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Melrose Place
[Jack's House] The action continues between Jack and Amanda. He's squeezes her white, toilet paper-soft arms. "Please don't squeeze the Charmin." she pleads. Game 1: She gives his soccer balls a swift kick. Game 2: She does a 50 yd dash up the stairs into the bedroom. Game 3: She trampolines onto his Olympic-size bed, where her old wedding nightie lays. He wraps the gown around her throat and demands, "NO MORE GAMES!" He pushes her away and she must not have heard him because she proceeds to Game 4: She grabs a golf club and whacks him in the shin. "Fore!" She runs out but trips and falls to the ground. Not to be outdone, Jack joins in the fun and initiates Game 5, Diving! He attempts a "Jack"-knife with a half-twist off the second floor platform. Difficulty of dive: 8.0. He spashes onto the entry way floor knocking himself unconscious. Amanda calls Peter for help. "Hey, baby, what a pleasant surprise." Amanda tells him she's at Jack's and that there's been an accident. "I need your help. I think he's dead." The audience can only hope that's the case!! During the commercial break Peter drives over. He examines Jack, but unfortunately, one bad actor (aka Jess) has already been killed off by landing on his head, so the writers had to come up with something else. "Amanda, he's still alive." So Peter grabs the phone. "Perfect, we can whack him with that, that should do it!" Amanda says excitedly. Instead, Peter calls for an ambulance. Amanda doesn't want the police involved so Peter devises a plan: He'll report the incident as an accident and will personally supervise Jack's recovery. Amanda leaves.
[MP, Nighttime] Jo and Richard are going through some photos of his new men's line at her apartment. Of course they leave her apartment door wide open so a jealous type like Jake Hanson can walk by and go mental. Jo feels Richard's line of clothing is wonderful, and that he's the Fabio of Fashion. "I'm Ricardo, designer of clothes, ravager of women." Is that Ricardo, or Retardo? Just then, Jake jaunts in, gets jealous, then jams, but not before Jo chimes, "Wait, try on this pair of bikini briefs that Richard designed!" This really chases Jake out!
[Peter's House, morning] Peter has already left for work. Kimberly has the radio on and is listening to the program that NEVER seems to quit -- The Dr. Joyce Brothers show! Kimberly looks out the window and sees "Henry" hanging around on the back porch. Suddenly he disappears. So she runs outside to look for him. She smells something nasty, looks down, and sees brown footprints from somebody who stepped in doggie doo-doo. At first she's scared because she realizes he's real. But when she understands that this proves she's not crazy, she glows like a light bulb, something she hasn't done since the days when they were zapping her with electricity!
[Wilshire Memorial] Amanda arrives to find out about Jack's status. Peter is somewhat worried because he has reported that it was a simple fall, but if another doctor examines Jack they'll know Peter was lying. So he wants to be convinced that he's doing the right thing. Amanda tells him about the beatings, how she faked her death, and the issue of insurance fraud. Before Peter can acknowledge his understanding, Jack's attorney, Mr. Diamond, pops in and wants some answers. Peter explains he happened to stop by Jack's to discuss a business deal and found Jack laying on a chandelier. This is good enough for Mr. Diamond and he leaves. Amanda is afraid that when Jack awakes, he'll tell everyone that Peter lied. Peter says Jack's injuries are serious, and with any luck, he won't wake up. Besides, Jack's only scheduled for 6 episodes!
[Hayley's House] Hayley and Alison have invited Brooke and Billy over for dinner. Brooke hasn't eaten much and it's a good thing because Hayley makes the announcement of their love for each other. Everyone throws up but Brooke doesn't know if it's due to the news or morning sickness. After it's all over, Brooke suggests they leave, and Billy tells both of them to "Be happy." Of course, this immediately makes Alison sad. "Don't worry," says Hayley, "I will do whatever it takes to keep them in our lives, even if it means marrying you. Look at it this way, Alison, you wouldn't be losing a boyfriend, you'd be gaining a son-in-law. Now sit on daddy's lap and give him a deep kiss."
[MP, Billy & Brooke's] Billy and Brooke arrive home and jump into bed, disgusted about what they've witnessed at the Armstrong mansion. "Life goes on" Billy says, kissing Brooke like a fish. This excites her tremendously, but before they can commence Brooke says, "Don't forget to use protection. I bought a new brand today. They're called 'The Emperor's New Gloves.'" "Brooke, do I have it on? It feels invisible." Billy states. Brooke grins and says, "Don't worry, Billy..."
[Wilshire Memorial] Amanda is suppose to meet Peter at the hospital cafeteria, but confuses it with Jack's room. Jack startles her by speaking. He promises not to tell anyone that she tried to kill him as long as she promises to stay with him. If she doesn't, he swears he'll kill her. Guess he forgot he's in a full body cast and can't move anything but his lips. Then Peter enters, and Jack goes into a fake coma. His acting at this point has never been better! Peter ushers her out. Mancini, meanwhile, sneaks a look at Parezi's medical chart. The climax builds as Michael readies to speak, finally saying, "Hmmph."
[Streets of L.A.] Jane and Alison are jogging together. Alison explains how she and Hayley were trying to drive a wedge between Billy and Brooke. "I'm the expert, and it sounds like love to me. You should go for it!" says Jane. Then Alison asks Jane about her relationship with Richard and Jane replies, "Well, it's pretty good, except for the fact that he broke off our engagement. I'm not sorry about what I've done, though, because I learned once that love means never having to say you're sorry. And that's how come I know I'm in love. I just wish Richard knew what he wanted as much as I do." Alison warns, "Be careful what you wish for, Janie."
[Shooters] Jo and Jake resume that pathetic dialog about their topsy-turvy relationship, oozing with jealousy. About the only thing good here was Jo's description of Shelly and her "butt-floss bikini." Then she mumbles something about them being "...a couple of jackasses." Shelly arrives with a bunch of computer hardware. She's actually going to do Jake's finances on the PC. She'd be the perfect Windows '95 spokesperson. If she can use it, anybody can!
[Wilshire Memorial] Michael has been retained by Mr. Diamond and is taking over as Jack Parezi's new physician. Michael knows someone put a world of hurt in Jack and he thinks that "someone" is Peter. Michael just can't figure out what Jack might have done to Peter, so he asks, "Did he take your money at the golf course, insult your manhood, or maybe you just couldn't stand the idea of him getting back into Amanda's pants!" Duh, Michael, Amanda hasn't worn anything but the shortest of skirts for as long as we can remember. Peter warns him to back off.
[Peter's House, Nighttime] Zipper-headed mutant, Kimberly, is on phone once again with the Dr. Joyce Brothers radio program. She's making dinner while wearing HALTER TOP #1. Even though the radio show seems to be on from morning to night, no one but Kimberly ever seems to get through on the phone lines, although Michael, on his way to MP, does manage to call in from his car phone, unsuccessfully defending his honor.
[MP, Matt's Apartment] Matt and mommy return from Matt's father's funeral. "Father would have appreciated it." says Matt. Mom laughs, "Your father never liked depressing events...well, except for your graduation. I'm glad he learned that you're going to be a doctor before he died, even though he had hoped you'd be a ditch digger." Matt comforts her saying, "Yeah, well it's close, considering I want to be a brain surgeon. The only difference is the size of the shovel you use to scoop with!" Mom is proud.
[MP, Amanda's Apartment] Michael drops in on Amanda to enlighten her with respect to Peter's cover-up of Jack's condition. So Amanda shows Michael the Polaroids taken during her marriage to Jack. She explains how she used to like to play-act as Farrah Fawcett in "Extremities" back when they lived in Miami, but she got tired of the bruises. Amanda asks how much it'll take for him to let up. But he has a heart -- after all, he did love her once upon a time. He doesn't want to see her get hurt so he will lie to Jack's lawyer, Mr. Diamond, saying that he was hasty in his diagnosis.
[Hayley's Mansion] Alison sleeps over at Hayley's. "Do you love me as much as I love you?" Hayley asks, giving her his best Dudley DoRight smile. Hayley asks her to move in, since he doesn't care much for the way the Melrose Place reconstruction effort turned out and would rather not live there. She says she'll have to think about it.
[Mid-Wilshire Professional Building] BEST SCENE OF THE EPISODE! Sydney's weekly 3 minute appearance! Kimberly shows up at the Mancini - Burns office wearing HALTER TOP #2! Syd is sharpening pencils, which isn't a particularly smart thing to do when Kimberly is in the room. Syd hints that Peter and Amanda have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and that the only reason Peter is spending time with Kimberly is so that he can work out his own little problems, specifically, working out his guilt over his sister's death by trying to help Kimberly. Kimberly tries not to accept this, but leaves to confront Peter. This is about all I could recall after recovering from my laugh attack.
[MP, Nighttime] Alison is moving out. Brooke and Billy run into her in the courtyard. She tells Brooke that she is moving in with Brooke's father. She tells Brooke the best way to hurt Hayley, but asks her to please refrain from doing it. Brooke is grossing out that Alison will be moving into her old house and continuing with daddy where she left off. Billy does his best to look stoic, or stupid, take your pick. Meanwhile, Peter is at Amanda's place, giving her the lowdown on Jack's condition. He says he won't desert her. He promises that he has a lot to make up for. She says emphatically that she doesn't want to relive the past, then immediately snuggles closer (like in the past!?!?) and lays her head on his shoulder. All of a sudden you hear Kimberly scream, "Peter, I know you're up there!" Her wrist is flashing and the police arrive faster than they could shake a stick at Rodney King. But she doesn't care about anything anymore since she believed Peter was the only one who told the truth, and now she believes even he has been lying. The police haul Kimberly away. Amanda comes sauntering out, but even that can't hold Peter as he runs to Kimberly's aid.
[Peter's House] It's the next morning, and Peter is wiped out. Seems he went around all night long looking for a judge that would believe his story about Kimberly in order to keep her out of the looney bin. But Kimberly doesn't appreciate his efforts, saying, "You don't love me, you don't want to make love with me. You just want to cure your sister problem." At this point, Peter goes into a trance and utters, "I love my sister, she was my friend, my foundation. They let her rot in some hell-hole because some guy said she was beyond hope. That's why I became a doctor. Oh, by the way, I care for you." She needs some space but since she can't leave he has to.
[Shooters] Jo goes in to get Jake. She describes it as a kidnapping. Jake is excited. He goes to tell Shelly to mind the bar. She's in the back room with her computer, hoping this will be the way to Jake's heart. Yeah, right, he's more computer illiterate than she is. About all Jake has in common with that computer stuff is that his floppy disk goes hard drive whenever a female walks by.
[Peter's House] Kimberly is lounging around watching 3 Stooges episodes when she sees Mark Paul's face pop in from a window next to the front door. She surprises the fake "Henry" by yanking open the door and swings a baseball bat at him. He runs for his life and she gives chase. Like a scene she just saw on TV, she pulls a Moe, and bops Henry one. He slips and falls, and starts to whimper. He admits that he's just another bad male actor and that Michael and Sydney hired him to drive her wacko. She loves it. Now she's just as normal as any of the other characters on the show, if that's anything to be happy about. Notice she's wearing halter top #3! Either that, or Peter accidentally shrunk all of her tops when he did the laundry!
[Wilshire Memorial] Peter comforts Amanda, telling her that Jack's condition is very bad. Just then the intercom guy, last heard on M*A*S*H, starts singing through the intercom: "Code Blue! Code Blue! Dr. Burns, to room 414. That is all..." Jack has no pulse so Peter tries resuscitation by zapping his body with electricity. Between that and the electro-shock treatments, he should have been an electrician instead of a doctor! Much to Amanda's dismay, they get Jack's heart to start again.
[To Be Continued...] mmmm |
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