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Melrose Place
[Wilshire Memorial] Out in the parking lot, Megan walks Coop to the hospital entrance, throwing out suggestions on how the two of them should spruce up her, I mean, their place. Coop tells her they're not spending any of her father's bequest because come divorce time, Coop wants to leave a rich man. Lexi catches a glimpse of Peter out of the corner of her eye, so she gives Coop a wet french kiss before Coop can head in for work. After seeing the tongue-disappearing act, Peter comments to Lexi, "Well, you two are pretty friendly." And I thought everyone kissed like that in La La Land. Lexi informs Peter she and Coop married the night before, and also that no man will ever step on her again. That's nice. :-) Meanwhile, inside the hospital, the receptionist, Kary, who should be sitting behind the desk back at the office, is instead hounding Michael. She asks if they're still on for later that night, but Michael tells her something came up and he has to cancel. Kary asks, "What's her name?" Michael tries to brush her off, but Kary continues, "You know, you come on to me, you imply advancement at the job, I put out then you cut me off. Some people might call that actionable sexual harassment." Hmm, I wonder what Monica called it? Anyway, Michael then sees Megan down the hall and runs over to comfort her, telling her he heard all about Coop marrying Lexi. Megan sees through Michael's glazed compassion and tells him to cut back on the sugar. Then Coop sees Megan and pulls her into a broom closet or somewhere, where Megan immediately starts pouting and complaining about having to give up her ring during the wedding ceremony the night before (where I accidentally wrote "Kyle" instead of Coop in last week's summary... I blame it on late nights in front of my computer!) But Coop manages to worm his way out of the situation by simply using the "L" word on Megan, who melts in his hand, and his mouth. Yes, before you know it, the two of them get down and use the broom closet for what it was meant for... quickie sex!
[AWA, Conference Room] Billy is just finishing up delivering another lame advertising campaign, this time a Bruno, hey, I just realized I don't even know what the ad was trying to sell. But it doesn't matter because Giorgio, the client, is impressed. Actually, most impressed! Why is it, you have to have a name like Giorgio in order to be in the fashion industry? (What's worse, is the actor's real first name is "Luigi." I don't know what's worse!) Georgia states that their company has decided that future campaigns will be in-house, in Rome, and says sadly (although you couldn't tell by the actor's facial expression -- yes, he's actually worse than Shue), Amanda has declined joining their company. He asks if maybe he could spend some time with Billy to discuss their winter campaign. Amanda agrees, and Billy and Georgia go off to discuss details. Sam tries to impress Georgia by blurting out, "Ciao!" but it's obvious Giorgio is gay and has his eye on the Campbell-meister. After everyone else in the room leaves, Sam whines to Amanda "It's so unfair that he gets to go to Rome and I have to go to USA (Network)." Amanda admits she would rather have Billy stay at the agency, and agrees to help Sam by arranging a meeting with Georgia for her.
[Beach House] Michael is busy packing his suitcase for a trip to Chicago to attend his college reunion, when Taylor walks in. She wants to go too, but Michael refuses, causing her to think aloud, "Who are you really visiting?" Hmm, Chicago? If I had to guess, I'd say it wasn't Syd.
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter is late for his weekly head shrinking session. Peter asks what the doctor thinks about dreams. The doctor replies that he finds some people's dreams rather dull and boring, while others' are really stimulating. Peter tells the doctor he's been having one dream repeatedly. Peter begins by describing Amanda in a really hot red dress -- very sexy. I'm eagerly waiting for the scene to cut to a ethereal look with Amanda wearing a shred of red material the TV censors will accept as a dress, but no luck. Only dreams on this show lately are fat women trying to kill themselves. Anyway, when Peter continues, saying he then gets physically assertive, and Amanda responds by ravishing him, the psychiatrist's glasses fog up and he has to bring his hand to his face as if to suppress moans of ecstasy. Peter swears he and Amanda are on the same wavelength, that he knows what she wants him to do, not what she says she wants him to do. The shrink, having a hard time following Peter here, suggests Peter go out and party.
[MP Courtyard] Jeff Baylor arrives for his date with Sam. He's going to take her out for pizza. Only Sam's forgotten about the pizza and has an Italian salami on her mind instead, specifically Giorgio's. Sam tells Jeff something just came up and if everything works right, she may land a job in Rome. When Jeff hears this, his warm, sensitive side immediately oozes to the surface-- "Hey, where does that leave me?" he yells. I said sensitive, I just didn't say who's feelings I was referring to!
[Upstairs Jazz Club] For those who live each week, more interested in catching a glimpse of the guest artist rather what's going on between the sheets, this week we have Diana Krall singing. For everyone else, while Sam broke the news to her love buddy, Jeff, Billy does the same to his monkey spanker. He tells Jennifer all about Italy, and how it's a country that looks like a boot. Jennifer is so excited, and hints that she'd like to be with him if he goes. First, she mentions that she's worn Italian boots before. But when that fails to get a rise out of Campbell, she notes that she can speak Italian. Still, Billy seems to be a man-without-a-clue. When Billy says he has to leave and work on his resume, Jennifer croons, "I can help you, mio amore." Unfortunately, Billy doesn't understand what she's saying to he replies, "Okay, see ya back at the apartment" and runs out. Meanwhile, Lexi and Coop are having drinks together and with Jordan, who's making sure they're really "married." When Megan sees them, jealously takes over. She pours Coop a drink, sans glass, right into his lap.
[Chicago] Michael meets some of his old classmates at his college reunion. He strolls over a bulletin board, where a bunch of photos pasted to sheets of colored construction paper are hanging. Perusing the kindergarten artwork, Michael eyes a photo labeled "Hottest couple of '88." It's a photo of him and Jane, back when she had short hair. Suddenly, Michael feels the camera is out of focus on something to his left, so he turns and looks... drum roll please... there's Jaaaaaaaannnnnneeeeee. Yes, short hair and all. Michael's face lights up. He makes up the excuse that he was in town for a medical convention and just happened to stop by. He boasts that his business is booming, so much so he's written off women this year. She says she's really busy too, working and hanging with fartsy, or artsy people. He asks if she wants to go off and have a drink in the hotel lobby, promising not to try any funny business, but she says she's too busy. So he suggests tomorrow night, but she declines again, saying that's the night of the pre-wedding party. It ends up she's getting married again, even though she's only been gone for a year or so. And you wonder why the divorce rate is over 50%? Michael pastes on a smile and congratulates her, and the two part company. As she leaves, Michael pulls the photo from its pink paper background and holds it close.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Jennifer calls Michael in Chicago as he's packing to come home, and starts interrogating him on why he's in Chicago in the first place. Michael tells her it's none of her business, to which she replies, "Okay, don't jump down my throat." (Why all the Lewinsky references this week?) Anyway, the reason Jennifer is calling is in regards to the "Billy thing." Everyone is so embarrassed by the stupidity of this storyline that none of them can even refer to it by anything other than the "Billy thing." Michael tells her that if Billy didn't ask her to go right away, it's implied she's history. Michael mentions he saw Jane and Jennifer tells him to get her back. Jennifer hasn't been giving much advice lately, so when Michael mentions to her that Jane is getting married, Jennifer jumps at another opportunity at dishing some advice, ordering Michael to get over to Jane's and stop the wedding. Michael replies that he has no intention of doing that, hangs up the phone and starts unpacking.
[AWA] Jeff Baylor stops by to tell Sam some more of his "Me, Me, Me" crap. And all these years I thought Mohammed Ali was The Greatest. This time, Jeff whines that he's going to pursue a job as a sportscaster. He says he's going back East for some job interviews, obviously figuring he might be able to "accidentally" bump into Sam in Rome. Only he's still not sure whether she meant Rome, NY, or Rome, GA, and he's too damn proud to ask her which one now. He says he won't be made a fool of anymore, another one of his last-ditch efforts laying a guilt trip on Sam in order to get her to come crawling back. After a dramatic pause, the has-been baseball player leaves.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Billy storms in, fuming over the news that Sam is trying to wheedle the Georgia job out from under him. He comes up with a plan to have an Italian-style family dinner at the apt, but ruins the idea by suggesting Jennifer do the cooking. Jennifer agrees, but can't hold her feelings in any longer, afraid Billy is going to dump her (for Georgia?), and starts crying. Billy comes running to comfort her, completely baffled as to why the tears, unless it's because of that terrible haircut she has. And those bobby pins don't help. Jennifer tells him the real reason she's bawling is because she doesn't want him to leave her. Billy says, "That's thilly." They hug.
[Chicago] Michael stays another night, and shows up uninvited at Jane's parents' house where the pre-wedding party is being held. He asks some of the guests where the bride could be found, and they point to the groom, who appears to be preoccupied hunting tail. Figuring wherever the groom can be found, the bride must be nearby, Michael follows the hunter, catching him sneaking into a small laundry room. Michael opens the door to the room, where he finds the guy making out with some blonde chick who has much worse hair than Jane's. Michael can't believe the guy is cheating even before the wedding, and the two start wrestling. The party stops, and Jane rushes in. She explains that she had stretched the truth a little, and that although there really is a wedding, she's not the bride.
[Megan's Car] Coop zooms up and parks in some neighborhood street behind Megan's car. Coop hops out as best one can with an erection, and plops himself into the passenger seat of Megan's love mobile. The two apologize about the incident at the club. They start fondling when Coop states he hasn't done this sort of thing since high school. Which brings a smile to Megan's face as she says this is how she "lettered" in her high school. Then Megan proceeds to perform a Lewinsky on him. And this way, in case they're caught, Coop can disavow having had any sexual relations, as defined by the law, his marriage to Lexi will remain intact, and the $10 million will be safe.
[MP, Peter's Apt] Yes, Peter has now moved back to the Melrose Place complex. When Amanda shows up to pick up the rent check, dressed in red, it's like a scene out of Peter's dream. So he does like he thinks she wants, rather than what she said she wants, by reaching out and kissing her. Not once, but twice. Amanda pushes him back, hoping his tongue still has enough saliva left to lick a stamp, and tells him to mail the rent check instead.
[Chicago] Michael and Jane go for a short walk. I guess this is supposed to be sort of a "When Harry Met Sally" moment, hairdo and all. They reminisce about season one, then part.
[AWA] Billy approaches Amanda in her office, pissed that she's backing Sam on this Rome job. Amanda explains she wants him to stay. He says he wants to leave L.A., he's in love, blah, blah, blah, and that he keeps tripping over bad memories here. Yes, all these years, all these bad memories, yet Billy was always too afraid to even move across the STREET from the apartment complex. Yet now he's moving half way around the world, to a country where he can't even speak the language, and the pizza sucks? In one breath, Amanda informs Billy he can't run away from his memories, then in the next breath, agrees to call Georgia with her endorsement.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Megan stops by to see Jennifer, hoping somebody will listen to her sob story. The one about being born a blonde. But Jennifer tells her today is not a good day because she is too busy rolling dough to make pretzels or something. Apparently, it's for the family dinner with Georgia later that evening. Then the phone rings, and the best conversation of the week ensues. (You should visit the website to hear the dialogue -- I'm sure it'll be in the top five!) Anyway, Michael calls to make sure his baby sis is all right. She tells him she and Billy will be moving to Rome soon, causing Michael to bolt up from the hotel bed. When she tells him Billy loves her, Michael tells her that love isn't a word, but just a sound, "... like Pavlov's dog drooling at a dinner bell." Michael says he'll be home to fix this situation.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Diana Krall is still singing, non-stop. Peter, drunk the way he was the last time Amanda had dumped him, is wobbling at the bar when Amanda strolls in. Peter sees her and heads over to apologize. Only Amanda doesn't want him near her and brushes him back. She tells Peter is lease is up at the end of the month. Kyle, who apparently spends more time watching his musical acts than the patrons at the bar, only now notices Peter. Kyle runs over telling Peter he heard about what happened last night, and that Peter is not welcome at the club anymore. A big fracas is about to break out, when who should step in but Lexi. What's most surprising is she is sober for a change, complete with good posture, and she volunteers to escort Peter out of the club. The one thing I've learned from this show is that when you have a problem, you should lose it in a bottle.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] In the middle of the Georgia dinner, Samantha simply walks through the door uninvited. The first thing Jennifer should have learned is, in West Hollywood, you never leave the front door unlocked. But the damage is done, and Sam begins her campaign for the job in Italy. While they're bickering, the phone rings, and Michael tells Jennifer to put him on speakerphone and he'll handle everything. Only once she does, Michael proceeds to tell Billy to forget about trying to drag Jennifer with him to Italy, and tells the Italian guy that Billy is taking advantage of his sister. Georgia likes that bit about "taking advantage of someone." Then Michael gets a knock on his door. Thinking it's the bellhop there to take his bag down, Michael opens the door a crack and without looking, tells the guy the bag's by the door. Michael walks back to the phone where he resumes his conversation with Billy, Jennifer, Sam, and Georgia. Touching music begins to play, and Michael tells them they don't know the true meaning of love, and he goes into a long speech about the ups and downs of a relationship, and how you never know it's the right person until you wake up one morning in a cold bed and realize something's missing in your life, and it's only at that point that you realize how much you've missed her, his diatribe ending up being about his ruined relationship with Jane and how he's missed her all these years. Then Michael turns and realizes the person at the door was not a hotel employee but the woman he's been talking about. The two of them embrace, leading to the typical exercise activity on this show. Meanwhile, Billy realizes he does love Jennifer and proposes to her on the spot, causing Sam to puke, figuratively.
[Chicago] Michael ends up spending yet another night in Chicago. But this time, he's leaving for sure. Jane tells him last night was wonderful. They promise to keep in touch, understanding that she would never want to step back into L.A. Jane thanks him for everything, including the great sex, saying some things never change. Michael quips, "Nothing never changes, not even me." Don't ask me to explain. It's not that I don't not want to explain it, it's just some things should just be left as is...
[Marina Condo] Megan comes over and fools around with Coop, only to be caught when Lexi arrives home unexpectedly. Lexi orders Megan out. Some pushing and shoving and jiggling of certain bodily parts occurs. Finally, Megan storms out. Coop grabs Lexi by the head, bangs her against the wall in frustration, then says he has to get out of there before he kills her. Apparently, he hasn't been gratified for at least 24 hours and his eyes are about to pop out of their sockets.
[Some Mansion Somewhere] Peter stops by to pay Mr. Beck a visit. Who's Mr. Beck you ask? Hell, I don't know. I guess it's some guy who Peter saved, when all other doctors had written him off. By the scratch in his voice, he probably has the same occupation as Marlon Brando did in "The Godfather," which is basically, to wear a tuxedo around one's own house and make offers no one can refuse. Mr. Beck sees something is troubling Peter, and offers his help. Peter leans forward and says, "There's this woman I know. She owns an advertising agency..." And just when you thought the "Billy thing" storyline was out in left field, this one comes along.
[AWA] Amanda is just getting off the phone with Alison Parker when Billy enters her office. He hears Alison's name, and demands to know how long Amanda's been in contact with her. So Amanda tells him she's been talking with Alison ever since she left. Funny how they weren't very good friends in person, but are now buddies via long distance. Just then, Sam approaches, but hearing the conversation between Billy and Amanda causes Sam to stop just short of the door, within eavesdropping distance. Amanda explains that Alison called for a reference for a new job after losing the previous one. When Billy hears this, he puts on one of the silliest faces I've seen in ages. Amanda continues, telling him that rehab centers to Alison are like gin joints to Bogart. When Sam hears that Alison is entering yet another treatment program, she starts to drool uncontrollably. Who knows? I've seen Ally McBeal, and I don't if did receive "an incredible 10 Emmy nominations." That show won't last. Who gives a crap about dancing babies stolen off the Internet and worked into a script? Alison should come back to Melrose, where life is portrayed in a more realistic light.
[Tampa, FL] While most people consider Florida as part of the South, Jeff considers it part of the East. Admittedly, Florida is a good state to choose, considering it seems they get another expansion team every 6 months or so. He gets a phone call from Sam, says she wants to make things right with him. Of course, she squishes her eyes shut and cringes as she says this. She tells Baylor she wants to be by his side, wherever that may be. She asks whether he's been in Atlanta yet, another big East city. When he answers that he won't be there for another few days, Sam can't do anything but bite her lip.
[Beach House] Michael finally arrives home. Taylor, having waited days for him to return, can finally take a warm shower. Of course, the second she steps into the bathroom, the phone rings. It's Jane calling from her car phone. Michael can't believe the clarity, and if he didn't know better, he'd swear she was calling from Sepulveda Blvd. But she's not, she's really calling from PCH (Okay, so only those in Southern Cal understand this one.) She tells Michael he was right; she deserves a good life, and she's decided to try it here, back in Cali-4-ni-a.
[To Be Continued...]
Last Modified August 18, 1998 |
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