Melrose Place
Episode #169 / Season #5
Title:  "The Doctor Is In... Deep"
Original Air Date:  Monday, September 29, 1997

Episode Summary

[Coop's Place]
Coop, rattling an aspirin bottle and gulping OJ from the carton, wakes Peter, who had crashed on the couch from their drinking binge at Kyle's the restaurant last night. Peter realizes he's in Matt's apt, and he comments that he never thought he'd be waking up here again. Excuse me, but Matt wouldn't have been caught dead with such an ugly sofa. Or is it Coop's, who just happened to move out to CA with a suitcase and a love seat? I vote it goes into the Melrose Mistakes bin, for those who keep track of this sort of thing (which must keep you awfully busy, I might add!) Peter acts as though he's in hell, noting that this is where his ex-wife lives. Coop begs Peter not to bring up the sore subject of ex-wives, especially since that's what started their heavy drinking last night in the first place and how they killed off a whole body (or was that bottle? -- hey, they work at Wilshire Memorial, so it could be both!), as well as some brain cells. Peter bolts.

[The Courtyard]
Peter, attempting to escape the Hades of Hollywood, flees for the gate, but runs into Amanda who belts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She's accuses Peter of tipping off Craig. Peter denies the accusation, but wishes he did do it, thinking it might take Amanda down a peg or two. Amanda tells Peter she has an ally with *real* assets, so there's nothing to stop her now.  This cheerful morning chit-chat is interrupted when Flower Boy arrives with a dozen red roses for Amanda. However, due to time constraints, Flower Boy leaves without having Amanda sign his clipboard (oops!). Kyle pops up just in time to see flowers, twinging another jealous bone in his body. Peter leaves, adding "Well, how does it feel to dance with the devil?"

[Burns-Mancini-Cooper Medical Office]
Coop shows Michael a brochure about a weekend medical education conference up in Santa Barbara, but Michael informs Coop that he knows everything he needs to know about medicine already. Then Megan grabs Michael, telling him that their Italian kooky, Dr. Biscotti, wants them back for a cappuccino and a second therapy session. Michael resists the idea, suggesting they share feelings through "pillow talk." But Megan says that's against therapist's orders. The phone starts ringing in Michael's office, and he runs over, saying it's his private line. Funny how Michael gets a "private line" installed now that Syd and Kimmy, the only two who would ever dare eavesdrop, are both dead and buried! It's Taylor calling, and she asks, "Now when can you do me," reminding Michael that if he thought her face had big lips, he should see how wide her lips of fertility are spread. As soon as Michael hangs up, Megan begins pestering him again about couple's therapy. So Michael decides to use the Santa Barbara conference as an excuse to delay having another session as well as avoid Lips, and promises Megan they'll go see the therapist as soon as he returns.

[Billy & Sam's Apt]
Amanda stops by to get Billy. The two of them are going to go check out the new office space that she's getting for her company. Sam is surprised how quickly things are moving. She still hasn't realized that this is the show where storylines only last several weeks and where babies are born in several months. Amanda and Billy talk about who could be leaking information to Craig, but Amanda isn't worried, knowing Craig has less smarts for business than he does for advertising. Billy gives his a goofy look as he wonders who the traitor is, while all the time is Sam standing in the background.

[Burns-Mancini-Cooper Medical Office]
Coop gets a call from Lexi, his ex-wife. She wants to take him to the cleaners, and tells him she's coming to L.A. to do it. He informs her that he's going to be in Santa Barbara for the weekend, attending a medical conference, and that he'll be staying at the Regency Hotel. Lexi tells him she'll be there, and before Coop can say, "Everybody was kung fu fighting...," Lexi hangs up fast as lightning. Just then, Peter walks into the office. Coop, noticing how similarly their hairstyles are, as well as their clothes, asks Peter if he could cover for him up at the conference this weekend. Peter thinks about f for a second, then says "What the hell."

[New Office Area]
Amanda and Billy are inspecting the new offices, the walls painted in that patent "D&D pink." Amanda says they can probably finalize the lease by Monday morning, and Billy assures her that it should be a breeze to furnish the *entire* place over the weekend. Boy, he'll say anything to please the boss. Then Craig shows up, saying that he's already leased this office space for 10% above market value, and has also made offers to his existing clients that they surely won't refuse. He tells Amanda she doesn't know who she's dealing with, then turns to Billy to offer him one last chance to stay with Sky High. Next, Craig and Billy do their best to see who can give the worse acting performance, while Amanda calls Eric Baines for reinforcements. She asks for mo' money, but Eric, being much more experienced in the advertising game, tells Amanda it's not a money problem, and he'll make some calls and bring some pressure to bear. Meanwhile, Billy tells Craig the "man" in Amanda is man enough for him. Craig replies, "That's why you'll always be a second banana."

[Sky High Advertising]
Jennifer stops by Sky High in the middle of the night, finding Craig sitting on the visitor couch in the dark, going over some spreadsheets. Craig has a hard enough time saying spreadsheets, let alone knowing what they are. Obviously feeling the pressure as a result of Eric Baine's phone calls, Craig tells Jennifer he's got some unexpected setbacks, he doesn't know where they're coming from, and he doesn't know whom he can trust. She says he can trust her. She offers to help by getting Craig a cup of coffee. As she's doing this, she babbles on and on about perfume or something, and by the time she returns to the couch with the coffee, Craig is fast asleep. Poor Craig. He was doing so well until that meddling Mancini stepped in, putting him to sleep. But no one ever said those lips of hers were made for talkin'.

[Billy & Sam's Apt]
Billy arrives home late at night. Considering he no longer works at Sky High, and Amanda Woodward Advertising isn't around yet, just what does he do until this late? Sam doesn't seem to wonder. That's because she's so busy cleaning her closet. She takes the phrase, "Start clean" literally. After this, she's going to take another shower. She tells Billy she wants to start her life over and make a new beginning, then adds that she's the one responsible for leaking the info to Craig. Billy has a cow, but lucky for him, his doesn't take it literally like Sam would. He can't believe she's playing with his life like this, and to add emphasis, he puts his hand to his forehead, and drops his jaw. When Billy tells her he could end up with nothing because of this, she smiles and says, "You'd still have me." Billy replies, "Oh, great. We could go get jobs at the grocery store together," which is how I picture him anyway. "Paper or plastic?" After about the thousandth time, I think he'd be able to deliver this line without stuttering!

[Santa Barbara]
Award for Wordiest Sign this week goes the conference in S.B., which reads, "West Coast Physicians Medical Education Conference And Seminar Series." Michael and Peter arrive for the weekend. Peter tells Michael he sees enough of him at the office, so to leave him alone. A Courtney Thorne-Smith look alike is working behind the registration table, and informs a young redhead, Lexi, that Dr. Cooper is registered, but hasn't shown up yet. A bit perturbed, Lexi turns around to leave and she bumps into Peter. No grinding yet, but the episode's still young... Peter asks if there's anything he can help her with. She replies coldly, "I doubt it!" and storms off. Peter watches her leave and smiles. Looks like the doctor's smitten.

[Kyle's the Restaurant]
For some reason, while Michael is away, Megan finds herself having lunch with Cooper, who rambles on about his failed marriage, his ugly ex-wife, and how not even counseling could help. Fortunately, this all goes over Megan's pretty little head. Coop segues to Michael, then to Kimberly. Megan explains that Kimberly had an aneurysm that went "Pop!" and how Michael didn't operate because Kimberly didn't want him to. Coop mumbles, "That's one way to back out of a relationship." Megan tells Coop that Michael loved Kimberly, and that Kimberly was the one that introduced Megan to Michael. Coop suggests Megan go to Santa Barbara to surprise Michael. Now for a serious Melrose Moment: "Life is short, unless you're the one left behind. Then days could just drag on." (Golly, I could hear Macdonald Carey saying this...)

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Jennifer, sporting a new collar around her neck, barks to Kyle about how Amanda's out to crush Craig, "No mercy, no prisoners," as well as reveal a little about the secret partner that Amanda has been talking with. Amanda strolls over and Kyle says to her, "I understand you've taken off the gloves in this thing with Craig." Amanda, mixing metaphors as well as sports, answers, "Well, business is business, and from where I'm standing, if Craig wants to play hardball, he's gotta learn how to take fast pitches." Amanda, not baseball gloves, boxing gloves! Craig stumbles over, intoxicated, and concedes defeat, saying he took the pitches right between the eyes and adding, "That big New York boyfriend of yours, went the whole 9 yards for you, forcing my banks to pull out..." That makes three sports in four sentences. Whoa, the "boyfriend" thing sure perked Kyle's ears up, and he asks what really happened in New York. Amanda discounts everything Craig said, explaining that Craig is taking wild shots, something expected of a loser like him. Kyle's reply: "He's a human being Amanda. Have a little compassion."

[Eclipse Restaurant]
Billy takes Sam out for dinner to celebrate the successful takeover. Supposedly, he's so excited that he can barely utter his lines. (And some call this acting!) "I'm going to be the new #2 man at the new #1 agency." My question is, who's the #1 man, while Sam's question is, where does this leave Craig? Billy rolls his eyes, and answers, "Unemployed, I guess." Sam begs him to never leave her. He promises, saying "I love you... I'm here, because I want to be, because I want to be with you. Because I want (gulp), I want you to be my (gulp), I want you to be my (gulp)..." Sam interrupts him --mouth smiling, face glowing -- asking, "What? What were you going to say? You want me to be your whaaat?" There are many words that begin with "w," and several describe Billy at this moment -- weenie, wimp, wascally wabbit -- but the "w" word Sam was hoping to hear never sounds. Instead, Billy says, "I want you to be there for me. I want us to be there for each other." Boo. Hiss.

[Santa Barbara]
The CTS-double finds Michael at the bar, and tells him his wife is waiting for him in his room. Michael, excited that Megan is here, runs out. Lexi is also at the bar, enjoying a martini. Peter strolls up, bumping into her for a second time, and asks, "Is there anything I can do now?" Lexi replies, "If you're a doctor, I don't even want to know you." That's why she's still hanging around a doctors' convention I guess. Boys, get your pencils out and write this line down, cuz it really works: "(Sniff sniff) Oh, Chanel No. 5." Your conquest will reply, "No, Obsession." Then all you have to say is, "I mean Obsession. I've been there." All that's left is to find your hotel keys so you can do some more "bumping into" up in your room. Peter tries to introduce himself, but she stops him, saying she doesn't even want to exchange first names.

[Michael's Hotel Suite]
Michael runs to his room and hears the shower running. Like a scene from "Psycho," he rips open the shower curtain, then jumps back in horror. Instead of it being his wife, Megan, it's Lips, eyes bugging out at him! She pulls him into the wet confines of the shower and points her fingers at him, telling him to keep his hands up and no one will get hurt. As the water rains down on them, Michael uses his squeegee one more time on Taylor's fertile window.

[Peter's Hotel Suite]
Peter and Lexi are back upstairs, lips a'locking. Suddenly, Lexi comes to her senses and brushes Peter back. She explains she can't do this, that she's only been with one man her entire life. Peter figures her out, describing her as a rich girl, summers on the Cape, a Smith education, who would never be caught in such a lustful situation. She says she's figured him out too, saying he's the preppy type, the over-achiever, who never does anything he's not good at... golf, surgery..." (Peter adds, "Sex.") She also knows his heart's been ripped to shreds by some woman, just like hers was ripped apart by a man. She says she gave everything to the one man in her life, but he just discarded her like she was some cheap Savannah trash. They have a tender moment, then she leaves, promising to call him tomorrow morning. In all the passion of the moment, Peter forgot they never exchanged names. Duh!

[Santa Barbara]
The next day, Michael is sitting poolside when Peter runs up, asking if Michael saw him with a woman last night. It seems Peter never got the call from the woman whose name he doesn't know. These medical conferences are pretty tough... nights at the bar, days by the pool... A cabana boy comes over with a message for Michael, saying Michael's wife is waiting for him in his room. Michael sighs, "Again?" He never knew he'd have to use his chief-of-staff so often.  This time, however, when he rips the shower curtain open, he finds Megan all hot and wet for him. Suddenly, Michael hears Taylor enter downstairs, so he tells Megan he'll meet her in the bedroom, then quickly runs downstairs to kick Taylor out.

[Sky High Advertising]
Craig should've listened to Chicken Little. Sky High has fallen, and Craig is in the office sweeping up the pieces. Jennifer is there too, and can't figure why Craig let everyone off the hook so easily. Craig tells her it's important not to burn bridges (We're learning so much about life this episode!) Then Amanda pays a visit to Sky High, apologizing to Craig and offering him a job, a high-level executive position. Craig laughs in her face, then adds the piece de resistance when he says, "I'll crush you flatter than spit."

[Michael's Suite]
Michael and Megan are enjoying a glass of champagne, when they're interrupted by a phone call from Lips McBride, who threatens to tell Megan everything unless comes over and does her now. Michael leaves under the pretense of getting more ice for the champagne bucket. He runs over to Taylor's suite, and they do it again in the shower. Thirty seconds later, Michael arrives back at his place. Lucky for him he doesn't have to perform again because Megan says she's not in the mood.

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Jennifer tells Kyle that Amanda actually apologized to Craig and offered him a job. Kyle is surprised to hear this, then tells Jennifer she has the give the devil her due. Jennifer figures Amanda must've been on drugs. Kyle asks Jennifer if she knows where Amanda is, and Jennifer recalls Amanda saying she'd be working late at the new offices. Kyle asks Jennifer to cover so he could slip out, with intentions to "slip in" somewhere else real soon.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Taylor stops by to see Michael. He jumps away, telling her he can't have sex with her again this soon. But Taylor's there to tell Michael there's no need because she's "with child." Michael looks at her cross-eyed, telling her it's impossible to know this early, but she says she could feel the moment of conception. Then she thanks him for all his "hard" work. She thought it was great not having any emotions or attachments, allowing them to concentrate on the mechanics without any distracting feelings. She gives Michael the thumbs up, adding, "Bravo, Mr. Mechanics!"

[Billy & Sam's Apt]
Sam brings Billy breakfast "in bed." Of course, we're talking about Sam here, who takes everything literally. So naturally, she drops the tray, causing the food to spill all over the bed, the chill of the orange juice causing Billy to shrivel up. Hopefully, for Billy's sake, this isn't indicative of her domestic skills. Sam is so excited, because she finally figured out what Billy was trying to say to her at the restaurant the night before. So she says, "Yes, I will marry you!" Billy treats us to facial expression #9, then stammers, "I love you, but..."

[Kyle's the Restaurant]
Taylor runs over to have Kyle feel her tummy, just before Amanda walks in. Now Amanda knows Kyle's a chef, but when she catches him touching this oven, she chokes briefly on her own spit. Taylor asks, "Oh, do you want to feel Kyle's baby, too?"

[Burns-Mancini-Cooper]
Peter arrives at the office to a screaming session between Cooper and some redhead. Coop introduces Lexi to Peter. They pretend this is their first meeting and exchange pleasantries, although you know by his smile that Peter hopes he can one day make her scream as loud as she had been when he entered.

[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
The office is open for business. The Realtor hands Amanda the keys, and Kyle's there to applaud. Billy's there too, and the first thing he does as a new employee at Amanda Woodward Advertising is ask if he could knock off early! He wants to go see Sam, whom he describes as being a little on edge. The queen says it's okay with her, just as soon as he finalizes the paperwork, calls *all* the employees about work tomorrow, organizes the ribbon-cutting event, and touches base with all the clients. Isn't he glad he's the #2 man? Just as Kyle and Amanda begin to hug, they're interrupted by a surprise visit by Eric Baines, who informs Amanda that he likes it so much in L.A. that he's decided to relocate.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Coop, sitting in the dark in Michael's Chief-of-Staff office at the hospital, returns Kimberly's mother's call. She had been leaving message after message for him with his Cleveland answering service. Why? Not much else to do in Ohio, I guess. Anyway, he tells her he's moved to Los Angeles, and has partnered up with Michael Mancini. This causes Mrs. Shaw to gasp and warn him to leave immediately, but Coop assures her he's got everything under control.

[Billy & Sam's Apt]
Yet another stellar scene from the Biwwy-monster. He returns to the apt, calling for Sam. He finds a note on the bed that reads, "Dear Billy, I hope this makes your life more stable. Good-bye. Love, Sam." Billy walks to the closet and opens it up, but she's not there either! He grits his teeth and roars like a lion... cub, that is.

[Royal Beach Hotel, Room 254]
Peter bangs on the door, then bangs Lexi on the floor.

[To Be Continued...]

Last Updated September 30, 1997