Melrose Place
Episode #187 / Season #6
Title:  "Blunt Drama"
Original Air Date:  Monday, February 23, 1998

[Harvest Motel]
Nick and Taylor continue slapping around Christine, or, at least who we THINK is Christine, telling her their plan is almost working -- Kyle and Amanda are fighting and Amanda is asking for space. It turns out, this is a Christine look-alike, who just happened to have a Ferengi scar under her ear. Time to summarize: 1) Nick wants part of the club, and to get his best friend back; 2) Taylor wants to get Kyle back as her husband, even though she had dumped him for Peter; 3) this girl, Christine, is really some bimbo Nick ran into in the past, and who looked remarkably like Christine, so he decided at the time to be friends with her, just in case he could use her against Kyle years later in some sort of cockamamie plan. This girl, Christine, is pretending to be the Christine who did die in the Gulf War, because she's in debt and needs the cash. You got it? Taylor goes on to say, Amanda probably came back early from her business trip after hearing about Kyle and Christine's big romantic farewell. Taylor adds, "10-to-1, this very second, they're fighting like dogs."

[Amanda's Apt]
Kyle and Amanda are fighting like dogs... in heat! The two of them are cuddling up in bed, and I don't have to tell you how I know it's Amanda's apt, do I? She swears, she'll kill for her man, especially since Kyle was willing to do the same for her during those "Baine-al" episodes with Eric from NYC.

[Jeff Baylor's Pad]
And speaking of cuddling, Sam is smack-dab under the armpit of Mr. Baseball himself. She wakes and realizes where she is, so she jumps out of bed and starts dressing. Baylor calls out, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Sam gasps, "I'm married!" as if it's a surprise to her. Jeff shakes his head, saying, "Hey look Sam, if you think this was just a roll in the hay for me..." but Sam interrupts him, saying "That's overstating it." The way she sees, and I quote, "It was bumping into someone." Yeah, right. And bumping, and bumping, and bumping... Then she adds, "It was rubbing up against them." Is this what they call "having sex" in Maryland? The same place that coined the expression, "I got the crabs!"

[MP Courtyard]
Meanwhile, the Fred and Ginger of Melrose Place return from the photo shoot. Billy feels uncomfortable saying goodnight after their lips had done the Twist earlier that night. He wants to talk about the kiss. Jennifer apologizes for getting caught up in some sort of ballroom fantasy. Get it, Billy? She wants to ball... He sort of gets the hint, and lunges forward and gives her a sloppy kiss. He goes into his apartment, leaving Jennifer all weak-kneed. She hears some footsteps, however, and manages to scamper into the shadows, just as Sam approaches. Billy is surprised that Sam was getting home so late. Sam conjures up a story that Amanda overloaded her with last minute work at the office, saying "You know what Amanda did? She gave me six, count 'em, sex layouts, that had to be on her desk by tomorrow morning. You haven't been waiting up, have you?" Billy explains he just got home himself from the photo shoot. Sam asks, "Oh, how'd it go? Are you happy? Did you get everything that you wanted?" Billy says he got that and more, then tries to get some dessert, rubbing Sam's arm. She steps back though, saying she has to take a rain check. Then she rushes off to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. She leans against the wall, sliding down to the floor. She starts whimpering and a tear drips down her cheek. Much different from what had happened earlier with Baylor, although the terms dripping and cheeks still apply.

[Amanda's Apt]
The next morning, still in her pj's, Sam runs up to Amanda's for a favor. She begs Amanda to corroborate her story about working late in the office the night before. Amanda blurts, "You're having an affair with Jeff Baylor, aren't you?" Sam tries to deny it, but then admits something almost happened, but she stopped it and that there is no reason to hurt Billy unnecessarily. Amanda agrees. As Sam returns home, she runs into Jennifer, who is heading to the laundry room... again! I guess, since nobody had done laundry all of last year, fearful of the place after the Kimberly incident, everybody's entire wardrobe is pretty much dirty, and now everyone has to give in and start washing their clothes. Jennifer takes one look at Sam and says she can't believe Sam slept with Jeff. Sam asks, "Is there a sign on my back?" Or, it could just be that white stuff still stuck in her hair? In any case, Sam gets mildly upset with Jennifer, blaming her for giving out bad advice. Some thanks for the best night of her life.

[Sterling/Conway Enterprises, West Coast Division]
Coop tells Lexi her parent company is in bigger trouble than she may think. He goes on to inform her the company is in total turmoil, unable to find a successor to the empire her daddy built. Coop then suggests she take the position. Lexi says she already declined the offer, saying it would entail her moving back to Cleveland. Then she puts two and two together, realizing Coop's just trying to get her out of his life. Coop admits he's afraid of falling in love with her again, asking, "Temptation comes in all shapes and sizes. Didn't your father teach you that? He sure taught me. Hell, he still is." I don't know if this is referring to some sort of homosexual affair he had with Tom Sterling, but we can only hope for the best.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Taylor drops Christine off at Wilshire Memorial for the next stage of the plan. Christine catches Peter just as he's about to lock up for the evening. She claims that the thought of returning to Santa Fe is causing her to experience panic attacks, that she'll lose it, that she won't be able to control herself. I afraid to imagine what she would do if she was in Lexi's shoes and had to go back to Ohio! Peter tells her she doesn't have to go back if she doesn't want to and calls a nurse down to escort Christine to a room, where she can be under 24-hour suicide watch.

[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt]
Sam arrives home just as Billy is answering the phone again. Apparently, someone keeps calling and hanging up when they hear Billy's voice on the other end. He tells Sam he too, has to go down to that dungeon of a laundry room and "do laundry," and that if the phone rings again, not to answer it. As soon as Billy is safely away, Sam quickly dials Jeff Baylor's house. Jeff admits he's been trying to call her, since she wouldn't take his calls at the office. She reminds him he's supposed to be in Florida, and that she can never see him again. This really gets Jeff mad, so he stands up and says, "Look, we made love, okay. I mean, that wasn't some figment of your imagination, or mine." Sam replies, with a shaky voice, "It was a mistake. It was a HUGE mistake." She hangs up on him. But Jeff Baylor smiles contentedly, "She thought I was big!"

[Mancini Medical Clinic]
Spider crawls in, badly wounded. Michael wants to get him to a hospital, but Spider says it's too late, and hands Michael a key. "Bus locker... Downtown." he utters. If you thought Shue was bad when he tried acting drunk, take a look at this guy acting hurt. Sorry, but when he finally dies, I can barely hold back my cheer. Moments later, a barrage of cops burst in, pointing their handguns inches away from Spidey's face and beanie cap. Michael tells them Spider won't be spinning anymore webs. The plainclothesman asks if Spider said anything, and Michael answers no. Then, as the cops start playing pocket pool in Spider's jeans, Michael nonchalantly slips the key Spider gave him, into his lab smock.

[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
Amanda holds an emergency staff meeting, informing the group that Jeff Baylor is AWOL from spring training, causing Flash Sporting Goods some grief. Billy chimes in with some unattractive Baylor bashing, until Amanda stops him with "Thank you, Jerry Maguire." She dismisses all the staff except for Sam. Amanda tells Sam she has a feeling it has to do with her relationship with Jeff. Sam tries to laugh it off, but Amanda isn't joking. She adds there is a big bonus for the person who can get Jeff Baylor back on track. Sam asks, "Are you suggesting I do something?" I say, excuse me, Sam, but don't you work there? Amanda says, "Demanding it."

[Downtown Bus Station]
Michael opens the locker that the key belongs to, and finds a small suitcase. He takes it to the men's public restroom, the safest place he can find in downtown L.A., and opens the bag, only to find it stuffed with a bunch of money. Michael covers his mouth with his hand, so as not to laugh I guess, when he sees a bunch of one dollar bills in the bag. What a bunch of cheap props.

[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
Michael brings the money to Jennifer's place, telling her he needs to hide the bag in her closet and that she is neither to look at the contents nor tell a soul. The point of hiding it here? Obviously, so she'll look in it and we'll have another 20-minute storyline.

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Taylor goes up to Kyle's office and "spills" the beans about the whereabouts of Christine, saying she hasn't really left L.A. but is being held secretly by Peter in some room under suicide watch. Taylor suggests, since Peter recently lost Lexi back to Coop, that maybe he wants to go back to his one love, Amanda, and is planning on using Christine to break up Kyle and Amanda's relationship. If Kyle was a fish, he'd be frying in a skillet by now, as he again, takes Taylor's made up story hook, line, and sinker. He grabs his jacket and rushes out the door.

[Peter's Marina Condo]
Kyle confronts Peter about hiding Christine and any plot to steal Amanda away from him. Peter starts to think Kyle's as loony as Christine, and recommends he marry Amanda as fast as he can.

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Michael sees Megan arrive alone at the bar, waiting for Coop. Michael suggests Coop and Lexi are getting closer again because they're both from wealthy family lines, and that Megan doesn't really fit into that part of society. Megan gets upset that Michael would insinuate that money controls everything and everyone. Michael says it does, then begins to tell her about some dirty money that fell into his lap. She can't believe he isn't taking it directly to the police. I guess she didn't really know much about Michael as she thought.

[Jeff Baylor's House]
Sam pays a visit to Jeff Baylor, who thinks he's the hottest thing to hit the big leagues since chewing tobacco. If the average person's head is the size of a baseball, then Jeff's has now grown into a softball. He's getting as irritating to Sam as he is to me, and she yells at him to get his ass on the next plane to Florida. She tells him this whole thing was a fantasy and that she had no intentions of leaving her husband. Baylor responds by saying, "So what are you telling me, that everything that went on between us, you were just faking? You can't fake what we shared. C'mon!" A woman couldn't fake it? See, what'd I tell you about that ego? With his typical cocky grin, he tells her to say she wants him to go to Florida and he will go. So Sam tells him to go. Then Baylor plays some low ball, and says, "Just so you know, you broke my heart."

[MP, Courtyard]
As if they haven't gotten enough water from El Nino, Billy decides to soak his waterlogged body in the pool! First, everyone's using the laundry room, and now the pool? Jennifer struts out in some colorful string bikini and joins him. Billy says he doesn't feel comfortable with Sam anymore. Jennifer comments, the only time she feels comfortable is when she's with him. Billy apologizes to Jennifer for kissing her the other night and says he shouldn't have cheated on Sam, even though they're having problems. Then some bubbles sound like they come up from Billy's bathing suit and he excuses himself.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Not only does Kyle have trouble remembering his lines, but he's even having difficulty remembering whether he and Amanda are married yet. For breakfast, he serves her a mimosa, saying to enjoy it like it's her honeymoon. She reminds him they have to be married for that. So he asks her if she'll marry him. She reminds him he already asked her that.  What did happen to him in the Gulf War, anyway? They decide to get married tomorrow night, at 7 pm, at the Canyon Chapel.

[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
Sam is over at Jennifer's again, this time blaming Jennifer for making her sleep with Jeff Baylor. "I was very influenced by that speech," Sam comments, referring to the used car/new car analogy Jennifer told her last week. Then, in her next breath, Sam turns around and asks Jennifer for some more advice (doesn't this girl ever learn? Oh, I forgot, she's from Maryland), asking Jennifer, "I really love Billy. That's why you marry someone, right?" Sam goes on a diatribe about doing everything it takes to make her marriage to Billy work. Jennifer can only sit there and roll her eyes. Sam thanks Jennifer, saying she doesn't know what she would do without her, and plants a big kiss on Jennifer's forehead.

[Kyle's the Restaurant]
Kyle finds Taylor in the restaurant, and asks her for a huge favor. He needs her to take care of the place while he and Amanda get married and celebrate their honeymoon. He goes into excruciating detail about their wedding plans as well as their honeymoon in either Hawaii or Fiji. Taylor suggests the Bermuda Triangle for this part

[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt]
Sam, as part of her "do anything to save the marriage" plan, is dressed in only a lilac bra and matching panty. She throws on a robe when she hears Billy come through the door and plans to throw herself at his feet as part of a big surprise. Billy, meanwhile, had stopped at the bar on the way home, and is in one of those drunken stupor acts again. He's got one of the biggest smiles on his face that he's had in a long time, but it's not in anticipation of Sam's surprise. Rather, it's due to the news that Jeff Baylor, "Come-back bozo of the year," as Billy describes him, blew out his knee the first day of spring training, possibly ending his career. Flash Sporting Goods is already canceling Baylor's contract, and even has some female tennis player taking his place. When Sam hears, this, her body closes for the winter. Billy asks her what her surprise is, but she pushes him away, saying sometimes she wonders if he even has a heart. She heads into the bedroom and shuts the door. But Billy is so happy about the news that he just stands there in the kitchen as if he just climaxed anyway.

[Secret Room at Wilshire Memorial, 5th Floor, D-Wing]
Christine is sleeping comfortably when a hand reaches for her face and cups her mouth, gagging her for a moment. The lights go on, and the hand retracts, and Christine says, "Oh, it's you!" I guess she had hoped it would be Nick visiting again for some late night delight, but this time it's only Taylor. She has Christine write a fake letter to Kyle, confessing her undying love for him. Christine doesn't see the point, since Kyle already knows she's in the hospital yet still hasn't visited.  Taylor wants Christine to write that after she and Kyle had slept together, that feelings in her were awoken that she thought had long since died. Christine doesn't understand, especially since Kyle slept on the chair, not in her bed, the other night. So Taylor has to explain that the letter is meant for Amanda's eyes, not Kyle's. Taylor hopes, after Amanda reads the letter, she'll call off the wedding. Even though I thought Peter was holding Christine, somehow Taylor finds her.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Taylor delivers the letter to Amanda, saying it came to the restaurant this morning. Who said the U.S. Postal Service was so slow? Somehow, even though Taylor and Christine concocted this letter late the night before, somehow, it got postmarked and delivered first thing this morning. Taylor hints that Amanda might want to read it, considering it's from Christine, and Amanda and Kyle are planning on tying the knot later that night. Amanda decides that Kyle has nothing to hide, and she opens the letter. Her face turns white, and Taylor leaves, but not without a smile.

[Beach House]
Megan brings the money bag from Jennifer's place to Michael's. She asks him if he robbed a bank. He says he's going to use the money for good. She says she's going to the cops. Then she decides to show Michael another way to use the money. Believe me when I say this is filler, like the sawdust they put in your white sandwich bread.

[Secret Room at Wilshire Memorial, Psychology, B-Ward]
Amanda forces Peter to take her to Christine's room. For some reason, the signs now imply Christine's in the B-Ward, when originally Peter had her put in the D-Wing. Huh? Anyway, Amanda tells Christine the letter was a nice try, but that she knows that Kyle did not sleep with her the other night. Then Amanda goes on tell Christine that she doesn't have the guts to kill herself. When Christine says she still loves Kyle, Amanda replies, "You know what? As far as Kyle's concerned, you're dead. He's mine. You show up in our lives again, I swear, I'll kill you." Amanda storms out, leaving Christine to cry in Peter's arms.

[MP, Courtyard]
Billy comes home but finds the apartment empty and dark. Then he hears the sound of a clarinet honking upstairs. He looks up and sees Jennifer dancing with straw-top again. He watches her from outside her window for a few minutes, until she feels his eyes piercing her in places she hasn't yet pierced herself. She opens the door, saying he must think she's the biggest weirdo ever. Billy says he thinks it's cool. Then he enters, asking if he could cut in on her broom. The two start dancing, but soon only their lips are making any motion. They fall onto the couch, but before Billy can get as hard has Mr. Broom's stick, he pulls away. Billy admits to Jennifer he can't do it, commenting that Sam had many an opportunity to cheat on him with Jeff Baylor but never did it. Jennifer starts to ask him, "But what if...," but never finishes her question. Instead, she tells Billy he had better go, leaving her home alone with only her original dance partner.

[Jeff Baylor's House]
Sam drops by Jeff Baylor's place with a big "Get Well" basket, compliments of the Amanda Woodward Advertising Agency. Jeff tells Sam she should be proud of him, for being back a whole day without calling her. He says he's still hot, and it's not from the sauna, but he knows how she feels about him. Sam replies, "Maybe you don't know. You have no idea. You see, I went back and I gave it the old college try." Which, is something like that famous line from "Risky Business." You try one time, and if it doesn't work, sometimes you gotta say, "What the f*ck." If every married couple put THIS much effort into saving their relationship, I think the divorce rate would be 100%. Only in America. Sam continues, adding "And I realized, that the only person I'm not being fair to, was you. Who, I can't get out of my thoughts. Who I need badly, right now." With that, the two start kissing and Jeff sucks her into the sauna with his tongue. Then the scene gets so steamy nothing more can be made out.

[Some L.A. Mission]
Megan and Michael visit some church and donate the money to help fight the war on drugs and crime in the neighborhood. If I didn't know better the father looks like A. Martinez. Thank God, this storyline is over. Amen.

[Secret Room at Wilshire Memorial, Psychology, B-Ward]
Taylor and Nick stop by Christine's room to pick her up. They want her to go to the Canyon Chapel, throw herself at Kyle's feet, and suffer the biggest nervous breakdown in the history of primetime television. That way, Kyle will feel sympathetic, Amanda will call it the last straw, and everybody (if you're Taylor and Nick) will live happily ever after. The three head outside into the parking lot. Nick says he'll take his own car, and tells the girls to follow in the other. He heads off, at which point Christine uses some of her Gulf War experience (she's so good at faking being Christine, apparently she forgot that she never served in the armed forces and has no clue how to fight) to kick and slam Taylor head first into a nearby parked car. Christine then escapes from Taylor and jumps into her Bravada, racing off to the chapel to confess to Kyle and Amanda the devious plot being waged against them, the fact that Christine is really dead, and to apologize.

[Canyon Chapel]
Kyle and Amanda exchange their vows before any of the three can arrive. Christine is first at the scene, but Nick is close on her heels. Christine gets out of the car and starts to run for the church, but Nick pursues her and tackles her. Christine's head slams right into the rear quarter panel of Kyle's Chevy Cavalier. Being the only crappy car on the show, it doesn't have a car alarm, which is a stroke of luck for Taylor and Nick, who drag Christine's dead body away and behind Taylor's Bravada. Kyle and Amanda burst out of the chapel, husband and wife, and they must truly be in love, because even though the only other cars parked next to Kyle's, is Taylor's Bravada and Nick's beat up Chevy, neither Kyle nor Amanda notice them. The two lovebirds kiss and peck at each other as they get into Kyle's car, and then they drive off, contemplating the sound of the phrase, "Mrs. McBride." Amanda says she likes it. Nick looks first at Christine, laying on the grass, then at Taylor, and says, "Okay, bright eyes, what do we do now?" Taylor doesn't say a word, either because her nickname has always been "Bird Lips," or she's finally stumped.

[To Be Continued...]

Last Modified February 24, 1998