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Melrose Place
[Church] Coop and Megan, dressed as a pair of wedding cake ornaments, are greeted by a reverend, who looks like he just finished a stint in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. For a brief moment you think, these two just might be getting married. But when you notice that Megan is wearing white, you realize it's just another dream. For those of us with slower brains than Megan, strange music starts playing as Lexi is dragged into the by a corrections officer, reinforcing the fact this is really, really, really, a dream. Lexi gets strapped to a vertical table and is executed by lethal injection, as Megan and Coop pledge their wedding vows. Only, at the last minute, Megan shouts, "No, no, no" which means the scene will shortly segue to her lying in bed, which it does. She tells Coop all about her dream, after which, Coop tries to calm her by saying, "You were dreaming." Duh.
[MP Courtyard] Amanda returns home from yet another divorce/vacation, where Peter is waiting to welcome her home with a bouquet of red roses. Just so everyone knows where she's been for two weeks, and who doesn't, Amanda says, "It's been a long trip from the Dominican Republic." To which Peter replies, "I broke up with Lexi and I'm in love with you." Amanda calls it crazy. Peter continues, explaining "You're divorced from Kyle, and I'm separated from Lexi..." Amanda interrupts him, correcting him by saying she and Kyle are NOT divorced after all. "But that's why you went down there" Peter quips. Amanda explains, "I know, but it's a two-episode story. The bottom line is, we got married again." Kyle enters, the two new-newlyweds head upstairs, and Peter leaves, dejected.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael, who would rather visit Taylor than eat hospital food in the cafeteria, pays the pregnant nuisance a visit. Taylor's there for an ultrasound. Taylor grabs Michael's hand and places it on her bulge, telling him to feel the sucker kick. Michael explains it's natural to kick since she's its mother, adding "I'm not surprised he's not screaming bloody murder of holding up a liquor store." Taylor's doctor, Ellen, enters and Taylor introduces Michael as the daddy. Michael chokes, then asks Ellen to keep that news quiet, explaining, "A story like this can get around THIS hospital like an epidemic." No one ever said Wilshire Memorial was a very sterile environment! Ellen whips on her rubber (which Michael probably wished he had done a few months ago), then brings up the unborn baby on the video monitor. She gives two pictures of the baby to Taylor and Michael in case they wanted to get it a passport.
[High School Baseball Diamond] Baseball practice has just started. Jeff Baylor, now coaching some high school team, is busy lecturing one of his players about keeping up his grades. Like the kid's really going to listen, considering Baylor never finished high school himself. Samantha arrives, her hair dolled-up like an attractive Pippi Longstocking. She tells Jeff that the mourning over her divorce is over (the customary one episode), and she's ready to play ball, or at least, ball. They start kissing, and the players head back into the locker room, knowing practice is good and over for the day.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Lexi is back in the bar downing martinis after being bailed out by Peter the good Samaritan. Lexi describes her incarceration in sordid detail, saying "You know they took my picture too. My new name is 26401," sounding like a scene from Les Mis. Megan refuses to serve Lexi any more alcohol, followed by some "Truman Story-esque" product placement when Lexi coos, "Megan, if I wanted coffee I would've gone to Starbucks." Coop shows up, and Megan asks that he escort Lexi home. So, exit Lexi. Enter Amanda and Kyle, who look sweet as sugar together, although you know they're more like Nutrasweet... all artificial.
[Peter's Marina Condo] Seconds after leaving Upstairs, Lexi and Coop arrive back at the condo in Marina del Rey, which makes me wonder, where is Peter staying these days? Lexi stumbles around doing a bad Alison impression and strips out of her dress in the living room. Boy, does she have bad posture. Again, she asks Coop to marry her, and even makes a motion toward the bedroom. Coop brushes her off, then immediately consoles her, copping a feel or two, when she breaks down crying, "Nobody cares, nobody cares." That's right. Next!
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office] Michael starts flirting with Kary, the new receptionist temp. Michael asks her who she likes best, then adds that Coop's taken and Peter's a little unstable. She hesitates, so Michael prods her saying "Come on, come on." (Something I'm sure he'll find himself saying to her again on their date later in the episode!) Peter, watching in disgust, pulls Michael into his office. Peter tells Michael the last thing he wants is a sexual harassment suit, causing Michael to think Peter's jealous. Peter defends himself by saying he's getting his love life back together with someone he cares about. Michael goes through the female cast list, and concludes Peter must be referring to Amanda. So Michael gives Peter some advice about old loves, "Stop chasing ex-wives, former lovers and old flames." But what other choice does Peter have since no new characters have been added lately?
[MP, Lexi's Apt] Megan pays Lexi a visit, trying to make Megan feel sorry for her. Lexi tells her the IRS is trying to seize her assets, as well as the book that holds the secret to what Sterling-Conway Enterprises' business really is. Lexi grovels, telling Megan if Coop doesn't marry her, her life as she knows it is over. Hmm, then maybe she'd have to work like every other Joe Schmo. Anyway, just before leaving, Lexi turns to Megan and says, "Megan, you're my only hope," sending Megan into that famous Obi-Wan syndrome which can lead to years of psychiatric care.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Speaking of psychiatric care, Peter is at the bar, enjoying as best as one can, a McBride scotch. Amanda and Kyle arrive for dinner. Amanda pulls Peter aside, telling him she hopes he understands the rules. Peter nods. Still, she wonders why the sudden rebirth of affections towards her. Peter explains his feelings were uncovered in a therapy session. Amanda's happy he's in therapy, since everyone knows just how well that works on this show.
[Beach House] Michael finds that Taylor has been spending a fortune on baby paraphernalia. He asks her who's paying for all of this, to which Taylor answers, "You are. And in exchange, you'll have the cutest baby on the block." Michael comments, "I don't want any baby at all. They cry, they burp, and they're money pits. First clothes, then toys, then braces -- it never ends!" Excuse me, but what's the difference between that and any of the women he's dated lately?
[Upstairs] It's the big shindig, Amanda and Kyle's wedding reception. It's also the longest scene of this week's episode. Thankfully, as Spelling drags us through the endless dribble like a Laugh-In party gone awry, at least we can actually listen to some Kenny G-ish music by David Koz. Happiness between the new couple is short-lived, however, when Mario, chef expert, runs upstairs saying he forgot how to cook, and damn, if it just happens to coincide on the night that the famous food critic, Francine Carlson from the Herald, decided to eat dinner there. When Peter steps in and offers to keep Amanda company, Kyle runs downstairs to whip some potatoes, not to mention some other chefs' asses. Peter asks Amanda for a dance, and as they sway, he tries to feel out just how stable her marriage with Kyle really is. Amanda gets tired of the 20 questions, so she leaves to go downstairs and get into Kyle's way in the kitchen. In corner two, Michael chomps on beer nuts with Kary, the receptionist. She admits she hates children, saying "They drive me nuts. You know, spitting up, crying, screaming -- that stuff is not for me." Yet she still wants to go out with Michael? Kary, who's so very, quickly suggests they sneak off to the beach and watch the sun come up. Oh no! Not another blonde bimbo who doesn't know the west coast is where the sun sets, not rises. Michael doesn't care, promising her she'll see something beautiful rise before the night's over, and they scurry out. Next, we go to corner number three, where Megan talks to Coop about the Lexi marriage-thing. Megan doesn't understand how they can just turn their backs on Lexi in her "time of need." Megan says, "Call me sensitive, call me a push-over..." How about, can we call you stupid? If Coop really loves Megan, then he'd agree to marry Lexi. Classic Melrose logic. Coop agrees to the marriage.
[MP Courtyard] Billy and Jennifer, apparently the only ones not invited to the reception, spend the evening in the pool, getting wrinkly fingertips, as well as shriveling body parts. As they're chewing on each others' lips, Sam arrives home. Even though Sam spent the day letting Jeff hit home runs, she still acts appalled at the site of her soon-to-be ex enjoying the backstroke in the pool. Sam storms into her apt and calls Jeff, but only gets his answering machine. She leaves a long, drawn out message, but timed just perfectly to end dramatically a split second before the machine beeps and cuts her off.
[Michael's Mustang] Kary starts cleaning Michael's ear while they're on their way to the beach. You'd think this would make Michael's driving a bit more erratic than usual (remember what happened when Kimberly did that to him!), but surprisingly enough, some nut comes up from behind driving worse than Michael. The car swerves around Michael's, and they both come to a stop along the dirt shoulder. Michael jumps out screaming, only the driver of the white car is screaming even louder. Only this lunatic is screaming that his wife is going to have a baby. Kary tells Michael to do his doctor stuff, so Michael has the pregnant woman lie down in the back seat. Then he has her spread her legs as wide as she can, in a position he's was hoping to get Kary in later that night. Michael proceeds to deliver the baby.
[Peter's Marina Condo] Megan and Coop knock on the door and inform Lexi that Coop will marry her for the money. Coop explains he's doing this because it's what Megan wants, and that he loves Megan with all his heart. "I'll die for her, if I have to" he exclaims. Lexi replies, "I understand, and I would never get in the way of that." Is this Spelling's sick way of foretelling Coop's untimely departure? And Lexi will just stand there and watch when it happens? Coop says they'll file for divorce exactly one year later.
[Beach House] Taylor, waiting for Michael, is fast asleep on the couch. Michael returns to the beach house the next morning, totally exhausted from the night before. Unfortunately for Michael, it wasn't Kary who wore him out, but rather the Johnsons. It seems there were complications regarding the delivery, forcing Michael to spend the rest of the night in the hospital room rather than Kary's room.
[AWA] Jeff shows up at Amanda Woodward Agency to see Sam, under the guise of being worried about her after hearing the message she had left the night before. Not worried enough to call her back that night, but worried enough to show up at her job. Sam gives Jeff a kiss, but Billy happens to walk by causing Sam to give Jeff a cheek peck rather than the normal full-tonguing. Billy catches the Kodak moment, then retreats back into his shell of an office. Sensitive Jeff gets jealous, blames Sam for using him, then storms out. Sam, of course, fails to see how she'll lose her identity when she finally does marry this obviously classic, egotistical, batterer. Instead, Sam bursts in on Amanda, blaming Billy for her roller coaster feelings, and gives Amanda an ultimatum: either Billy leaves or she leaves! Surprisingly, Amanda actually comes up with a handful of good things to say about Billy (I must've missed those episodes), justifying keeping the dweeb around. Instead, Amanda suggests Sam either grow up or do a show on a cable network! Sam pouts and leaves. Spelling obviously blew it here, in a scene where he could've axed two people with one blow. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how the demise of Campbell plays out.
[Beach] Megan and Coop sit on the sand. Coop shows Megan the wedding bands of his parents. He puts one of the bands on Megan's ring finger, and of course, it fits better than Cindy Rella's glass slipper.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Kyle is in the middle of an interview with Channel 6, a real winner-of-a-network in the Los Angeles area. Supposedly, "The Herald" liked the food so much that now "Good Day L.A." wants to do a spot! Amanda interrupts the interview, saying she needs to speak with Kyle. The interviewer, Jillian Barberir, seems perturbed, reminding Kyle her time is limited. Amanda promises it'll only "take a minute," then takes Kyle upstairs for some office sex. Jeesh! Even Rory lasted longer than that!
[Wedding Chapel] Coop marries Lexi. The dufus, however, forgot getting rings, so he whispers to Megan to let him have the one he gave her earlier. Megan doesn't quite understand, but eventually hands it over to him. Seconds after the "I Do's," Jordan, the lawyer holding the secret codicil, intervenes. He reminds them of the terms of the codicil, i.e., Coop and Lexi must "...remain married for at least a year. It must be a marriage of fact. Absolutely no one else can live in the same household. If either or both of you misrepresent yourselves or renege on any of these terms, you must go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect ten million dollars." With that, Jordan hands the couple a check for $10 million. Lexi kisses Coop in glee. As the saying goes, however, once is not enough, so Lexi pulls Coop close and plants one more on his lips. Meanwhile, Megan can only stand there and cringe, wondering how Coop could do this to her.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified August 11, 1998 |
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