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Melrose Place [Beach House] As you may remember, Jane has just landed at LAX and is in a rental on her way to see Michael. Michael stutters, "I have to straighten things up here. You know how it is, being a bachelor." Obviously by the smile on her face, Jane does not really know what "being a bachelor" means the guy's already got another woman in the bedroom that he needs to somehow sweep under the rug. "OK, I'll give you a couple of minutes" she says cheerfully, then hangs up. Considering the fact she's driving somewhere in Los Angeles, she should've given him a couple hours. Michael, thinking quickly, calls 911 and tells them he has a sick pregnant woman and needs an ambulance sent over right away. Taylor strolls out from her shower, and Michael puts on an act saying she looks sickly (it's taken him this long to notice what those disproportionate lips do to her looks?) and literally seconds later, sirens wail and the ambulance arrives. They whisk Taylor away, Michael promising to follow behind in his car. The EMT vehicle zooms off to, we'll guess Wilshire Memorial, and Michael runs back inside to tidy up. Somehow, all those baby toys that were scattered about the house now seem to fit into two little cupboards. And just in time, as Jane knocks on the door. She apologizes for "I know this is weird just showing up like this..." What is she talking about? We've only been waiting for her return since way back in February, 7 long months now. She goes out to the veranda while Michael pours a couple glasses of wine. On his way out, he eyes the Michael Jr. fetal shot, bringing a look of guilt to his face.
[AWA] Billy and Jennifer stroll into work together, at the groping and snuggling phase of their relationship, which you know only lasts one episode max. before they advance to phase two: jealousy. Sam catches them and laughs it off, saying something like "Hasta Spaghetti-O's," which makes no sense whatsoever, and you begin to wonder if running these summer episodes was a bit premature, forcing the writers into a mad scramble for dialogue. But I digress. Billy and Jennifer sit down in Amanda's office, where Billy announces his resignation. He tells Amanda he'll be back later to help whatever dweeb plans to fill his shoes, but Amanda tells him in a few curt words that she doesn't really need his help for the transition. Billy tries to speak, but only, "Uh, uh" can come out before Jennifer pulls him out of the office. Billy comments, at least in Italy, he won't understand them when the people are rude to him. Now, whether he means he won't understand why the Italians are just as rude to him as the Americans were (answer: because he's such a pain in the a$$!); or he won't understand them because he doesn't know the language (hey, he never realized when he was being made a fool of in English either), we'll never know. One thing's for sure, however, no matter what, his facial expression will still be the same! In this long, drawn out scene, we now turn to Sam, who's sitting and talking in one of the conference rooms amidst a bunch of bodies scurrying back and forth, doing nothing more than looking busy. She's on the phone with her Jeff Baylor, who's in Atlanta on interviews. She wants him to FAX Billy a letter, pretending it's from Alison. Sam explains to Jeff that she wants to be happy with him, but at the same time, she would like to make Billy and Jennifer's lives as miserable as possible. Like the fact that Billy and Jennifer will have to spend the rest of their lives having to make small talk to each other isn't punishment enough. Jeff is hesitant, until Sam reminds him that he promised to do this favor for her. So Jeff agrees to send the FAX, and Sam starts dictating, very very slowly. "Dear." (Pause.) "Billy." (Pause.) "That's B-I-L-L-Y, not I-E." Jeesh! At this rate, Campbell won't get the FAX for another 2 episodes.
[Wilshire Memorial] Taylor is being treated at the hospital for... actually, I don't know for what. But neither does Coop, who's doing the check-up. Then I realize, after all this time, I still don't know what sort of doctor Coop is. But it doesn't really matter since there's nothing much wrong with Taylor other than she's STILL pregnant, which is extremely wrong for this show. Taylor tells Coop she can't understand why Michael hasn't shown up to make sure she's okay, saying, "At least you'd think he'd show up to see if I was dead or alive." Coop states the obvious, telling her not to worry because, as best he can tell, she's alive. Then he goes into a diatribe about throwing oneself in front of a bus, while Taylor starts talking about how she used the baby as a man-magnet. Meanwhile, in Peter Burns' office, Peter gets a surprise visit Mr. Beck, aka Mr. Mafia. He tells Peter he's there for his annual treadmill before leaving the country (nothing like getting too much exercise now, is there?) Mr. Mafia tells Peter he's got 2 professionals working on that little business arrangement they discussed. Mr. Mafia scratches out of his throat, "Don't worry, your friend will be handled within the next couple of days." Michael finds out Taylor discharged herself (too graphic for television.) Michael rushes home.
[Beach House] Taylor arrives home and tosses her suitcase on the sofa. Jane, meanwhile, has her suitcase half unpacked in the bedroom. The two women manage to miss seeing each other for several minutes, entering and exiting various rooms at just the right moment. The right moment I'm referring to, of course, is when Michael arrives home. Jane discovers Taylor's suitcase in the living room, just as Taylor finds a suitcase of unfamiliar female clothes in the bedroom. When they hear Michael, both women come out and say, in unison, the exact same line, "Michael, whose stuff is this?" only reinforcing the fact that the writers have been economizing on words. Michael tries telling the truth for a change, telling Taylor he and Jane got back together, and telling Jane Taylor's having his baby. Unfortunately for Michael, he's better at lying. When Jane hears this, she grabs her baggage and says, "I'm going to a hotel." (There's a high probability she'll get confused and end up in the Melrose courtyard instead.) Jane is disgusted with herself for having believed Michael had changed.
[MP, Amanda & Kyle's Apt] Kyle and Amanda wake in each others' arms, nestled in that leopard skin set of bed sheets. "Happy as clams, if they had arms" as Kyle would say. They can't believe they're together and there isn't anyone out to get them. Which gets Kyle thinking. He'd like to get away from apt living and buy a house. Amanda laughs, saying she was thinking the same thing, but after "doing the math," came to the conclusion they couldn't really afford a nice house this year. After all, he's only the owner of a successful jazz club, while she is the slumlord of an apartment complex as well as the president of her own ad agency. I'm wondering if she bothered to use a calculator. Amanda figures if they saved their money, they could afford a really nice place in about a year. Maybe in the meantime, they could spend some money and buy a different bedspread! Kyle recognizes this as "Delayed gratification." Which reminds him, he hasn't gratified himself yet this morning, so he immediately rolls over on the math major.
[Marina Condo] While Coop sits at the breakfast table enjoying his melba toast, Lexi struts out in some sort of PJ. Coop coughs up his meal, telling her to put some clothes on. Lexi, however, ignores Coop's request and saunters over for a cup of coffee, jutting her torpedoes out inches from Coop's face. Disgusted, Coop decides to leave for work early, causing Lexi to apologize. "I promise to behave. I don't want to make this any harder on you than it already is," when in reality, she's the one that wants it hard on her. She hasn't gotten any since before she and Peter split, and it's obviously driving her insane.
[MP Courtyard] Jane, who must've gotten lost on her way to finding a hotel, shows up in the courtyard. Next, we're privy to several flashbacks of Jane during those days when she had really really really really short hair; as well as some shots of Laura Leighton, which almost looked like a commercial for the new season of 90210 than a flashback of the good old days, when Jane and Syd used to scratch each other's eyes out. We know it's a flashback because the scene is fuzzy sepia, as well as slo-mo, a tried-and-true technique of the FX folks. With all these "high tech" special effects, I can understand how Spelling couldn't "afford" to pay Laura Leighton to stay on the show.
[MP, Amanda's Apt] Jane knocks on Amanda's door, only to find Kyle living there. Jane learns that Kyle is now married to Amanda, explaining why Taylor is now living at Michael's (not really, but for the sake of brevity, I'll accept it. Jane asks Amanda if she has any vacancies. Kyle chimes in, volunteering his now unused apt, saying the rent's free. Even if she's from Chicago, Jane knows Amanda, which means, nothing's for free. Jane agrees to pay to live in Kyle's place temporarily.
[AWA] Billy actually receives the highly anticipated FAX "from Alison." Despite the fact that the FAX header has some Atlanta hotel phone number on it doesn't stop Billy from believing it's from Alison. He falls for the fake letter, hook, line, and sinker. He takes the FAX in and shows Amanda, demanding to know what the phone number is to reach Alison. Amanda, AGAIN, tells Billy patients at the rehab where Alison is can't receive calls. Billy asks if Alison ever mentioned wanting him, to which Amanda answers no. In fact, this FAX is rather surprising, and Amanda suggests he ignore the part about Alison saying she'll always love Billy. Amanda tells Billy to be happy with what he's got.
[MP, Sam's Apt] Sam, celebrating for such a successful trick on Billy, is drunk when she gets a call from Jeff. Jeff feels bad for doing Sam's dirty work, saying, "The Samantha I fell in love with, didn't just hurt people for the pleasure of it." Can someone remind me, if it wasn't for the pleasure, then what did she used to hurt people for? Sam appears pretty drunk, but we know it's just an act when she is able to say the word "sanctimonious" without the least bit of a stutter.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] We get a sample of this week's guest... that's right: Joe Sample. Despite Kyle slapping a wood railing near the stage like a drum, the band manages to keep their beat. Amanda brings Jane to the club to show her just how successful they've become. Jane is impressed as if she's never heard jazz before. But who could blame her? After all, she's from Chicago... ;-) Jane says hi to Peter, Jennifer, and Megan (Jennifer pipes, "Ex-Michael-wife #4, meet ex-Michael-wife #1.") Peter notices two thugs sitting completely motionless at one of the tables, totally unmoved by the music. One has dark hair, the other looks like a slimmed-down Kenny Rogers. His name is Jack. Peter introduces himself, saying they have a mutual friend named Mr. Beck. They say they know no Mr. Beck, and that they're there on business. If Peter gets in their way, he may get hurt. Then they leave.
[MP, Kyle's Apt] Amanda stops by to tell Jane she may have a job opportunity for her. Amanda explains the agency just landed an account with a fairly large clothing retailer by giving them the impression AWA is an agency with an art department "fluent in fashion." I guess time heals wounds, as well as erases memories, about how bad Jane's fashions really were. Anyway, Amanda was hoping Jane could help her out... for cheap. Much to Amanda's surprise however, Jane has gotten a little more business savvy, and suggests she and Amanda have lunch to negotiate. Amanda agrees to meet her at Ca'Brea at 1:00 tomorrow. Then Michael arrives, and Amanda hopes aloud that Jane has outgrown him as well. She leaves. Michael tells Jane he was just trying to do the right thing by having Taylor stay with him until the baby is born, and hopes that this won't be the reason he loses Jane. Jane admits seeing Taylor's fat stomach stirred some sort of maternal instinct in her, and thoughts of having Michael's baby had entered her recent fantasies. Michael suggests Jane come out to the beach house and help him with Taylor, and how the whole experience could be a possible practice run for them. Jane smiles, kisses, and agrees.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Billy is heading out for a jog, when Jennifer chases him through the living room, demanding a good-bye kiss before he leaves. Billy doesn't seem to want to kiss, but Jennifer insists. When they do, some sort of thunder-noise is heard, and the scene is suddenly the kissing scene between Billy and Alison when she left for Atlanta, with an incorrect color palette, similar to what occurs when surfing with a computer that only has 1 meg of video RAM. (Those FX guys working overtime on this episode!) The scene flashes back to Billy and Jennifer and Jennifer asks, "What's wrong?" Billy, feeling as though someone just applied a Photoshop filter to his body, replies "Nothing, I'm just going for a run." With that, he walks out. When Jennifer peers through the window shades to watch Billy leave, however, she sees him stop for a moment and sit on the steps, shaking his head.
[Wilshire Memorial] Amanda shows up at the Wilshire Memorial with an injury. When Peter sees her, he fears the worst, and runs over quickly to see what the problem is. Amanda explains that it's "...just a work accident, that's all." This doesn't help Peter in the least, knowing the range of accidents that can befall someone working in an office -- paper cuts, temporary blindness from staring at a copy machine without putting the cover down first, the list is endless. Once Peter is assured Amanda is all right, he runs into his office to phone Mr. Mafia, wanting to stop the deal. Only he can't get ahold of him. Peter tells the answering service he wants to cancel the arrangement. Knowing how well answering services prioritize messages, I'm sure this one got delivered to Mr. Beck pronto...
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Even though Jennifer is leaving for Italy tomorrow, she's still working at the bar! As if that extra $25 she makes will really help them out. Jennifer confides in Megan, telling her how she and Billy have advanced from the Groping Stage to Stage 2 (I told you it would only last about an episode), the stage where Billy seems to be withdrawing from her. Megan gives Jennifer advice, telling her to simply ignore his behavior, adding "After all, he's a guy." Now, if I were Jennifer, I would think twice before taking advice from the same woman who suggested her fiance marry another woman for a year. Meanwhile, Lexi, who has no business anymore, seems to be taking up a new career as Upstairs groupie bitch. She tells Megan not to worry about Coop, that despite the familiarity of husbands and wives, she'll try to keep her guard up against Coop's advances, which are already starting to occur. Megan responds by saying that she and Coop married their hearts out along the ocean one day, and in a year's time, she'll be as rich as Lexi. Which isn't much to be happy about, considering Lexi's entire $5 million is going to pay for her father's embezzlement and that Lexi will again be penniless. But hey, Megan's blonde, remember?
[Wilshire Memorial] The doors to ER fly open and Jane shows up with Taylor, who is being wheeled into the hospital on a gurney. Apparently, while Jane and Taylor were talking at the beach house, the contractions started. This is the most "labor" Taylor's done in ages! Taylor tells Michael that she and Jane bonded, adding that Jane is much more understanding than Michael ever was. Taylor agrees to have Jane stay at the beach house and help with the pregnancy. Everyone is smiles.
[Marina Condo] Coop returns home and finds Lexi dressed, or undressed, as the case may be. He demands to know what Lexi said to Megan at the jazz club earlier that evening. But instead of answering him, Lexi uses the old "Why don't you be a man and take control of the situation" trap, causing Coop to lose control, rip her clothes off and devour her right there on the sofa. Poor guy, there was no hope. The next morning, a naked Lexi purrs from her horizontal position on the couch, "Is it morning already?" Coop, also in the buff, but sitting at the kitchen table, answers, "Barely." Get it? Anyway, Coop demands Lexi keep quiet about this. Lexi promises she will. Then she suggests Coop put the money into a joint account, something that a married couple would do. Coop realizes, if he doesn't, Lexi may pull a Linda Tripp on him and get diarrhea of the mouth.
[Beach House] Taylor peeks in on Michael and Jane sleeping together in the bedroom, while she has to sleep by herself on the couch. Jane goes out to make sure Taylor's okay. Taylor admits she's not the right person for Michael, in fact, not for anyone. Then she starts talking about what a bad mutha' she'll be, as though Spelling has a gun to her head and is force feeding her the words. Taylor segues to suggesting that Jane and Michael be the parents of her baby. Jane tries to convince Taylor otherwise, saying she'll be a fine parent.
[MP, Billy's Apt] Attention! Not only do we get the return of Jane, but the return of Pool Boy, too! Wow, will the surprises never end? Meanwhile, in Billy's apt, Jennifer is busy packing Billy's clothes, while making the statement that it's hard to pack for a trip like this since it's not a vacation. Considering the fact they're moving there, it shouldn't be that hard to figure out they take everything. Billy saunters in, saying they need to talk. Jennifer asks what's wrong. The odds-on favorite would be her recent hairdo, making her look like Medusa with a hair full of snakes. However, Billy tells her about the FAX he received from Alison, whom he describes as his "friend." Jennifer reminds him Alison was more than just a friend, that he almost married her once. I was then waiting for Billy to correct her and say they almost married every season. Instead, Billy tells Jennifer about Alison's problems with alcohol and how he wants to go to Atlanta to help her out. Jennifer asks to see the FAX. Billy pulls the FAX out from his breast pocket, close to his heart, where he's probably been carrying it since the first moment he got it. He lets Jennifer read it, and she freaks, especially at the part about "I'll always love you, and would like to see you one more time." Jennifer understands Billy is being honest with her, but asks whether he's being honest with himself. This causes Billy to stand up and leave, saying he can't have this conversation, most likely because it would be the longest dialogue he's had in months, and that much memorization is tough for the struggling actor. So Billy makes like an Andrew and Shues.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] If you want to be depressed, Upstairs is the place to be tonight. In one corner, Megan and Coop duke it out, Megan grilling him about Lexi, asking whether she's been trying to seduce him. From behind the bar, Jennifer is wearing a gigantic inverted smile, while on the other side of the bar, Peter is getting lost in yet another McBride scotch. Peter notices Jack and the thin man sitting at a table again. Amanda says goodnight to Kyle and leaves and the two thugs follow. When Peter sees this, he tries to run after them, but is stopped by Kyle, who thinks Peter is after his wife again. Peter tells him he could care less about either of them, then runs out into the parking lot. Amanda's already driven away, but Peter manages to stop the two hoodlums. Peter tells them the deal is off, and if money's an issue, he'll pay them more than Beck. Well, the Kenny Rogers dude takes Peter and "Jacks him off." As Peter lay on the parking lot asphalt, the thin man says, "See what happens when you get Jack mad?" Then the two stiffs take off after Amanda.
[Streets of West Hollywood] Amanda pulls up to a stop sign when she gets hit from behind by a car driven by the two thugs. This is an old trick used in Florida a lot, and you'd think Amanda would be aware of this tactic, having grown up there during her life as a Parezi. But apparently, she's forgotten the famous tourist scam, so when she steps out of her car, the wail of that all-to-familiar electric guitar cries out and you can't help but cringe in anticipation. Moments later, Amanda is ambushed from behind, drugged, and tossed into the back seat, and the car drives off in the overused slo-mo ending shot.
[To Be Continued...]
Last Modified August 25, 1998 |
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