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Melrose Place
[Previously, on Melrose Place] Enough of those stupid "Suddenly Susan" commercials stating that MP is gone, and "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you!" Duh. Anyway, here we are with 10 months of Melrose ahead of us. I kinda forgot everything that had been going on back in March, so this one minute synopsis of last season was great. Why didn't they just do this the first time around? Then we would've had more like a10 month respite!
[Dominican Republic] Amanda and Rory pull up to the same beach where she and Kyle had shared wonderful sunburns and Hawaiian Punch what seemed like yesterday. She has a hot flash of sorts, remembering how the two of them sizzled beneath the heat of the Dominican moon. Rory interrupts her colorized flashback by saying, "As far as beaches go, this one isn't very romantic." Yeah, Rory, it may not be romantic, but you more than made up for it with that beeeautiiiful AMC station wagon as your limo to paradise. Were all the Gremlins already taken?
[MP, Jennifer's Apt] Kyle shows up at Jennifer's, and the two proceed ramble about their misfortunes, taking turns as if human "Dueling Banjos." Kyle plinks about Amanda running off to the Dominican Republic, "heaven's gateway to the elegant divorce" as Robin Leach would say. Meanwhile, on cue Jennifer plunks her sob story about Billy discovering Sam was having an affair and now she's getting the silent treatment (whatever). Kyle concludes he can't do anything regarding Amanda's decision, but knows he has 48 hours in which to prove something. He decides he might as well prove the truth, since proving a lie is so much harder. Besides, the announcer at the beginning of the show promised all truths will be revealed. He decides he and Jennifer should put their minds together, and even though this still results in a single digit I.Q., he figures they can somehow get Taylor to admit she was the one responsible for Christine's death, not Amanda. Since being responsible for one being's death usually causes a woman to go out and marry the first Rory she meets, Kyle figures this way, maybe she won't go through with the nuptials. Kyle could care less that Amanda and Rory are doing the hokey-pokey, just so long as they don't get married.
[Peter's Marina Condo] Lexi opens the condo door to fetch the morning L.A. Times, but is surprised when she looks up to see Peter, all decked out in the latest "Raiders of the Lost Ark" Adventure clothing, complete with tattered and dirtied khaki vest pants, worn leather boots, and contused ligament. Peter tells Lexi Michael saved his life, even though he's the one who almost ended it, too. Lexi apologizes, admitting Michael found out where Peter was hiding because of her big mouth. Peter apologizes for the way he left and the whole Coop thing. He tells her he had a bit of a catharsis while he was away, which seems to arouse her and she proceeds to start kissing and hugging him, reminding Peter just how big that mouth of hers really is.
[Billy & Sam's Apt of Bliss] Sam's on the phone, finishing up her conversation when Billy enters from the bedroom and gives her a stone-faced expression. Quite normal for him, in fact, with almost more emotion than normal. Sam, unused to such stellar acting, asks "What was that all about? That look." Sam then realizes Billy must think she's talking to Jeff Baylor. She tells him she's not, looking at him as if to ask, "Do you think I'm that dumb?!" Billy continues to give her the cold shoulder, making Sam feel as though her identity's been erased, ahem, so-to-speak. Sam says they need to talk about everything, so naturally, they talk about nothing.
[Burns-Mancini Medical Office] Not only does Michael return home from the mountains, but he returns to the medical office as a partner again. Coop, meanwhile, has no office since he quit to go to Philly. Michael informs Megan that she no longer has an office due to budgetary reasons. In other words, she's FIRED. This lights Coop's fuse, causing him to display a brief moment of machismo, before mumbling something like "I'll get you, Michael." Megan, recalling her days on the street, where the term "getting fired" referred to a description of wanton lust rather than the loss of employment, so she turns to Michael, and with a smile on her face she says, "I quit."
[Dominican Republic] Rory Blake is hanging out at the bar, admiring the 5-carat ring on the finger of a woman who looks remarkably like Mrs. CC Capwell on "Santa Barbara." Rory receives a phone call from some guy named Eddie, who informs Rory that he needs to come up with another 50k for something or another. Rory screams at him, then seizing the opportunity of one of the rare scenes where a cordless phone is not being used, proceeds to hang up the phone by pounding the switch hook repeatedly with the receiver. After displaying this flash of his machismo, the scene ends. I wouldn't be surprised if this scene becomes a "Dial 10-10-321" commercial in the near future.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Jennifer approaches Taylor informing her Kyle told her about Taylor's pregnancy. Jennifer comments about Taylor's now pronounced tummy saying, "Heck, I thought it was just a lot of comfort eating!" Taylor is taken aback that Kyle would tell Jennifer about the seed he planted. Jennifer, meanwhile, begins to plant her own seed in Taylor, saying Kyle thinks Taylor's hiding something about Christine's death, and is hesitant about proposing until Taylor comes clean. Jennifer suggests Taylor spill her guts, if she's hiding anything, and make up something if she isn't. Then Jennifer adds, "You know, all I want is to marry a great guy." Of course, since there aren't any on this show anymore, I guess she'll have to settle for Billy, a grate-guy.
[Dominican Republic] Amanda, wrapped in a bath towel, announces to anyone who will listen that she plans on taking another shower. Rory, worried from his earlier phone call, decides to stroke another champagne bottle until it pops its cork. Suddenly, an idea materializes in his head, he calls his buddy Eddie and promises to get him that extra money by week end. Then he races into the bathroom, and the next popping and spurting sounds you hear are definitely not those coming from a champagne bottle!
[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt] Billy waits for Sam to arrive home and hands her a piece of mail that had been delivered. Of course, it's from Jeff. He tells her to read it, but she refuses, so he opens it and reads it to her. I thought watching Jeff Baylor's drivel coming from his lips was bad, but reading his letters is even more agonizing. And the fact that Billy's reading it the same way he delivers his own lines is worse yet! Anyway, the letter states, once again, that "he doesn't want to make waves," then proceeds to ignore himself and makes waves. This time, he states in his letter that she loves him and that she never felt this way about Billy. The letter ends with: "You worship and love me." He's got at least one "big head," maybe more by the way Sam would always moan. Billy asks her how she could do such a thing to him, then shows his machismo by throwing the letter at her and running out the door. Once gone, Angela Bennett coughs out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
[Wilshire Memorial, Hallway] Taylor pays Michael a visit to ask whether she should tell Kyle about the one or two devious things she's done. Michael tells her truth does not bring happiness, and that he should know since he's a guy. But despite Michael's warnings, Taylor appears to be leaning toward confessing to Kyle. Michael shakes his head, then ends his sermon with "Your truth shall set him free."
[Wilshire Memorial, Resident Psychiatrist's Office] Peter sees the psychiatrist, thanking him for the use of the cabin. Then Peter says how wonderful things are, citing his "great girlfriend, great job, great condo." Peter adds, "Things are great." The doctor replies, "When a patient overuses the word great, alarms go off." Or, it could simply be the vocabulary of the writing staff is as limited as their imagination Whadya think? But I digress. Peter admits, "Things aren't so bad..." Which causes the doctor to say, "When a person uses the phrase..." Peter stops him before I can shut the TV off, so I continue to watch. Peter goes into a diatribe about everyone getting what they want except for him, saying that all he gets is the "big fat zippo." The doctor comments, "Hmm, and you don't even smoke!" The scene ends with the doctor giving Peter an hour of his time, at the employee discount rate I'm sure.
[Dominican Republic] You know, I have no clue why they are showing so many scenes down in this Caribbean divorce Mecca, except for the fact that Amanda's here frolicking in bath towels and outfits made of gauze (Oh, I guess I answered my own question!) After awhile, however, I begin wondering if I've inadvertently changed channels to the WB, captive to yet another stupid episode of "Love Boat, The Next Wave." Oh, BTW, Rory tries buying Amanda a ring, but all she does is huffs.
[Upstairs Jazz club] Billy is wasting away at the bar while Jennifer tops his body off with liquor. Jennifer tells Billy she loves him and is different from Sam. Billy asks, "Why, because you tell the truth and don't have any secrets?" So Jennifer tells Billy that Sam has been hitting home runs with Jeff since the Gala Awards Committee night, the same night Jennifer did a little flagpole sitting of her own. Billy recalls that night, saying Sam said she had a business deal down in San Diego. Immediately, Billy gets up to leave. When Jennifer asks him where he's going, he answers "Sam had a business meeting tonight. I want to make sure it went okay." Suddenly, there are exploding fireworks and we can only assume this means Jeff Baylor has reached orgasm again. Only, we're a bit hasty, and as it turns out, the scene has switched back to the Dominican Republic again. See next scene.
[Dominican Republic] Amanda gets her fortune read by some scam artist, just like she'd find back home in Hollywood, only this one's much cheaper. The fortune teller tells Amanda, in English, "The cards tell me it will never work. Love is not enough for a woman like you. What you need is a lifelong friend, a companion... When you feel yourself resisting the attentions of another you will know this man is near." Then the soothsayer adds, "A word of caution -- don't back out of previous agreements." When Amanda asks her how much Rory offer to shill for him, the fortune teller answers, "No hablo ingles." Funny, but everything she said until that point I understood, and this time I thought I took French in high school! (Although I still don't know what the hell a Gorditas is!)
[Restaurant] Sam meets El Nino in the parking lot of El Torito after finishing her business meeting. Jock boy, Jeffy shows up in the parking lot. Sam gets wet. Sam asks how he knew she was there, and Jeffy answers by saying he called the office and they said she wasn't in the office but at a dinner meeting down the street. Since there are so few places to eat in West Hollywood, Baylor boy figured she must be at this restaurant. Ahh, the Melrose logic I've missed for so long. He tells her he'll love her forever, as Sam, as Angela, it doesn't matter to him. Then he kisses her, but the kiss is one-way, as Sam just stands there cringing.
[Kyle's the Restaurant, Kitchen] Kyle grabs Taylor and tries to get her to confess, but Taylor maintains her cool and leaves. Then it's Kyle's turn to show off his machismo, as he outdoes Rory's phone tantrum by knocking a bunch of spices off a kitchen shelf.
[MP, Coop's Coop] Megan, modeling a new tight black outfit, tells Coop she's got a job with Jennifer at Upstairs. Coop, rather than being happy, responds with "I don't know if I want you hustling your tits and then fighting off drunks." Megan tells Coop she won't be happy unless financially independent, and that's why she's getting into the waitressing profession.
[MP Courtyard] Jennifer catches Kyle just as he's heading down to see Taylor, where he plans to pretend to end their relationship. Jennifer wishes she could be a fly on the wall, when the best she'll ever be is just a pestering gnat. When Taylor hears this, she slips up and tells Kyle that if he only knew everything she's gone through, that he wouldn't leave. Kyle says, "Aha!" Kyle tells her to go on, so Taylor starts off by saying, "Promise you won't hate me if I tell you." Taylor admits that she got Nick's girlfriend to play the part of Christine and that the real Christine was already dead. Furthermore, Taylor admits she pumped Nick for information, while Nick simply pumped. Taylor continues by saying it was a great plan until "Christine" smashed her head and died. Which led to the faking of the suicide, always a popular social issue on this show. Taylor admits she sent the letter signed as Christine to Amanda at the hotel, threatening to kill herself. After Taylor gets all this off her chest, Kyle tells her she's sick and evil. Taylor's lips puff as she says her confession was meant to bring the two of them closer together. Kyle says yes it has, if Taylor's referring to him and Amanda. He tells Taylor he knows the baby isn't his, and that he was simply trying to trick her into admitting her guilt. He exits, leaving Taylor crying. She brings her hand up to her mouth to suppress her whimpering covers those red lips of hers with her hand. I never knew she had such a big hand!
[Jeff Baylor's House] Jennifer drops as Jeff is packing (again). When he tells her he's moving to Arizona, Jennifer asks, "What about Sam?" Jeff tells Jennifer that he tried talking to Sam last night, but that his tongue just didn't have the right stuff. Jennifer finds this all poppycock, saying "Love is like Mike Tyson," a real meaningful statement. Then Jennifer gives Jeff all the ammo he needs, telling him that she and Billy have been having their own affair. Jennifer needs Jeff to break the news to Sam so that Jennifer can still hold on to Billy while Jeff can get what he wants. Jeff says he's not interested, which means he is since he has yet to keep his word about anything since showing his face last season.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Since this show was supposed to be about uncovering all the secrets, Michael reveals his secret to Megan, that he was the one who leaked that Megan was a hooker so that Coop would lose the Philly job. Megan tells Michael if she let his little secret out that 1) Coop would kill him, and 2) Peter would oust him from the practice. (What good would a dead doctor be, anyway?)
[Peter's Marina Condo] And speaking of hookers, since Lexi has little else to do on the show, in this scene she moans and groans as Peter works her, uttering between breaths, "Mmm...Peter, you're so unbelievable. Nobody makes me feel the way you do," which sounds an awfully lot like Megan's dialog during those early years.
[Dominican Republic] Kyle telephones Amanda, telling her he's flying down to meet her. She pushes him away, telling him not to waste his money. You know, just like that fortune teller predicted. Wow! Esther Rolle was right. Those Psychic Readers really do know their stuff. Amanda hangs up and immediately says to Rory that she wants to marry him. By now, however, Rory is starting to get cold feet. Then he reveals his deep dark secret to Amanda: That even though she needs a great companion as well as great sex, all he needs in life is great sex. Now, you know what it means when a person uses the word "great" too often, don't you?
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter is lying on the couch in the Wilshire Memorial staff psychiatrist's office, describing how wonderful his sex life with Lexi is, but admits he still loves Amanda. This shocks the doctor, but then Peter realizes this is the root of his problem and he's now cured. The doctor, meanwhile, just sits there and smiles, knowing what a cinch being a psychiatrist is and how much money people are willing to blow just to have someone to talk to.
[Dominican Republic] While Amanda stands in line to get her divorce, Rory speaks with one of the hotel hospitality agents, who's sporting the ever popular Andre Agassi-look. Rory asks if there's somewhere remote and hidden he and his new bride can escape to. Agassi suggests one of the small islands accessible by boat. Rory tells Agassi to keep this arrangement hush-hush.
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office] Coop tries to pummel Michael for ordering a few office supplies, like the $5000 vector cardiograph machine. After all, that's the job of the Office Manager. What I don't understand is why Coop is still a partner. Oh well, it won't keep me from sleeping well tonight.
[MP, Courtyard] Jeff Baylor is loitering in front of Sam and Billy's apt and catches Sam as she arrives home. She tells him to leave, so in a desperate measure showing no machismo (even Billy showed a little), Jeff blurts out that Billy has been having an affair with Jennifer. Sam orders Jeff to go into her room and pack her things for her, then runs upstairs to get in a cat fight with Jennifer. Meanwhile, Billy and Jeffy do a little waltzing of their own, until they hear the screaming and hissing of the two girls upstairs on the balcony. Billy yanks Sam off of Jennifer, saying Jennifer's the only innocent one in all this. Sam, who knows how evil little Mancini really is, turns to Billy and says, "She has the wool pulled so over your eyes, as well as other parts of your anatomy." The couples regroup, Billy and Jennifer and Sam and Jeff. All are happy, or as happy as one can be given the circumstances...
[Michael's Car] Taylor uses her cell phone to call Michael on his. She tells him she's blew it and has lost Kyle forever. Michael's not one to say "I told you so," but he tells her so. Anyway, Taylor simply called to say good-bye and to thank him for being her only friend. Before Michael can ask her what she means by that, she hangs up. And just to emphasis this fact, we hear a dial-tone come out from the speaker on Michael's phone. Of course, cell phones don't have dial tones, but hey, don't tell the sound effects crew.
[Dominican Republic] Rory and Amanda are pronounced man and wife. But before Rory and Amanda can kiss, Kyle enters and screams her name.
[Taylor's Car] Taylor, meanwhile, applies one last jar of lip gloss to those luscious puckerers of hers. Then she starts up the ignition to her car. As the song should've gone, "Those lips were made for sucking..." The camera pans, and we see she's hooked up a tube from the exhaust pipe into the compartment of her vehicle. As she sits back to go to sleep one last time, I can't help but hum the theme song to M*A*S*H.
[To Be Continued...] Last Modified July 28, 1998 |
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