everybody be cool, this is a robbery." Everyone drops to the floor as one of his accomplices, a Santa, chimes in, "Any of you funnin' princes move, and I'll execute every motherfunnin' last one of you." For a second there, I thought Fox was showing a repeat of the TV version of Pulp Fiction! As several Santas fill their sacks with cash, one runs around collecting rings and purses. Eve and Amanda give up theirs, but when Santa notices Lexi not joining in on the reindeer games, he demands to know why. "I'm not married, Kringle, don't rub it in" is her answer. Eve asks, "Who picked this bank anyway?" Obviously, Eve is thankful for one of them picking a bank with wall-to-wall carpeting rather than one with a hard tile floor.
[Streets of West Hollywood] The first 5 Santas in Visconti's Lincoln convertible sleigh are cruising down the street. One of them has the bright idea to start singing Xmas carols, and when they do, within seconds, they are surrounded by black & whites barking orders for them to pull over immediately and stop all that noise, in violation of the city ordinance 29.134.2, no bazooka bass stereo speakers or out-of-tune caroling while operating a motor vehicle. There's so much screaming by the cops to get out of the car that the closed captioning can't even keep up!
[Police Station] Some cheesy Hanson music plays while we see the 5 Santas being fingerprinted and their mug shots taken by that cop from "Family Matters" The best line here was when the cop tells Kyle to face forward (photo taken), face left (photo taken), then face right. Kyle turns to his left again, causing the cop to say, "Your other right." The other interesting tidbit in this scene is that Dr. Visconti's name is spelled as "Visconte" in his mug shot. Just thought you'd like to know. After the photo session, Erkel's neighbor leads the 5 men into a room with a 1-way glass. all of them in a lineup, and each has to say the line, "Give me the funnin' money, you funnin' corksucker muthafunner!" Behind the one-way glass are a handful of the victims from the bank. One woman comments, "Itz' 'ard tuu zay..." Yeah, right lady, it sounds like anything in English is hard for her to say. Another women chimes in with the idea that if the men were to remove their beards, that somehow she'd have a better idea if they were the robbers. She might as well have suggested they remove their red jackets! Lately, I've begun to realize that maybe Andrew Shue wasn't really to blame for his bad acting, that it was all those stupid lines he was forced to say by the lame writers. But I digress. Among the witnesses is Amanda, Eve, and Lexi, and when they see the men with their beards off, they realize who these guys are. Amanda says, "They couldn't have been anywhere near that bank!" Well, that's good enough for the cops and they let the guys go.
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Amanda and Kyle return home, and Amanda starts running at the mouth about having a baby, causing Kyle to really want a drink. "I have led a pretty wild life, but I have never made love to Santa Claus before." Which makes me wonder, what holiday-related creatures has she done it with?
[Megan's Apt] Megan, tossing about on her couch as having an extremely enjoyable dream, suddenly wakes to find herself the object of a peeping Tom, causing her to scream out. Then realizes it's only Ryan so she lets him in. And by in, I mean all the way in! One minute she talking about erect Xmas trees, ornament balls and long hard yule logs, and the next, she's got her legs wrapped around Ryan tighter than a ribbon around a Christmas gift. The two of them then proceed to flatten a few sofa springs, forcing a scene break.
[Jane's Apt] Jane is busy painting a white china plate of hers as a gift to Amanda, when Michael drops by. He mentions his arrest, which doesn't seem to cause Jane to stir, so then he apologizes about the real estate agent, saying he was just trying to prepare himself for single life again but that it was a disaster. Jane mentions her disastrous date, although what did she expect from a Julia Roberts flick, anyway? Michael comments that he thinks they're being hasty in wanting this divorce, but Jane explains that she's been doing a lot of thinking for a blonde, and it's beginning to hurt. She's afraid of spending the rest of her life with him, then closes the window on him.
[Peter & Eve's Apt] Eve is sitting in the candlelight, rubbing her now naked ring finger with her other hand. Peter walks in, and asks why she's so blue. "I only had that ring for 3 weeks. It meant so much to me" she replies, although she should really be happy, since 3 weeks is longer than most marriages last on this show. Knowing how sentimental that particular ring was to Eve, Peter comforts her by saying he'll get her another one. Then Eve says, "You didn't even notice the decorations," which are obviously so nice that the camera is afraid to zoom out from its tight close-up of the two of them, for fear we might actually see there's not much more there than a scented candle or two (and how we would know they're scented is even a bigger mystery!) Peter says he never got into the holiday spirit, growing up on a driving range, and maybe that's why he always signed up to cover the wards on Xmas day. And all these years we thought it was due to the Hippocratic oath. There's a knock at their door. It's the sleazy tree guy, Travis Hill, who found out where she lived, I guess from when he jotted down her license plate and somehow looked up her DMV records. Don't rack your brain trying to figure out this one. The urban lumberjack has a tree with him, but Eve tries to keep him out, saying she didn't order a tree, that her husband doesn't know about her time in prison and that he can't know about it. Good, feed the fire with gasoline, Eve. Travis enters anyway, saying the tree is free, his way of saying thanks for all the business. He plops the scrawny evergreen on their floor, saying it's the fullest one on the lot, other than himself. He leaves, saying he expects to see much more of Eve in the near future.
[L.A. Courthouse] Michael is talking with his lawyer, who has the unfortunate curse of looking like Jerry Springer's twin brother, about the divorce hearing. The lawyer can't believe Michael is having second thoughts this late in the game. Their conversation is interrupted, however, when a slew of reporters rumble past, surrounding a bunch of Santa Clauses. Apparently, L.A.'s finest actually caught the robbers, who were still cruising around L.A. in their red outfits robbing banks. Inside, the judge, who looks like the type who would "know the crop report for oranges," tells Jane to tell her side of the story. He scolds them, saying they are ridiculous squabbling like this during Christmas (This from a judge who has a pair of candles with the Star of David emblazoned on them. Whatever.) He asks them to play a game of Jeopardy by writing down the question to the answer, the reason they got married a second time. "What is love?" they both write. Jane is surprised by Michael's answer, er, question. So the judge holds them both in contempt, saying they must spend the holiday season together, servicing each other and performing acts of hard labor on one another.
[Upstairs] Peter shows up at the bar, only to find Kyle drinking by himself. Peter starts to say, "You know, drinking in the middle of the day is..." but Kyle cuts in saying, "Did I aks fer your opinen? I dunt think ah did. Ah'm juss lookin' for s lill' holulay chuueer." I wish Kyle hadn't interrupted, because I wanted to know why Peter was visiting a bar in the middle of the day, if not to drink? Anyway, Kyle is sloshed and obviously depressed, although it's unclear whether it's due to Clinton terminating the attacks on Saddam Hussein so soon, or from his inability to make baby. Peter realizes that Kyle hasn't told Amanda the news yet, and offers to find Kyle psychiatric help. "I don't need a psychiatrist!" Kyle declares. What's even more amazing, is even though he had a hard time saying the word "holiday," for some explicable reason, he was able to say "psychiatrist" with the utmost clarity. Alcohol will do that to a person, I guess. Then Kyle remembers that Amanda's having a company Xmas party at AWA, so he downs some coffee to sober up so he can drink again when he gets there.
[Frosty's Forest, Christmas Tree Farm] Eve stops by to ask Travis Hill how much money it'll take to buy his silence. But it seems that Travis is from Arkansas, for he tells Eve that the money's not important to him, but that he'd rather have sex with her instead. He remember seeing her in her prison smock and fantasized what was underneath that uniform. He starts to drool, realizing this is the first year he's going to make love on AND to Christmas Eve! Eve says he's crazy, but he says that she wants him to keep from telling Peter about her prison past, she'll cooperate. After all, he says, blackmail is the American way. He leans forward as if to kiss her, but is stopped short when Lexi's voice rings out. She's there to pay him the balance for the tree order. Eve runs off, and Travis comments as he watches Eve flee, how fine she looks. Lexi laughs, saying "You can forget about it, tree-boy, she's way out of your league." But Travis grins and says, "Mebbe not as far as yo' reckon."
[AWA] Amanda is busy handing out Xmas bonuses to her employees. She tells one guy, Guy, that it's been a great year. He quips that he'd trade it all in for a kiss (I don't know whether he's just inexperienced at brown-nosing or just an idiot.) A gofer in desperate need of a Quaalude, then hops over to Amanda telling her she's got a phone call. It's Ryan on the phone. Amanda was wondering where he's been, considering she's called him at home and paged him to no avail. Ryan explains that he's really ill, blaming it on bad sushi (I hate it when people blame sushi when it's really the fact that they were too cheap to go to a nice sushi restaurant in the first place!) Ryan is actually not sick, and is calling from Megan's apt, and during the entire conversation, Megan is busy with the lower half of his body reliving her Lewd-inksy fantasy, even showing us more than the Pam & Tommy Lee video. Amanda hangs up, and notices how well Kyle's getting on with the female staff members, figuring he must be drunk. Then Eve shows up, and asks if there's somewhere private where the 3 of them can talk. Amanda leads them to the conference room, saying to Eve, "What is wrong with you, your nipples are popping through your dress?!" Eve explains that tree-boy wanted to fill her with some of his sap. She recounts the whole prison guard story for them. When Kyle hears this, he tells the little ladies to stay there and that he'll take care of things. Then he heads out, like a desert fox, for a surprise attack.
[Frosty's Forest, Christmas Tree Farm] Kyle shows up at Paul Bunion's trailer, and proceeds to deliver some Christmas cheer. At least, cheer for Kyle, as he releases some pent up tension by pummeling the tree lot attendant. Kyle tells him to leave Eve alone, and better yet, to leave L.A.
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] The next morning, Amanda, who fell asleep on the couch waiting for Kyle to return, wakes up and finds Kyle crashed out on the bed, still in his clothes. She can't believe he let his fists do all the talking, but Kyle assures her it was the best way to handle the situation.
[Mission Parking Lot] As part of Jane and Michael's sentencing, they have to hand out Xmas gifts to needy boys and girls at various missions around L.A. Unfortunately, the big flatbed truck somehow distracts from the image of Santa and his sleigh. Michael notices one last kid standing in the background. Michael heads over to the tot, who looks like he could be a reject from the recent auditions to replace Owen on "Party of Five," and hands him a present. The kid tries to get an extra gift from Michael, using the all-too-familiar story that he just wants something to give his mother who just lost another job. Michael falls for it, and gives the kid some moolah to buy her a gift. Jane is impressed, and finally gives in when Michael asks for her forgiveness, although it could've been the dorky hat that Michael was wearing that did the trick.
[Frosty's Forest, Christmas Tree Farm] Lexi returns to a now empty and dusty lot, wanting to buy some wreaths. When Lexi sees the cuts on his face, she knows it's not from him shaving, so she asks him what happened. "Less jest say, Santa's sled fell on mah haid" Travis replies. When Lexi asks if he's concerned about losing money by closing so early, the tree-boy starts crying to Lexi, going into that samo' story about not caring about money. "Thar's only one thin' thet matters mo'e than money. Acshully 2 thin's, sex an' mah life. Enny mo'e quesshuns, yo' hoof it talk t'yer li'l friend Eve about it." Lexi wants more, so the guy says, "Varmints who keep secrets like thet ain't got no friends" and when Lexi asks if Eve isn't really from a wealthy family, the Arkansan laughs and says, "Lady, yo' ain't even scratched th' surface."
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] Kyle pays Peter a visit, telling him all about the incident at the tree lot, using Peter as if he's a psychiatrist. Peter tells Kyle that he knows what the problem is, that he must stop the drinking. And to help him quit, Peter writes Kyle out a prescription. Perfect, stop alcoholism with drug abuse. Peter asks Kyle for a guarantee that he will tell Amanda about his lazy sperm. Kyle winces and flashes his pearly whites, which I assume means "Yes" in military speak. Then he leaves, remembering about Amanda's charity gig at the club.
[Upstairs] Hanson plays to a nearly empty house at Upstairs, since the club is a 21-and-over establishment, leaving their teeny-bopper following stuck standing in the parking lot outside. They play some Beach Boys rendition of "Little St Nick." I'm afraid to ask who's next for fear it may just well be the Spice Girls. Lexi is there, so horny she says she'd even do it with Hanson, if she could only figure out which one that was. Lexi then starts asking Eve questions about Travis, wondering who beat him up, why. Then her bionic eye kicks in and she zooms in on Kyle's knuckles, noticing that they're all cut up and bruised. Lexi says, "Now we know who, but why," then adds, "Travis says the two of you go way back." Well, Eve has had all she can take (whether I'm referring to Lexi's harassment or Hanson's singing, you be the judge), so she tells Lexi to take it into the back office, where the two of them engage in the first *real* cat fight on Melrose, although all it consists of is a couple of slaps followed by some rolling around on Kyle's desk. No hair pulling, no scratching. Kyle rushes in to break them up. Lexi leaves, but not before warning Eve to watch herself.
[MP Courtyard] Amanda is busy with the staple gun and, with Peter's help, proceeds to decorate the entire courtyard with Xmas lights. Just be careful when you get out of the pool that you don't electrocute yourself. Amanda tries nonchalantly, to find out if Peter knows anything about Kyle's recent bout of odd behavior. Peter hints that she and Kyle ought to get reacquainted, to talk things out, then lets it slip that he doesn't like getting put in the middle of things. Amanda knows she's onto something, but Peter quickly kisses her, pointing at the mistletoe above their heads.
[Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle attempts to be witty as the last 1/4 of Melrose commences. He hands Amanda a mimosa and says, "Forget staying in bed, let's live in bed!" Amanda, fresh out of the bathroom, looks at him with a long face. Kyle asks her what's wrong, apparently having not listened to how ridiculous toast sounded. On top of being married to a dufus, her depression is compounded by the fact that she was simply late this month, and not really pregnant. When Kyle hears this, his grin turns to chagrin and suddenly, they're both depressed. "I wanted so much to give you the ultimate gift" she says, referring to a baby, not an N64.
[Jane's Apt] Jane has finished her gift for Amanda, the painting she was doing on that white plate. It turns out to be a painting of the apt complex, which looks like it would sell well in Tijuana. There's a knock at the door, and some delivery boy dollies in a package Jane can only describe as "huge." It seems to have a life of its own, sort of shaking for no reason. The delivery boy attempts to get a good tip, but his hint is a bit too subtle when he says, "Ahem, Merry Christmas." Jane's tip to him is simply "Yeah, you too." Jane reads the enclosed card which says, "Dear Jane, Christmas without you isn't a Christmas. Love, Michael." As Jane reaches to start to unwrap the box, however, Michael suddenly pops out. Jane screams, almost having a heart attack. Michael states that it's not the gesture, but the thought behind it that counts. This nonsensical comment only serves to emphasize the dangers that can result from being wrapped up in a box and depriving oneself of oxygen for any length of time.
[Wilshire Memorial] It's Christmas Day, and Peter is celebrating, not to mention covering the wards, like he does every Christmas. Nurse Amy is looking rather ragged, and could've used a facelift stocking stuffer this year. Lexi shows up and demands attention for her black eye, saying the trauma ward simply gave her an ice pack. Peter grabs her and escorts her out of the area, telling her he doesn't want her spoiling Christmas for everyone else there. Lexi tells Peter the reason she and Eve got in that fight was because of something the tree-boy said. She suggests that Peter find out what secret Eve, Amanda, and Kyle are hiding from him.
[Megan's Apt] Kyle and Megan are trying to have 12 Days of Christmas sex, but have to take a breather on this, their third day. They don't have much in the way of supplies, but have found new perverted uses for fruitcake. Megan asks if what they have is just sex, or relationship. Ryan ponders, then guesses relationship, even though this is the most conversation they've had the entire episode. With that, Ryan has Megan get down on all four so they can play some reindeer games, only their fun is interrupted when there's a knock at Megan's front door. Megan answers it while Ryan runs off to the bedroom where he can put on his pants. The visitor is none other than Lexi, who knew Megan would be home alone, so she brought Megan a Christmas dinner, complete with a turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings. Lexi has even brought a French chef named Pierre to do the trimming. Only to Lexi's dismay, she finds Megan already has her Christmas turkey when she sees Ryan stroll in from the other room. Likewise, Ryan already has his trim, i.e., Megan. Lexi, feeling rather foolish, leaves the food and exits. Megan, letting her blondeness show through again, is overcome with glee from all the food that she is completely unaware and oblivious as to Lexi's feelings.
[MP, Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Amanda and Eve are decorating the tree when Amanda notices the big new rock gracing Eve's ring finger, a surprise gift from Peter. Moments later, Peter arrives after his stint at the hospital. Kyle, getting sloshed on eggnog, has managed to save some for Pete. As he's pouring the goop, Peter mentions to Kyle about Lexi's comments at the hospital earlier that day, about the tree guy getting beat up, and the conspiracy that Eve, Amanda and Kyle were in together. Kyle explains that tree boy was hitting on Eve, and that Eve didn't know how to tell Peter about it, so Kyle hit on the tree boy. Peter apologizes. Amanda calls them over, and makes a sappy toast to the good years and their good men. Eve suggest they take a picture of the moment, and Peter volunteers to play photographer. They are all radiating with happiness, but Peter takes so long to focus (just think what would've happened if the camera wasn't an autofocus model!) that Eve comments, "Come on! Take the picture. We can't keep up these phony smiles forever." Peter quips, "Well, you're all pretty good at it." Suddenly, all three jaws drop and they can't help but stare blankly towards Peter, who adds, "You sure fooled me." He snaps the photo. Appropriately, the sounds of "Auld Lang Syne" play in the background, and fortunately, on a harmonica rather than that wailing guitar...
Happy Holidays! And please, if you "pull a Kyle" this New Year's Eve, let your designated Amanda drive you home. See you back here in 1999!
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified December 22, 1998 |
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