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Melrose Place
Episode #178 / Season #6
Title: "A Tree Talks in Melrose"
Original Air Date: Monday, December 22, 1997
[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Kyle is the last to arrive at the club this morning. Taylor is already behind the hostess' booth, practicing "doing nothing" by sitting there and doing her morning lip calisthenics so she won't scare customers away when she smiles. Jennifer is hustling around doing bartender-things. Kyle tells Taylor they needn't come in so early, but Taylor reminds him this is Christmas, a time for families to get together and get plastered. She tells Kyle she performed a miracle for him, then has him focus on the stage. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was watching a scene in the After Dark club from 90210. On stage is none other than Jon Secada, who sings some David Silver-ish rendition of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (although now that I think about it, why in the world would David Silver be arranging a Christmas carol?) While Secada is singing, Kyle closes his eyes and has some slo-mo dream sequences of him sweeping Amanda off her feet back before she put on all that preggie-weight. The three of them go to the bar and have a toast, forcing Secada to down some nasty McBride scotch. Taylor begs for Secada to do a Christmas Eve show at the club, hoping the revenue they make from the show will be enough to cover their balloon payment, due at the end of the month. Secada, his throat still burning from the liquor, gasps that he'd be more than happy to help them out.
[Peter's Marina Condo]
Yes, it's Christmas-time. But just in case, we're reminded of the fact by having two holiday songs pounded into our heads after only five minutes of the show have elapsed! Peter checks out Lexi's rear, and Lexi tells him she knows he's only staring at her because he can't help seeing her as a pill popper. Yes, that's why most men look at women the way they do. Peter surprises Lexi with a sailing trip in Cabo to help relieve her stress. Peter leaves just as Jennifer arrives to go over some fabric patterns for the office with Lexi. Jennifer starts blabbering about her obsessive wish to have her relationship with Craig be as wonderful as Lexi's and Peter's. Sam found that the only way to get away from Jennifer's sob story was to get married to Billy and go on a honeymoon, so Jennifer now turns her attention to an unsuspecting Lexi. It's the same old story, Jennifer citing how wonderful Lexi and Peter look together and how she wishes she and Craig could be as happy. Lexi is spared, however, by a knowck at the door. Coop is rather low on funds, and figures he'd save thirty-two cents by driving from West Hollywood out to Marina Del Rey and delivering his alimony check to Lexi in person. Lexi reminds him that if he wins the Mancini suit, that he'll be splitting that with her also. Jennifer can't help but eavesdrop, and what she hears makes her tingling all over.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
Billy sneaks up on Sam and asks her if they can go out and get their first Christmas tree together, reminding her that today is tomorrow. Sam is too busy, working on the Seattle project. Connie butts in, saying she and her ex-boyfriend Charlie used to always end up picking out a scrawny Christmas tree every year. She volunteers to go with Billy to get a tree, but Billy says he'd rather go with his wife. Connie says to Billy, "I can go with you and 'get your tree up,' and Sam can hang big balls on it tomorrow." Sam thinks the idea sounds wonderful. But Billy steals the scene when he delivers his line, "Let's go," with such aplomb.
[MP, Coop's Apt]
Megan pays Coop a visit, asking him if it would be okay for her to resume working, even though it's only a couple days before Christmas. Megan's not as dumb as we think, figuring if she starts back to work now, she can get a paid holiday. Coop's one step ahead, however, telling her she can start back tomorrow doing half-days (after all, part-timers aren't eligible for benefits). Coop notices something else is bothering Megan. She breaks down and tells him she had divorce papers drawn up but that she's having a difficult time signing them, considering Michael was responsible for changing her life for the better. Then a delivery boy arrives with a package for Megan. It's in the shape of a Christmas tree, but Megan exclaims, "I wonder what it is," shattering any credibility she may have earned regarding her intelligence. Coop comments he thinks it's a Christmas tree. Megan finds a little black device hanging from one of the branches, and she presses its button. A digital recording of Michael singing Christmas carol #3 starts playing. Coop cringes with jealousy, turns the noisemaker off, and asks, "You're not going to keep it, are you?" She does, and takes a raincheck on Coop's offer of a cup of coffee since she figures it's going to take her all night long to get rid of all that white stuff that someone sprayed on the pine needles.
[Spruce Forest]
It's actually just a parking lot full of dried-out Christmas trees, but it's the closest thing to a forest any of these characters will ever see. Billy and Connie are searching for a tree. Connie tells Billy that it's typical of Sam to spend late nights wrapped-up in whatever project she happens to be involved in. Billy says that he's a project, too, and so some of her time belongs to him now. Billy turns and runs into a tree, so he tells the tree dude he'll take that one. Connie continues, telling Billy that Sam won't spend too many nights away from him, if she knows what's best for her. Billy asks Connie what she means by that remark, so Connie leans over and gives Billy a nice tongue lashing. If he didn't know what she was talking about before, now he's really confused. He asks her why she did that and she points to the mistletoe above their heads and comments, what better way to help get his tree up.
[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Craig runs up to the bar, demanding to know why Jennifer is refusing to return his phone calls. She tells him she's angry that he's siding with Coop. They argue about the authenticity of Coop's documentation, and Craig cuts whatever thread of a relationship they had and leaves. Kyle sees this and goes over to Jennifer to see if she's alright. She informs Kyle that Craig just broke up with her, then thanks him for his concern by reminding him that he broke up with her last Christmas Eve, and how he rubbed salt in her wound by buying Taylor a diamond bracelet. Kyle shrinks up and withers away, and Jennifer sighs with a dash of sarcasm, "Yeah, it's a Wonderful Life." That's funny, but I think those were Aaron Spelling's exact words after the Hunter Tylo verdict this afternoon. (For those of you who haven't yet heard, Hunter Tylo was awarded $4 million for mental anguish and $900,000 for lost wages today in her suit against Spelling and Melrose Place.)
[Park Bench]
Jennifer, disguised as Jackie O, is seated at one end of a park bench. Coop shows up and seats himself at the other end. Jennifer offers Coop a proposal, telling him if he agrees to hand over the original glove design documents and drop the lawsuit against Michael, that she'll see to it that Lexi keeps her claws out of him. Coop asks her to convince him why he should drop the charges. Jennifer reasons, if Coop drops the lawsuit, he won't get millions of dollars that he'd probably have to split with Lexi. That's good enough for Coop and they shake on the deal.
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office]
Megan is enjoying her first day back at work. She hands Michael his mail, and then tries to tell him about the divorce papers, but before she can, he surprises her with another gift. This time, he gives her a pair of love birds, which he's named Megan and Michael. Megan decides to postpone telling him and takes the birds back to her desk. Coop pokes his head from his perch and sees the present. Megan tells Coop that she finally signed the papers but doesn't plan on serving them until after Christmas, explaining, "There may not be a bra under this blouse, but there certainly is a heart."
[Design Showroom]
Lexi and Jennifer leave the lamp equivalent of the flower mart. Lexi tells Jennifer she can probably get a better deal on the lamps after the holidays. Jennifer starts up with the "Lexi, you're so lucky to have Peter" routine again, only this time Jennifer adds, "It must be so stressful to be involved in a hit-and-run." Jennifer informs Lexi that she knows all about the accident and how Peter and she are covering up the incident. (I forgot to mention last week that, while Jennifer was breaking-and-entering Coop's medical office, she overheard Peter and Lexi talking about the accident while Peter was getting Lexi some more pills. Sorry about that!) Obviously, Jennifer got a normal blackmail chromosome, evident from the way she handles Lexi. Jennifer promises that Lexi's secret will be safe with her as long as Lexi lets Coop off the hook. Lexi asks why Jennifer is doing this, so Jennifer explains it's so Coop will let Michael off the hook. Of course, this doesn't mean Jennifer wants Lexi to stop the redecorating job.
[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt]
Sam is still nowhere in sight, leaving Billy and Connie alone to decorate the tree. Connie has to explain to Billy to hang the bigger, heavier ornaments towards the bottom, and the smaller, lighter ones towards the top. Then she tries to explain that the tinsel should be applied one strand at a time. "That's the way Sam would have wanted it," Connie says. Connie continues by telling Billy that she's seen Sam go through guy after guy, and how Sam would throw herself into work whenver she became bored with her current boyfriend. Billy realizes Christmas is almost here, so he takes the entire box of tinsel and throws it onto one branch of the tree. Then, in an un-Billy-like move, Billy confronts Connie about her behavior. He tells her the kiss she planted on him was not innocent. She replies, "It was to me, Billy, but if you're still thinking about it, it must have really turned you on." He tells Connie she has to move out after the holidays and find her own place. Then he leaves.
[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
Amanda and Sam are finishing up work on the Seattle account. Sam hints that she'd really like to spend some of the Christmas holiday with Billy, saying "Just seeing him makes me want to light candles, and sing Christmas carols." If she's referring to lighting a menorrah, I think she's got her holidays mixed up. Amanda admits Christmas isn't one of the Woodward favorites, citing the episode where Amanda dreamt she was Scrooge and had no friends. Just then, Billy pops in saying it's Christmas and he wants to take his wife to dinner. Amanda lets them go, saying to Sam, "Fortunately, you married the number two man in my company." Billy seems to be proud of this distinction... oh wait, excuse me for a minute, I have to let my dog out. He's scratching at the door, I think he has to do "number two."
[Peter's Marina Condo]
Peter wakes up in the middle of the night. He reaches over for Lexi but she's not in bed. He gets up and calls out for her, asking if she's in the bathroom doing number two, but there is no response. So he heads downstairs where he finds his doctor's bag left wide open. Then he goes to the kitchen, where he finds her body on the floor, unconcious. Apparently, she couldn't take hearing Jennifer whine about her lousy relationship with Craig anymore, and the only way she knew of escaping was to overdose on sleeping pills. Peter calls the hospital and tells them Lexi's respiration is as shallow as her personality so they had better hurry with the ambulance. He hangs up, looks at the comatose Lexi laying on the floor and realizes just where Coop's coming from. Peter leans over Lexi's face, and under the pretense of CPR, starts kissing her.
[Wilshire Memorial]
Coop is sitting by Lexi's side, stroking her long red hair as she lay there unconcious. Performing his magic on comatose victim number three, Lexi comes to. He asks her why she did it, and she answers that he's off the hook and that she'll put it in writing. Peter enters and Coop leaves. Peter asks her why she tried to leave him. She tells Peter she was scared that he was going to leave her the same way Coop did. Peter blurts out, "So what? You figured you'd leave me first?" By the tone in Peter's voice, you can tell that even he is starting to find this storyline a little too ridiculous.
[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office]
Michael shows up again with yet another gift. This time it's a glass globes with a snow scene of the beach house, custom made with the engraving, "It's so cold without you. Come home." He leaves. Coop pops out of his office, asking Megan if they're still on for drinks later that night. She says yes, then leaves her desk, carrying her gift with her. I guess her half-day was done. Anyway, the phone at the receptionist's desk starts ringing so Coop has to answer it. It's Megan's attorney, who is in the middle of a Christmas party at the law office. Everyone is getting sloshed. Coop tells the lawyer that Megan wanted the divorce papers served to Michael tonight, before Christmas.
[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt]
Billy and Sam are wrapped in each other's legs and arms, like a couple of gifts under the Christmas tree. In between kisses, Billy tells Sam that he gave Connie a bunch of storyboards to do, which should keep her busy long enough for him to reach orgasm, which probably means erasing a couple of stray pencil marks. Then Billy makes the mistake of telling Sam he kicked Connie out of the apartment. Sam pushes Billy back. Connie was like Sam's newborn baby, "family" is the way she put it. Billy plays his trump card and tells Sam how Connie kissed him. By the way Billy lisped "We were lip locked," obviously, it was a pretty hard kiss, his lips looking almost as swollen as Taylor's. Sam and he get into a fight and Billy storms outside while Sam runs into the bedroom. But then, the sounds of Herb Alpert's Christmas cornet cut through the air with his rendition of "Silent Night," drawing the two newlyweds back into each other's arms for a night of jingle bells.
[Upstairs Jazz Club]
It's the special Jon Secada concert tonight. All the lonely hearts are having a white Christmas the only way they know how in Hollywood... at least in the restrooms. Amanda stops by to speak to Kyle for a minute. She tells Kyle she needs him, but the sight of her double chin makes him think twice about taking her back. Then he recalls the night she slept with Eric Baines. Amanda denies any sex ever took place. But Kyle's point is that she went there with the intention of having sex, which was as bad, if not worse. He bids her adeiu, and she leaves. Seconds later, Taylor bursts in with the cash purse for the club. She tosses several handfuls of money onto Kyle's desk. He takes one glance at the cash and estimates there's 25 thousand there, just enough to settle their balloon payment. He starts drinking heavily, and Taylor leaves to be the gracious host.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
Coop stops by. Jennifer informs him Megan won't be home for another half an hour. But Coop is carrying an envelope and a notebook that he hands to Jennifer. It's the paperwork stating he will drop the lawsuit, as well as the original glove documentation. He shows Jennifer the dates on the sketches, which he had notorized. Jennifer realizes that Michael lied to her and actually did steal the idea from Coop. Coop informs Jennifer that Lexi almost died as a result of this by O.D.'ing on sleeping pills. Well, thirty minutes must've passed, because in what seems like seconds, Megan returns home. Jennifer scoots on out, carrying the notebook but forgetting the envelope. Megan and Coop kiss, but are interrupted by a knock at the door. When Megan answers, she is handed a small box from a guy I could've swore was Lou Diamond Phillips (could it be he's been relegated to bit parts, just like Jan-Michael Vincent these days?) She opens the box to find an empty heart locket. Coop almost barfs and has to leave when she says she should go to the beach house and at least talk with Michael.
[Beach House]
Michael is getting into the holiday spirit, even donning a Santy Claus costume. The doorbell rings and he runs to the door, expecting Megan. He's not totally wrong. It's not Megan, but Megan's divorce papers instead. In a fit of rage epilepsy not seen since late last season, Michael proceeds to tear all the Christmas decorations apart, tossing them into the fireplace.
[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Taylor goes into Kyle's office, but finds Kyle passed out. She puts all the money in the bag and starts to put it away into the safe. But then she gets an idea, and says, "Just doing this for us, baby." With that, she takes the money and runs. Hopefully, to a good plastic surgeon this time.
[MP, Billy & Sam's Apt]
After a heavy night of reindeer games, Billy and Sam wake up in bed, Billy pressed against her from behind. Sam coos that she needs a recharge, so Billy hops out of bed to make some coffee. Their bedroom carpet is filthy, covered with mud prints or something. Billy almost steps on the storyboard that Connie worked on the night before and left at their bedroom door. Sam orders Billy to go and apologize to Connie. So Billy taps on Connie's bedroom door. There's no answer, so rather than figure she's still sleeping, Billy opens the door. To his surprise, there lay Connie, "fast asleep," totally naked with the sheet pulled down to her waist. Billy discovers that Rudolph's nose isn't the only thing with a red tip this Christmas holiday. He picks up his jaw, then shuts the door. Connie turns over, then opens her eyes and smiles.
[Beach House]
Michael is sitting on the porch, having some Christmas morning cheer -- I mean -- beer. Jennifer shows up and starts whacking him. He asks if she got the glove documentation. Jennifer keeps hitting him while she acknowledges that she did. She can't believe he lied to her, caused her to lose Craig, and almost killed Lexi. But Michael tells her all that matters is that they won. Jennifer leaves without so much as an egg nog.
[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Kyle wakes up at the club, still in a daze from his drinking binge. Taylor shows up and volunteers to take the money to the depository for him. He realizes he left the money out all over the desk so he runs upstairs, only to find it missing. He can't believe how stupid he was not to put it away in the safe. So Taylor suggests they go to Vegas and try to win the $25,000 by playing craps. Sound advice for anyone contemplating starting their own business. Since Kyle already admitted he's a stupid person, it comes as no surprise when he agrees to Taylor's plan.
[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
Michael visits Megan, thanking her for her divorce papers stocking stuffer. Then he demands his gifts back. She obliges, except for the love birds, knowing that everything Michael touches dies. Good thing he hasn't been operating lately. Michael leaves with the gifts he had given Megan, then when he sees Coop enter Megas s apartment he throws the little Christmas tree into the pool in a fit of anger. Finally, the pool is being used again the way it was meant to be. Amanda arrives home just in time to witness Michael's tantrum. He storms out and Amanda proclaims, "God bless us, everyone." One thing's for sure, Amanda's now triple chin is definitely no Tiny Tim.
[To Be Continued...]
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