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Melrose Place
[Under the Boardwalk] We pick up this week with a blurry view of Michael walking up to Taylor's Bravada, pulls her out, then gives her a few puffs on the cheek (Children, please do not practice CPR as depicted on this show!) Taylor comes back to life. Even though we're seeing this in the third person, it's still blurry for us. Michael talks to her of responsibility, and destiny -- their destiny -- his, hers, and the baby's. When you hear Michael speak of responsibility you know it must be a dream. She's so happy. Suddenly, the picture comes back into focus, and Taylor finds herself being tended to by some young Hasselhoff summer hire, who just happened to be patrolling this desolate strip of the beach and found it a little odd for a person to have their engine running with a tube from the exhaust pipe leading into the passenger compartment. Taylor coughs out "Where's Michael?" to which the life guard stutters, "I'm, I'm, gonna, uh, get some help." Folks, if this scene serves no other purpose, at least I think we just found our Billy Campbell replacement!
[Dominican Republic] With the Queen Mary docked in the background, it's a good thing the special effects crew added the caption at the bottom of the screen, "Dominican Republic." Kyle shows up at Amanda and Rory's wedding, just in time to witness Amanda throwing the "bouquet." As is the tradition in the Dominican Republic, Kyle throws the beau-kayo!, namely Rory. Kyle literally flings Rory into several rows of chairs in this Las Vegas style wedding chapel, which look as new and unused as the day they were set up. Seconds later, the church bouncers race in and throw Kyle out onto the sand. As they're dragging him out, Kyle yells wildly about not being responsible for the Christine thing.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Jennifer rambles on about when she was a kid, how Tony Danza gave her advice: "Change is good for you, Sam. Toughens you up. Makes youse stronger." Billy, staring into the distance, or a set of cue cards, says, "I feel like I'm in America's Worst Marriage Disasters, Part III." By his acting, I thought we were watching "America's Worst Home Videos." Billy continues to mumble about not seeing these things coming, giving even Jennifer a headache. She then tries to cheer Billy up, or get something up, by puckering her lips fatter than Taylor's on a bad day and planting a big juicy kiss on the loser at Love.
[Wilshire Memorial] Taylor wakes up in a hospital bed, with Michael looming over her checking on her health. "Is my baby okay?" she asks. So Michael takes his penlight out, shines it in her pupils, then informs her the baby's just fine.
[Sterling-Conway Enterprises] Special agents, FBI, the whole gamut of law enforcement is there to greet Lexi as she arrives at work. One agent, a measly looking David Birney type, explains to Lexi that her father was involved in an embezzlement scheme, and unfortunately, Lexi's John Hancock was found on several pieces of incriminating evidence. However, being in L.A., the officer extends Lexi a whole week to come up with the missing $5 million. By then, some room should have cleared up in the women's county jail at which time they can book and strip search her.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Even in Third World islands they allow you one phone call when you're arrested on assault charges, and distance is of no concern, so Kyle decides to call his restaurant/club and see who answers. Lucky for the jarhead (as Rory so fondly described him), Jennifer is there, on the clock but doing absolutely nothing. Kyle asks Jennifer to wire $500.
[Dominican Republic] Rory takes Amanda, via an inflatable, to a deserted island for their honeymoon, complete with a washed-up decrepit outhouse as a bungalow. Amanda admits she just can't help thinking what Kyle meant by her being irresponsible. Just because she ran off with some guy with a name no decent Japanese citizen would be caught dead with (Would you want to walk around being called "Loly Brake"?) and got married on a whim, where does irresponsibility come into play?
[Wilshire Memorial] Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Peter is still using his "free" hour at the staff psychiatrist's office, harping about Amanda being his one true love. Peter concludes the best thing to do is tell Lexi he doesn't bring her flowers anymore. But before Peter can race out the door to give Lexi the bad news, the doctor asks him, "What happens when this fails, and you find yourself really alone?" Duh. What kind of shrink is this? Obviously, that's when the doctor stops Peter's "freebie" sessions and really takes Peter for every cent he's got!
[Peter's Marina Condo] Peter arrives home only to find Lexi sitting in the dark, tonguing the bottom of a martini glass. Both have problems they want to get off their chests, but Lexi lets Peter speak first since, no matter what, hers is so much worse. So the doctor proceeds to tell her he is still in love with Amanda. Lexi starts bursting at the seams. Lexi deduces that Peter must've been planning to break up with her, and figured this was the meanest way he could find to do it. She tells him to get out, and not say another word (For example, "But this is my apartment!"). She slams the door on him, but not before using the word "friggin" in a sentence.
[Dominican Republic] Amanda and Rory sit uncomfortably, staring at the wind and listening at the surf. Maybe it's the drinks, but they swear they could almost see Catalina from where they are. (No expenses were spared in this location shot. Did you know, Dominican Republic means San Pedro in Spanish? Yeah, one of the few Spanish synonyms!) Amanda has become somewhat leery of Rory's intentions, getting the feeling that this honeymoon was planned with ulterior motives in mind. So Rory admits that this marriage was more like a partnership, a convenience for Amanda in order to keep Kyle away. But he wants to know what's in it for him (as if the sex wasn't good enough!) He suggests she give him half her agency. Knowing how much he rode horses (remember, he was introduced at a riding stable), she quickly stops him saying, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" She reminds him they each have their own businesses, "...and never the twain shall ever meet." Rory promises her she'll regret that decision, then heads off to engage in her newfound passion since arriving in the Dominican Republic. That is, she goes off to take another shower. As soon as she leaves the scene, Rory pulls out a vial of some sort of drug (Customs officials don't give a rat's ass what sort of drugs you bring to their country, it's just what you bring back that matters.) . He then proceeds to pour it into Amanda's champagne flute.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising] With the boss out on some island, what better place for Billy and Sam to discuss their impending break-up but at work. They both agree to divorce, but know the paperwork takes 6 months, oblivious to WHY their boss is in the Dominican Republic in the first place. Anyway, Billy offers the apartment to Sam, but she says he's been living there for so long now that he should keep it. Billy adds, "Too long." I can see the storyline already. Billy leaves the show because he felt he had lived in his apartment too long. At least Sam gets to keep her life rather than leave the show by whacking her head in the pool or getting run over by a car, although moving to Arizona or somewhere with jerk-off Jeff is pretty boring.
[Peter's Marina Condo] Peter comes over to get his stuff. Lexi tells him he's worthless to her unless he can give her $5 million, so Peter tells her about the secret codicil in her father's will, worth $10 million if she marries Coop. Lexi thinks this idea is sick, sick, sick! Then thanks Peter for the idea. I don't know about you, but the "Just woke up Lexi look" ain't half bad.
[Dominican Republic] Kyle finally gets out of jail, but by the time he returns to the hotel, he is told that Mr. and Mrs. Blake checked out yesterday, and that they probably left for the States. Kyle asks, "When is your next flight to California?" Unfortunately, something gets lost in the translation and the concierge answers, "I'm afraid you missed it. There's one flight a day, same time every day." Kyle curses. Of course, he still doesn't know when that one flight leaves, but he walks away nonetheless satisfied by the answer. Meanwhile, in honeymoon bay, Amanda is moaning in bed as Rory continues pumping her -- with poison that is. The strangest thing is he's never had a more satisfied look on his face that I can remember.
[Wilshire Memorial Parking Lot] Lexi catches Coop in the parking lot. She asks him to marry her and split the $10 million 50-50, saying, "I know about daddy's secret cotillion." Hey, Coop never said he picked them for their smarts. Despite the fact Lexi will go to jail in a matter of days unless she can come up with the missing $5 million, Coop decides now is the time to right the righteous horse, saying he'd give up all the money in the world if it would stop him from marrying Megan. So he declines the offer of an easy $5 million. Of course, the girls in Coop's life never said they picked him for his smarts either.
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael sneaks up behind Peter and grabs some incriminating paperwork Peter is reading, tearing it to shreds. Peter informs Michael that Taylor told him that Michael is possibly the father. Peter suggests Michael tell her, otherwise he will.
[Dominican Republic] Rory tells a bed ridden Amanda that he's poisoned her, first with the champagne, then with the tea. A legal dose of Digi-Viagra, or something like that. He tells her all she had to do was give him half of everything she owned, but she refused. Blah, blah, blah. What I can't believe is that the candles on the bamboo table under the stars remain lit despite the heavy winds blowing. Am I watching the wrong thing here? Anyway, as Amanda curls up in a ball in her bed, Rory takes out his knife and proceeds to stab their rubber raft to death, a la O.J.
[Dominican Republic] Kyle, still loitering on the island without a clue as to what time that one flight departs each day, decides to pay that dweeb hospitality manager with the weak Andre Agassi-look another visit. Proving that name calling does work, Kyle calls the agent "puke face," causing the guy to get diarrhea of the mouth. He tells Kyle everything, including where Amanda and Rory are spending their honeymoon. Kyle runs off, knowing exactly where they must be.
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office] Actually, I have no idea who really works here anymore, but let me just say, in this scene, Michael is sitting behind one of the desks. He calls Taylor and tells her he's the father of her baby, not Nick. Taylor, playing couch potato in her apartment, almost orgasms when she hears this news. She is so excited. Michael says he's got to go and slams down the receiver. Taylor, talking on a cordless, can't slam it down in the same fashion, so instead she slams it down on her protruding belly. Poor baby, already sucked down carbon monoxide and now a whack with a cordless phone!
[Dominican Republic] Kyle shows up, so Rory pretends to welcome him, telling him that Amanda is really sick. Kyle runs in to see Amanda. All she can do is say, "Kyle. Kyle." Then her eyes bulge like she has a thyroid problem, causing Kyle to turn around just before Rory can stab him in the back. I guess all that practice stabbing the rubber raft did Rory no good whatsoever. Rory and Kyle wrestle about for a few seconds, triggering memories of his days on "Silk Stalkings." Kyle gives Rory a couple of Karate moves, sending Rory flying out of the bungalow. Rory crashes to the sand, proceeding to stab himself in the stomach with the knife. He looks up for a second, then dies. What a waste of a character.
[Michael's Condo] Michael arrives home to find Taylor busy slaving in the kitchen. She's so happy now that he's finally admitted to being the father. Taylor just wants to have company during this arduous time of hers. She drops another bomb, telling Michael the amio test results show that she's going to have a little Mikey.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] You would think that Jennifer and Jeff could have dinner somewhere else, anywhere else but at this restaurant. Jennifer is probably working right upstairs, and Billy's probably a breath away losing himself in another scotch. Sam tells Jeff she's getting a divorce. Jeff responds by saying, "That must be... difficult." Translation: "How long does it take." Sam continues, "It takes six months, California law." Jeff tries to seem compassionate with the ever-popular comment, "Oh, really." Translation: "Yes, I won! Woohoo!" Sam looks at him and says, "Yes, really." Jeff puts back on his "concerned-for-Sam" face and asks, "That long, eh? Isn't their a quicker way? I mean, I heard that there is." Translation: "I want to do you now, babe." Sam sighs, "I knew you were going to do this. Try to push me into something." Jeff replies, almost defensively, "I'm not doing anything. I just asked a question." Translation: "Listen, I'm the athlete/winner in this relationship, and I'm trying to finesse you into bed, so don't you think you know me, that I never say what I mean, or I'll take one of my baseball bats and -- WHACK -- to the moon, Alice!" What an a$$ho1e. Seconds later, while Jeff is busy trying nonchalantly to use his tongue to dislodge a piece of salad caught between his teeth, Billy walks by, silent as a lamb, and heads upstairs.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Billy stops by to tell Jennifer about the divorce and how it takes 6 months. Since her boss is also away on some island, she slips out from behind the bar. As the two of them start dancing., the camera pans away and focuses in on Ricky Peterson, this week's guest artist, which is a much better subject to have to watch than these two soon-to-be-departed's.
[Dominican Republic] An island police detective, straight out of a Bogart movie, tells Kyle that their quick ten-minute investigation showed that Amanda and Kyle's story jived, and that they concluded Rory Blake was trying to kill her. Kyle is released from suspicion. (This same case would've taken 13 months back in the States.) Amanda is lying in yet another bed. This time it's back in civilization, although the decor actually looks worse than that shack on the deserted island where she was lying on her deathbed just hours earlier. Kyle enters her room, only to retell the whole sordid Christine story one more time, which is getting so stale that even Amanda can't bear to hear it repeated. She rolls over in her bed, ordering Kyle to leave her alone. She reminds him that Death follows them everywhere, adding Rory to the list of the dead, and herself and Kyle as almost-be's. Kyle leaves. The next morning, Amanda is as good as new, and she checks out. Before leaving, Amanda asks a nurse if anyone's seen a guy that looks like Kyle, but the nurse answers he must've left already. So Amanda grabs a cab, ready to wreak havoc back in West Hollywood. Only, on the way to the airport, the taxi driver stops at that same beachhead where she and Kyle hung out way back when and where Kyle first fell in love with the "B." Amanda looks out and sees Kyle kneeling by a bonfire on the beach. "Are you crazy?" she screams, wondering who in their right mind would build a fire in the middle of the day during the dog days of summer. She falls back into his arms, and they kiss and koochie-koo.
[Michael's Beach House] Taylor coos something about how nice it is living at the beach house. Michael agrees to let her stay until the baby is born, and that he'll provide financial support, but that's it.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Megan is busy at work servicing customers like only she knows how. Lexi shows up, taking over where Alison left off doing arm curls with a highball. Megan apologizes to Lexi, saying Coop did everything he could, causing Lexi to laugh. Lexi tells Megan if Coop really wanted to help, all he had to do was marry her and they would've inherited $10 million. Lexi notices the blank look on Megan's face, so she offers to do the math, explaining that meant $5 apiece! Megan utters, "I think I understand." Just then, Coop enters. Lexi asks him one last time to do this favor for her, but Coop again declines. Lexi reminds him she's talking real prison time here. But lest us remind her, that's something everyone at Melrose Place has got to experience sooner or later. As Lexi leaves, she leaves a little something of herself with Coop, namely a big "lugie" on the shoulder of his blazer. Lexi stumbles out.
[Sterling-Conway Enterprises] Somehow, Lexi makes it from the bar back to her business office, evading arrest for DUI, where a bunch of law enforcement weenies and attorneys are waiting for her, telling her they have to handcuff her. Then one of them reads her her rights, only the guy needs to take a class in projection because as he speaks, his voice fades to less than a whisper. Suddenly, another cop asks her, "Do you understand what you just didn't hear?" As a tear rolls down her cheek, Lexi utters, "Yes."
[To Be Continued...]
Last Modified August 4, 1998 |
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