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Melrose Place
[MP Courtyard] For some reason, whenever Potsie directs an episode, it's anything but, happy days. Michael strolls over to Jane's, bright and early, and places a bouquet of red roses at her doorstep, as well as tapes a cheesy "Welcome Home Jane!" sign onto the door, which will undoubtedly pull off some of that lovely green paint when it's removed. Somebody creeps up behind Michael. He turns to find Jane's parents, Mr. and Mrs. White Shadow, standing there. Michael jokes with them, but they're in no mood for his humor. Obviously, tired of flying to L.A., if not for a funeral, then a wedding. They breathe a sigh of relief knowing at least they won't have to come out for Sydney anymore. Michael asks them where Jane is, and they wonder the same thing. They tell Michael that Jane never met them at the airport so they just figured she had taken a different flight. Michael runs to his apt, having a good idea where she might be. He grabs his cordless and phones Alex in Chicago, who simply laughs at the fact that Michael can't find his bride-to-be. Alex tells Michael that maybe she missed her flight, considering he and Jane were up late last night celebrating. When Michael asks Alex to define "celebrating," the phone goes dead. Damn cell phones! (I know, neither of them were using cell phones, but something's got to take the rap.)
[Hotel, somewhere in L.A.] Amanda meets Jane, who's spent the night at some hotel near the apt complex. Jane confesses to Amanda that she doesn't know if she can go through with the wedding, after having spent 3 days with Alex, making dresses. Amanda exclaims, "Oh, you mean you had sex with him!?" Apparently, "making dresses" is fashion lingo for making something else... Jane explains that all they did was kiss, but that she pulled a Jimmy Carter and "lusted in her heart." As a result, Jane doesn't know if she can spend the rest of her life with Michael and have this connection with Alex linger in the background. Amanda explains that this is where the term "baggage" came from and that Jane has nothing to worry about. It's just a case of pre-wedding jitters, easily remedied by going on the honeymoon and making dresses with Michael.
[MP, Ryan's Apt] Lexi and Ryan are in various states of undress. Lexi coos, "So exactly how awkward is this going to be? Do I get a cup of coffee, a peck on the cheek, or do I throw my clothes on and scoot out the back door?" Honey, by the looks of Ryan's kitchen pantry, you'd be lucky to get a glass of Tang! Ryan chuckles and says "I don't have a back door," but by the way Lexi licks her lips when he says this, she obviously did find his, last night. Their schmoozing is interrupted by a knock at the door. "Sh!t, it's Kyle. We usually play basketball in the morning." (If they're lucky, maybe he and Kyle can get the White Shadow to give them some pointers on how to make a basket for a change.) Ryan has Lexi hide in the bedroom before letting Kyle in. Kyle enters, basketball in hand, but immediately starts sniffing. In a most military voice he states, "I love the smell of poohtang in the morning. It smells like... victory." Kyle tries to guess who the conquest was, and cringes at the thought that it might just be Lexi. Kyle realizes, whoever it is, she's still in the apt, so he whispers to Ryan, "Oh, you want me to vamonos, don't you?" Please, these two knuckleheads have enough problems trying to speak in English, don't complicate matters by having them speak a second language. Kyle leaves. Lexi pops back out and proceeds to dress in front of Ryan's window, causing Ryan to worry that somebody may see her. Ryan asks her to the wedding, a typical place for a first date, but Lexi declines.
[MP Courtyard] Peter is busy lugging boxes from Eve's place to his, while Eve the muleteer follows behind. Although it's only been a few weeks, she's managed to accumulate a bunch of junk already. Peter asks Kyle to tell Amanda that Eve won't be needing her place anymore, and for Amanda to get them a spare key instead. Peter and Eve then embrace, and we are treated to some lovely piano music (vs., that wailing guitar). Life is as bliss as Eve's hair is curly. (Which is very.)
[MP, Michael's Apt] Amanda pays Michael a visit and delivers a message to him, telling him Jane is fine and will be at the church on time. Michael is worried sick about his fiancee, and asks where she is. Amanda replies, "I'm Jane's gofer, not her secretary." Which is about the same thing, isn't it? Ouch.
[Lexi's Condo] Nothing important seems to have happened all day long, so the next thing we know, it's nightfall, and Ryan is over at Lexi's. The two of them are fondling each other on the balcony, where Lexi suggests they "make copy" (that's advertising lingo for... ahem), but before the first zipper is down, there's a knock at the door, and suddenly Megan walks in, there to deliver some office work on her way to the wedding. Ryan quickly hides behind a plant while Lexi goes inside to greet her intruder. Megan says she's going to the wedding alone, commenting that she's cooling it with guys for awhile after Ryan. "First he's pseudo-romantic," she says, "and the next he's unbelievably arrogant." Uhh, correct me if I'm wrong, but when they first met at the restaurant, I remember Ryan as being arrogant, then pseudo-romantic in a later episode. Oh, but this is the resident blonde doing the recollecting. I understand now.
[Wedding Chapel] When Peter hears Michael's wedding vows, he helps Michael by rewriting them, saying that vows are supposed to be romantic. Michael spares no expense, and asks Peter for the extra-gooey version.
[Hotel Room] Meanwhile, Amanda is helping Jane get ready. Jane is having difficulty breathing, as if her gown was too tight. Could Alex have confused altar with alter... While Amanda drones on about how Michael has changed and truly loves Jane, Jane proceeds to hyperventilate, flopping back onto the bed unconscious
[Wedding Chapel] Everyone is astir, wondering what the delay is all about. By the size of the crowd, it looks as though every extra on the Fox studio lot with nothing to do got dragged into the church. I may be mistaken, but I think I even saw Dylan McKay. Finally, the limo arrives. The organist gets into the wedding march like Al Kooper. I wouldn't be surprised if started doing gigs at Upstairs. But instead of the bride marching down the aisle, it's Amanda who makes the trek. She apologizes to Michael, informing him that Jane isn't coming. Michael tries to explain to everyone that the wedding is off, stuttering and fumbling about, and if we didn't know the better, we'd think he was doing his Billy Campbell impression. (Does this include getting stood up at the altar?)
[MP, Michael's Apt] The next morning, Jane pays Michael a visit, to apologize. Only Michael doesn't want to hear it. Jane begs him for a 2nd chance, blaming her behavior on a panic attack, but adds that her sessions with Alex were so intensive, which only serves to rub salt in Michael's wounds. And speaking of wounds, Michael tells Jane he has to go now, since he signed up for a double shift in E.R. He quips, "I don't want to keep them waiting. They may think I'm not coming." Michael's dangerous enough with a scalpel when he's awake, just think of the damage he can do towards the end of his second shift!
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Kyle tells Amanda that Eve's references don't check out, but Amanda tells him not to worry about it. Then Amanda plays doctor with Peter. Spin doctor, that is, telling him that Jane is sorry and wants to make it up to Michael, only Michael won't listen. Suddenly, it's Michael's fault for the wedding getting canceled, Amanda blaming Michael's pride for getting in the way. Peter agrees he'll try his best since he is Michael's best man.
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter tells Michael he's got an Italian patient and can't understand a word he's saying, and begs for Michael to help translate. Michael agrees, and Peter leads Michael in through the chapel doors. Inside the room, 150 guests are crammed one atop another like bodies down in the hospital's morgue. Unfortunately, all the poor families who need to pray for their loved ones are stuck out in the hallway, since Jane has decided she wants to marry Michael. Jane speaks her vows, full of fervor. Michael says, "I don't know what to say." The chaplain chimes in, "You could try your vows, Dr. Mancini. Or, ahem, maybe Peter's." So Michael responds with his own mushy talk, and the minister proceeds to marry them faster than a Las Vegas drive-thru wedding chapel!
[Upstairs] It's the wedding reception, and the longest scene of the episode. About the only thing mellow here tonight is the band. Alex shows up, although who invited him can be chalked up to another unsolved MP mystery. He explains to Amanda, "It's like an accident on the freeway. Tragic, but I felt compelled to watch." Megan is talking to Lexi, saying "I keep trying to tell myself I'm fine without a guy, but you know what? Deep down, I'm miserable." I assume she's referring to below her waist, and so does Dr. Visconti, who comes up behind Megan, wraps his arms around her, and asks, "May I have this next dance?" Amanda pulls Eve from Peter's arm, then asks her why she lied about her references. Eve reminds Amanda that after all, it IS a resume; you're supposed to lie on it. Amanda knows Kyle, knows that he'll keep digging deeper and deeper, and once he uncovers the truth about Eve, that he'll also find out the truth about her. Amanda warns Eve to be more careful from now on, and to watch it with the curling iron too, before her hair gets curlier than a Brillo pad. At this point, I pray for a commercial, but the scene just keeps dragging. Alex and Michael exchange words, Michael stating that the past can't hurt him. So Alex hints that he and Jane may have kissed while she was in Chicago, and asks Michael how he feels about tongues. In another corner, Lexi warns Eve about Peter. Then Lexi takes Ryan out on the dance floor and tries to make fire again, only Ryan becomes embarrassed and tells her to stop. So she runs downstairs to the bar. Ryan follows like a dog in heat. Megan watches the two leave and tries to follow, only Dr. Visconti won't release his dance grip. Visconti is telling Megan all about some book he's writing, titled "The Past is Stone, the Future is Water," which sounds like a sequel to the "Kung-Fu" TV show book of sayings. All Lexi can say is "Wow."
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Ryan follows Lexi downstairs into the ladies room. Lexi orders Ryan to lock the door, but he doesn't, and the two of them go at it on the sink countertop. Then Megan walks in on them, freezes for a moment, then leaves. Just like a McBride, Ryan let his little head do the thinking again.
[Upstairs] Back we go to the reception, where Alex is now dancing with Jane, lavishing her with compliments. Michael, meanwhile, is doing some tongue calisthenics with a champagne bottle in preparation for the honeymoon. Michael's face looks like he's getting sick, although if I had to choose between the booze or Alex's adoration of Jane, I'd blame the latter. Peter then announces that it's time for a toast, and gets Michael and Jane up on stage. Only Michael must've thought Peter said "Roast," and proceeds to humiliate Jane in front of everybody, telling them his wife slept with Alex twice, once the night before their first marriage, and again the night before their second wedding. When he asks Jane how great the "Nordic Poster boy, Alex Bastard" is in bed, Jane slaps him and cries, "I want a divorce." She runs out into the parking lot, and Alex follows. Jane runs past the limo to a waiting cab, and Alex presses his way into the back seat with her. When the cabbie asks, "You talkin' to me?" Jane tells him to take her to Alex's place. I think Dan Ackroyd hit the nail on the head when he said, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"
[Upstairs] The commercials end, the guests are gone, but Michael is still there, blowing into his champagne bottle. Megan returns from the downstairs bar, where she's been drinking her troubles with Ryan away. Kids, remember, drugs are bad, alcohol is good. With the amount of alcohol oozing from these two's pores, it's certainly a good thing there's a no smoking law in L.A. The two of them console each other on the dance floor.
[Alex's Mansion] Alex continues to lay the goop on thick, telling Jane he wishes he could make this all go away. "Just know that I'm here for you" he adds. Jane tells him he's been incredible and gives him a hug. He then suggests she take a bath while he pour her some wine. On her way to the bathroom, Jane notices in one of the spare closets (others might call it a bedroom) in the hallway, Alex's original spring line of clothes, completely intact. Jane finally realizes that Alex simply used everything he knew about her to get her into bed, with no intentions whatsoever, of using her designs. Alex explains it's because he loves her. (Hmm, I never did understand love.) Jane tells Alex he's pathetic and leaves. Alex chases after her, telling her she needs him, that design isn't her strong suit, but that her body is. Alex also reminds her he's her biggest client, then asks if she's ready to apologize, to which she answers, "When you're wearing polyester in hell!"
[MP Courtyard] Megan and Michael stumble home together. Megan remembers that her apt is dry, so Michael suggests they go to his place. Then Michael starts to feel sick, saying he'd like to jump off the roof, which causes Megan to show Michael the secret spot that Ryan showed her earlier. No one's home at Ryan's place though. And although Ryan failed to lock the door to the ladies restroom when he was with Lexi, for some reason, he actually locked the door to his apt! I was beginning to wonder if any of the doors had locks. Anyway, Megan throws her body against Ryan's door, in a futile attempt to break in. Michael says, "OK. Move out of the way, Xena." Then Michael proceeds to kick the door open. They stumble inside, knocking everything over in their path. They grab some beer and then Megan leads Michael up to the roof via Ryan's bedroom window.
[MP, Amanda and Kyle's Apt] Jane somehow flew back to the apt complex, and is in the bedroom with Amanda. Jane cries, "I don't have a husband, I don't have a client, I don't know if I have a job anymore. I don't even have any shoes." Amanda approaches Jane and takes her glass away, telling her she's had enough whine. I feel so sorry for the poor girl that I start rubbing my two fingers together, playing that world's smallest violin for her.
[MP, Ryan's Apt] Ryan arrives home and finds his front door is "unlocked." "What the hell?" he asks.
[MP Rooftop] Megan and Michael, lying down on a couple of pool chairs (didn't Amanda ever wondered where the pool furniture disappeared to?) talk about sad things (losing Jane, losing Ryan), terrible people (Lexi, Ryan), and wonderful persons (themselves). Suddenly, Megan no longer likes that part of the roof because it reminds her of Ryan, so they drag the chairs to a different area. Megan's chair gets stuck in its closed position, so she lays alongside Michael as the two of them share his recliner. Michael realizes it's his wedding night and he probably won't be having sex. He explains to Megan that not having sex on one's wedding night will lead to a doomed marriage. Michael glances at his wristwatch, then tells Megan he's running out of time. He asks her to be a pal, and to fill-in for Jane. Moments later, the two of them are doing more than a simple mind-meld.
[MP, Amanda and Kyle's Apt] Jane is trying to strip out of her gown as quickly as possible, saying it reminds her of Alex and Michael. Amanda says that the scum bag Alex must've said something to Michael which set him off. Jane is surprised that Amanda is giving Michael the benefit of the doubt, and even Amanda finds the situation somewhat odd. While the girls talk in the bedroom, Kyle is occupying his time with a beer and the Playboy channel in the living room. Ryan comes over and tells Kyle about his apt. "They kicked the door in, they trashed it" Ryan exclaims. When Ryan tells Kyle that they stole his beer, the two of them break down and start crying.
[MP Rooftop] Megan and Michael come up for some air, and Megan says, "That'll be 20 bucks. I'm a professional, you know." Michael asks what 40 bucks will get him. The next thing you know, the two of them start ripping each others' clothes off.
[MP, Amanda and Kyle’s Apt] Jane and Amanda, lying side-by-side in the bed and licking ice cream, are still talking about Michael. Jane yanks her wedding ring off and hands it to Amanda, saying she won't be needing that anymore. Amanda notices an inscription, and reads it aloud: "First... Last... Forever." She hands the wedding band back to Jane and tells her to go back to her man. Only Jane doesn't have to, because Michael comes to her. Suddenly, there's a creaky noise above them, then another, followed by the entire ceiling caving in, with Michael and Megan landing and smashing Amanda's bed. Jane and Amanda manage to jump off and out of harm's way none too soon. How this building could withstand earthquake after earthquake, yet collapse from a few thrusts from Michael is beyond me. And if the building is this shoddy, shouldn't it have been completely leveled from those bombs Kimberly planted a few seasons ago? About the only good thing that resulted from this is that Amanda can finally toss those soiled bed sheets of hers for some new patterns.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified November 17, 1998 |
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