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Melrose Place
[Beach House] Michael has decided to put his house on the market. Linda, your typical L.A. real estate broker, tells Michael he could probably get high six figures for it. Linda mentions that she's his neighbor, living a couple rip tides to the south of him, then quickly segues into Michael's past, asking him what happened to the blonde, the redhead, as well as the other blonde that used to grace his bedroom linen. I guess she moved in after Michael had already divorced Syd. Michael explains to her that he is in debt up to his wazoo, but Linda comforts him by that he's dealing with a pro. "I never jump at the first offer," she says. In her next breath, she "comes on" to Michael, only it turns out, he too, never jumps at the first offer, as he resists her sexual advances. Linda tells Michael she's an amateur astronomer, and used to watch Michael's conquests through her Newton-reflector telescope. Which places her house somewhere out on the ocean, since the window to his beach house faces that direction. She hands him her card and says, "I'm hard to reach during the day, but I'm always reachable at night." Combine that statement with her lusty libido and curvaceous bod, and you begin to wonder if this girl might not be better off selling some other sort of "real-estate." Unfortunately, Michael doesn't have Megan's card to give to her...
[MP, Megan's and Ryan's Apts.] Speaking of call girls, the next scene cuts back and forth between former escort Megan Lewis, and Ryan McBride, primping in front of their bathroom mirrors, Megan busy shaving her mustache and fine tuning her boobs, while Ryan is busy plucking his eyebrows and crimping his eyelashes just like they tell you in GQ magazine. Megan is thinking about what to say to Ryan when she sees him, as is Ryan. Megan leaves her apt and heads up the stairs towards Ryan's, when he comes out of his place. "Were you lookin' for me?" he asks. Megan, quick on her toes (in her high heels, no less), answers "No. I, uh, didn't make it to the gym this morning, so I thought I'd do some stepping exercises." Ryan, a true-blooded McBride, says "Oh." Then the two stutter and mutter, eventually asking each other if they'd like to have dinner later that evening. It's the date everyone's been waiting for... except for the viewers.
[MP, Amanda] Amanda makes it clear to Kyle that she wants to have a baby. The writing on the wall couldn't be clearer -- obviously, it sounds like Heather wants off the show, since babies are taboo on MP. She has a list she wants Kyle to abide to, which includes, "...wearing boxers, no hot tubs, and no sex unless she's ovulating." Kyle frowns, saying he thought making a baby was supposed to be fun. He says he wants spontaneity, then cites regular sex as an example. Amanda tells him she's been checked out by the doctor and is a prime condition, and she wants him to get a physical as well. She wants him to do it today. Now I don't know about you, but if I call the doc and tell him I have rectal bleeding, it'll still take 3 weeks to see him, let alone an appointment to see if I'm shooting blanks or not. Nevertheless, Kyle tells her no problemo.
[Burns-Mancini] Kyle shows up and Peter sees him despite the short notice. Kyle tells Peter that he and Amanda want to have a baby, and that he needs to ask Peter something. If it has anything to do with how to get Amanda pregnant, the man Kyle should be asking right now is Billy Campbell. Kyle mentions that a few of his war buddies from Desert Storm who took humping to new heights, are now reporting problems with fertility. Peter assures Kyle he can't catch anything from camels, but that he'll check Kyle out anyway. And if Peter's workload gets to heavy, he'll have the VA run the tests for him. Peter promises to keep this all a secret from Amanda.
[AWA] Ryan and Jane are going over some frivolous paperwork, giggling like school girls. Ryan continues the part, telling Jane that the new guy, Tim, is staring at her. She blushes, then glances toward Tim, whose tongue is hanging so far out people are starting to mistake it for a necktie. Ryan tells Jane that Tim is asking all sorts of questions about her, and that Ryan has been filling him with info. Unfortunately, before the girls can do any more gossiping, Ryan notices a gofer carrying a box of files into his office, followed by the big A.W. herself. Ryan thinks this must be punishment for his affair with Lexi, but Amanda tells him it is completely unrelated and to grow up. She waits a couple of seconds for Ryan to return from adolescence, then tells the young man she's grooming him to take over agency. Hmm, maybe this week's episode should've been stolen from another Monday night show and called "Everybody Loves Ryan" instead. Amanda tells him that she'll still be CEO and her name will remain on the stationary, but all the grueling day-to-day operations will be his responsibility. All the work, none of the glory -- Ryan takes it.
[Wilshire Memorial] It's nighttime, and Peter apparently is on call, so Eve shows up to see him. Peter asks why she's there, so she explains that since he helped her stop having those nightmares, she thought she'd thank him by bringing him some home-baked cookies. Stop the video! Excuse me, but something must've happened during the American Music Awards, because the last I recall, Eve was standing face-to-face with a blue-faced Kent Kruger belching out "BITCH!" Now, during the preempted week, Peter miraculously cures Eve of her nightmares? Eve has no cookies with her, since her culinary skills are even worse than her lip synching. She asks Peter to remind her why he married her, and the two try to slip into his office. Only when they get inside, they find both Amanda and Lexi there waiting for him. Eve sees Lexi and says, "Well, it's nice to see you dressed, for a change." Amanda explains that she and Lexi are there on official business. The two vixens have decided to bury the hatchet, at least during the holiday season, and are going to create a charitable fund for the children's wing of Wilshire Memorial. Lexi is donating $200,000 and Amanda has agreed for her company to match the offer. Jeesh, first Bill Gates and his million dollar contribution, now this? Lexi says they'll put a tree in every room, give gifts, maybe even throw a holiday party. What else? Things couldn't be better than if Hanson played a holiday concert there for the kids! Lexi comments that maybe this should become an annual event, but Amanda thinks they should have something for all the holidays: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Columbus Day, Groundhog Day. Eve, not wanting to feel left out, states that she'd like to volunteer too, being the wife of the chief-of-staff. Amanda and Lexi agree that would be great. Then Lexi adds, "It's gonna be so cozy working together. All of Peter's women... the past, the present, the always." Then Lexi says she thinks everyone will get something beneficial out of this, and leaves.
[Dinner Date] Ryan and Megan are having their first *official* date. They struggle to talk about nothing, and the tension becomes so intense that Megan resorts to an old trick she used to use at home, accidentally knocking over her wine glass, spilling white wine all over her date's pants. As her date would jump up, she would offer to clean his pants if he would be so kind as to remove them for her. Unfortunately, Megan forgets that she and Ryan are not in the privacy of her home, but in a public restaurant instead, as she hears the repeated gasps from adjacent tables as she reaches for Ryan's zipper. Ryan excuses himself to go clean up in the men's room. On the way, a woman selling roses from a basket approaches him. He reaches for his wallet, and discovers that the wad in his pants is definitely something else, and that he forgot his wallet at home!
[Wilshire Memorial] Lexi loiters in the hallway until Peter passes by. She asks him if he'd like to make a donation, saying it would look nice for the chief-of-staff to chip in a chunk of change for the children. Peter says he's tired, having just got out of a tough game of Operation, where he almost lit up the guy's red nose. Lexi then makes some disparaging remarks about Eve, causing Peter to grab her and throw her up against the hospital wall, just like he did up in Oakhurst last episode, asking her, "What game are you playing now, 'cause I'm not a very good sport." Lexi explains,. "I'm just trying to get into the holiday spirit." Question is, as the Grinch, Grinch, or worst of all, Mr. Potter?
[MP Courtyard] Ryan and Megan return from their date, where the wine had more fizz than they did. Since Ryan couldn't pay for dinner, the restaurant held his car as collateral until he could pay them. So, he and Megan ended up taking a public bus back home. Ryan shakes Megan's hand, admitting she must've had a terrible time, then heads back to his place with his tail between his legs.
[Beach House] Michael and Jane are packing things into boxes. Jane can't believe Michael's so hard up that he has to sell the place. Michael tells her he'll be living out of his car after this divorce. Jane gives him a big "Ha!" saying she is deserves half of his wealth. After all, she was his wife for a whole couple of weeks. As they're packing, they come across some old video tapes, including an Ingrid Bergman film called "Indiscreet." The two start a tug-o-war over the tape, both claiming it to be theirs. They then recall the first time they saw the film together, even though Michael was on a date at the time with a chesty (according to Jane) or flat-as-a-board (according to Michael) redhead named Maryanne. Jane just happened to be at the theater at the time, and that's how the two met. There's yet another one of those black & white flashbacks, with that all-too-familiar "whomp" noise. The weirdest part about this scene is that everyone's in black and white, except for the movie that's playing on the screen, which is in color, looking like a Ted Turner experiment gone haywire! Lest we see how Jane and Michael met, after Michael dumped Maryanne at the theater for not knowing who Ingrid Bergman is. Now, if anybody asks me, "Who's he?," I recommend you see "Casablanca" immediately. And the black & white shouldn't bother you after all the flashbacks on this show this season.
[Oceanfront Property] Amanda and Kyle pay yet another visit to their hillside off of PCH. Now you know why there's such a traffic problem in southern California, with people like these two driving around the freeways of L.A., just to look at their dirt twice a day! The two start talking about how to situate their future house, wondering if afternoon sun is better than morning. Then Amanda grabs at Kyle's loins, checking to see if he's wearing boxers. Kyle wanders where the bedroom is going to be located. Amanda laughs, saying, "If I told you, you're going to want to test the soil." Kyle promises to never let her down.
[Beach House] Michael returns to the beach house, only to find Linda the realtor, sunbathing on his back deck in her bikini. She is the bearer of more than just skin though, for she has good news, she sold his house. Linda tells him it's a short escrow, saying, "You know L.A... Fast pregnancies, fast cars, fast deals. You'll have to vacate the premises in 48 hours." Then she hints that he may want to celebrate and that she's all too willing to participate, only Michael suddenly feels sentimental pangs knocking at his door, and he asks if she and the brown spot on her chest will leave him alone for awhile.
[AWA] Tim Sheldon, the Jane ogler, approaches the coffee maker wearing a V-neck sweater with a white crew-cut T-shirt underneath, a faux pas, especially in L.A. Still, Jane flirts with him, although after looking at her fashion designs, it's easy to see how she could overlook his ridiculous attire. When Jane says, "Hi Tim!" the new hire almost slips and falls. "You know my name?" he asks, seeming more and more like a perfect date for Matt Fielding rather than Jane. Jane, sensing Tim is not going to make any move, let alone the first one, asks if he'd like to catch an Ingrid Bergman film playing at the Rialto. He cringes, saying he's into more contemporary films. So she leaves, saying if he ever wants company for a more modern film to ask her. Tim then waddles over to Ryan saying, "She asked me out! She asked me out!" Amanda is waiting impatiently for Ryan, who is late since he had to go back to the restaurant to get his car this morning. Amanda tells Ryan she's got a new client that she wants Ryan to "take care of." When Ryan learns that the client from LeBeau Cosmetics is a woman (a hot one at that), he hesitates, explaining that he's been having a hard time talking to women lately. Amanda tells him that she wants him to use his GQ looks to their advantage, and with that, she introduces Ryan to Catherine McCord, spokesmodel for LeBeau Cosmetics. "Wow," Catherine purrs, "Amanda told me you were a looker, but I thought she was just selling. Now I'm really interested in going over the account." Of course, I write this with more feeling than she did delivering her lines, but if you're going to have bad acting, it might as well come from the mouth of a babe, right? Amanda orders Ryan to take Catherine around town and satisfy her.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Lexi, Amanda, and Eve are having their first meeting together, discussing a tree lot that will sell to them in bulk. Lexi comments on how much she enjoys the holiday season, then asks Eve if she does too. Eve tells Lexi that the holidays were never really a big deal in her family, then looks to Amanda for help and Amanda can do nothing but look back. This makes Lexi suspicious, and she asks if Eve's childhood memories are some sort of national secret. So Eve blurts out that she didn't say anything only to keep from bragging, but since Lexi wants to know, Eve starts saying how lavish the holidays were when she was young, blah blahing about the good times until Lexi is called away due to a phone call. Amanda asks Eve what the hell she's doing, since what Eve was doing was describing Amanda's past, not hers. Eve explains, "I just want Lexi to think I come from the same stock as she does... rich elitist snobs. You know the type, Amanda." Amanda certainly does, since she was one of those rich elitist snobs. Amanda says that if Lexi ever tried to verify Eve's story, that both Eve and herself would be screwed. Amanda then verbally slaps Eve in the face, telling Eve it's not a contest, but then saying that Eve won, that she got Peter (which sounds amazingly like a contest if you ask me).
[Beach House] Jane bursts in on Michael, there to pick up more boxes of her stuff. I, for one, do not see why Jane needs to make so many trips, unless she's removing her belongings one box at a time! Still, here she is again, this time ranting and raving about how she can't believe Michael tried to sell the beach house out from under her, and how she owns half the house and deserves half the profits. Michael tries to explain that there are no profits once the furnishings are accounted for, as well as the second mortgage. Jane laughs his explanation off, and then, as she's trying to make her way out the front door, she runs into the realtor, Linda, dressed in just enough to warrant the TV-M rating. When Michael tries to explain that this is not another one of his conquests but his real estate agent, Jane barks, "In that dress? Nice try, Michael!" and storms out. Linda, it seems, is here to drop off the escrow papers, as well as her dress, as she then goes down on Michael, who suddenly understood where Bill Clinton was coming from.
[AWA] Tim catches Jane as she's running to the ladies restroom. "Jane, I was looking for you," he says. With her Midwestern wit, Jane replies, "Here I am." Tim asks her to what he considers "contemporary filmmaking," a sneak preview of the new Julia Roberts film. Jane accepts, then continues into the restroom, where she runs into Amanda. Amanda orders Jane to handle some extra work while she's away from the office. Jane giggles, then says Tim just asked her out on a date and that she's losing her mind. Amanda tells her that sounds like a personal problem, but as far as work is concerned, Amanda feels that Ryan and Jane can handle everything and that she can't be reached. When Jane asks if everything is ok, Amanda informs her that she's hot and horny.
[Beach House] Outside, you can hear the sounds of seagulls laughing, and you know why once the camera cuts to a shot of Michael in bed, his arm covering his face. It seems that even though he kept saying, "I think I can, I think I can," the little engine couldn't. Linda, not mostly dressed, comes to his bedside and asks, "Why are you being so hard on yourself now?" Poor Michael, always hard at the wrong times. Apparently, this is part of Linda's way of closing escrow, and considering how good the real estate market's been lately, she tells Michael that she hasn't had a good night's sleep in a long time, until last night that is. Before she leaves, she makes one observation, telling Michael he's still in love with Jane.
[Oceanfront Property] Amanda shows up at the dirt lot, where Frank the contractor is busy looking at blueprints. Only he's confused where the fireplace should go. But as soon as Amanda realizes that Kyle isn't there watching the chaparral grow, she throws her car in reverse and floors it out of there.
[Pacific Coast Highway] Amanda's driving down the road looking for Kyle. She even calls her gofer, Becky, promising the poor girl a 401k if she finds Kyle in the next half hour. Seconds later, however, the poor gofer loses out on some much needed retirement money when Amanda spots Kyle's Durango heading down the road in the opposite direction. She pulls a Rockford reverse and zooms up behind the Dodge, honking if she's horny. Kyle pulls over and Amanda tells him it's time. She's ready to do the splits in the back seat, but Kyle refuses, saying he doesn't want to explain to his child that it was conceived in the back seat of a car. Then Amanda spots a seedy motel across the street named "Moonlight Hideaway Motel." Inside, Kyle positions Amanda on the bed, starts unbuttoning her blouse, and promises, "I am goin' to give you a night you won't forget." Damn, he must be good, considering at the time, it's only about two in the afternoon!
[Upstairs] While Kyle and Amanda are screwing around somewhere, Pushmonkey is the guest artist playing at the club. Is it me, or does it seem like neon lights grow there faster than a Chia pet? It's starting to look like the place is filling up with leftover props from the old Shooters set. But I digress. Ryan is there with Catherine McCord. From the conversation they're having, to occupy her time, Ryan apparently took the supermodel to his favorite basketball court, where she proceeded to kick his ass (and she's wearing leather and heels too!), without even smudging the LeBeau lipstick she was wearing. Ryan is practically the worst white basketball player ever, bringing the game to a new low. Ryan apologizes if he talked her ear off about Megan, but Catherine understands, saying this Megan is a lucky girl. Just then, Megan enters the club, and seeing Ryan with another pretty face, she grabs a drink at the bar and then invites herself to Ryan's table. Introductions are made but before Ryan can explain who Catherine is, Catherine herself says, "We're good friends. In fact, we spent the entire day together." Catherine then excuses herself, saying she'll catch a cab back to the hotel. Ryan is pissed that Megan would come over and break up his business meeting like that. Megan could care less, more interested in why Ryan can hold a conversation with a supermodel, but can't say two words to her. Ryan tries to explain that maybe it's easier for people whose name starts with "Mc" to talk to each other. If only Megan's last name was McLewis... but it's not, so Megan says, "Maybe I have nothing to say to you" then heads out the door, very distraught. Ryan sends a few words to chase after her, when he says, "Good. I guess we're not friends anymore." Ryan thinks a second, then runs after Megan, catching her on the stairway down to Kyle's the Restaurant. They still have trouble talking, but Ryan manages to say that he can't talk because he's so attracted to her, and that he wants to kiss her. She tells him to stop waiting for permission, so he leans forward and they kiss. Only they kiss worse than they talk, as the two of them stand perched on the stairs, fumbling about trying to angle their heads correctly, not bump noses, and open their mouths just the right amount...
[Veteran's Administration Lab] Peter calls the lab to find out the results of the fertility test he did on Kyle. The technician, Carson, goes through the mess of folders which seem to be fighting for counter space with his lunch. Peter asks for the results of "McBride," but fails to provide a first name, since McBride is such an uncommon surname in this country. Carson looks at the first McBride in his pile, and reads back the result, "Zero sperm count." Unfortunately, they're for a Robert McBride, not a Kyle McBride, whose file is actually down a ways in the pile. Carson offers to send him the results. Peter says, "Yeah," (whether this means he wants one or not is unclear) "but in the meantime, file it." Then another technician scoops up all the folders, scolding Carson for being so messy.
[MP, Amanda and Kyle's Apt] Kyle and Amanda arrive back home, completely out of breath. Kyle boasts that they probably made twins. Of course, seconds after they arrive home, the phone rings. It's Peter, so Kyle tells Amanda that it's the restaurant calling. Amanda says she's heading for the shower, and demands that Kyle join her after he gets off the phone to continue pumping out the babies. Once Amanda is safely in the other room, Peter breaks the news to Kyle, telling the guy he's sterile. "You and Amanda will never be able to conceive." "What???" Kyle asks, apparently not understanding, so Peter tries to explain the situation, using that old adage that basketball players have a hard time making babies too, because they tend to dribble before they shoot. Only Kyle doesn't get it saying, "But I suck at basketball." Kyle asks Peter to swear not to tell anyone yet, then says he has to go now, since Amanda is waiting for round two in the shower. If Kyle wasn't shell shocked in Desert Storm, he certainly knows the feeling now.
[Frosty's Forest, Christmas Tree Farm] Amanda, Lexi, and Eve are at the tree lot, deciding on how many trees to buy. They decide on 100, and they ask the lot attendant (they prefer to called urban lumberjacks), if he can "cut" them a deal for the trees, considering they're going to charity. The urban lumberjack says it may be for charity, but he's in it for the cash. So, whatever the girls were talking about at their first meeting at Kyle's the restaurant obviously went by the wayside. Lexi cuts the attendant a check for 50% of the price, telling him the balance will be paid if the trees are delivered by the 20th (just in time for next week's show!) The two ad execs have to split, but Eve stays around to look for a special tree for her and Peter's first Christmas together. After the two women leave, the urban lumberjack lumbers up to Eve and says to her, "Don't ah knows yo'? ah nevah fo'git a face." Eve says he must be mistaken, he introduces himself as Travis Hill. "Of course, yo' remember thet cell block ah used t'guard, cell block 14, does thet rin' a bell?" Eve tries to leave, telling the guy to stay away from her, but he grabs her saying, "Ah thunk yo' still had 5 years, did yo' excape? Mebbe ah sh'd call th' autho'ities." Eve replies, "I WAS PAROLLED. I HAVE A NEW LIFE NOW." The urban lumberjack replies, "Me too. Me too. ah have... yo' know, wawkin' at thet prison depressed me... 'cept th' times ah gotta watch yo'. ah got sech a thrill watchin' yo' exercise. Huh? Hey, whar yo' gwine?" Eve runs off and tries to get in her car, but not before Travis says, "Noo life. I'd say yo' hit th' jackpot, lady." As Eve pulls away, the guard of the Douglas firs jots down her license plate number on the palm of his hand with a ball point pen. Now, this scene will probably cause a slew of angry letters from prison guards across the country, who have just been placed a notch below a Christmas tree lot attendant. Just don't write to me, okay? I am not responsible for this. Meanwhile, Lexi, who everyone thought had left, is actually still in the lot, sitting in her car, and she witnesses the entire incident, realizing there's some sort of connection between this bum and Eve.
[Beach House] In one of the most touching scenes of the seventh season, Michael stands alone in the now empty beach house. The soft music plays, and as he begins to leave, his last box in hand, he stops and reaching into the box, withdraws the VHS copy of "Indiscreet" and leaves it on the kitchen counter alongside the set of house keys. If this scene doesn't bring you to tears, you're not a true Melrosian. I haven't felt this sad since the farewell of Shooters.
[Melrose Multiplex] The sneak preview of the new Julia Roberts film has just let out, and Jane and Tim find themselves exchanging opinions. Tim admits he didn't like it much, citing poor character development, too much action, and not enough story," concluding with "They just don't make them like they used to." Tim suggests that next time they go see one of her classics. Then Tim makes his move, mentioning that he lives right around the corner from the cineplex, asking Jane if she'd like to drop by and have a night cap. She agrees and they get in his car. He jokes that the next step is to see if their musical tastes agree, and he proceeds to turn on the car stereo, and "Addicted to Love" starts blaring from the speakers. Of course, this sends Jane, and the viewers into another black & white tailspin as Jane flashes back to Michael's striptease in the beach house a few weeks back. And with one twist of the stereo knob, Tim's hopes, dreams, and fantasies were dashed, as Jane asks to be driven home instead.
[Upstairs] Kyle is sitting behind his desk in the office when the phone rings. He's holding a framed photo of Amanda, who coincidentally, is the one calling. She describes the black teddy she's wearing, causing Kyle to cringe and bite his lip, the book of baby names she bought, as well as the champagne that she'll keep on ice until he gets home. She ends the call by saying how much she loves him. Kyle whispers back, "I love you, too. I love you, too." Then the scene goes into its patented slo-mo, as Kyle downs a glass of McBride scotch, teaching us once again, that there's not much that a stiff drink can't solve.
[To Be Continued...]
Last Modified December 15, 1998 |
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