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Melrose Place
[The Tudor House, Philadelphia] Megan tries to clear the air about the misconception Larner has of her being a prostitute. Only the doctor has already done his homework, telling her he can produce police records as well as a list of her clients. When she asks why he's doing this, wondering if maybe, it's because Philadelphia is such a clean, decent city, where ladies of the night are as scarce as the city rats, the doctor answers, "Needs. Me Horny. Ugh, ugh!" But before Larner can get her coat off, a car drives up. It's his wife, home early. So he shuffles Megan out the back door, warning her she had better do whatever he says if she wants Coop to stand any chance of getting the appointment at the research hospital.
[MP, Kyle's Apt] As El Nino pounds down on the swimming pool, I wonder, what ever happened to Pool Boy. Was the job too strenuous, the rash of recent mud slides making his job unbearable? Maybe he's suffered the same fate that awaits many other cast members, as there time on Melrose Place draws to an end, due to salary caps, etc. No one will ever really know the truth. But I digress. Taylor tells Kyle that she's pregnant, and that he's the father, just as Kyle predicted.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising] Amanda is busy trying to cut the losses of having Jeff Baylor on contract with Flash Sporting Goods. Sam enters, wanting to know what all the commotion is about. "His knee is mush. His career is officially over," Amanda explains. Sam starts crying, so Amanda offers some advice, saying "Stick with Billy. There's nothing worse than a washed-up jock." Except, of course, a washed-up actor who was also a washed-up jock.
[The Tudor House, Philadelphia] Dr. Larner strolls up to Coop and Megan. Larner suggest Coop go charm Dr. Miller a bit more, leaving Megan alone with the horny New Englander. Larner tells her he reserved a room at the Silver Inn Motel. He tells Megan to meet him in room 23. Coop will be busy in a meeting, so she'll have no need to make up any excuses. Coop returns, boasting "I sure buttered him up." "Excellent!" Larner exclaims, "Excellent! That's the way it's done," hoping Megan will bring a few sticks herself tomorrow night.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising] Rory stops by Amanda's office, but Amanda flies by him on her way to a meeting in the conference room with Sterling-Conway. She hurries out, leaving Rory all alone in her office. Now, you'd think Amanda would have learned by now not to leave people alone in her office. The last time she did, news leaked about her feathered-hair past as a Mrs. Parezi. But, she does it again. This time, Rory fat-fingering her laptop, uncovering all her personal assets, and we all know what fine assets she has. Lexi is representing Sterling-Conway and the number-two man, Amanda, and Sam are discussing the best approach at marketing the West Coast firm that does, well, you know. And boy, do they do it well. I'm waiting to see how long Lexi can discuss Sterling-Conway business without cracking a smile, considering she has no clue what they do. This fact makes it even harder for Amanda's crackerjack, or crack-pot, team of advertisers to come up with a good marketing strategy. In the middle of their meeting, Michael Mancini bursts in, disrupting any train of thought the group might of had. Michael needs the 4-1-1 on Peter, claiming he's got a 9-1-1. He says he wants to drop the lawsuit, so Lexi agrees to reveal Peter's whereabouts, saying, "Oh, he's up in some cabin in the Sierras." Michael smiles and nods his head, knowing the Sierras aren't all that big. Then Michael's pager starts yelping so Amanda directs him to a phone out in the bull pen. When Amanda realizes she forgot all her paperwork in her office she steps out, where upon she overhears Michael giving Taylor pregnancy tips. Amanda, somewhat surprised, asks who the father is. Michael, rather than say Nick is the father, tells Amanda it's Kyle. Amanda grits.
[Jeff Baylor's House] Baylor, apparently coming to grips with the reality that his baseball career is over, has decided to go into the moving & storage business. When Sam arrives, she finds the boy practicing his new career by repeatedly packing and unpacking his tarnished baseball trophies in cardboard boxes. Sam, who had promised last episode not to see Jeff anymore, must have meant she wouldn't see him anymore during that particular episode. Jeff cries, "I was a major league player. I was there," whining more than Mo Vaughn has been these days. Jeff mentions he might coach little league. Well, the "Pity-the-fool" slant works, and Sam breaks down and rushes into the pitiful fool's arms.
[Upstairs Jazz Club] Amanda and Rory decide to go to Kyle's for dinner. Amanda wastes no time in congratulating Kyle. Why Amanda seems to be the only one concerned about not wasting the audience's time is odd considering practically nothing else of any substance has happened during the previous 45 minutes of the show (this is the second hour of a so-called 2-hour "season finale") Kyle, wanting to tell Amanda he's not the father but unable to in order to keep the charade with Taylor going, merely stutters. Of course, that's purely conjecture on my part, maybe Kyle's just stuttering cuz hey, he's Kyle! Taylor appears a few moments later, as happy as a waddling belly-kicked woman can be. Kyle lets out a couple more "Uh"s before Amanda and Rory decide to dance to some woman who decided to become a singing trumpet player. Then Amanda glances over to a table against the far wall, where she spots Jennifer tonguing Billy's ear. She watches intently as the two of them sneak off to Kyle's office. Amanda excuses herself from the table and walks up to the closed door to Kyle's office, where she can hear slurping sounds so loud, you'd think it was Taylor lips smacking inside that office. Amanda swings open the door, catching Billy and Jennifer embracing. Billy begs Amanda to keep what she saw a secret, but Amanda assures him, Sam probably doesn't care what he's doing, or who he's doing it with, implying Sam's got a little action of her own. Billy asks what she's talking about, but after her slew of quotes-of-the-week, her throat gets parched so she says to Jennifer, "Bartender, when you're through servicing Mr. Campbell, Rory and I could use a round of drinks."
[High Sierras] Michael finds Peter trying to find peace and relaxation by fly fishing. Unfortunately, Peter seems to be catching more tree limbs than fish when Michael shows up. Peter informs Michael that it's his camping trip, not Michael's, then asks, "Now would you scram, before some hunter mistakes you for a wild pig?" Michael grabs the lawsuit from out of his pocket, and shows his intentions by ripping it up, asking that all Peter has to do is let him back into the practice. Despite Michael's actions, Peter continues to try to evade the intruder.
[MP, Mailboxes] Jennifer and Billy talk. Jennifer admits that Sam is having an affair with Jeff. Billy says, "Huh?" but overall, appears unfazed. Of course, his facial expressions rarely have anything to do with the emotion he's supposed to be feeling at the moment, so I question why I mentioned it in the first place. Jennifer adds that Billy can count on her; she's not going anywhere.
[The Tudor House, Philadelphia] Larner arrives home only to find Megan sharing a little Tea and "Eh?" with his wife, Nora. "We had the most delightful afternoon" exclaims Larner's wife, driving the doctor even more insane, as all he can do is fantasize how the two women spent their day "delighting each other."
[High Sierras] Michael and Peter have been hiking for hours, still looking for the cabin, even though it's supposed to have been only 20 minutes away. They end up where Michael's torn-up lawsuit lay. All this episode "starch" is really . Then it starts El Nino-ing again. The next morning, they wake in each other's arms. Peter then proceeds to roll down a hillside and "pulls a Baylor." That's right, Peter hurts his knee, which spells the end to his possible baseball career too. Michael creates a makeshift stretcher and drags Peter through the woods. Michael accidentally reaches civilization, but before he does, he gets a delirious Peter to agree to let him back into the practice.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising] Billy, Sam, and Lexi are still in the middle of a brainstorming meeting for Sterling-Conway. Needless to say, the silence is deafening. Then Amanda enters, saying she has a friend with a fresh new approach for the campaign. She squawks on the intercom, and seconds later, Rory bursts in. He proceeds to spew some stupid campaign idea, exploiting women to sell the "product," an idea shunned in advertising circles throughout the world. Billy's never heard of using sex appeal in a campaign, so Rory explains, "Lexi is everything a man looks for in a woman. Rich, sexy, smart, sexy.". Rory suggests Lexi throw herself, spread eagle, on top of a conference table, and purr something about whatever. (You may have noticed I'm having a harder and harder time trying to write anything cohesive about Sterling-Conway. Let's cross our fingers that during the summer episodes, the writers will come up with something as a product.) By the sound of Rory's pitch, it sounds as though Lexi might be selling crotchless panties. Anyway, Lexi practically slaps the Pulp Fiction look-alike reject for such an offensive disgusting campaign idea, except for the fact she likes it, boasting, "Daddy always said I could sell ice to an Eskimo." She and Rory walk out together disgusting, er, discussing the details.
[The Old Chaney House, Philadelphia] Megan and Coop find a nice house to lease. Megan looks sad. Coop proposes. She accepts. End of scene. I tried to keep the ambiance of their moment intact... how'd I do?
[Little League Field] Billy sneaks into the bleachers, and watches Jeff Baylor, the little league coach release his sexual frustrations through coaching: "Heads up!," "Stroke that bat!,". and "Score a home run, baby!" spew from his mouth. Then, during the 1st inning stretch, Jeff shows why they call it a "ball game," when he grabs Sam, who was standing nearby, and starts kissing and fondling her near the backstop. Billy sees this, storms around the fence, and plants one right on Jeff's lips, not like Matt "Spat" Fielding, but like Jake "Handsome" Hanson (well, as Jake-like as Billy can muster). That's right, Billy punches the weasel, knocking him to the ground. The two boys start shoving each other, knocking Sam over in the process. She falls to the ground, hitting her head on the way down.
[Wilshire Memorial] Lucky for Sam, Wilshire Memorial, one of the top-rated hospitals for fall-down-on-baseball-bat syndrome in the country, was not far from where they were balling earlier. While Sam is being attended to, Billy and Jeff exchange unpleasantries in the waiting area. Billy tells Jeff to shut up. Jeff explains, "This isn't something we set out to do, it just happened." Yeah, it just happened that he came on to Sam every moment he could during the past two months. He's a walking... limping contradiction. When one of the hospital residents appears with Sam in tow, the two boys spring to their feet. The doctor reports that all Sam needs right now is for someone to drive her home. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly then take their stand in the room. Close-ups on their eyes, as each looks at the other, waiting for that first move. The suspense, the drama. After what seems like milliseconds, Sam turns to Jeff and says, "Jeff, I have to go home with my husband." Oooooh.
[Philadelphia] The staff at Hutchins is having yet another bash. With all this partying, it's amazing the doctors find any time for surgery. Coop mentions that Megan couldn't make it tonight because she's busy moving some things (how much could they have brought, considering they flew?) into their new house. The doctor delivers his daily dose of double-entendre regarding Megan. Coop wonders about some of Larner's comments, but before he can ask Larner, the doctor leaves. He makes a beeline to the home Coop and Megan have just leased, knocking on the door. Megan, thinking it's Coop, flings it open, offering her body to the visitor, whom she expects is Coop. To her surprise, it's Larner, who starts to ravish her. She starts screaming. Coop rushes in and punches Larner in the nose, the way it should be done (paying attention Billy-boy?) Larner tells Coop he'll be sorry.
[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt] Billy brings Sam a cup of tea before heading to work. She wants to talk, but Billy's not in the mood. He leaves and runs into Jennifer by the mailboxes. She pretends have just figured out what Sam was up to, gasping, "So it's true. Sam and Jeff are having an affair!" This angers Billy who says she might as well announce it to the entire complex so that everyone will know what a loser he is. Jennifer apologizes, then repeats her earlier line, "I don't know what to say, Billy, except, I'll be here for you." Jennifer should be glad she gets paid by the episode, not the number of new lines, otherwise she'd be what you'd call a struggling actor.
[Outside the Hutchins Institute, Philadelphia] While the staff decides Coop's fate, Nora Larner and Megan talk. Megan tells her her husband did attack her. "I know. It's kind of a seasonal rite-of-passage for him" Nora explains. "You're not the first hot ticket he's propositioned. But then, men will be men, que sera sera." Which I think, is totally unfair of Nora, considering Megan's barely able to keep a conversation going in English, let alone other languages. Nora continues, "The Larner name carries a lot of weight in Philadelphia. My husband's intermittent indiscretions are a small price to pay for being Mrs. Larner." As the saying goes, "Hey, if it's good enough for the President of the United States..." Mrs. Larner informs Megan that at that very moment, Coop is being given the option of either accepting the position, or accepting Megan (who will offer him many more positions). Nora wishes Megan a nice trip back to the City of Angels.
[Kyle's the Restaurant] Kyle acts sad, so Taylor starts what sounds like a confession. But they're interrupted when Amanda comes him wanting a "quickie." On a show of this caliber, you'd think she's referring to sex, but what Amanda's interested in is a divorce. Amanda plans another one of those 48 hour divorce proceedings down in the Dominican Republic. Other than cigars, it seems this is their only other "cash" crop. Taylor recommends Kyle sign the divorce papers, and then the two of them can go down to city hall and get married again. Kyle reluctantly signs.
[Taxi Cab] Rory is on his way to LAX, talking on his cell phone telling someone somewhere that he's meeting Amanda at the airport, they're on their way to the Caribbean, and he's very close to landing a cash cow. He promises the party on the other end that once he gets Amanda on board, if his plan doesn't go his way, he'll simply create a little accident.
[Big Empty House in PA] Coop arrives home just as Megan is running down the stairs with her baggage. She tells him she's making his decision easier. He tells her he told them to take the deal and shove it. Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, you're not missing anything here. Megan asks "Can we go home now?" The real question should be, "Where is our home now?"
Jennifer asks Kyle if he's crazy, letting Amanda go like that. Kyle assures her Taylor's on the verge of spilling her guts, although knowing Kyle, he'll confuse that with her water breaking. He tells Jennifer he has 48 hours to get Taylor to confess.
[Mile High] Rory and Amanda are having drinks aboard a jet headed for the Dominican Republic. Rory suggests that once Amanda's divorce is final, that the two of them get hitched. In his romantic way he says, "C'mon Amanda. What have you got to lose?" (from the book, Best Pick-Up Lines, page 23.) And it works, too, as Amanda replies, "You're right. I'll marry you. Sure as hell don't deserve any better." The wailing guitar sounds, the scene fades to black, and about the only gimmick missing is the instant slo-mo end.
[To Be Continued... during the Summer of Love, 1998*]
* Keep an eye out for more details by dropping in and paying us a visit every now and then at MelroseTV (http://www.melrosetv.com) |
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Last Modified April 01, 1998 |
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