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Melrose Place
[MP, Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle arrives home around 3 am. All the lights are out, and Kyle is more than just a little annoyed that Amanda didn't wait up for him, twiddling her thumb (or other parts of her body) for 6-8 hours since leaving Upstairs. When Kyle storms into the bedroom, nothing's there but those damn spotted sheets.
[MP, Peter's Apt] Hell, if Kyle isn't going to bang someone or something tonight, so he heads straight for Peter's apartment and starts banging on Peter's door. Peter opens up and Kyle heads straight for Peter's bedroom, natural behavior for someone whose first wife was a woman like Taylor. Peter suggests maybe something happened to Amanda and immediately calls the hospital to see if any beautiful blondes were admitted recently. Meanwhile, Kyle uses Peter's second line in the kitchen to call . An all-too-familiar annoying cell phone sounds in the kidnapper's car. All three passengers wonder aloud whether it's their phone. (See what happens when you own one of those popular Motorola models whose ring sounds exactly the same, making it impossible to differentiate between the expensive StarTAC and that crappy DPC-550?) Amanda, blindfolded and in FULL in the passenger seat, apparently went unnoticed through the freeways of L.A. When they realize it's Amanda's phone, they let it ring, causing Kyle to gasp, "Something's definitely wrong! This is L.A. and she didn't answer her cell phone!" They shudder. Peter asks if he can help, but Kyle tells Peter the last thing he needs right now is the help of a love-sick ex.
[Remote Shack] The kidnappers pull up to some sort of weather beaten shack. By the looks of its exterior, it's probably some 3-bedroom in the Hollywood Hills. The two hoodlums pull Amanda, still blindfolded, from the car and into one of the rear bedrooms. Jack removes the blindfold. Amanda looks around and huffs, "What do you think you're doing, taking off my blindfold?" Either Amanda is concerned that she'll see her perpetrators' faces, or she else the hideous wallpaper lining the room is hurting her eyes! (Yes, in La La Land, even run down shacks are wallpapered.) Jack tells Amanda he "don't care" if she sees his face. The younger guy, whose face is how I'd picture Wally Cleaver to look when he grew up, tells Amanda that as long as she cooperates, the worst she'll be is less one cell phone. Jack tells her to stop the bitch act.
[Streets of L.A.] Kyle decides to search for some sort of clue on his own, roaming the streets of West Hollywood in his car, looking for Amanda like he's searching for a lost dog. Remarkably, minutes later, he spots Amanda's car parked along a curb. "Oh God, it's Amanda's car!" Kyle exclaims, realizing it's parked much too close to a nearby fire hydrant and could get an expensive ticket. Kyle runs over to the car and sighs a breath of relief when he sees the car hasn't yet been ticketed yet. He sees that the keys are still in the ignition, and breathes easily one more time that this isn't a street in Inglewood. Then he realizes why he's been cruising the neighborhood so he proceeds to call 9-1-1.
[Beach House] As soon as Michael leaves for work, Taylor starts her hard-sell one more time, trying to pawn off her baby on Jane and Michael. Granted, this is farther than any unborn child has made it on the show, but as a consequence, Michael Jr. sounds more like a used hand-me-down sweatshirt than a living entity. Plus, did you see Taylor's lips? Just when you thought they couldn't get any bigger. Jane agrees to talk to Michael about the whole baby trading thing, bringing a smile Taylor's face.
[AWA] Jeff drops by with a big box of Sam's clothes. I guess these are remnants from all those times she'd sneak over while still married to Billy, and have unrelenting sex with Bat Boy. Jeff tells her he's putting his house on the market because he got the job in Tampa. Sam wants to celebrate by making him dinner tonight. Jeff declines, saying he's having dinner with his agent. So Sam suggests tomorrow night. Jeff is hesitant, but agrees to have dinner as long as it's at Kyle's the restaurant, which doesn't say much for Sam's home cooking.
[Marina Del Rey] Lexi takes Coop down to a boat dock where she presents him with a one-week anniversary gift, a yacht. Now she and Coop can act out their sexual fantasies as "Ginger" and the "Professor." Coop is upset that she bought the sailboat with money from their joint account, since Lexi's share is already accounted for, and the rest is for Coop to spend the way he wants (which is on Megan.) Lexi starts referring to Megan as Coop's mistress, driving Coop to slam Lexi up against the wall, telling her he's sick of this game. Lexi starts telling him to hit her, beat her, make her write bad checks. Coop starts ravaging her again, but must realize this is getting pretty ridiculous and he backs off, saying he's out of steam. Either that, or he's a closet-case Viagra user who left his pills in his other suit.
[Kyle's Office, Upstairs Jazz Club] Kyle gets a phone call from the kidnappers, who state they want one million bucks, the standard fare for ransom payments. And to think Kyle was worried about that fire hydrant parking ticket being expensive! They tell Kyle not to involve the cops; otherwise Amanda is as good as dead. What's worse, this million dollar debit is really going to put a dent in their dream house plans. Kyle asks the kidnappers where he should get a million bucks when he should be asking Phil Rizzuto. Needless to say, cell phones can be pinpointed since they must use a set of adjacent cell sites (a la OJ Simpson in his white Bronco), but Kyle's too worried about raising the cash to think about such things at a time like this.
[Wilshire Memorial] Taylor is at the hospital on another routine checkup (she goes for months without any prenatal care, then all of a sudden she's having checkups on practically an hourly basis?). Jane is waiting outside the room, where Michael finds her. Jane tells Michael about the baby trading scheme, admitting she might be ready to be a couple again. Jane says, "Whatever happens, if we take joint custody, I will always be there for you, and your son. I promise." Which means a) one episode, b) two episodes, or c) one season?
[Remote Shack] There happens to be a door to the room where Amanda is being kept. Despite the rusty hinges, Amanda works on pushing out the pins, which seem to come out awfully easily. But her escape antics are interrupted when "Wally" brings her a jelly sandwich. The guy turns around to leave, exposing his back to her. Amanda contemplates hitting him over the head with the sandwich, but stops short when she realizes the bread isn't stale enough and that she'll just have to wait for something harder to come along.
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office] Peter finally gets ahold of Mr. Beck, and tells him to call everything off. But Beck informs Peter that everything will go as planned and for Peter to lose his number. Just as Peter hangs up, Kyle bursts in, only this time he's bursting in groveling for money. He explains that Amanda has been kidnapped; the ransom is $1 million; but even by mortgaging everything Kyle can't come up with the full amount. Peter asks, "How much do you need?" Kyle answers, "I still need $300,000." "Give me 'til next commercial break." Kyle is grateful.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Jeff and Sam are having dinner, if you can call a salad dinner, which makes me really wonder about Sam's culinary skills. The two of them have little to say to each other and even less for me to write about. Sam says to him, "I'm not with Billy anymore. You won." "Sure doesn't feel like winning," Jeff replies. Of course, if Jeff even knows what it feels like to win is still questionable, considering he never even got past spring training in his career and is now relegated to a two-bit job in Tampa. Jeff continues working on his facial expressions, pouting for the rest of the scene. Meanwhile, Billy and Jen and Michael and Jane double-date. Michael brings up the Alison escapade, causing Jennifer to run off and powder her nose. Sam sees the dinner of their discontent from across the room, bringing a smile to her face. Jeff sees this and goes into a diatribe about how she's brought on all her problems herself -- her, her, her -- when everybody knows, Jeff likes it "me, me, me." He walks out on her, as part of his weekly threat ritual. But we know, as well as Sam does, that he'll be back.
[Marina Condo] Coop arrives home. Lexi is jealous, accusing Coop of sleeping with that "trailer trash." Lexi demands he no longer see Megan, and to ensure he obeys, Lexi threatens to call Megan and tell her about Coop's infidelity. (Although, the paradox remains, is having an affair with your own wife considered "cheating?") When Lexi decides to call Megan right then and there to tell her about Coop's unfaithfulness, Coop runs over, grabs the cordless phone from her, and throws it against a nearby wall. His veins bulge, blood rushing to both heads, and we know he'll soon be engaging in some more rage-induced sex. Lexi knows this too, and she tells Coop she heads off to the bedroom in anticipation.
[Remote Shack] "Wally" the kidnapper brings Amanda some sunny-side up eggs in a cast iron pan. Amanda is appalled that he expects her to eat right from the pan. The guy once again turns around, and this time, Amanda's patience for something harder pays off. She takes the frying pan and clobbers the dumb lug as hard as she can in the back of the head, making a sound I haven't heard since "The Gong Show." He falls to the ground and should rightfully be dead from such a whack. Then Amanda resumes popping the pins to the door hinges, which come out easier than the eggs did from the pan. Amanda goes running off into the woods. The other kidnapper, "Kenny Rogers," runs after her, but she hides in the bushes and the portly fellow runs by. Amanda pops out of the shrubbery to head back for the shack, but is surprised by the kidnapper she bonked on the head, who is already fully conscious and recovered. He captures her and all is well. Far-fetched, but well.
[MP Courtyard] Coop sneaks over to Megan's place, and raps on her front door, whispering her name, as though this is really going to keep people from seeing him. Megan, apparently doing laundry, comes up behind him. Coop tells her he's fed up with everything, and has come up with a new plan -- to run away. He says he can get a job in Mexico, or if worse comes to worst, Arkansas. Megan has never seen Coop like this and asks, "What did Lexi do to you?" She should have asked Coop, "How did you do Lexi?" Coop says he can't answer her, but for her to be ready after 10 o'clock that night. If Jennifer thought she had a hard time figuring out what to pack for Italy, just think of the dilemma Megan must be in!
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Sam, feeling the pangs of guilt, pays Jennifer a visit. Sam confesses that she was the one responsible for the FAX, and that the whole thing was a hoax. Sam tells Jennifer she'll also tell Billy the whole story, so that Billy and Jennifer can go back to being that "cool couple," but Jennifer stops her, explaining that she doesn't want to live her whole life knowing Billy's just a phone call away from leaving her. Jennifer then says (either to Sam, or herself) "You're a horrible person, don't get me wrong."
[Marina Condo] Megan goes out to the condo to find out why Coop is so willing to abandon everything and run away. So Lexi lets it slip that since she and Coop are living at the marina, they might as well feel the motion of the ocean. Initially, Megan thinks Lexi is lying, but soon realizes, the only lying Lexi's been doing lately is spread-eagle for Coop. Oh yeah, Lexi also introduces the fact that she bought a boat despite not being able to swim (Wink! Wink!)
[MP, Megan's Apt] Coop arrives at 10 pm for his rendezvous with Megan. When no one answers his knocking, he lets himself in, where he finds Megan sitting alone on her couch, in the dark, sauced, the cure-all for any problem no matter how big. Megan sobs, "You know, I've lived with liars my whole life, and I'd convinced myself that you were different." Coop pretends not to know what Megan is referring to, so Megan informs him she spoke with Lexi earlier that day. Coop, suddenly changing his tune, immediately puts the blame on Lexi, saying, "She's a manipulative, scum-sucking witch." (Which is probably how Clinton sounded when he tried to describe Monica to Hillary and Chelsea. Only, lose the "s" in scum.) Coop goes on to say, Lexi's panties just fell off and he "...fell into her trap." Megan tells him to get out and leave her alone. Speaking of leaving, Slick Willie is on his way to Russia.
[Upstairs Jazz Club Office] Peter stops by to share in Kyle's misery, or at least, wallow in it. The kidnappers call, giving him instructions where to leave the money, saying, "It's a go for tomorrow night. 10:00. Off Highway 33, picnic area 7. $1 million, in small bills. Put it in the barbecue." (That's a really smart place to put wads of cash.) The kidnapper adds that Kyle cannot be the one to deliver the money. Kyle asks them nicely not to hang up on him, but the guy does so anyway. This drives Kyle into an uncontrollable rage, causing him to slam the phone down with all his might. Now, every time a guy goes berserk like this, it usually crescendos into some sort of wild sexcapade. Only this time, Peter's the only receptacle in the room. Poor Matt, he'd be perfect for this scene. Luckily, Peter segues from sex back to ransom talk. Kyle tells Peter the kidnappers don't want Kyle to deliver the money, so Peter volunteers.
[Marina Condo] Lexi and Coop share some breakfast talk over a cup of coffee. Lexi figures Megan must've dumped his ass, otherwise, he'd be off on some island by now. But she still can't figure why he isn't trying to rip her head off. Coop admits he was angry, really angry, and wanted to kill her, but then he realized maybe this is what affection feels like. Coop appears to have undergone a change of heart overnight, although Lexi is a bit apprehensive. Coop tells her she plays to win, and that he didn't stand a chance. "It's pretty wild, if it's true" Lexi says. In the most sedate state I've ever seen from him, Coop says, monotonically, "Pretty wild describes it." and asks her if they can start their relationship again, this time for real. Then he goes into the bedroom, where he calls Megan, who call screens. He gets her answering machine, however, so he has no recourse but to leave a message apologizing for his behavior and promising to get Lexi out of their lives.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Jennifer is busy boxing up items in the apartment for the movers, when Michael stops by to try talking Jennifer out of leaving with Billy, the "male slut." Michael points out how Billy's been keeping this thing with Alison going, to which Jennifer lets it slip that Alison didn't really contact Billy. Michael doesn't believe her, saying, "You know this for a fax, huh, Jennifer?" Jennifer nods, saying the fact was just a big hoax, that the fact was sent by Sam as a cruel trick. Jennifer explains that she hasn't told Billy this yet because she wants to know, as she puts it, "That I come first with Billy." Now, this is a little more than a big brother wants to hear coming out of the mouth of his little sis. Jennifer asks Michael not to breathe a word of this to anybody. Michael asks, "Who am I going to tell?" Then Jennifer tells Michael, if he sees Billy, to tell him she's out back. Which answers Michael's question about who he could tell. Michael leaves, and runs into Billy at the bottom of the stairs. Michael proceeds to run at the mouth, telling Billy all about the fax hoax. Billy heads up to Jennifer's apartment and immediately calls the airline to cancel his flight to Atlanta. Jennifer walks in on him and hears this, and is happier than had she bought a Ford ("Oh, how happy you have made me, Oh how happy, you have made me...") But her happiness doesn't last long when Billy starts yelling at her for knowing about the truth and hiding from him. His lips and face get all contorted, and he almost goes into a lisp as he screams and hollers, but all I can think about is, "What sort of acting job does this guy expect to get once he leaves Melrose?" Sad, but true. Billy recalls how Sam lied to him about Jeff, how Jen lied to him about Jeff, and now this incident with the fax. Billy is fed up to his eyeballs with lies, and he calls the engagement off.
[Remote Shack] The two desperadoes tie up Amanda to a chair. She wonders how anyone's going to find her there, but they assure her, if the money's there, she'll be found. Then the two bumbling fools head off for the ransom drop-off spot, but before they do, Jack makes a comment about the right man bringing her down a notch or two. Amanda, eyeing a bottle of Beer beer on a nearby table, scoots over in her chair. She knocks the bottle onto the floor, and the bottle breaks into many pieces. She topples to the floor and begins sliding herself, chair and all, towards the glass.
[Wilshire Memorial] It's now pouring outside. Enough with this rain already. I mean, El Nino is like, so passé. Megan visits the hospital in search of Coop, but Nurse Dana informs her Coop left hours ago. Then Michael shows up, and after having ruined Jennifer and Billy's relationship, proceeds to tell Megan that Coop went to the marina to have drinks with his new wife on their new boat, driving Megan nuts.
[Highway 33, Picnic Area 7] Peter drives up to the agreed upon drop-off point. He takes a small leather satchel ($1 million doesn't take up much space, does it) and places it in the barbecue. No, not a brick or stone barbecue pit, but a nice black propane grill. You know, the kind they NEVER have at public picnic areas. Peter places the money inside the barbecue unit, where he also finds a crude map drawn with what looks like blue crayon. This actually comes in handy, since the rain beads right off the waxiness of the hand-drawn directions. Peter immediately calls Kyle at Upstairs, telling him that so far, so good; that Amanda is in a cabin about 10 miles up the road. (Luckily, the crayon map was drawn to scale.) Kyle demands to know where the cabin is so he can meet Peter, and wants Peter to call his cell phone the minute he finds Amanda.
[Remote, Abandoned Shack] Amanda takes one of the shards of glass from the broken beer bottle, and starts cutting through the ropes. She discovers that sometimes, the cutting is very slow and tough but at other times, the glass does a really good job, as though cutting through butter. She soon realizes, those were her fingers she was slicing, not the rope. So she goes back to cutting slow and tough, eventually cutting through the rope and freeing herself. Lucky for her, there's a nice full length raincoat hanging by the front door, so she dons the jacket and runs out into the storm. Just behind her, in the shadows, is Jack, who takes off after her.
[Beach House] Jane and Michael acknowledge their love for each other. Taylor goes into labor. I lost track of how many months her pregnancy was, but let's just say, it's close enough by Melrose standards.
[Remote Shack] Peter arrives at the shack, only to find some cut rope with red stuff on it. Peter calls Mr. Beck, demanding to know where they took Amanda. Beck tells him she should be at the cabin, but if she messed things up, it's her tough luck. Seconds later, Kyle calls Peter asking if he found Amanda. Peter breaks the news that Amanda is gone. Then Peter goes into a slow motion turn as the guitar wails, signaling yet another cliff-hanging ending.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified August 31, 1998 |
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