Melrose Place
Episode #168 / Season #6
Title:  "No Time For Sperm Banks"
Original Air Date:  Monday, September 22, 1997

Synopsis

[Billy & Sam's Apt]
For those, whose sole purpose for enduring this show for 60 minutes week in and week out is to catch a glimpse of Pool Boy, this is your first chance this season! For the rest of you, Sam wakes up and finds Billy sitting at the kitchen table, having just pulled an all-nighter. She tells him she really needs to talk to him, but Billy will be Billy, and all can manage is to flash his snidely grin at her and tell her he's late for a meeting with Peter Burns. For those Melrose newbies, play this scene back a few times on your VCR and memorize it, otherwise, you'll get confused when you see any of his other grins later on in the show. Finally, Sam wonders what he's been working on through the night, but before he tells her, he asks if she can keep a secret. Has he forgotten who he's talking to? Anyone who knows Sam knows Maryland's state motto must be "Honesty is the best policy!" Billy goes ahead and tells her that Peter wants to invest in Amanda's new ad agency. Being the braggart that he is, Billy adds that getting Amanda interested was his idea, fueled by his "total disregard for Craig." Billy explains that this should destroy Sky High since all the employees will follow and then so will the clients. Being an ad exec sure looks wearing, with all that constant moving from takeover to hostile takeover... no wonder they're always working at night, it's the only time they can get anything done. Billy leaves but all I can do is realize there must've been some leftover green paint, the stuff used to paint the apt doors, because all the chairs, curtains,  and do-dads on the walls of their home are all painted that same color. Not only did Spelling cut costs by rejecting Syd's contract request, but now he's skimping on the sets! Bastard.

[Craig's Apt]
After Billy runs out, Sam dashes over to see Craig. Both of them are bra-less, and on top of that, Craig's shirt is completely unbuttoned, something Sam would never venture to do. Craig tells her he couldn't sleep last night from thinking about how he tried to run Sam over. He finally realizes he shouldn't be blaming Sam and Billy, that he should be directing his anger towards Spelling instead. Better watch out Craig, thoughts like that might end up causing you to become a soon-to-be departed! Sam looks like she wants to tell Craig about Billy and Amanda's takeover plans, but all she says is that she didn't tell Billy about the incident. They hug, but are interrupted when Jennifer shows up asking, "Is this a private conversation, or can anybody get a hug?" Sam vamooses, and Jennifer tells Craig she just wanted to make sure he got home okay last night, after having one whole drink at Upstairs before she had to cut him off. He tells her to go to hell (not in so many words), but before she leaves Jennifer adds, "We may not be friends, but we are lovers. And nothing can change that. Not even Samantha Reilly."

[Restaurant Courtyard]
"So, the bottom number on this spreadsheet, that's the start-up capital Amanda's going to need to start up her own agency?" Wow, not only does Peter understand what the word "Total:" means next to the bottom number on the spreadsheet, but Billy actually knows how to use Excel! Gates doesn't even know how to use the thing. Billy even shows Peter a logo he came up with, which reads, "Amanda Woodward Advertising." Well, I'm glad the writers haven't lost any creativity since last year, when they came up with such stellar business names as "Jane's," "Sydney's," "Kyle's," and "Eat at Jake's." I guess it could've been worse -- it could've been called "Mandy's." Peter tells Billy that Amanda doesn't know about his investment interest yet, but that he plans on telling her soon. "The only thing stopping Amanda is her mind."

[Beach House]
Jennifer arrives to take Michael to work, only she's a little late (her thirty second tryst with Craig must've accounted for that) and Michael is fuming. "I'm helping the morally-challenged out of the goodness of my heart" she says defensively. Michael informs her he's now late for work and asks if she would at least dial the hospital for him. She does, and I'll be the first to admit she'd make one damn good secretary. First of all, Jennifer punches in the number without asking what the hospital phone number is. Secondly, she dials the number without even the slightest glance at the phone's keypad, staring at Michael the whole time instead. At thirdly, she dials 11 digits, meaning she must already know which exchanges fall under the new area codes! She hands the phone to Michael, who can't seem to dial yet can hold the receiver just fine. To his surprise, the person on the other end isn't from the hospital, it's Megan instead. She asks how his hands are doing and he asks her to dinner, with a little coaxing from Jennifer. She agrees. Michael, who needed Jennifer to pick him up to take him to work, tells Megan he'll pick her up around seven tomorrow night.

[Sky High Advertising]
Craig catches Billy as he's arriving late to work. Billy slips the prospectus he made for Peter into a drawer of his desk. Craig offers his apologies for being such a jerk, and promises Billy that one day, they'll be partners. Billy shrugs his shoulders, reaches into his bag of grins for a smile, and says, "For now, let's take it one day at a time." Craig agrees, then takes one last glance at the drawer where Billy put the file folder before leaving.

[The Sperm Bank of Los Angeles]
Unfortunately, there aren't any drive-up tellers at this bank, so Michael and Taylor find themselves sauntering through the halls inside The Sperm Bank of Los Angeles. Michael explains to Taylor what ovulation means and how they'll inseminate her during her fertility window. When Taylor thinks about taking one of the thousands of test tubes of frozen sperm and having to use it like her battery-operated device at home, she exclaims "Yuk! That just takes the fun out of sex." Taylor then specifies her sperm donor requirements, saying he should be a Stanford, Harvard, or Yale grad, and preferably a lawyer. Is Taylor talking about sperm, or scum? Michael laughs, reminding Taylor the idea is to achieve pregnancy with a donor who has characteristics similar to Kyle's. In other words, someone who slurs their lines. Michael adds the donor should also have a high school education, sling hash, and be a jar head to boot.

[Burns-Mancini Medical Office]
Peter arrives at the office, only to find Harvey Wallbanger explaining to Dr. Cooper how he can blow out one of the office walls to gain more space. Megan introduces Dr. Cooper to Peter as a new partner in the firm. If Peter ever experienced rage epilepsy, this would be it. There's a knock at the door to the office, and Peter gets it, knowing full well it must be Michael, the semi-invalid. Peter asks Michael, "What? Did you think I wouldn't notice another doctor hanging around the office?" Michael pulls Brett into his office and explains that his plan is "Two Against One" -- he and Brett will push Peter out of the practice.

[MP Courtyard]
Amanda and Kyle return home from the club, Kyle exclaiming, "Oooh, I'm beat." "Too bad. I was just getting my second wind," Amanda coos, then proceeds to bombard Kyle's face with kisses. From this, I can only conclude they must've had desk sex at work, a much needed and missing part of the show as of late. Despite her amorous advances, something in the air makes Kyle stop suddenly. He's reminded that he has to check up on Taylor and her morning sickness. Maybe it's just the stench from the courtyard that reminded Kyle of vomit, which in turn, reminded him of Taylor.

[Taylor's Apt]
Amanda watches jealously, as Kyle steps into Taylor's place. Once inside, Kyle asks what the doctor had to say. Taylor answers that the doctor said she should get used to these sick spells, at least for the first three months. Kyle asks if the doctor mentioned a due date, and Taylor, never really good with numbers, says she's due in February, a whole 5 months away! But then again, Melrose seems to run by a different clock. And lucky for Taylor, Kyle isn't too good at numbers either. His response: "Duh!"

[Amanda's Apt]
Jennifer stops by to drop off her rent check and wish Amanda a nice day, then proceeds to ruin it by rubbing Taylor's name in her face, as well as mention how Kyle seems to be glowing now that Taylor's "with child."

[Burns-Mancini-Cooper Medical Office]
Peter finishes a meeting with his accountant, and talk about a transfer of funds causes Megan to pry. Wearing her Victoria's Secret office outfit, "busting" out of a black lace top and wrapped in a tight blue blazer, she struts over to Peter's office and warns him that he better not be planning anything against Michael. Peter assures Megan that he doesn't plan on divulging his plans with the enemy's wife. Then, in his next breath, he divulges his plans, telling her he plans on investing in Amanda's new ad agency. Megan huffs, "Oh, I get it. Now that you and Taylor are past tense, you want Amanda back. That is such a guy-thing." I guess Megan forgot about her scheme with Kimberly, when Kimberly wanted Michael back. Megan then says to Peter, "Don't try to buy love. Money only buys you a warm body and a cold heart." Was that a proposition, or sound advice? Whatever the case, Peter flies the coop just as Coop flies in. Megan immediately presents him with some telephone messages, saying "Your wife... three times." Coop corrects her, saying, "My shrew of an ex-wife," then adds, "and I really don't want to talk to her. So, if you could you keep taking messages I'd really appreciate it." Megan smiles. Then Coop asks whether his files have arrived from Cleveland. Megan says they haven't, but she'll file everything as soon as it arrives. This causes Coop to jerk, and he blurts out, "No!" He explains that he just wants to look the files over first so not to touch them. She smiles.

[Sky High Advertising]
Craig peeks into Billy's office but there's no sign of Campbell. Just to be sure, Craig asks some nearby employees, who confirm that Billy is away from the office. Craig pretends to look for a file, then makes his way over to Billy's desk drawer, pulling out the Amanda Woodward Advertising file. Remember the old adage, "When it's really important, put it in an unlocked cabinet drawer, " and the axiom, "If it's really important, and the drawer has a lock, tape the key to aforementioned lock underneath a nearby desktop."

[MP Laundry Room]
later that evening, Craig surprises Sam in the apartment complex's laundry room. If Sam can't be found at her apt, chances are she'll be here. Craig asks Sam what Billy is up to, telling her he found the file on the Amanda Woodward Advertising agency. Sam half-heartedly states that she has no idea what Craig is talking about. So Craig kicks a nearby cabinet and screams, "After all the pain, and grief, and now my sore foot that we've been through, how can you lie to me!" Sam, falling back on her state motto, lets the gate down and the floodwater of conspiracy rush forth, spilling everything from Billy's prospectus to Amanda's desire for another ad agency to Peter's willingness to invest. Craig vows that Amanda will never destroy the company that he and Sydney have built together and leaves.

[Kyle's the Restaurant]
Michael and Megan are having dinner together. Michael has his arm stretched across the table, his mummified hand stroking Megan's hand. She tells him to stop saying, "Electricity has never been our problem, Honesty and Trust has." She suggests they seek a couples therapist, to which Michael agrees. Their meal gets interrupted, however, when Taylor rushes over telling Michael she needs a doctor, saying it's her pregnancy, and that there may be a  complication. Michael tells her to call his office and make an appointment, he doesn't want his dinner to get cold. Megan is shocked at his behavior, and demands he see Taylor now. So Taylor pulls Michael to the ladies room, where she informs him that she's ovulating and that she needs her sperm immediately. He promises to get her her sperm tomorrow. wearing a nice checkered sports blazer. I don't question how he plans to fudge all the paperwork, or get her the sperm so quickly, but all I want to know is, how did he slip those big-bandaged hands through the sleeves of that narrow-armed checkered sports jacket that he's wearing?

[West Hollywood Medical Offices]
Michael and Megan are at their first couple's therapy session. Michael explains that he never sets out to lie intentionally and that his little white lies are nothing in comparison to Megan's chicanery that occurred when she was in cahoots with Kimberly last season. The couples therapist suggests a revolutionary exercise for the two liars. He wants them to be totally honest with each other for the next 48 hours, which, by Melrose standards, breaks down to about twenty minutes.

[Racquetball Court]
Craig asks Billy out for some male bonding. Craig admits he wanted get rid of some aggression as well as talk privately with Billy. But first, Craig serves the ball, acing Billy. I guess it was quick reflexes like that, that earned him a bench warming position on the L.A. Galaxy. Craig pretends that he's worried Amanda might be trying to get his company, and asks Billy for help to counter her attack. But Billy assures Craig there's no need to worry, that everything's safe. Craig then informs Billy that he is privy to the entire scheme to take over his company. Billy stares at Craig, and smugly replies, "You got me Craig, I admit it. I was trying to stab you in the back. And I'm not remotely sorry, because you don't have what it takes to run an agency." Then Billy thanks Craig for saving him the trouble of quitting.

[Montezino's Restaurant]
Wow, there's actually another restaurant out there in La La Land? Peter tells Amanda he still wants to be friends. Then, he springs his idea of providing financing for her new ad agency. He tells her he had Billy run the numbers and that it looks like she'd need about $150,000 for her agency to get going. She wonders what's in it for him, and he asks that she stop looking at him like the enemy, and to consider rekindling what they had together. Amanda can't believe he's trying to buy his way into bed, then tells him his offer is much too small and leaves. Poor Peter, Billy may know how to use a spreadsheet, but that doesn't mean he knows what he's doing!

[Beach House]
Michael is getting ready for another date with Megan when he gets a knock at the door. When he opens it, Taylor bursts past and onto the couch, crying that Michael has got to help her. Taylor says to Michael, "Some big pipe burst at the clinic and now it's closed for another week." Sounds like a good scene from a porno flick, but in this case, it's a problem for Taylor. She explains, "I'm only fertile for...," (she pauses to use her fingers to help her count) "... 72 more hours!" (That's a lot of fingers!) Since the bank is closed, Michael recommends she pick up a guy at a bar and hope for the best, but this causes Taylor to come up with the idea of having sex with Michael instead. She tells him to shut up and give her his sperm, but when he says, "You can't have 'em," she throws him to the sofa, drops her top, tells him to shut up and "Give it your best shot!" Ahh, now I know what that Pat Benatar meant by "Hit me with your best shot. Fire awaaaaay!" How does Michael get himself into these sticky situations? In any case, even though Michael slam dunks Taylor, with a little dribbling before the shot, he refrains from leaving any bite marks on her back. After all, you never know what kind of trouble that could lead to.

[Amanda's Apt]
Amanda can't seem to sleep, so she decides to call New York instead. She phones Eric Baines, asking him for a big favor. She needs his financial help. Kyle wakes up and steps out of the bedroom just in time to hear her say, "If you give me the money I will make it worth your while. Just tell me I can count on you." She hangs up the phone, and Kyle goes into his weekly jealous tizzy, saying he thought he knew all the men in her life. Kyle asks why she didn't come to him for the money. Amanda asks if he's got half a million dollars to spare, shutting him up in a hurry. Amanda tells Kyle who he'd prefer, Eric or Peter as an investor. Hearing Peter's name makes Kyle even more insane, and he demands to know why Amanda hadn't mentioned any of this the night before. She reminds him they didn't do much talking then. As soon she refreshes his memory of that night's lovemaking session, Kyle pulls a "Homer Simpson," his mouth drooling and his voice uttering, "Ahhhhhh, sexxxxxxx." He smiles, everything is fine, and they go back to bed.

[Jennifer's Apt]
Michael arrives for his date with Megan, only he's twelve hours late. The sun is up. Michael, being totally honest, explains, "There was a medical emergency. I had to squeeze in a patient -- with a gland problem. And it took all night. I mean, it was a, it was a, touch-and-go situation. And I never heard moaning like that. I couldn't get to a phone. And then I made the mistake of lying down, and I fell asleep." Megan tells Michael she believes him and he breathes a sigh of relief, saying, "I guess what they say about blondes is true... oh, and also, that honesty is the best policy."

[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office]
Cooper arrives at the office and finds a note left by Megan informing him that his medical files from Cleveland arrived and are in Michael's office. He goes into Michael's office and immediately finds the box labeled Cleveland Riverside Hospital. He pulls out the medical records of Kimberly Shaw. But before he has a chance to browse the file, Megan arrives. She apologizes for being late, telling Coop that she put the boxes in Michael's office so no one would snoop through them. Michael's office? Get real. Megan then offers to help him file everything, grabbing at the file in Cooper's hand. He resists her, but being a surgeon, his hands are very dexterous and he fumbles the folder and it falls onto the carpet. Megan sees Kimberly Shaw's name on the file folder. Coop explains that he treated her in Cleveland after her car accident. Megan asks if he knew she was married to Michael, had worked on the staff at Wilshire Memorial, had multiple personalities, stole a baby and used to breast feed it, and even liked being tied up and being gagged by having socks shoved into her mouth? Coop tells Megan he only knew Kimberly had moved back to California and married a doctor. The first he knew that doctor was Michael was a couple days ago when he overheard Michael talking about his dead wife. Megan is excited, realizing it's one of those six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon sort of thing. Coop just looks at her. She then says that Michael has a right to know. Coop tells her he's just waiting for the right time, and to respect his wishes by keeping it a secret. She agrees, since Kimberly was a friend of hers and would be happy that Fate has brought Coop and Michael together. For her sake, Megan better not dye her hair...

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Peter sits at the bar enjoying a glass of McBride scotch, but he suffers the same fate as Craig did last week, getting shut off and kicked out of the bar before he can even finish his first drink. But instead of Jennifer doing the booting, this time it's Kyle, who still has that jealous burr up his butt.

[Kyle's the Restaurant]
Peter finds Coop downstairs having a heated discussion on his cellular phone. Coop hangs up, telling Peter it's his "shrew of an ex-wife." Peter mentions he used to have one of those. What's with this word "shrew" anyway? They talk about their women troubles, dead wives, blah blah, blah. Then Peter tells Cooper he's been thinking about having Coop in the partnership, and is starting to like the idea of "Two Against One." Coop mentions he's heard about that one before.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Michael enters his office and finds Taylor kicked back in his desk chair, her legs propped up on his desk, ready to be split. Michael asks what she's doing there, so she explains that she finally got around to reading the brochures on insemination, and found out that if she has a second session within 24 hours, her chances of pregnancy increase by 34%. Michael asks Taylor if she knows WHAT it feels like to be chief-of-staff, but all Taylor knows or cares about is HOW his chief-of-staff feels... inside, and it feels good. She knocks everything off Michael's desk and proceeds to mount the "staff member" right then and there!

[To Be Continued...]

Last Modified September 23, 1997